We're going to
spoil some things here, folks. And even though
every single moment of the
Brainiac story arc (except the fact that
Geoff Johns was going to come up with
yet another new and mutually exclusive origin for Supergirl) was
completely predictable from the very first panel, it's too early in the week to talk about these things without a
SPOILER ALERT.
Even the "
huge surprise" at the end was telegraphed ten ways to Sunday thanks to the
mind-numbingly obvious junior high honors English symbolism strewn throughout all 5 parts. But out of courtesy, I'm flagging
SPOILER ALERTS here in a fairly huge way. OK?
So after the picture of Braniac drawn to look exactly like
Lex Luthor (?) the
SPOILERS commence. OK?
(By the way, when Lex Luthor shows up in
Action, will Geoff Johns/
DC make
Gary Frank draw him to look exactly like
Gene Hackman? Just asking...)
OK, after this next picture,
SPOILER ALERT:
LESSON #1 FROM ACTION COMICS #870: Geoff Johns is
so enraptured with the
Richard Donner Superman, he had to kill
Pa Kent unnecessarily so the continuities would match up better in his head.
Then again, if he keeps to the model,
Kal-El can just
fly backwards around the world, turning back time, to save Pa...
LESSON #2: Guess they
should have let Pa Kent drink that beer on the last cover, eh? He'll never get a chance at another one...
LESSON #3: If
Superman doesn't unnecessarily go into space to hunt Brainiac,
Pa Kent would still be alive. Let's start heaping on the guilt, shall we? Because that's how I want my Superman:
Peter Parker-style neurotic...
LESSON #4: Superman will take a beaten foe and
grind his face into the mud with his boot:
That's
Truth, Justice and the American Way, Geoff Johns style!! (For the record, this was
before Pa Kent died, so don't use that as justification for Superman suddenly
mocking and humiliating fallen foes...) Seriously now...is this how Superman would act?
LESSON #4:
Ma Kent is so spoiled (and stupid) from having a super-son,
she doesn't even call 911 when her husband has a heart attack:
Before you say anything, note that as far as she knew, Clark was
still deep in outer space, so even if
Smallville has the
worst ambulance service in the history of history, it's still got to be better than calling for someone who's
light years away.
LESSON #5: Whatever you might think of Gary Frank's art, his ability to draw likenesses is
NOT one of his stengths. So whoever's edict it was to draw the
Man of Steel so that he looks
exactly like
Christopher Reeve,
please stop. Because Frank's
just not good at it, and we get ridiculous results like this:
Christopher Reeve constipated
Christopher Reeve letting out a super-fart (with sound effects)
Christopher Reeve worrying about an IRS audit
Christopher Reeve looking at a cute, cute puppy
Look, DC, if you want a
tracer, hire
Greg Land to draw Action. Otherwise,
let Gary Frank be Gary Frank. It's embarrassing.
LESSON #6: Brainiac is
stupider than Jupiter. If Brainiac's missiles are capable of causing
supernovas, why does the one he fires at the Kents only blow up a house, and not even singe two people standing
ten feet away?!? Why the hell not fire one of your supernova missiles at Smallville, or at least something nuclear? Some revenge,
dimwit...you just got lucky with a heart attack.
LESSON #7: Geoff Johns
really can't go more than a few issues without
whacking someone, can he?
But
other then being wretchedly predictable, being morbidly obsessed with death, being morbidly obsessed with a version of Superman from a movie 30 years ago, making no sense on its own terms, and denigrating the character of Superman, the story didn't
completely suck. Just
mostly.
Thus endeth the lessons.
...you had better brace yourself.
AAAIIIEEEEE!!!!!!!
...you had better brace yourself.
AAAIIIEEEEE!!!!!!!
