Manic Monday Bonus--Well It *Is* Better Than Bentley Wittman

What's in a name?

Some prison guards are giving Bentley Wittman a bit of a hard time...

I wonder how many other crooks in the Marvel Universe have done this...of course, it would make it kind of difficult when you're on the lam from your latest debacle against the Fantastic Four, and you're trying to find a cheap motel room to hide in, and your ID says "The Wizard." And your bank accounts say "The Wizard," so where are you going to hide your ill-gotten gains? And...

From Fantastic Four Unlimited #5 (1994)

Friday Night Fights--Long Leg Of The Law Style!!

There's one important loophole in Friday Night Fights--Feet Of Fury. That loophole? The guy with the longest legs wins.

The sadly incompetent Frightful Four is trying (again), and failing (again) to take down their self-imposed nemeses, the Fantastic Four. Specifically, the Wingless Wizard thinks he has the upper hand on Mr. Fantastic. The upper hand, maybe, but not the upper foot...



Yes, Reed's stretchable leg kicked the Wizard so hard, it imploded his head.

Spacebooger's legs aren't as long as Reed's...but no comment on the rest of his body parts.
Reed puts the Wizard in the corner in Fantastic Four #130 (1973), by Roy Thomas, John Buscema and Joe Sinnott.

Spring Has Sprung, And Love Is In The Air

Two characters who certainly should have gotten together:

Bentley Wittman, a.k.a. the Wingless Wizard...

...and Agatha Harkness.

I mean, just look at those two...it's a match made in heaven!!

Let's take one more look:


And just think of the lovely children they would have!!

Marilyn Manson's "The Beautiful People" was inspired by these drawings from Fantastic Four #94 (1970), by Kirby and Sinnott.

The Fourth Member--First There Were Three

Before we start to take a look at whom the Frightful Four would turn to in a never-ending quest to find a fourth member, we should take a moment or two to look at the 3 original members, and see why, exactly, they needed help.

Well, long answer made short: because they were a bunch of pathetic losers.

Let's start with Bentley Wittman, also known as the Wizard. Bentley was born a super-genius. Unfortunately, he was one of those Wile E. Coyote type of super-geniuses, in that he felt compelled to take on the Human Torch (in his solo series in Strange Tales) again...and again...and again...And remember, this is Johnny Storm we're talking about here, hardly an Einstein. All of the Wizard's brains and technological wonders couldn't beat even one member of the Fantastic Four.

Heck, in his last solo attempt, his new invention, the anti-gravity disc, backfired on him and carried him up almost into orbit. If it wasn't Acme brand, it might as well have been.

Next up in our Trio of Tepidity is Peter Petruski, a.k.a. Paste-Pot Pete, a.k.a. The Trapster. Pete was a loser who somehow invented the "ultimate weapon"--a gun that shoots out paste. Seriously. You'd think there would be limits on how many plots you could come up with involving a guy who shoots glue--but Stan kept running him out there. (In fairness, Pete does occasionally pull out other high tech traps...but he's a paste guy at heart).

Now, I'm willing to admit that "Paste-Pot Pete" is, without doubt, the stupidest name Stan Lee ever came up with. But let's not let the King of the hook here. Shield your eyes and hide the children, friends: here's the world's first glimpse, via Jack Kirby, of Paste-Pot Pete.

Oh. My. God.

Rounding out our Founding Three is Flint Marko, the Sandman. Now, remember, this long before Spider-Man 3 idiotically decided to retcon Flint into the man who actually pulled the trigger on Uncle Ben (so therefore, even if Spidey had stopped the thief at the wrestling match, Ben would have died anyway...).

Now, I know the Sandman, if used properly, can be a pretty powerful foe. But I also know that, at this point in his career, he was a big-time loser who had struck out every single time against Spider-Man and/or the Torch. Need I remind you that, in Sandy's first appearance, Web-Head beat him with a vacuum cleaner??

And it wasn't even an Oreck...

So, these nineteen-time losers meet through a quirk of fate, and they have a brainstorm...


OK, an idiotic brainstorm, but still. "I know we're 0-27 individually against solo Marvel heroes, but if we team up and take on the most powerful super-team out there, we're guaranteed to win!!" It's so pathetic, it's almost cute. Oh, and "let's get a woman!!" Slick, Wizard, slick.

So that's where we stand, with a triumvirate of no-accounts waiting desperately for a fourth member to make them the equal of the FF:

I suspect that even if they picked the Watcher, this group would strike out.

Stay tuned next week, wherein we introduce the First Fourth Member, and start our tally of Ways To Snatch Defeat From The Jaws Of Certain Victory. Be there, won't you?

Let's see...The Wizard's mug is from New Avengers #33 (2007), Pete's first appearance is Strange Tales #104 (1963), Sandman's suckage is Amazing Spider-Man #4 (1963), and their titanic first team-up occurred in Fantastic Four #36 (1965). Phew...