Sunday, January 25, 2015

The Naive World of 2002

Ah, the modern super-hero universe, where the defenders of good and right are resented, hated, and feared...

Wait--the city is throwing them a celebration? Don't you mean a protest, and picketing, and evicting them, and throwing fruit and stuff?

People want to thank heroes?!? Are we sure this is a modern super-hero comic?

A parade?!? A parade?!? (And you have to love the Reed Richards balloon!)

Multiple parades?!? Monthly parades? People love heroes?

Not a dream, not a hoax, not an alternate reality!!

Clearly, someone never got the memo that modern super-heroes must be tormented, hunted, hated by the very people they protect, viewed as both threats and menaces. Someone hasn't absorbed the lesson that heroes must have loss in their life, with murdered relatives and tragedy, or they can't be heroes.

Who wrote this?


This is like finding a trunk in the attic full of happy love songs that Morrissey wrote as a teenager before he became Morrissey.

Still, in this series, Geoff Johns does have Ben Grimm get depressed and literally run away to join the circus, so there's that.

And we should be very, very grateful that he didn't try to turn F.A.N.T.A.S.T.I.C. F.O.U.R. into an acronym, like he did with Firestorm...

From The Thing: Freakshow #1 (2002)

Saturday, January 24, 2015

Green Lantern's Trans-Species Dream Crisis!

Look, even in the context of the annals of Silver Age DC, there are some things that just make you go "What?"

This may be the Whatiest What that was ever Whatted.

Our story starts one week as Hal Jordan is asleep, and dreaming...

But even Hal's dreams are boring...

Fortunately, it's just a dream, right?



Yes, Hal's power ring acted on his dreams, and turned Tom Kalmaku into a seagull.


You mean Hal's ring can change someone's species?!?

So he could, for example, turn a beaten Sinestro into a mouse? Or he could turn Aquaman into a normal human (or a camel!) if they were trapped in a desert, so he wouldn't die because of the one-hour limit? Or he could turn Batman into a gorilla, because, hell, who wouldn't want to turn Batman into a gorilla?!?!? Or he could turn Starro into a cute puppy? Or...

Obviously, DC kinda backed away from this ability. I suppose if a modern Green Lantern writer addressed this, she would say something like "Hal was dreaming. And only in a dream could he believe he could actually do it--so only while dreaming would he have sufficient willpower to make the ring do this." [This is why I'm not allowed to write comics].

And, indeed, at the end of the story, Hal commands his power ring to never act on one of his dreams again. Dummy.

Anyway, for this story, it's a damn good thing that Hal did turn Tom into a seagull. Because Hal kinda screwed up and knocked himself out while trying to stop a skyjacking:

So, it's were-seagull Tom Kalmaku to the rescue!

All's well that ends well.

Still, I think this portends a pretty cool Green Lantern/Sandman crossover, right? If a GL ring can make dreams come true, well, Morpheus may want to get involved, and...

Oops, there I go again. Not allowed to write comics, snell...remember, not allowed to write comics.

From Green Lantern #7 (1961)

Friday, January 23, 2015

Friday Night Fights--Shotgun Spinach Style!!

We have a hideously overlong Friday Night Fights this week, but I think you'll find it worth the time.

The wicked Sea Hag has been training a Boo Bird to hate Popeye! Why?

Ooh, that's not good!!

Well, Sea Hag tricks Wimpy (because Sea Hag always tricks Wimpy) into giving Popeye the Boo Bird as a birthday gift!


And so, the time has come for the Sea Hag and her minion to strike!!

Sometimes a gal has got to take matters into her own hands!

And of course, Popeye maintains a great attitude about someone trying to murder him:


Spacebooger agrees that feeding your family via shotgun is a great time-saver!

Popeye gets shot with spinach in Popeye #29 (1954), as reprinted in Classic Popeye #29 (2014), and the entire thing was a Bud Sagendorf joint.

Now is the time for you to go and vote for my fight. Why?!? It's the best way to keep the Boo Birds away! So go and vote!!