Friday, February 28, 2014

And Then There Was That Time Judge Dredd Beat Up A Mighty Morphin Power Ranger...

If we can't have a real Friday Night Fights this week...

...we might as well show you Judge Dredd beating the crap out of the Red Ranger.

From 2000 AD #973 (1996)

Casper's Weather Report

You know hold cold it is today?

It's so cold that time is frozen!!!


Casper #19 is from 1994

Thursday, February 27, 2014

James Patterson Had Best Find A New Job In The Future...

Apparently, there's going to be a big shake-up in the best-seller lists in the future...

I hope that doesn't apply to television shows, too...heavens to Betsy, if you took away police procedurals, what would TNT and USA show all day long?

From Judge Dredd #16 (2014)

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Deja Vu All Over Again

Way back in the early days of her career, The Wasp is kidnapped by obsessed bad guy The Human Top (later known as Whirlwind), and boy, is he a jerk...

Man, that seems familiar for some reason...

Oh, yeah, right.

To paraphrase the caption from the earlier story...

True dat.

From Tales To Astonish #69 (1965) and Avengers #213 (1981)

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Superman--"I'm Lovin' It"?!?

Product Placement In Comic Book, Example #21,456:

A huge alien beastie is running amok in Central City, and Superman has to stop him (while commenting on some unrelated food issues):

So, DC invents a fake (lawsuit avoiding?) McDonald's...but they still use McDonald's actual slogan and trademarked Golden Arches--for violence and bondage, no less--while dissing on the food!

Hmm, perhaps the corporate lawyers who sued 2000 AD to kill some food-satirizing Judge Dredd stories were asleep at the switch here...

From Superman #314 (1977)

Superman Apparently Would Do Just Fine During The Zombie Apocalypse

As the Man Of Steel movie quite deftly reminded us forgot, Superman has a vow never to kill.

However, even back in the pre-movie days, there was maybe a teeny tiny bit of flexibility in that oath, if Superman was P.O.'d enough, and you got DC Science involved.

The situation: alien a-hole Amalak is out to get Superman, and has sent Jevik, a shape-shifting Klynn, to Earth to fight Kal-El. He also infected Jevik with a plague, and, while disguised as a cute stray dog, the alien has spread the disease to an entire convention of journalists in Central City, including Steve Lombard's son, Jamie.

Jamie has just collapsed from the illness, and Superman is not happy...




Jevik can communicate..."take in fuel"..."excrete" (thanks for that, Marty Pasko!)...reproduce (ewww)...follow orders and display intelligent thought..."hypnotically control how others see it"...and he's still really "dead"???


 That's one damned convenient definition of life and death, Superman. Hopefully, he pulled out this piece of BS in the post-events-of--Man Of Steel interviews to justify himself: "Oh, Zod was a Kryptonian, and he was already in his death phase..."

Not to mention, when you call Jevik "a monster" and "the lowest" and the "most despicable," those seem like moral judgements that usually are applied to living sentients, not dead things. "Hey, rock, you're despicable!"

Again, damned convenient, Kal-El.

Of course, now we know that if the Man From Tomorrow ever guest stars in  the Walking Dead, he'll have no qualms about taking out zombies...

Ahh, but Amalak takes out his space harmonica, and...

So, apparently Superman didn't know as much about Klynn biology as he thought (or Amalak's space harmonica can do magic). Maybe next time, you'll be a little less trigger happy about whom it's OK to destroy...

Meanwhile, Jevik grows to his "living" huge size and goes on a rampage. Superman eventually stops him, and...

Uh...we kinds need to look at that more closely...

So you can't kill him...but you can toss him on a light-years long journey through the cold vacuum of outer space, and he won't die?

I can hear the excuse now: "You see, Steve, the Klynn in their living form don't need air or heat, and..."

So remember, villains and aliens--Superman is just one tortured rationalization and made-up biology lesson away from killing you!!

From Superman #314 (1977)

Monday, February 24, 2014

Manic Monday Triple Overtime--Why Crooks Should Keep It In Their Pants (Metaphorically Speaking)!

Crime Lesson #44: Crimes and dames just don't mix.

For example:


Remember, kids...if they were smart, they wouldn't be criminals!!

From Underworld #4 (1948)

Manic Monday Bonus--Why Metropolis Has The Highest Precetage Of Cable TV Customers In The DC Universe!

Superman, under the influence of Mxyzptlk, has become a super-jerk!

And the most heinous of his offenses?


So wait...wouldn't this happen every time Superman took to the skies of Metropolis, not just when he was feeling mischievous?

Of course, this would have been during the 1960 Winter Olympics, so perhaps he was doing evertyone a favor...

From Superman #135 (1960), as reprinted in Superman #207 (1968)

Manic Monday--Lie, Damned Lies, And Comic Book Ads

Far be it from me to call out a comic book ad for exaggeration and trickeration...

...and I'll grant you, this things looks pretty damn cool (if it ever actually worked).

Still, I must be allowed to quibble.

A) I defy you to find anything "atomic" about this. OK, it's composed of atoms, but I still call shenanigans.

"Indestructible"?? What, it's made of adamantium?!?

OK, now I know you're just plain lying...

Ad appeared in Underworld #4 (1948)

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Why Your Robot Can't Add, or Why I'm Not Allowed To Write Comics Chapter LXXVII

Hyper-Man, the super-hero of the world of Oceania, has invited Superman to his world. Objective: for Superman to help protect his secret identity!

Oh, Silver Age Superman--you always go straight for the robots.

Well, there's a very good reason why Hyper-man doesn't use robots:


Ah, DC Science...You know, a good programmer would never blame the zillium...

Anyway, Superman "helps" Hyper-Man by deliberately blowing his identity AND wiping out his super powers! Why? Because Kal has learned the HM is dying, and he wants Chester King to be able to spend the last year of his life in wedded bliss with his love Lydia Long. that super-dickery, or super-sweetness--or both?!?!

Anyway, for reasons only the elves inside my head can explain, got me thinking about Superman's use of robots, and I've come up with the ultimate Silver Age story:

After getting some ribbing from Batman and Robin about always using robots to get out of jams while not sharing that tech with them, Superman decides to make robots for all his Justice League colleagues.

It all goes swimmingly, until a passing comet (or Superman tunneling through the earth opens a hidden pocket of zillium gas, or...) causes the robots to malfunction (and become invulnerable), and they take over the world as the Robot Justice League. Except one of them is not a robot, it's the real hero who destroyed their robot and is infiltrating the RJL to save the day from within...

And that is why I'm not allowed to write comic books.

[SPOILER ALERT: Eventually the robots are defeated, but "cured" of what caused them to malfunction. So rather than destroy them, Superman transports them to a machine world that has no heroes of its own. And thus begins the the long running Robot Justice League strip in the back of Strange Adventures...along with the annual JLA/Robot JL team-up...]

From Action Comics #265 (1960), as reprinted in Superman #207 (1968)

Saturday, February 22, 2014

The Best Solution To The ROM Rights Crisis!

Looking for the best way to get ROM put back into the spotlight?

Just take one beloved American classic:

And drop one letter, so you get...

ROM And Michelle's High School Reunion!!

Yes, I know that's terrible. But I worked a really long time on it, so just pretend it doesn't suck, OK?

Friday, February 21, 2014

Friday Night Fights--Who Watches The Watcher Die Style!

Yeah, yeah, Original Sin, Watcher dying...been there, done that.

Because for this week's Friday Night Fight, we're going to see a Watcher die.

Yes, Uatu. No, not our alternate universe's Uatu.

You see, in this reality, Reed, Ben ,Sue & Johnny all died when their rocket crashed...oops. Which means that when Galactus came a callin', there was no Fantastic Four to stop them. Which means that the Watcher had to turn to the Avengers. Which means that Alicia Masters wasn't around to sway the Silver Surfer's sympathies. And Iron Man failed miserably when Uatu sent him to fetch the Ultimate Nullifier.

Which basically means this Earth is frakked. And after dealing with the rest of the annoying Avengers, Galactus is about to squish Hercules:

Well, with no pawns left to bail out the Earth, guess who has to take action himself?


Spacebooger can't believe he ate the whole thing...

Titanic tale of an alternate timeline is from What If #41 (1992), as told by Jim Valentino (story/layouts) and Sam de la Rosa (finished art)

Now is the time for you to go and vote for my fight. Why? Because it's difficult to fathom a bigger fight than a Galactus/Watcher tussle! So go and vote!!