Sunday, July 22, 2018

The Time We Evacuated The Western Hemisphere But Still Beat Both The Commies And The Aliens!!

Look, if you're going to draw interplanetary war in a comic book...

...this is how you do it!!

The art, by the way, is by Tony Mortellaro.

We're in the far-flung future of 1993, and the Clinton Administration has taken a very odd turn:

The world has divided into two camps, the free and democratic western hemisphere, and the evil, repressive eastern hemisphere.

Fearing an imminent attack from the east, the entire western hemisphere has been evacuated to the moon. No, really.

But meanwhile, in the east...

But we know it's not the west...they're all going to the moon!! So who's attacking?

Well, it turns out that nasty aliens have chosen just that moment to attack!! And so...

Pew!! Pew pew!! Pew!!

The east, being evil, doesn't stand a chance against the conquerors...

But the west has been watching, and they launch a surprise counter-attack!!


Quite comfortably, indeed!!

But as the five years ends, the aliens take a nasty revenge--

--blowing up the freakin' moon!!

But guess what? Smart humans knew that attack was coming, and actually went to hide elsewhere in the solar system!

But there is an unexpected benefit to blowing up the moon:

So, no more commies east bloc, and a shiny new city to live in. Well, for some of you to live in--I doubt you're getting more than a few million into Atlantis. And it's probably more moldy and slimy and wet than shiny and new.

Still...WE WIN!!! Sort of. By some ways of reckoning. USA!! WESTERN HEMISPHERE!!!

From Weird Tales Of The Future #4 (1952)

Saturday, July 21, 2018

Jack Kirby--Furniture Designer!!

There was one very special perk to being an early Fantastic Four villain:

You got the greatest damn chairs ever!!

Almost makes me want to take up evil...

From Fantastic Four #1 (1961) and #5-7 (1962)

Friday, July 20, 2018

What. In. The. Hell. Were. They. Thinking?

Given the new trailer for the live-action Titans series, I decided to show off my awesome Microsoft Paint skills...

Yup, let's try to sell this weird streaming service that's going to be 98% things we already own by making Titans TV-MA, and making even the trailer "red band," fills with gratuitous violence and swears?

Seriously, is this Geoff Johns' legacy as former Chief Creative Officer??

I can't wait until their Sugar & Spike series...

Tales From The Quarter Bin--Swept Under The Rug!!

I know you kids are impressed by new and shiny things,but comic book companies were doing the "give away pamphlets full of features and solicitations" 30 years before DC Nation wandered into our Local Comic Shoppes:

Wait, what was that?

No, it wouldn't.

With hindsight, it's pretty amazing how forgotten Millennium is today.

Now, I'm not arguing that it was a successful story, or even a particularly good one.

But DC put a lot of effort into this event: a weekly main book!! Crossing over into virtually every single other DCU title (even those set 1000 years in the future), making what this preview called a "56-chapter novel"!! All of the big guns involved!! Universe-shaping consequences!!

Well, not so much that last one.

Sure, there have been 3 semi-boots and one full reboot since Millennium. But that hasn't stopped other events from being respected/canonized/fetishized by the modern keepers of the flame.

Despite getting the cover treatment here in Focus #1, there never seemed to be much institutional support from DC's upper echelon. The only real follow-up was the short-lived New Guardians series. Contrast with today, when we've already had 58 series spinning out of Metal (OK, it just seems like that many). DC management seemed to shrug even more than the fans.

Maybe it's because the "revelations" about who were the "secret Manhunters" in each title were so underwhelming--and frequently just plain cheating--that it made the "who was a Skrull" reveals in Secret Invasion look positively brilliant by comparison.

Or maybe it's because Millennium was followed almost immediately by a much, much better crossover event, Invasion, which made it pale by comparison.

Maybe it was because the promised outcome--the creation of a new set of Guardians Of The Universe and the creation of a new race of immortals and Earthling evolving to run the universe--never really happened.

And maybe, just maybe...

...the 80s weren't ready for a team this diverse?

Anyway, Millennium wasn't the only non-starter on the cover of Focus #1:

Oh, poor Focus...

Of course, I just paid 50¢ for a bit of advertising that was free in 1987, so i really shouldn't be mocking anyone...

Thursday, July 19, 2018

The Goofiest Cover You've Never Seen--The Phantom Zone #3 (1982)

Sometimes you've just got to say...

...WHAT THE FRAK?!?!?!?

I guess that's what happens when you let the Howard The Duck team do a pre-Crisis DC series.

Somehow, this never became one of those "iconic" covers that everyone does homages to...

Of course, all of the covers of this mini-series were pretty goofy:

And of course, this next should have taken the place of Crisis #7 in our collective imaginations...

Gerber, Colan, Phantom Zone tomfoolery...I guess I'd better go Quarter Bin searching soon...

Phantom Zone #1-4 are from 1982

Wednesday, July 18, 2018

Dial E Fort Eternity--An Actual Super-Villain!!

Kid and Keeper are walkin' along, minding their own business...

Well, "lived to be so old" might be the wrong term, Kid.

But you'd better trust those itchy feet!! seriously thought you could stop a truck with your bare hands?

Alfred Nobel?!?!?

I'm not sure how to feel here. Nobel felt so badly about the legacy of dynamite that he gave 94% of his estate to create the Nobel Prizes and other philanthropic endeavors. So maybe this isn't the most accurate depiction of the guy?

But on the other hand, we have the image of Alfred Nobel running down the street throwing dynamite at trucks!!

Anyway, he straight up murdered those crooks, except for...

Was everyone back in the day paid in cash, or what? Seriously, how many Batman/Kid Eternity/Whoever stories have I read where crooks try to steal the payroll? Even Joker/Red Hood was trying to rob the Ace Playing Card Company's payroll!! Maybe it's an artifact of an earlier an adult, I've never been paid in cash, always by check/direct deposit...

Anyway, Kid's prediction for Marton proves true:

Oh, but his gang has other plans!

And, apparently, anyone can just stroll into a prison, posing as a repairman, and tinker with the apparatus of death!

But you know what? When you're dealing with officials of Eternity, well, they know when you're actually dead...

Again, Keeper's itchy feet are right. Because in the morgue...

And when Marton's goons try to pick him up...

Two dead, so far. And that's before Marton even wakes up!!

And so, we have a full-fledged, honest-to-gosh, super-powered super-villain!! And yeah, it's a goofy origin, but no goofier than Electro's, right?

The surviving goon has gone mad, but he still sets Kid on the right path:

Rin-Tin-Tin!! This is his second summoning, which puts him well ahead of plenty of humans!!

Meanwhile, Marton looks up his former moll:

If you haven't noticed by now, this story has quite the body count.

Kid and the dog show up, but...


Well, OK, since he was already dead, it's not that big a setback...

Meanwhile, Marton goes back to the scene of the first crime, for those juicy payroll dollars!!

Like I said...body count.

Marton I mean Lightning Man has gone full-on Marvel villain!

So how can Kid take down a super-powered maniac?

Benjamin Franklin!!

Reminder: You don't f%^& with Ben Franklin!!

And so we end...

Alfred Nobel taking out crooks by hurling dynamite? Ben Franklin taken down actual super-villains?? Rin-Tin-Tin??! BEST STORY EVER!!

Indeed, it was the 42nd Kid Eternity story, and our roll call currently is...

Abu 1
Achilles 4
Antony, Marc 2
Aramis 1
Arnold, Benedict 1
Arthur, King 2
Astor, John Jacob 1
Athos 1
Atlas 3
Attila The Hun 1
Attucks, Crispin 1
Baker, Lafayette 1
Barry's father 1
Barton, Clara 1
Bernhardt, Sarah 1
Bertillon, Alphonse 1
Blackhawk 1
Bluebeard 1
Bolivar, Simon 1
Boone, Daniel 1
Boyd, Belle 1
Brady, Diamond Jim 1
Breitbart, Zishe 1
Bucephalus 1
Bunyan, Paul 2
Byron, George Gordon 2
Caesar, Octavian 1
Cagliostro, Alessandro 1
Calhoun, John C. 1
Canary, Martha “Calamity” 1
Cannon, John W. 1
Capulet, Juliet 1
Carden, Foster 1
Carpenter, Daniel 1
Cherry Sisters 1
Clancy, Patrick 1
Cleopatra 1
Cody, “Buffalo” Bill 2
Colt, Samuel 1
Columbus, Christopher 2
Corbett, Jim 3
Crockett, Davy 1
Cronson, Gerald 1
Crusoe, Robinson 1
Custer, George Armstrong 1
D'artagnan 2
de Bergerac, Cyrano 1
de Leon, Ponce 1
de Rais, Gilles 1
Decatur, Stephen 1
Discus Thrower 1
Dockstader, Lew 1
Dracula 1
Drake, Sir Francis 1
Dupin, C. Auguste 1
Edison, Thomas 1
Emery 1
Ericson, Leif 2
Frankenstein's Monster 1
Franklin, Ben 1
Galahad 1
Gotch, Frank 1
Gothicus, Claudius 1
Grant, Ulysses S. 1
Greb, Harry 1
Griffiths, Albert 1
Hamilton, Alexander 1
Hatfield, John 1
Hauser, Kaspar 1
Henry, Patrick 1
Hercules 2
Hermann, Alexander 1
Hickathrift, Tom 1
Hickok, Wild Bill 1
Hippocrates 1
Holmes, Sherlock 2
Hopkins, Matthew 1
Houdini 2
Houston, Sam 1
Hyde, Edward 1
Hyer, Tom 1
Jackson, Andrew 1
James, Jesse 1
Javert 1
Jeffries, Jim 1
Jones, John Paul 1
Jove 1
Khan, Genghis 1
Kidd, William 1
Lafayette, General 1
Lancelot 1
Laughing Cavalier 1
Leander 3
Lee, Robert E. 1
Legree, Simon 1
Leonidas 1
Lincoln, Abraham 1
Lister, Joseph 2
Marable, Fate 1
Masterson, Bat 1
Mercury 4
Milo Of Croton 2
Minutemen 1
Mix, Tom 1
Montague, Romeo 1
Montezuma 1
Morgan, Henry 1
Mulgrew, Jason 1
Murphy, Charles 1
Napoleon 1
Nation, Carrie 1
Nightingale, Florence 1
Noah 1
Nobel, Alfred 1
Nobody 1
Nostradamus 1
O'Brien, David 1
Oakley, Annie 1
Og 1
Osceola 1
Paddock, Charley 1
Penelope 1
Pheidippides 1
Pinkerton, Allan 1
Plastic Man 1
Porthos 2
Post, Wiley 1
Prometheus 1
Quixote, Don 1
Revere, Paul 1
Richard the LionHeart 1
Rin-Tin-Tin 2
Robespierre, Maximilien 1
Robin Hood 2
Rogers' Rangers 1
Russell, Lillian 1
Rustum 1
Ryan, Paddy 1
Samson 2
Sandow, Eugen 1
Sayers, Tom 1
Schleyer, Johann 1
Siegfried 1
Silver, Long John 1
Skunk, Jimmy 1
Socrates 1
Solomon 1
Sullivan, John L. 2
Tecumseh 1
Tell, William 1
Thalfi 1
Thor 1
Thumb, Tom 1
Thurston, Howard 1
Tiglath IV 1
Tuck, Friar 1
Tut-ankh-amen 1
Twain, Mark 1
Ulysses 1
Uncas 1
Vercingetorix 1
Villa, Pancho 1
Vulcan 1
Washington, George 2
Webster, Daniel 2
Xanthippe 1
Zbyzko, Stanislaus 1

NEXT--How many people can Kid summon at once? More than you think...

From Kid Eternity #7 (1947)