Same As it Ever Was

From the Jest For Fun page in Gold Key's Star Trek #1 (1967):

From the Jest For Fun Page in Gold Key's Star Trek #9 (1971):

Keep trying, kids...eventually you'll find the magic color combination...

Speaking of Star Trek #9:

Why Mr. Spock, you do know how to accessorize!!

Friday Night Fights--Killamazoo Style!!

Well...it was inevitable. Having the theme of Ladies' Night for Friday Night Fights has lead me to present the one thing I swore I would never write about:

Lois Lane doing roller derby.

Oh, Gerry Conway, what hath thou wrought?

OK, so Perry White, once again deciding that reporting on actual news events in the biggest city in the world is somehow beneath the Daily Planet, sends Lois Lane undercover to investigate roller derby.

Man, it hurts just to type that.

You see, the Metropolis Rockets advertise themselves as "The Fastest Roller Team in the World!" But Perry asked some experts, and they say that the Rockets actually skate faster than is "humanly possible"!!!! So he sends his best investigative reporter undercover to figure out how.

Meanwhile, after Lois makes the team, obviously tragedy has to happen. Out of nowhere, one of her teammates suddenly starts skating out of control--lethally so:

Lois' investigation uncovers the shocking fact that the Rockets...(wait for it) use motorized skates!!

Yes, somehow, with no noise or exhaust, these super-jet skates propel the Rockets faster than normal roller derby competitors!!! However, the other Rockets don't want this fact revealed, 'cause then everyone would know they're cheaters, you see. Of course, violence ensues.

Uh-oh...Lois is outnumbered now. However will she escape?

Oh, that's right, back then she was still leaning of the Kryptonian self-defense art of Klurkor. Her and Shang-Chi.

Fortunately, fictional martial arts work pretty well:

And as always seems to happens in these stories, the real killer makes some innocent statement that Lois decides proves she's guilty. This killer, though, don't know from no Klurkor:

What results is the killer trying to get away on a motorcycle. Well, that may work against normal reporters, but not against award-winning reporters who happen to have a pair of rocket-powered skates!! The result: PAIN!!


Oh, Lois, is there no fake sporting event you can't turn into a front page story??

Oh, and I suppose I'd best reveal my secret shame: my home town has its own roller derby team, the Killamazoo Derby Darlings.

Sigh...Bahlactus, can you ever forgive me?

Lois' high-kickin', rocket skatin' crime solvin' adventure comes from Superman Family #198, 1979.

Don't Forget!!

Shang Chi, Master of Kung Fu, reminds you:

Friday is Take Your Nunchucks To Work Day.

Well, OK, it's not...but are you going to argue with him??

Moench, Gulacy, Adkins, and the son of Fu Manchu argue for the most important holiday we don't yet have in Master of Kung Fu #39 (1976).

Things That Make me Smile--Five Rounds Rapid

What's the absolute coolest thing ever?

Space greyhounds? Maybe.

Space greyhounds driving giant mechanical spiders? Closer.

Space greyhounds driving giant mechanical spiders that fire laser beams?

Yeah, that's about right.

From IDW's delightful Doctor Who: The Forgotten #2

If This Were An Olypmic Event, I'd Watch More Often

From Avengers #16 (1965), we see Captain America demonstrate the lost art of "combat gymnastics."

Combat gymnastics, you ask?

We start with Cap and Rick Jones pulling up to an Avengers Mansion teeming with media, (as rumors of a new Avengers line-up have been flying..but Cap doesn't know that yet):

Well, of course, Cap can't mingle with the common man, especially the media, lest they ask him about watching videos on YouTube. So, instead of using some more subtle entry way, he decides to make the most ostentatious entrance possible:

Ladies and gentleman--combat gymnastics!!

What--you say it was just a man using a car hood as as springboard, and didn't involve either combat or any actual gymnastics? Oh ye of little faith--listen to Cap describe it:

Do you hear what Captain America said? "Dangerous" "difficult" and "art!" Dudes, this is already so much cooler than regular gymnastics!! Take that, Nadia Comaneci!!

Uhhh...not so much. Do we really believe that Cap just stood around outside the conference door waiting for Rick? Or that, despite the showing off, that Mr. Jones made it in through the throngs just as fast as Cap? Hmmm...

And once they get inside:

Oh, Cap, you botched the dismount!! After all that talk of mastering the dangerous art of combat gymnastics, you're ready to toss your cookies just from being thrown up in the air??!! No medal for Cap, I'm afraid. (Then again, maybe he was just nauseous from being touched by Hank Pym....)

Still, if they did have combat gymnastics in the Olympics, the super-soldier serum would have Cap seriously failing the drug tests. So Batroc would probably end up with the gold...Damn you, France!!

Still, we shouldn't pick on Cap too much. It's tough when your new sidekick is always comparing you to his old hero:

Captain America: Rick Jones' rebound hero.

Manic Monday--How To Lose Friends And Family

I've seen many an odd sales scheme advertised in old comic books: Grit, seeds, greeting cards, Nigerian lottery (oops, wait, that wasn't comic books). But I'd never seen this one before:

Click on it for a larger version. Yes, Mason Shoes (from Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin!!) expected kids to go out and schlep their shoes for them. On Saturday mornings, no less!!

And here's a great way to ensure a lot of hastily-pulled-closed curtains and "gee, I guess nobody's home" results:

That's right, harass your friends and neighbors on their days off, by trying to sell them footwear.

But man, I could really use that extra $20 a week...

Ad culled from The Avengers #16 (1965). No New, no Mighty, no Dark, no West Coast...just THE Avengers, dammit. The Old Order Changeth, my friends...

Too Complicated?

You hear it said that by some that comic book continuity is a barrier to new readers...that the long, complicated back story on some titles is too impenetrable to the newbie, and drives them away.

How true is this?

Obviously, continuity can get ridiculously over complex. In any given X-Title, you might encounter 3 or 4 different heroes from different alternate futures, or alternate pasts, or heavens knows what. Ye gods, thanks for the migraines, Chris Claremont.

However, other forms of serial fiction have multi-decade back stories that, alternate futures aside, makes Spider-Man look like Richie Rich. Yet somehow, The Guiding Light (for example) seems to pick up viewers every year who manage to navigate the complexities of who is really whose daughter.

And even when Marvel creates a whole new line featuring old characters in brand new continuities, ostensibly to become a better gateway for new readers, eventually that continuity gets complex, too. As someone out there said (forgive, I forget who it was, let me know and full credit will be extended), once you have Ultimate Cable and Ultimate Stryfe, haven't you lost the mission for a simpler entryway?

Here's another way to look at it--were the comics of ye olden days really less complicated? Let's take one personal anecdote--me.

One of the very first non-kiddie comic books I ever owned was Marvel Triple Action #10, a 1973 reprinting of Avengers #16, from 1965. My recollection is that my grandparents purchased it for me at some flea market. It had no cover (which is just as well, because it turns out to be one of the more hideous and misleading covers ever...Sorry, Gil Kane).

This was my first exposure ever to even the concept of the Avengers, let alone an actual story. We all know this issue...it was the first big Avengers line-up shakeup, ever. Here's the original cover:

Now, just look at that...look at all those characters on that cover. Obscure villains, villains and characters from other comic books...and look at the inside:

No recap, no roster page, no introduction...just a "hey, if you weren't here last issue, you'll catch up. C'mon!"

The first two pages of the comic present you with the heroes, only one of whom is identified by name, and the Masters of Evil, only one of whom is identified by name. The reader was expected to know who all these cats were. And if not, follow along and figure it out!

Meanwhile, we take a quick visit to Captain America:

A scene entirely based on something that happened in a previous issue, which I hadn't read...with absolutely no background on Cap. or why his battle with Zemo (whoever he was) was so important, no introduction of who the heck "Rick" is...what any of the back story was. Yet somehow I kept reading.

Then, back in NY:

Thor leaves, off-panel (!), for some unexplained crisis. Go read his book if you want to know!! Then Hawkeye shows up out of nowhere...

We get a decent flashback to his past appearance in Tales of Suspense...Then the Avengers go and try to recruit someone called Namor...who?

Then two weird looking people in hideous costumes show up, requiring us to know X-Men history...

And then we see a collage of villains, most of whom are a complete mystery to a new reader:

And yet...despite the fact that the issue was almost entirely based on past events I hadn't read; even though to truly appreciate everything going on you had to have a working knowledge of the Avengers' history, and the X-Men, and Iron Man, and Thor, and who those villains are---none of which I had ever encountered; even though the issue was as "hung up on continuity" as anything could be in Marvel 1965...I still enjoyed it, and wanted to read more.

Did I understand everything? Hell no. But it was a good tale, entertainingly told, and Stan and Jack did a decent enough job filling me in, so as I went along I was never lost--just curious. Oh, at 10, I was no Amadeus Cho, and I didn't 100% understand everything that was referred to. But I figured out enough to enjoy the story, and the characters, and to want to know more.

Sometimes, I think, we underestimate newbies. I think people are a hell of a lot more willing to come in media res into a storyline than we give them credit for. We assume that if they don't know as much as we do, they can't possibly enjoy and appreciate what they're reading--at least not as much as we do.

And for some people, sure. But those same people would likely have been as put off by Avengers #16, from "simpler" times. As for the rest? The human mind, especially kids', are amazing things, and are capable of filling in blanks on their own, and wanting to know more about a universe. People did start watching Dallas in season 5, and somehow survived not knowing every detail of past seasons, and even became fans. People did start reading Robinson's Starman, one of the more continuity-involved series ever, and their heads didn't explode.

Sometimes, I think, we latch onto "too complicated a continuity" as a convenient excuse to explain why comics don't sell more. And it's true, some creators make their stories far, far too complex for newbies to easily jump onto. And some creators are overly obsessed with continuity navel-gazing. But somehow, those seem to be the books that sell the most, year after year.

Far more important than "too complex" is "is the story well told" and "are the characters any good" and "does this intrigue the reader enough to want to read more?" You don't need to know the history of the Golden Age and the first Crisis and Zero Hour to enjoy a JSA story, if it's done well. But sometimes, I think, we ourselves do just as much to scare newbies aways, with our "oh, the back story is too complicated for me to explain, so you wouldn't enjoy it."

As a 10-year-old I got thrown into the deep end of an Avengers story that referenced at least 20 other comic books and didn't try to hold my hand by dumbing everything down for newbies. Let's give other newbies the same benefit of the doubt, instead of assuming that they're incapable of figuring things out as they went along. I figured it out, and so can they.

If There's One Thing Better Than DC Baby Talk...

...it's Star Trek baby talk:

Oh, not the old "radiation makes everyone age backwards "chestnut.

Well, be they Scots or Vulcan, kids say the darndest things!!!


Scenes likely not too different than the JJ Abrams Star Trek movie are from Gold Key's Star Trek #42 (1977).

7 Lessons From Action Comics #870

We're going to spoil some things here, folks. And even though every single moment of the Brainiac story arc (except the fact that Geoff Johns was going to come up with yet another new and mutually exclusive origin for Supergirl) was completely predictable from the very first panel, it's too early in the week to talk about these things without a SPOILER ALERT.

Even the "huge surprise" at the end was telegraphed ten ways to Sunday thanks to the mind-numbingly obvious junior high honors English symbolism strewn throughout all 5 parts. But out of courtesy, I'm flagging SPOILER ALERTS here in a fairly huge way. OK?

So after the picture of Braniac drawn to look exactly like Lex Luthor (?) the SPOILERS commence. OK?

(By the way, when Lex Luthor shows up in Action, will Geoff Johns/DC make Gary Frank draw him to look exactly like Gene Hackman? Just asking...)

OK, after this next picture, SPOILER ALERT:

LESSON #1 FROM ACTION COMICS #870: Geoff Johns is so enraptured with the Richard Donner Superman, he had to kill Pa Kent unnecessarily so the continuities would match up better in his head.

Then again, if he keeps to the model, Kal-El can just fly backwards around the world, turning back time, to save Pa...

LESSON #2: Guess they should have let Pa Kent drink that beer on the last cover, eh? He'll never get a chance at another one...

LESSON #3: If Superman doesn't unnecessarily go into space to hunt Brainiac, Pa Kent would still be alive. Let's start heaping on the guilt, shall we? Because that's how I want my Superman: Peter Parker-style neurotic...

LESSON #4: Superman will take a beaten foe and grind his face into the mud with his boot:

That's Truth, Justice and the American Way, Geoff Johns style!! (For the record, this was before Pa Kent died, so don't use that as justification for Superman suddenly mocking and humiliating fallen foes...) Seriously now...is this how Superman would act?

LESSON #4: Ma Kent is so spoiled (and stupid) from having a super-son, she doesn't even call 911 when her husband has a heart attack:

Before you say anything, note that as far as she knew, Clark was still deep in outer space, so even if Smallville has the worst ambulance service in the history of history, it's still got to be better than calling for someone who's light years away.

LESSON #5: Whatever you might think of Gary Frank's art, his ability to draw likenesses is NOT one of his stengths. So whoever's edict it was to draw the Man of Steel so that he looks exactly like Christopher Reeve, please stop. Because Frank's just not good at it, and we get ridiculous results like this:

Christopher Reeve constipated

Christopher Reeve letting out a super-fart (with sound effects)

Christopher Reeve worrying about an IRS audit

Christopher Reeve looking at a cute, cute puppy

Look, DC, if you want a tracer, hire Greg Land to draw Action. Otherwise, let Gary Frank be Gary Frank. It's embarrassing.

LESSON #6: Brainiac is stupider than Jupiter. If Brainiac's missiles are capable of causing supernovas, why does the one he fires at the Kents only blow up a house, and not even singe two people standing ten feet away?!? Why the hell not fire one of your supernova missiles at Smallville, or at least something nuclear? Some revenge, dimwit...you just got lucky with a heart attack.

LESSON #7: Geoff Johns really can't go more than a few issues without whacking someone, can he?

But other then being wretchedly predictable, being morbidly obsessed with death, being morbidly obsessed with a version of Superman from a movie 30 years ago, making no sense on its own terms, and denigrating the character of Superman, the story didn't completely suck. Just mostly.

Thus endeth the lessons.

This Cover Must Be Captioned

Not precisely a comic book (it's one of those comic/record combo that I never was privileged to own as a child), but granted an automatic bye into the final round of competition for the worst comic book cover ever:

Not only does it have a bad juxtaposition of photographic and art elements...not only does it feature those abominable uniforms from Star Trek: The Motion Picture...not only are the captions and logos careless placed about the cover with no regard for background or color, making them hard to read...

...but for a children's book, the poses invite all sorts of naughty captions. Such as:

YOUR REAR DEFLECTOR SHIELDS ARE DOWN, KIRK!!

or

HERE'S YOUR CAPTAIN'S LOG!!

or

MUST...CAPTURE...TRIBBLE...ON...KIRK'S...HEAD!!

OK, that one wasn't really naughty...but it was still fun.

Play along at home, and give us some captions for this cover (naughty or not, your choice).

Strangely Enough, No Flashdance Reference Is Made In This Post

On the off chance DC ever gets around to actually publishing another issue of Final Crisis, I really hope Grant Morrison can find the time to work this in:

What in the world could this be??

Yes, the Maniaks. Back in the goddamn crazy hippie days of 1967, DC actually tried their own Monkees, by giving three issues of Showcase (interrupted by an issue starring Binky!!) to a (presumably) wacky band that went around having (presumably) crazy adventures while presenting the world with some (doubtfully) authentic hip teen culture.

How hip? Check this out:

Yes, Woody Allen had a cover appearance on a DC comic book (incidentally, the very same DC title that Barry Allen debuted in...coincidence? I THINK NOT!!).

The capstone? All 9 Maniaks stories (3 per issue) were written by E. Nelson Bridwell.

There, your mind just exploded, didn't it??

So, I've never actually read any of these (presumably) insane stories, but given my affinity for faux comic book rock bands, I really really want Morrison to have them show up at the end of Final Crisis, singing the Final Crisis Theme Song while getting on Darkseid's nerves with their swinging melodies. With Woody Allen along for the wackiness.

Because man, that would so much more interesting than Sonny Sumo...

House ad swiped from Green Lantern #54 (1967), which features Green Lantern getting his ass kicked by a man in an iron lung. Seriously. I'll tell you about it someday...

Manic Monday--Superman Is A Dickweed

It's been said before by others, doubtlessly better, and it will be said again...but sometimes Superman was the biggest dickweed in the multiverse. Case in point: Action Comics #252 (1959), the debut of Supergirl.

The first panel of the story, while not exactly an example of dickweedery, is a head-scratcher:

It's odd enough that Superman would automatically assume that a flying youngster in a super-costume" must be an illusion, since by this point he had met more than one super-powered female. Heck, we had already established that as a youth, Superboy had met the Legion. Even given non-existent 1950's continuity, it's an odd reaction.

Anyway, Superman soon discovers that he and Kara are related--cousins!! And there was much rejoicing!!

So, it's "the happiest moment in Superman's life," so obviously, he'll let Kara come and live with him, right? Not so fast:

Uhhh...yeah...because that's why Bruce Wayne kicked Dick Grayson to the curb, and Ollie Queen told Roy Harper to hit the road...oh, wait, they didn't do that, did they? Your secret identity "might be" jeopardized by a new ward or long-lost cousin coming to live with Clark Kent, when it didn't bother those other guys? You couldn't be bothered to make the same effort??

Well, that's OK, it's still the "happiest event of Superman's lonely life. " Kal-El, you're not alone anymore, surely you've found a loving family for her to live with while she helps you fight crime, right? That's his "great idea for her future life," right?? Not so fast:

Oh. So you're so overjoyed to see her, you forbid her to use her powers and stick her in an orphanage. AN ORPHANAGE!!

So, as you see, Superman was basically a Dickensian villain...his long-lost relative shows up, and rather than inconvenience himself in the slightest (or share the spotlight in the slightest), he sends her away to be warehoused with the unwanted children. Rather than giving her the benefit of a loving home, as he had, he institutionalizes her. Instead of letting enjoy a career as a super-powered teenager, like he did, he arbitrarily forbids her to use her powers until "someday."

Superman: you, sir, are a dickweed.

Friday Night Fights--Tantu Style!!

Well, look who we have here. Just in time for her mini-series, and in time for her prominent role in the latest JLA epic, we here at Slay Monstrobot have decided to hop on the bandwagon. So here's Vixen, in her debut 28 years ago (feel old?).

In Metropolis, Superman is trying to stop someone from hijacking a shipment of furs, when:

Now, surely Vixen couldn't take on the Man of Steel, could she?

Well, I guess she can. And just to prove that Superman is, well, a man, he does take the time to remark on her physical appearance while getting the snot kicked out of him.

Oh, poor wittle Clark got scratched (SPOILER ALERT: the Tantu totem is magic). Now, if this story had happened in the 60's or early 70's, a whole subplot would have spun off about Clark somehow having to hide the fact that he had the same scratches as Superman, lest Lois Lane find out his secret identity. None of that nonsense for Gerry Conway, though!!

Anyway, after a trip to Africa, and under cover reporting, and poaching, and smuggling, and zzzzz, Superman and Vixen hook up (not that way!). He goes on to deal with the manly task of coralling stampeding elephants...

While she takes off to stop a fat guy with a pointed stick.

Wait a minute...maybe she just stood toe to toe with Superman...but can she handle A FAT GUY WITH A STICK?!?



Well, I guess she can. Carry on, Vixen!! I don't advise you, however, to try that "scratching with magic claws" stunt on Bahlactus...he'll laugh while busting you up!!

Mari McCabe beats up a fat guy with a stick...oh, and Superman, too...in Action Comics #521 (1981).