Thursday, October 30, 2014

Letters To Lois 4--Kissin' Cousins?!?

From the incredibly fruitful letters page in Lois Lane #24 (1961):

They've received requests for an "imaginary" marriage between Superman and Supergirl?!? EWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not to mention, if Lois is too old for a relationship with Jimmy, well, there's certainly a greater age gap between Kal-El and Kara.

And not to mention, EEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!

Letters To Lois 3--Killing The Cat!!

From the letters page in Lois Lane #24 (1961):

Oh, so Lois is just DC's version of Ben Urich, World's Worst Reporter...

Letters To Lois 2--Corporal Punishment!!

From the letters page of Lois Lane #24 (1961):

What the hell is going on in Winnetka, Illinois?!?

49 out of 51 kids want to see Lois get a "good hard spanking"?!?!?

Of course, they're right, Superman would never spank Lois--

 That was from just 10 issues earlier, in Lois Lane #14...

OK, OK, causing your robot to spank Lois doesn't count, right? Superman himself would never, ever spank a woman--
 Never mind.

Letters To Lois 1--May-December Romance?

From the letter column of Lois Lane #24 (1961):

Well, that's not the worst idea ever...or is it?

Wait--exactly how much older is Lois than Jimmy? "Several" years should be an absolute barrier?

Plus, Lucy Lane is a vile beast...

But you're right...Superman has always been a good sport, and would never pull a nasty prank on Jimmy, or force Jimmy to live in a slum, or...go back to beat up a mean truck driver once he got his super-powers back, or snap Zod's neck, or...

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Man's Best Friend--Unless You're In An Italian Machine Gun Nest!!

It's WWII, and the boys are pinned down!!

Always send a dog to do a man's job!

You know, I know dogs...and that doesn't look "crazy mad." That looks like "Hey, pet me!!"

But I guess I was wrong, eh?


Note: Chip the congressionally-decorated dog still ate his own poop, barked at blowing leaves, and snored loudly at night.

From Captain Aero #17 (1944)

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

The Origin Of Siri?

Screw-up counter-intelligence agent Chet Porter has been assigned to protect "crackpot inventor" Professor Petersen:

That's kind of a downer, Siri!! just by changing a couple of wires, I can make Siri give different answers?

Later, the evil Professor Blake's skullduggery is discovered:

22 steps?!? Geez, Siri, establishing a dictatorship of the "new master race of scientists" is hard!!

Hey, someone with an iPhone--ask Siri these questions, she what she says!!

From Spy-Hunters #11 (1951)

What Jonathan Kent *Really* Did To Earn A Living

We all know that Pa Kent had a farm; and then he sold it to open a general store in Smallville.

But is any of that true?

Because here at Slay Monstrobot, we have made a shocking discovery about the TRUE career of Superboy's foster father:

Yup...Pa Kent was a espionage ace!!

And a wordy sonuvabitch!

But man, he had a way with the ladies:

That's right--he'd call you honey just after he met you!

He also had a way with goddamn commie spies!

But Jonathan Kent was still smooth with the ladies, even after fighting

And he always succeeded in his cases!

Johnathan Kent smashes attempts to undermine democracy!! Plus, he grows wheat...

From Spy-Hunters #11 (1951)

Monday, October 27, 2014

Manic Monday Triple Overtime--The Song That Saved The American Revolution!!

Great Moments In Spy History, MTV Division:

Young Caleb Bolton had some British battle plans that he wanted to pass on to the rebels. But...

What to do?!?

But the rest of the story? The "musical code" was still actually a song!!

And the song that enabled America to beat the redcoats?

Now you know...the rest of the story!!

From Spy-Hunters #11 (1951)

Manic Monday Bonus--The Future of The Tank!!

There's nothing like looking at 1940s predictions about the future of warfare!!

Today: Whither tanks?!?
Or, it may not be...

74 years later, we are still waiting for the Germans to unleash their flying submarine tanks. When will it happen!?! What are they waiting for?!?!?!?

From War Comics #3 (1940)

Manic Monday--Once Again, My Guidance Counselors Failed Me!!

Despite hours of boring aptitude testing and boring meetings, nobody ever told me that this was a viable career:

Chasing Soviet-torpedoes in a speedboat and blasting them with a machine gun!!!!

Seriously, best. job. ever.

My hat is off to you unsung heroes of the Cold War, you magnificent torpedo-blasting bastards!

Spy-Hunters #11 is from 1951

Sunday, October 26, 2014

If At First You Don't Succeed...

The problem with many villains is their stick-to-it-itiveness.

How many times has a bad guy come up with a brilliant scheme/device that comes this close to succeeding, only to see the plan thwarted by random chance--and then never try it again?

I understand, from a dramatic standpoint, why you wouldn't want to just do issue after issue of super-villains trying successive iterations of the same plan until it finally worked. Boring!

Yet you would think that some--like Luthor, a scientist in the Silver Age--would not abandon a device that almost succeeded in giving them ultimate power, when they just try to eliminate the x-factor which stopped them earlier.

For example:

Bobby Drake is dying in the hospital, and the rest of the X-Men are trapped in a capsule (slowly) heading into outer space. Magneto has taken over the Xavier School, and he has done so while Warren Worthington's parents are visiting!

So--by analyzing the DNA of the parents of a known mutant, Magneto's device--which he built from scratch--can create an army of mutants, loyal to him, with whatever powers he wants them to have!! Take that, Doom!!

But, unfortunately for ol' Bucket-Head, Iceman recovers (because LASERS!), the rest of the X-Men make it back to earth (because TEAMWORK!), and Professor X mentally summons the Stranger (who had previously captured Magneto and taken him to his home planet for study!), which causes Magneto to flee. So, all is thwarted...

OK, then...but why did Magneto never try this again??

A) There are lots of parents of mutants he could use...or he could just go after the Worthingtons again, once they left Xavier's mansion?
B) He built his machines from crap just lying around the mansion--surely the Master of Magnetism could do it again.
C) It's not as if he lost the knowledge, right? He already knew how to build the machine and make the army?

So if he has the capability to create his Million Mutant Army, loyal to him, with whatever size, strength and mutation he desired, why the hell did he never try that again? The machine worked--it was only the fortuitous recovery of Iceman that stopped his plan from succeeding!! Why not try again elsewhere, with parents not related to the X-Men?!? Why abandon a plan that was this close to conquering the world?

Ah, well, at least he can market the device as a sleep aid on informercials:

From X-Men #18 (1966)