Tuesday, July 29, 2014

The Truth About Disco--Gotham-Style!!

You kids today and your Blu-Rays of American Hustle and you're ironically-downloaded remixes of Bee Gees songs and your drugged out "raves," you think you know what disco was all about.

Well, flibbety floo!! You've got no idea of the grandeur that was the Disco Era. Hang tight, because you're about to get the unvarnished truth about disco--Gotham-Style!!

Bruce Wayne has flown Barry and Iris out to Gotham City for a luxury weekend--and midewestern gal Iris is damned impressed by the big city:

Oh, Bruce, what a dick.

Still, it's a good thing that you're wearing that leisure suit...

OK, are you ready (no, you're not) to see what disco was really like? Brace yourselves!

Seriously, this is a 100% true depiction of what the disco era was like. Yowsah!

And then the panel of the decade:

John Travolta had nothing on Bruce Wayne.

But wait, we've barely begun to scratch the surface of the disco phenomenon. Because I'm dead certain that you never knew that disco included this:

Disco Pirates!!!

Disco Jaguars!!

Disco Jokers!!! (Yes, that is just some dude dressed like the Joker, not the real villain)

And don't forget...

The Phantom Of The Stardust!!

Wait, who's again?

Yowsah, indeed!!

Except, of course, this is Gotham City, so it turns out that the Phantom is really the ghost of a guy whose girlfriend died on that location in one of those 1930s dance marathons. So know he comes back and dances young ladies to death, stealing their life force.

No, really:

Ah, disco, how we miss you...

From Brave And The Bold #151 (1979)

Monday, July 28, 2014

Manic Monday Triple Overtime--Pluto AM Not A Stupid Planet!

The benevolent King Of Saturn has disappeared!

Fortunately, Rocketman is on the job!

See, it is so a planet!! Still, the "inhabited by a race of idiots" is kinda harsh, science dude.

Ahh, but we have the glimmerings of a plot here...

Rocketman flies to Pluto...

...but only a fool brings a brain to an idiot fight!

King Morono?!?

OK, well named.

Hey, they stole the plot of The Krotons!! (Yes, I know this came first, but time travel and stuff)

Fortunately, Rocketman has seen through the Plutonians Achilles heel hat:

Time to beat up idiots!

Or maybe not...

What--no use beating up unintelligent babies? What kind of Earth man are you, Rocketman?!?

From Rocketman #1 (1952)

Manic Monday Bonus--The Key To Democracy Is Giant Dinosaur Turtles--No, Really!!

Venus had to be evacuated because of science fiction stuff!!

But the evil leader of Mars has kidnapped all of the refugees--to use as slave labor!

But Org (with the help of Earth hero Rocketman) has a plan that is sure to succeed!


Fortunately, it's pretty easy to transport a trogslosauri between planets:

Whoa! Talk about invasive species!

And so, in the future, peace comes not through the barrel of a gun, but through the gaping maw of gigantic prehistoric turtle things!

Sadly, there are many places on Earth where we need to send the trogslosauri next...

From Rocketman #1 (1952)

Manic Monday--The More Things Change...

It is quite reassuring to know that, in the future, all of our petty political and social problems will be solved.

Take, for example, the Venus crisis:

Well, that doesn't sound too good...

Well, surely there will be no problems finding new homes for the desperate refugees in a more enlightened era, right?

Sigh...plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose.

From Rocketman #1 (1952)

Sunday, July 27, 2014

What Happens When Your Space Zagat Guide Is Terribly, Terribly Wrong!

This is the kind of thing that happens when NASA outsources its help line:

Even with (unknown to NASA) deadly life forms, the planet Ishtar is still better than the movie Ishtar...

Special note: Space Action featured:

You know, as opposed to the usual interplanetary adventures.

Space Action #3 is from 1952

Saturday, July 26, 2014

The One Way In Which Green Arrow Is Better Than Batman

Not to put too fine a point on it, but if you think about it for 30 seconds, the Bat-Signal is pretty inefficient, not to mention stupid.

BATMAN: Why did you use the Bat-Signal, Commissioner?
GORDON: Two-Face is loose and just robbed two banks on the upper east side!
BATMAN: But I was just patrolling the upper east side!! I only left to come see what you wanted with the Bat-Signal! Now I have to schlep all the way back there?
GORDON: Well, I would have called or texted, but somebody won't give me his damn phone number. Paranoid much?
BATMAN: Shut up.

Anyway, I trust you can see what I'm getting at here. The Bat-Signal says "Batman, you're needed," but doesn't say where or how. So the Caped Crusader has to go to police HQ, and only then to the scene of whatever crime. Terribly inefficient.

Green Arrow, though? He has that problem licked:

See how easy it is? Just by adding a little information to the Arrow Signal, you've cut out the middle-man, as it were. Ollie & Roy don't have to waste time going to the Commissioner first--they can just go to the (general) location where they're actually needed!

That is the one and only way that Green Arrow ever has been, or ever will be, better than Batman.

Well, OK, two ways: at least Green Arrow is actually in the TV show about Green Arrow (cough cough Gotham cough cough).

From Adventure Comics #174 (1952), as reprinted in Brave And The Bold #117 (1975)

Friday, July 25, 2014

Friday Night Anagrams--The Shattering Conclusion!!

OK, whiners, here's the answers:

Happy now?

From Brave And The Bold #117 (1975)

Friday Night Anagrams--Brave And The Bold Style!!

There's no Friday Night Fights this week, so instead, let's play Friday Night Anagrams!!
Answers? You don't need any stinkin' answers!!

Oh, all right, I'll post the answers later today...

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Fifty Watts Per Channel, Babycakes!

Because some mornings you just need to see MechaGodzilla celebrated as a Russian national hero:

You're welcome.

The cover to next months Godzilla: Rulers Of The Earth #15 by Paul Hanley

P.S. If you don't understand the title of this post, you might want to check here...

Because You Know You Want To See Beta Ray Bill With A Moloid In His Mouth

Admit it--you have a fever, and the only cure is more Beta Ray Bill chomping on a Moloid.

You're welcome.

From 100th Anniversary Special: Avengers #1, by the ridiculously talented James Stokoe

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Golden Age Idol--Dame Kackle?!?

I have to confess, I've been a bit remiss.

Through the many, many Golden Age Idol entries, I've focused entirely on the heroes.

But there are some Golden Age villains who need to be brought back, too.

For example:

No, not The Defender. He was just your typical low-rent "guy who puts on a costume and slugs Nazis and crooks". Nothing at all remarkable about him, and he only lasted 5 issues (I will say, though, that that is a pretty bitchin' logo. And it's hard to believe that Marvel controls a character named The Defender and never brought him back to, say, lead the Defenders.)

No, we're here to look at the Defender's very first foe, from USA Comics #1 (1941). Who might that be?

OK, I know what you're thinking...WTF?

Fair enough. Dame Kackle may seem just like a gnarly old female pirate with a poorly-drawn cat o' nine-tails.

But the story quite clearly tells us that she is "the deadliest agent of the dreaded Nazi Gestapo!" And she's using her great pirate abilities to smuggle Japanese spies into the U.S.!!

And she's pretty menacing to intrepid girl reporter Sally Kean!

Ah, but the Defender and Rusty (his boy sidekick) manage to defeat her. Yet...

Hmmm...escaped, or drowned? C'mon...she's a pirate! Of course she can swim!! Of course she survived. And she's probably one of those Pirates Of The Caribbean-type immortal pirates, so of course she's still around, right?!?

So what's not to love? An immortal female Nazi pirate with a mean whip who cackles every time she speaks? That's gold, man. Especially if Disney decides to give us a Captain Jack Sparrow series, but set in modern day, and he's got to go around collecting immortal pirate treasures to save the world, but Dame Kackle wants them for herself, and...

Look, a boy can dream, can't he?