Friday, June 22, 2018

Dial E For Eternity--Stop Summoning Serial KIllers!!

What does Kid Eternity do with his down time?

Apparently, he goes around lecturing "would-be criminals" about the perils of turning to the dark side:


True. Who wants to listen to someone named "Kid"??

So...

Gilles de Rais?!?!?!

Just two stories ago, we saw Kid summon Jesse James, who a) was honestly repentant about his life of crime, b) admitted how it contributed to his death, and c) tried to talk some gangsters out of the bad life. So we know there are good examples the Kid could have used here.


Gilles de Rais is not one of those.

de Rais was a French baron who actually fought alongside Joan Of Arc. But he was also one of the most vile and depraved humans ever to walk the earth.

Click on the link above only if you have a strong stomach. de Rais was one of the earliest recorded serial killers. He kidnapped, sexually abused, and murdered children. He did a good job of disposing of the bodies, but from his own confession and eyewitness accounts of his confederates, he killed anywhere from 80 to several hundred kids. There is no level of hell deep enough for this bastard.

Now, you can certainly argue that Kid Eternity, a child himself, only knew the vaguest outlines of de Rais's villainy. Or that, in a pre-internet era, the unidentified author of this story was also not fully clued in, aware of only the Cliff's Notes version of de Rais' life.

[In fairness, there are those who, despite his confession, argue that de Rais was innocent. But most historians reject that, and the defenses--a Vatican anti-pagan crusade, a plot to steal de Rais's holdings, he was a pawn in a war between secret societies and the Inquisition--smack of unsupportable conspiracy theories.]

So, is there anyone worse to put into a kid's comic book than a child rapist and murderer?!?!?

Yeah, there's an unrepentant child rapist and murderer, inspiring young men to become criminals.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, CREATORS OF THIS COMIC BOOK?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

"The wrong example" indeed, Keeper!!

Kid and Keeper even have a falling out over this...

Uh-oh.

This can be a big problem, because without Mr. Keeper around, Kid's powers don't work!! And so...

Great, Just great.

de Rais decides to take up a life of crime (fortunately, without the depraved serial killer parts):

And he decides to take Cully under his wing!!


So they allow the crooks to break into a bank vault, and then step in to take the loot for themselves!



Well, wait...we've seen that the folks Kid summons can "die" again--they just go back to Eternity. They're not invulnerable. Let's just chalk it up to his armor, shall we?

For a guy from 1440's France, he's got some good crook-beating-up repartee going, though:

But, surprise, surprise, Cully finds out that the criminal life isn't as glamorous as he thought:

Wait--he told you himself that he had "murdered many people." Did you not realize that that etiled violence?

So don't feel too sorry for Cully when...


Well, the Kid's lesson worked after all!

Meanwhile, the local crime bosses decide that they want this new hotshot working for them...



...and they end up working for HIM!!!!

There follows several pages of tedious Godfather-wannabe maneuvering: some gang factions won't fall in line, there's an attempt to poison de Rais, etc. It's pretty dull, and there's no Kid Eternity to be seen, so let's skip ahead, where Gilles's idea of proving his bona fides is...

Great--so now our child-molesting serial murderer is going to become a cop-killer.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN THIS STORY, QUALITY?!?!



Daniel Carpenter!!

So how did Kid summon him?!?! Stay tuned!

Anyway, the fight is on!!



But what about the rest of the gangs?


The Minutemen!!

This is the second time in as many stories that Kid has summoned a large group. I count them as a single unit, for counting the summonses. But as commenter Erich asked earlier this week, "I do have to wonder how calling upon a collective like "Rogers' Rangers" works...as you said, he couldn't summon the entire force, but were these members chosen randomly, alphabetically, or what?"

A fair question, and I don't have a good answer. I've speculated before that Kid calls upon some "Platonic ideal" of the characters, how the popular imagination remembers them--it's why he could summon the "presidential" George Washington, but had to go back in time to physically fetch the younger beat-em-up version. Maybe the same thing is happening with collective summons??

Anyway, it works, and Cully proudly declare that he won't become a serial killer!

Oops--we've ended a page early!! And how did Kid summon those folks without the Keeper?!? How about a full page of exposition/moral/lecture?!?

Sheesh, when I'm agreeing with Keeper, you know the story has gone wrong!

This was the 38th (and most repellent) Kid Eternity story, and our standings are...

Abu 1
Achilles 4
Antony, Marc 2
Aramis 1
Arnold, Benedict 1
Arthur, King 2
Astor, John Jacob 1
Athos 1
Atlas 3
Attila The Hun 1
Attucks, Crispin 1
Baker, Lafayette 1
Barry's father 1
Barton, Clara 1
Bernhardt, Sarah 1
Bertillon, Alphonse 1
Blackhawk 1
Bluebeard 1
Bolivar, Simon 1
Boone, Daniel 1
Boyd, Belle 1
Breitbart, Zishe 1
Bucephalus 1
Bunyan, Paul 2
Byron, George Gordon 2
Caesar, Octavian 1
Cagliostro, Alessandro 1
Canary, Martha “Calamity” 1
Cannon, John W. 1
Capulet, Juliet 1
Carden, Foster 1
Carpenter, Daniel 1
Cherry Sisters 1
Clancy, Patrick 1
Cleopatra 1
Cody, “Buffalo” Bill 2
Colt, Samuel 1
Columbus 1
Corbett, Jim 3
Crockett, Davy 1
Cronson, Gerald 1
Crusoe, Robinson 1
Custer, George Armstrong 1
D'artagnan 2
de Bergerac, Cyrano 1
de Leon, Ponce 1
de Rais, Gilles 1
Decatur, Stephen 1
Discus Thrower 1
Dockstader, Lew 1
Dracula 1
Drake, Sir Francis 1
Dupin, C. Auguste 1
Edison, Thomas 1
Emery 1
Ericson, Leif 2
Frankenstein's Monster 1
Galahad 1
Gotch, Frank 1
Gothicus, Claudius 1
Grant, Ulysses S. 1
Greb, Harry 1
Griffiths, Albert 1
Hamilton, Alexander 1
Hatfield, John 1
Hauser, Kaspar 1
Henry, Patrick 1
Hercules 2
Hickathrift, Tom 1
Hickok, Wild Bill 1
Hippocrates 1
Holmes, Sherlock 2
Hopkins, Matthew 1
Houdini 2
Hyde, Edward 1
Hyer, Tom 1
Jackson, Andrew 1
James, Jesse 1
Javert 1
Jeffries, Jim 1
Jones, John Paul 1
Jove 1
Khan, Genghis 1
Kidd, William 1
Lafayette, General 1
Lancelot 1
Laughing Cavalier 1
Leander 3
Lee, Robert E. 1
Leonidas 1
Lincoln, Abraham 1
Lister, Joseph 1
Marable, Fate 1
Masterson, Bat 1
Mercury 4
Milo Of Croton 2
Minutemen 1
Mix, Tom 1
Montague, Romeo 1
Mulgrew, Jason 1
Murphy, Charles 1
Napoleon 1
Nation, Carrie 1
Nightingale, Florence 1
Noah 1
Nobody 1
Nostradamus 1
O'Brien, David 1
Og 1
Osceola 1
Paddock, Charley 1
Penelope 1
Pheidippides 1
Pinkerton, Allan 1
Plastic Man 1
Porthos 2
Prometheus 1
Quixote, Don 1
Revere, Paul 1
Richard the LionHeart 1
Rin-Tin-Tin 1
Robespierre, Maximilien 1
Robin Hood 2
Rogers' Rangers 1
Russell, Lillian 1
Rustum 1
Ryan, Paddy 1
Samson 2
Sandow, Eugen 1
Schleyer, Johann 1
Siegfried 1
Silver, Long John 1
Skunk, Jimmy 1
Socrates 1
Solomon 1
Sullivan, John L. 2
Tecumseh 1
Tell, William 1
Thalfi 1
Thor 1
Thurston, Howard 1
Tiglath IV 1
Tut-ankh-amen 1
Twain, Mark 1
Ulysses 1
Uncas 1
Vercingetorix 1
Villa, Pancho 1
Vulcan 1
Washington, George 2
Webster, Daniel 1
Xanthippe 1
Zbyzko, Stanislaus 1

NEXT--Kid Eternity does Siskoid's favorite Doctor Who story!!

From Kid Eternity #6 (1947)

Thursday, June 21, 2018

Why Kyle Rayner Is The Best Green Lantern!

It's pretty simple:

His mother never threw away his comic books!

Meanwhile, you can be pretty sure that Hal Jordan never even read comics--he would have dismissed them as "too nerdy."

From Green Lantern Secret Files #2 (1999)

Wednesday, June 20, 2018

Dial E For Eternity--The Femme Fatale!!

Kid and Keeper hear a hubbub coming from the courtroom:


See, this is why you need to allow women on juries, 1947!

So, exactly how hot is Mavara?




Guys looking to kill her for revenge can't, because she's too lovely!

In fact...


...her enemies even end up working for her!! Now that's beautiful!!

Kid goes to confront her...

Ho!! Thank heavens this is pre-Code!!

But she doesn't care about Kid's admonitions...



Well, you can have your punks try to beat up Kid Eternity...but he has friends!

Cyrano de Bergerac!! (I'm assuming that this is the fictional one, rather than the actual one upon whom the play was based...

However, even though Cyrano is good at fighting off thugs, even he can't resist Mavara's charms:

D'oh!!

Well, there's not much our duo can do about her. So they leave but follow her in visibly, hoping to catch her red-handed in a crime.

Because, of course, it's ten minutes before she is using her wiles to get some dupe to open his safe:


But Kid is here...

...with...

Rogers' Rangers!! This pre-Revolutionary War band of soldier conducted scouting special ops for the British. Eventually they were expanded several times until they had 1,300 men--thankfully, Kid didn't call that many!

They deal with the thieves...except Mavara gets away...

...and it's a bad idea to let a bunch of olde tyme ruffians run loose near a grog shop!

Kid sends them away, while Mavara gets a makeover:



How dumb is Kid Eternity?

Dude!! You saw her (nearly) naked!!! You're telling us that a simple dye job can fake you out?!?!

Yes, yes it can.

But it doesn't take him too long to tumble upon the truth:

Mavara may be brunette now, but she's still a seductress, so she sets out to bilk some dope out of his money:


Kid tries to put a stop to it...



But the guy is too besotted by her beauty to listen.

So Kid plays dirty.

Romeo!!

And she's smitten.

Look, if we can have the trope where a woman is irresistible to men, than I suppose it's only fair to turn the tables, and have a man who is irresistible to the ladies. So, nice reversal.

But what's the point of this?


She's so smitten, she promises to confess and reform!!

And now, it's time for Kid to pull a complete dick move:



Juliet!!

Yes, Kid got her to confess by making her fall in love with Romeo, and then having him dump her as soon as she does.

OUCH.

We could have had a new arch-enemy here. But Mavara is never seen again.

This is the 37th Kid Eternity story, and the summoning roster is as follows:

Abu 1
Achilles 4
Antony, Marc 2
Aramis 1
Arnold, Benedict 1
Arthur, King 2
Astor, John Jacob 1
Athos 1
Atlas 3
Attila The Hun 1
Attucks, Crispin 1
Baker, Lafayette 1
Barry's father 1
Barton, Clara 1
Bernhardt, Sarah 1
Bertillon, Alphonse 1
Blackhawk 1
Bluebeard 1
Bolivar, Simon 1
Boone, Daniel 1
Boyd, Belle 1
Breitbart, Zishe 1
Bucephalus 1
Bunyan, Paul 2
Byron, George Gordon 2
Caesar, Octavian 1
Cagliostro, Alessandro 1
Canary, Martha “Calamity” 1
Cannon, John W. 1
Capulet, Juliet 1
Carden, Foster 1
Cherry Sisters 1
Clancy, Patrick 1
Cleopatra 1
Cody, “Buffalo” Bill 2
Colt, Samuel 1
Columbus 1
Corbett, Jim 3
Crockett, Davy 1
Cronson, Gerald 1
Crusoe, Robinson 1
Custer, George Armstrong 1
D'artagnan 2
de Bergerac, Cyrano 1
de Leon, Ponce 1
Decatur, Stephen 1
Discus Thrower 1
Dockstader, Lew 1
Dracula 1
Drake, Sir Francis 1
Dupin, C. Auguste 1
Edison, Thomas 1
Emery 1
Ericson, Leif 2
Frankenstein's Monster 1
Galahad 1
Gotch, Frank 1
Gothicus, Claudius 1
Grant, Ulysses S. 1
Greb, Harry 1
Griffiths, Albert 1
Hamilton, Alexander 1
Hatfield, John 1
Hauser, Kaspar 1
Henry, Patrick 1
Hercules 2
Hickathrift, Tom 1
Hickok, Wild Bill 1
Hippocrates 1
Holmes, Sherlock 2
Hopkins, Matthew 1
Houdini 2
Hyde, Edward 1
Hyer, Tom 1
Jackson, Andrew 1
James, Jesse 1
Javert 1
Jeffries, Jim 1
Jones, John Paul 1
Jove 1
Khan, Genghis 1
Kidd, William 1
Lafayette, General 1
Lancelot 1
Laughing Cavalier 1
Leander 3
Lee, Robert E. 1
Leonidas 1
Lincoln, Abraham 1
Lister, Joseph 1
Marable, Fate 1
Masterson, Bat 1
Mercury 4
Milo Of Croton 2
Mix, Tom 1
Montague, Romeo 1
Mulgrew, Jason 1
Murphy, Charles 1
Napoleon 1
Nation, Carrie 1
Nightingale, Florence 1
Noah 1
Nobody 1
Nostradamus 1
O'Brien, David 1
Og 1
Osceola 1
Paddock, Charley 1
Penelope 1
Pheidippides 1
Pinkerton, Allan 1
Plastic Man 1
Porthos 2
Prometheus 1
Quixote, Don 1
Revere, Paul 1
Richard the LionHeart 1
Rin-Tin-Tin 1
Robespierre, Maximilien 1
Robin Hood 2
Rogers' Rangers 1
Russell, Lillian 1
Rustum 1
Ryan, Paddy 1
Samson 2
Sandow, Eugen 1
Schleyer, Johann 1
Siegfried 1
Silver, Long John 1
Skunk, Jimmy 1
Socrates 1
Solomon 1
Sullivan, John L. 2
Tecumseh 1
Tell, William 1
Thalfi 1
Thor 1
Thurston, Howard 1
Tiglath IV 1
Tut-ankh-amen 1
Twain, Mark 1
Ulysses 1
Uncas 1
Vercingetorix 1
Villa, Pancho 1
Vulcan 1
Washington, George 2
Webster, Daniel 1
Xanthippe 1
Zbyzko, Stanislaus 1

NEXT--Never summon a serial killer.

From Kid Eternity #6 (1947)