Monday, February 19, 2018

Manic Monday Triple Overtime--The Many Tears Of Miss Jane Peters!

Big discovery day at Unnamed University!!

I'd pretend to be mature by not making a joke about "that small speck near Uranus," but honesty compels me to admit that I already made the joke via Twitter yesterday. Hey, I'm not made of stone!

Anyway, Miss Peters is kind of sad that Professor Masters is more concerned with planets than current events:

Gotta love that single tear running down her cheek.

Later, after a close encounter with an atom smasher turns him into the American Crusader and he save the U.S. from a coup by an evil senator who wants to become dictator (reminder--the Golden Age laughs at the concept of decompression!!)...


Damn, again with the single tear!! Jane is really upset that Archie is ignoring the state of the world!!

Or maybe she spent some time in prison, and it's just a tattoo...Good on you, Archie, for hiring ex-cons!

From Thrilling Comics #19 (1941)

Manic Monday Bonus--Why We're Pretty Sure That George Clooney Isn't In Witness Protection!

It's time for...

or, How Stupid Can You Be?






Or, maybe, more like "proving again that idiots who are on the lam shouldn't put their faces out in mass media because man, that would be unforgivably stupid."

Plus, maybe tell casting agents not to give out your address?!?

From Adventures Into Darkness #14 (1954)

Manic Monday--Thor's B.R.S. (Beast Retrieval System)!!

The Guardians of The Galaxy have, without warning, bopped their massive space station back in time, to 1978!

The Avengers go to investigate! The Beast and the (classic) Guardians don't recognize each other, so fighting ensues!!

How to stop this?!?



Whoop indeed!!

That was one heck of a bit of aim there, Thor--throwing Mjolnir so that it would perfectly ensnare Hank's foot (while he was in motion!) in it's handle!

I wonder if he could do that to, say, fetch the remote control from the other side of the room...

From Avengers #167 (1978)

Sunday, February 18, 2018

Anti-Climax!!

Kids, it's time for one of those "you-solve-it" mysteries, from the pages of Climax #2 (1955)!


The answer?

Well, sadly, it turns out that there was no "future issue of Climax!" #2 was the last issue!! Now we'll never know the truth!!

Well, we can't have that! There are no prizes, certainly no $25 war bonds, but feel free to submit your answers in the comments here. How did the detective know the nephew was lying? Why did he do it? Would the solution stand up in court? Did the detective's pipe contaminate the crime scene?

Or, if you're daring, you could send your response to the address they give...maybe there's some old dude there just waiting for the correct response, like in Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade. Maybe there's a whole cache of unopened responses there, and you can lead a class action suit against the publishers of Climax for never giving out the promised rewards!

Have at it!

Saturday, February 17, 2018

Atom's Awkward Moment!

Hawkman and Hawkgirl are out doing good deeds...

...when they get a surprise visitor!

Why is Atom there? He has an offer!!

But only for Hawkman!?!

Oh, Atom. Perhaps you could have chosen a better time and place than in the middle of a public event to humiliate Shayera like that? You're lucky she was so gracious about it.

And yes, while there was indeed such a JLA by-law in those days, I think we can all pretty much hear a "but we already have 1 girl" hidden in Ray Palmer's "er," right?

From Justice League Of America #31 (1964)

Friday, February 16, 2018

Friday Night Fights--Armor Wars Style!!

Sometimes the best Friday Night Fight is one that didn't actually happen...in Marvel-616, at least.

Yeah, the Watcher is breaking the rules by telling all of us about one of them there alternate reality thingamabobs.

Long story short? On this Earth, when Hulk quit the Avengers (in Avengers #2 (1963), natch), Thor also quit, because he thought Tony Stark was being a jerk--go figure. So Giant-Man and the Wasp quit, too, because without Thor and Hulk, they think "'the Mighty Avengers' is a joke!"

Ahh, but Namor and the Hulk still team-up to conquer the world, and still need to be stopped. So like a man with a hammer who sees every problem as a nail, Stark "fixes" things by making suits of armor for Rick Jones & Pym & Jan.

They're reluctant, so Tony super-charges his own armor and goes off to face the terrible twosome alone. He puts up a good fight, but ends up getting beat badly.

Fortunately, the others come to their senses, and come to help. But are they too late?






Take that, Hulk!!

Just as in "our" world, the Avengers manage to break up the alliance. But in this world, the cost is higher...

Awwwww...

Spacebooger wants the next Marvel Event to be Tony making armor for literally every hero.

Mark Waid's favorite Avengers story is from What If? #3 (1977), by Jim Shooter (writer, co-plot), Gil Kane (pencils, co-plot) and Klaus Jansen (inks)

Now is the time for you to go and vote for my fight. Why? Consider the cruel outcome in an alternate universe where you voted for someone else!! So go and vote!!


Unleash The Beast!!

You know what I don't get?

Pretty much every single day, I find myself wondering...

...why in the world Marvel prefers to keep Hank McCoy in a lab coat...

...being "team support" and "technobabble dude" and "dire exposition" guy...

...when this version of the guy is available?

I mean, who doesn't prefer the ever-loving bouncing Beast...

...to dour and unexciting "you guys go out and fight and I'll just stay in the lab" Hank?

It's a rhetorical question, because obviously Marvel and a long line of creators prefer to keep McCoy on the sidelines in most adventures, like he's just one of the millions of helpers in a CW super-hero control room talking in the hero's ear, instead of a freakin' Avenger and X-Man and Defender and guy who has saved the Earth 12 or 13 times.

I just miss this version of Hank, is all I'm saying.

Thus endeth the rant.

From Avengers #167 (1978), #164 (1977), #148 (1976), and #141 (1975)

Thursday, February 15, 2018

Back In The Days When Long-Distance Calls Were Something Special...

In his debut story, Drax The Destroyer is reaching out to Iron Man for a little bit of help:

Wait, from how far?

Drax, I hate to break this to you, but...that's not really that impressive.

I mean, we mere mortals can call or text or tweet or Skype or Instagram or whatever half a world away easy-peasy. Half a continent? Not really earth-shaking power, there.


I'm just sayin', if you're going to be a braggy god-created super-being, maybe be sure that your brag is overshadowed by the planet you're visiting...

From Iron Man #55 (1973)

Ninja-G Is A-OK With Me!

I would totally see this movie 25 times...

Art by Juan Jose Ryp, colors by Andrew Dalhouse. From Ninja-K #4 (2018)

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Dial E For Eternity--SHOWBOAT!!

Now this is more like it! A rollicking, sprawling, crazy-ass story. To bad about the racially insensitive bits at the end, though...

Kid and Keeper are wandering along the Mississippi River, when they find a young couple very much in love!


But...


Holy moly!!  Pa is right upset!

So upset he goes after Kid!!

So...

Sandow!!

Kid does his due diligence, and follows up with the young couple...

Oh ho, the plot thickens!

Wait, wait, you were kissing and canoodling with Gail before she was "of age"?!?!

Anyway...
Well, it turns out that "Pa" and Sam Slye have deeper (and eviller) ambitions!


$20,000! Land O Goshen!!

First, they try a dirty trick to make show the showboat has no acts:


Then they hire a gang to help them kidnap Gail!


Stephen Decatur?!?

Certainly, he was a great naval leader...but I can't find a lot of support for calling him "the greatest hand-to-hand fighter in naval history." 

Still, he was more than enough to drive off the ruffians.

But Sam uses the confusion to grab Gail and head of to find a cooperative justice of the peace!


They head down a tiny channel--how can a big riverboat follow?!?


John W. Cannon!!

But he can't do it alone, so...


Mark Twain!!

Well, they catch up to the varmints, and as a wedding present, Kid let's Todd finish off the bad guys himself!!

So we get a wedding!

But there's one big problem remaining!

Well, it's time for Kid to play "the final presentation at the end of Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure" again!

Oh, boy!!

Fate Marable was one of the earliest and most influential jazz greats (and he was still alive when this story was published!!). As near as I can tell, he never performed with the Levee Serenaders--their only known work was with Jelly Roll Morton--but it's certainly possible (plus there were lots of bands who used variations on that name).

Most excitingly, they were all African-American...which means this is the first time Kid Eternity has summoned black legends to help him!! Quite a moment in comic book history, and--


O.M.G.

Anyway, there's more!

The Cherry Sisters!

It's true, you know...the Cherry Sisters' act was renowned for being terrible, one of the first "so bad it's good" pop culture phenomenon.

Lillian Russell!

Harry Houdini, in his second summons...but I'm pretty sure he never pulled a rabbit out of a hat...

And, finally...

So, you have an authentically historical important group of black performers, and you can't show them as black...BUT YOU CAN SHOW A GODDAMNED M&^%*#-f&*#@# MINSTREL ACT IN FULL BLACK-FACE?!?!?!?!?!?!?! WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

I'm very, very disappointed in you, Kid Eternity!

Oh, yeah, Lew Dockstader was real, all right...

Anyway, now Todd is set for life!

But the Kid hates to stand around and be praised, so...

Sigh...and such a fun story until that nonsense...

Anyway, after 18 stories, our summoning table looks like this:

Achilles 1
Antony, Marc 1
Atlas 2
Barry's father 1
Bernhardt, Sarah 1
Bertillon, Alphonse 1
Blackhawk 1
Boone, Daniel 1
Bunyan, Paul 2
Byron, George Gordon 1
Canary, Martha “Calamity” 1
Cannon, John W. 1
Cherry Sisters 1
Clancy, Patrick 1
Cody, “Buffalo” Bill 1
Columbus 1
Corbett, Jim 1
Custer, George Armstrong 1
de Leon, Ponce 1
Decatur, Stephen 1
Dockstader, Lew 1
Don Quixote 1
Emery 1
Galahad 1
Griffiths, Albert 1
Hercules 1
Hickok, Wild Bill 1
Holmes, Sherlock 1
Houdini 2
Hyer, Tom 1
Jackson, Andrew 1
Jeffries, Jim 1
Kidd, William 1
King Arthur 1
Leander 1
Marable, Fate 1
Mercury 3
Murphy, Charles 1
Napoleon 1
Nation, Carrie 1
Noah 1
Nobody 1
Osceola 1
Paddock, Charley 1
Pheidippides 1
Pinkerton, Allan 1
Plastic Man 1
Porthos 1
Prometheus 1
Robin Hood 1
Russell, Lillian 1
Samson 2
Sandow, Eugen 1
Schleyer, Johann 1
Solomon 1
Sullivan, John L. 1
Tell, William 1
Thor 1
Thurston, Howard 1
Tiglath IV 1
Tut-ankh-amen 1
Twain, Mark 1
Vercingetorix 1
Washington, George 1
Webster, Daniel 1
Zbyzko, Stanislaus 1

NEXT--The Kid tries the dark side!!

From Hit Comics #39 (1946)