The True Origin Of The Thunderbolts!!

Look, whomever owns Hostess these days--it's time to bring back these ads in our modern comic books!!

BONUS--We could have Saga Hostess ads, where someone claims they don't like fruit pies, and Lying Cat says...

Yes, I'm a regular Darrin Stevens.

Now someone make this happen!!

From Thunderbolts #9 (1997)

When The Comics Won't Come To Man-Mountain Marko...

You know who doesn't get nearly enough respect?

Man-Mountain Marko, that's who.

He's big, he's strong--super-humanly so, he can fight Spider-Man--or Spider-Man 2099!!--to a stand-still, he's got ins with the Maggia and the Hand, and his name is freaking MAN-MOUNTAIN MARKO!!

As if we needed more bonus, well, we have three important bonus factors:

1) Man-Mountain Marko loooooves to refer to himself in the third person:

2) Man-Mountain Marko starred in his own Hostess ad (which Spider-Man rudely intruded on):

3) Perhaps most importantly: Man-Mountain Marko had a cousin named, and I am not making this up, Man-Mountain Mario.

Yes, Man-Mountain Mario.

Which leaves us hope--palpable hope--for a Man-Mountain Luigi. Or even a Man-Mountain Wario. Or, dare I say it aloud, a Man-Mountain Waluigi?!?

But let's not be sexist. I, for one, embrace the concept of a Woman-Mountain Mavis...

From Amazing Spider-Man #73-74 (1969)

Manic Hostess Monday--What's Really Happening To The Bees!!

You know who had the weirdest Hostess ads?

Captain Marvel had the weirdest damned Hostess ads:

"A family of outer space killer bees." Really.

So that's why the bees are dying off--Mar-Vell filled them with snack cakes, so they all died of malnutrition!!

You know, keeping the royal family here on Earth strikes me as a really poor idea. What if they breed? What if Swarm gets a hold of them??

Anyway, Marvel's other Hostess foes included...

...a "giant flea-market-eating flea."

And:

...a huge disembodied mouth.

WHAT THE HELL, MARVEL???!

Then again, you wanted Mar-Vell to thwart Thanos with cupcakes?

Also, Captain Marvel also has the unique distinction of being the only hero to face the villain who would eventually kill in "real life" in a Hostess ad:

I think Nitro wins in the long run, Mar-Vell...

Manic Hostess Monay Bonus--Best Green Lantern Of Them All?

Let me be perfectly clear--you are never going to convince me that Hal Jordan is "The Greatest Green Lantern" until you can convince me that he can handle a Hostess ad.

Exhibit 1:

Goddammit, Hal, you can't even make it one panel without fundamentally screwing up?!? You had one job--keeping your ring charged. I mean, come on!!

Fortunately for Sector 2814, children with sugary snacks are nearby...

And he skulks off, leaving the kids with a ravenous monster?!?!?!

OK, OK, anyone can have one bad day. Let's see how Hal does with a real villain:

Jeebus, Hal, how frakkin' incompetent can you be?!?!?!

Again, children with a suspiciously large supply of Hostess products are conveniently nearby...

So, we not only learned that Hal can be completely beaten in 2 seconds by one of Barry's lame villains. We've also found out that his ring, "the most powerful weapon in the universe," IS USELESS AGAINST TWINKIES!! Why the hell isn't every villain walking around with a satchel full of Twinkies, waiting to pummel Hal with them?!?! Plus, Hal is constantly having to be rescued by children!!

Somewhere, John Stewart and Guy Gardner are shaking their heads, wondering how the hell Hal got all of the commercial gigs...

Manic Hostess Monday--They're Real!! They're Really Real!!

Stunning revelation of the year:

Those Hostess ads are real!!

Or, rather, in the Marvel Universe, actual heroes did advertising for Hostess Fruit Pies and the like!!

I wonder if they took the form of faux comic book stories, as did the Hostess ads in our own boring reality. How much did the heroes make? Was Spider-Man able to cash his checks? What about the villains in the ads--were they paid?!? Or does the 616 have a "Son Of Sam" type law that prevented convicted crooks from profiting of the stories of their misdeeds? What about the ads starring DC heroes? Did they appear in this universe? If so, were they merely perceived as fictional characters hawking goods, like in our reality?

Sadly, Janet van Dyne never appeared in a Hostess ad in our world...

From The Unstoppable Wasp #7 (2017)

The Commercial Remains The Same

Given concern over the "obesity epidemic," in light of Disney's decision to ban "junk food" ads on its children's networks, given New York City's war on big-ass drinks, well, it's pretty clear that we're just the worst generation ever, right?

I mean, we revere the old Marvel & DC Hostess ads, and it turns out that they were the harbinger of evil and fatitude. it's all our fault!!!

Not so fast. Before you blame yourself, you might want to have a chat with your parents and grandparents:

That's the back cover of Uncle Sam Quarterly #7 (1943). And basically, it's the exact same thing as our beloved Hostess ads. let's take a closer look:



Captain Tootsie has a "secret legion"??







Yup, keep eating candy all day, kids!!

So, when people wish to blame us for unhealthy diet ads, well, as Billy Joel said, we didn't start the fire...

Hey, what's that business at the bottom??

WHAT?!?!?

"Genuine fox tails"? For a dime? "Playing soldier"?!?!? You never saw THAT when Thor fought the Ding-A-Ling Family...

Diversity In Subs, Not So much In Heroes

Finally revealed--the true reason DC is rebooting Justice League:

Yup, the new version of Justice League--or at least the spiffy new logo--debuts in the 8 page (EIGHT PAGES!!!!) mini-comic that appears in most of the DC books this week.

And lest you doubt the commercial intent of this package:

Yup, because NFL players are always walking along the beach discussing the exact ingredients of their Subway sandwiches!

The best part? Bad guys show up, the Justice League shows up, and things quickly devolve to the level of the classic Hostess ads. Don't believe me?

Ha ha--it's funny because Black Manta is a child killer, and he loves your sandwiches. What, Subway, was Doctor Light too busy?

But the bestest part is here, as we see the poster advertising the Justice League's presence:

So...Cyborg: big enough to be a founding member of the new improved Justice League, but not big enough to be in a cheesy Subway ad/story. Good start, DC, to that plan to make Cyborg your big new star. So much for that new diversity.

(In fairness, the story does feature three African-American football players saving Aquaman and being crucial to the Justice League's victory, so we shouldn't try to draw too many inferences. Still, the debut of the new more diverse DC Universe, at least in advertisement form, leaves six white faces on their heroes, and not even a green one to break up the monotone.)

But the bestest bestest part?

We're gonna get three more of these!!

The Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame, Brought To You By Hostess

You know, aside from News Kids On The Block, there are three things I love more than anything else:

*Comic Book rock bands
*Compressed storytelling
*Hostess products

Well, folks, you're about to get all three.

For those not young enough to remember, in the late 70s and early 80s, just about every Marvel and DC comic featured an ad where, in the space of a single page, one of their heroes prevented nefarious villains from doing nefarious thinks by giving them Hostess snacks.

Yes, really.

And while the stories were often childish and poorly (if not bizarrely) written, they were usually drawn by some of the companies' regular artists, and they did feature our favorite heroes. And, most amazingly in this era of decompressed writing for the trades, they featured an actual story (sort of) that was done in one page.

I'm telling you, if DC and/or Marvel were to put out a trade of these things, I would buy it in a heartbeat. Until then, I heartily endorse this site, where Seanbaby provides virtually every superhero Hostess ad ever, along with detailed analysis therein.

But there's one we need to analyze more closely, as true nirvana is reached when you combine the insanity of the Hostess ads with the joyous rapture of faux comic book rock:

You can click to embiggen if you like, but allow me to provide you a guided tour.

First, allow them to set up the story, as "The Three Bottles," who are absolutely no relation to the Four Tops, perform with a new keyboardist:

Then, Batman provides us some exposition, while also laying out his theory of the case:

So, we've gotten more done in two panels than most comics get done in 2 issues these days. I'm just sayin'.

Oh, and please, please please note the musicians who have disappeared: Rich Jaggard, Jim Colorado and Elfish Hipsley.

Oh, subtlety, thy name is Hostess ads.

Fortunately, in the very next panel, we learn the Muse's deadly (?) secret:

....OK. Insane. I grant you that. But more insane than your avergae Bob Haney script? You decide.

Fortunately, Batman isn't phased by the sight of living people being transformed into musical notes and sucked into a synthesizer. Plus, one of the pouches on his utility belt is clearly for snack items:

So once again a sweet tooth is the villain's downfall, as it was in 100% of these ads. Thus enterprises of great pitch and moment see their currents turn awry:

And then, in the capstone, one of the greatest moments in comic book history--The Four Tops The Three Bottles, Mick Jagger Rich Jaggard, Bob Denver Jim Colorado and Elvis Presley Elfish Hipsley sing a rock and roll tribute to Hostess Cup Cakes.

Do you see why I turned out the way I did? Because how could anything, in any other medium, ever come close to that?

This ad was in Hercules Unbound #8 (1976/1977), and surely in many, many other DC Comics as well.