7 Lessons From Action Comics #870

We're going to spoil some things here, folks. And even though every single moment of the Brainiac story arc (except the fact that Geoff Johns was going to come up with yet another new and mutually exclusive origin for Supergirl) was completely predictable from the very first panel, it's too early in the week to talk about these things without a SPOILER ALERT.

Even the "huge surprise" at the end was telegraphed ten ways to Sunday thanks to the mind-numbingly obvious junior high honors English symbolism strewn throughout all 5 parts. But out of courtesy, I'm flagging SPOILER ALERTS here in a fairly huge way. OK?

So after the picture of Braniac drawn to look exactly like Lex Luthor (?) the SPOILERS commence. OK?

(By the way, when Lex Luthor shows up in Action, will Geoff Johns/DC make Gary Frank draw him to look exactly like Gene Hackman? Just asking...)

OK, after this next picture, SPOILER ALERT:

LESSON #1 FROM ACTION COMICS #870: Geoff Johns is so enraptured with the Richard Donner Superman, he had to kill Pa Kent unnecessarily so the continuities would match up better in his head.

Then again, if he keeps to the model, Kal-El can just fly backwards around the world, turning back time, to save Pa...

LESSON #2: Guess they should have let Pa Kent drink that beer on the last cover, eh? He'll never get a chance at another one...

LESSON #3: If Superman doesn't unnecessarily go into space to hunt Brainiac, Pa Kent would still be alive. Let's start heaping on the guilt, shall we? Because that's how I want my Superman: Peter Parker-style neurotic...

LESSON #4: Superman will take a beaten foe and grind his face into the mud with his boot:

That's Truth, Justice and the American Way, Geoff Johns style!! (For the record, this was before Pa Kent died, so don't use that as justification for Superman suddenly mocking and humiliating fallen foes...) Seriously now...is this how Superman would act?

LESSON #4: Ma Kent is so spoiled (and stupid) from having a super-son, she doesn't even call 911 when her husband has a heart attack:

Before you say anything, note that as far as she knew, Clark was still deep in outer space, so even if Smallville has the worst ambulance service in the history of history, it's still got to be better than calling for someone who's light years away.

LESSON #5: Whatever you might think of Gary Frank's art, his ability to draw likenesses is NOT one of his stengths. So whoever's edict it was to draw the Man of Steel so that he looks exactly like Christopher Reeve, please stop. Because Frank's just not good at it, and we get ridiculous results like this:

Christopher Reeve constipated

Christopher Reeve letting out a super-fart (with sound effects)

Christopher Reeve worrying about an IRS audit

Christopher Reeve looking at a cute, cute puppy

Look, DC, if you want a tracer, hire Greg Land to draw Action. Otherwise, let Gary Frank be Gary Frank. It's embarrassing.

LESSON #6: Brainiac is stupider than Jupiter. If Brainiac's missiles are capable of causing supernovas, why does the one he fires at the Kents only blow up a house, and not even singe two people standing ten feet away?!? Why the hell not fire one of your supernova missiles at Smallville, or at least something nuclear? Some revenge, dimwit...you just got lucky with a heart attack.

LESSON #7: Geoff Johns really can't go more than a few issues without whacking someone, can he?

But other then being wretchedly predictable, being morbidly obsessed with death, being morbidly obsessed with a version of Superman from a movie 30 years ago, making no sense on its own terms, and denigrating the character of Superman, the story didn't completely suck. Just mostly.

Thus endeth the lessons.