Saturday, June 30, 2012

Why Namor Is Better Than Aquaman

Why is Namor better than Aquaman?

Because while certain heroes can't seem to handle a tiny pool of piranha without losing body parts...

Our guy can take on a whole ocean full, and not lose a single extremity:

Plus, there's a giant man-piranha!! Far more jeopardy!!

What? You want to know more about this Piranha guy? Well, in the aftermath of Marvel Team-Up #14 (look it up!)...

So there you go. A man-shaped, intelligent, evil piranha. Thank you, Marv Wolfman.

Besides, we all know that when faced with a little personal adversity, Namor would never let himself go like Aquaman did, with long scraggly hair and a beard and...

...never mind.

Friday, June 29, 2012

Friday Night Fights--Return Of The Dragon Style!!

It's Friday Night Fights time, and for the first time, it's direct sequel time!!

You may remember last week's award-winning fight, where Richard Dragon, Kung Fu Fighter was ambushed in a park in Gotham City by a prove-myself-by-beating-you dufus...and Dragon beat him.

Well, I promised that if I won last week, I'd bring you part 2 of that imbroglio. Well, I won, so here we are!

So, Dragon's dealt with The Stylist...but of course, that precise instant is when you-know-who decides to show up...

Now you know the Batman we've all become accustomed to? The one who is a brilliant detective? The one who can't be beaten in a fight? The one who, with 5 minutes notice, could take down Galactus?

Well, Bob Haney wasn't down with that...

A draw?? No way...Dragon kicked your butt, Caped Crusader!!

Spacebooger knows that Shang-Chi versus Batman is the fight America most wants to see...

Bob Haney and Jim Aparo bring a Batman who ain't all that in Brave And The Bold #132 (1977).

Now is the time for you to go and vote for my fight, because, well...ah, I got nothin'. Just go vote!!

Thursday, June 28, 2012

700 Ways To Die

As most of you must have heard by now, in August's Amazing Spider-Man #692, Spidey is going to get a teenage sidekick named Alpha.

But, as you also may recall, Dan Slott has promised us that Amazing Spider-Man #700 something "massive" and "seismic" and incredible will happen, with implications that it is going to impact every other Marvel book.

Well, that surely can't be a coincidence, can it? Obviously, Spidey's attempts to mentor young Alpha in the "with great power comes great responsibility" lesson is going to conclude in something ridiculously earth-shattering.

So, given that Dan Slott is a damn fine writer who has my full trust, let's toss around some irresponsible speculation, shall we? Let's talk about the possibilities:


Not likely. Marvel just played the "Peter Parker" dies card, over in the Ultimate Universe, and repeating a gimmick so soon, especially when most of the press & general public don't grok the difference between Ultimate Spidey & 616 Spidey, would be a sure way to get everyone to tune out. Even a fake death wouldn't be terribly sellable, at this point.

Oh, I'm sure that if he chose, Slott could come up with perfectly acceptable stories (Spidey dies protecting Alpha, who takes his place! Alpha turns evil & kills Spidey!), the proximity to Miles Morales' debut means this has about a 0% chance.


Possible. In and of itself, that doesn't seem at all "seismic." But consider the possibilities contained therein...
**Spidey blames himself, and quits. Well, we've been there done that quite a bit, and not seismic or massive. Not likely.
**Spidey goes on a big vengeance quest for those who are responsible for Alpha's death. A Spider-Man who really snaps and goes rogue, tearing through the villain community, and don't letting any hero stop him, has some possibilities. We've done this with other heroes, though...
**Peter Parker takes his "no one dies" philosophy to heart, and decides that Alpha's death proves that kids shouldn't be heroes, and he goes all Armor Wars to shut down all the youthful heroes--Avengers Academy, New Mutants, Future Foundation, etc. Granted, this may be too similar to Civil War/Initiative storyline, but you could get some mileage out of that concept.

There's one more "Alpha dies" scenario, but let's come back to that one later...


And of course, immediately calls himself Omega. C'mon, we can see that one coming a mile away.

Of course, there are a lot of variations here, including Alpha Gets Corrupted By Power, Alpha Was Really Evil All Along, Alpha Is Controlled/Misled By Enemy X, etc. But none of those are particularly massive or universe-shattering, unless Spidey goes on a huge quest to bring him down that crosses over all over the place.

There are other possibilities, too, including Alpha is as clone of Uncle Ben, or Alpha is really another Norman Osborn bastard, but those ain't gonna happen, either.

So what is going to happen? Well, this is why they don't let me write comic books:


OK, OK, I know. Trust me, no one hated One More Day more than I did. And yet, since we're stuck with it, maybe Slott can do something with it.

Because honestly, Mephisto must be pretty bummed out by the bargain he made with Peter Parker. Yeah, that great "once in a millennia" love is gone, but it's hard to see much impact on the universe, really. Even Peter and Mary Jane mostly just shrug about their lost relationship.

Indeed, things have really never looked better for Peter Parker. He's a member of the FF and Avengers, he's recognized by (almost) everyone as a hero, he's saved the entire world a couple of times, he's got a high-paying science job...everything's coming up roses for Parker, and that must really tick of Mephisto. Sets a bad precedent for futures deals, you see.

So, what if...what if Mephisto corrupts Alpha (or, maybe if he was Alpha all along?). And what if Mephisto sets Alpha up to kills hundreds or thousands of people? And Spider-Man has his "no one dies" ideal, but the only way to save all the innocent civilians would kill Alpha??

And not only that, but Mephisto arranges it so that no one knows that Alpha has turned, and has everyone--I mean everyone--witness Spidey kill the young and "innocent" hero. And somehow, he reveals himself as Peter Parker at the same time.

So no more Big Time. Spider-Man, hunted by police again and by everyone else. No allies, because everyone saw him do it. No more job, more hot-shot scientist friends, no more secret identity, no more Avengers, no more FF, no more allies anywhere. From the heights, Spider-Man and Peter Parker are brought down to the lowest depths.

Now that sounds more like how a deal with Mephisto is supposed to turn out, doesn't it?

OK, I'm wrong, of course. Feel free to come back in December and tell me what an idiot I am (or tell me now, beat the Christmas rush!!)'s seismic, it's earth-shattering, it would impact plenty of other books, it would be a very Peter Parker end to Big Time, it might serve to somewhat redeem some tiniest portion of One More Day...I'm sold. But again, that's why they don't let me write comic books...

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Maybe He Should Have Written A To-Do List...

Did you every have something really, really REALLY important you had to do, but then you got caught up in other stuff and kind of forgot what it was?

Remember how, throughout Avengers Vs. X-Men, Cyclops has been an incredibly single-minded butt-head, because there was one super-important reason to allow the Phoenix Force to come to Earth?

The Phoenix Force was rebirth, and it was going to undo the Scarlet Witch's erasing of 99% of the world's mutants. Nothing was more important than this--NOTHING!!

So...the flaming bird thingie shows up, but instead of possessing Hope, it takes over the main team of X-Men. And of course, the very first thing Scott does is restore all the mutants, right?

Uh..."every" goal, Scott? What about...?

Well, yeah, food is nice, but your first priority was...

All right, water and energy are cool, but so far you haven't resurrected a single mutant, have you?

Well, yes, disarming the world is good...but wasn't preserving your race your entire reason for welcoming Phoenix?

Yeah, Pax Utopia, great...but are you ever going to get around to re-empowering the 99%ers?

Hello? Scott??

(And is Captain America--or anyone--going to point out to Cyclops that he's lost the mission?)

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Bold Fashion Choices--Wonderman!!

The is one iron-clad, never-wrong, absolutely unbreakable rule in comic books:

If your name is Wonder Man (or Wonderman)...

You ALWAYS have the worst damned costume in the universe!

Still, that cover, with Nazis in dyed-green KKK outfits and flamethrowers, was pretty cool. Too bad nothing like that appeared inside the comic...

From Mystery Comics #2 (1944)

Monday, June 25, 2012

Manic Monday Double Secret Bonus--The Singing Trees of Aldeberan

This will make your day more freaky:

You're welcome.

From Fantastic Worlds #7 (1953)

Manic Monday Bonus--Good News, Everybody!

Just uncovered--the extremely rare story featuring the Golden Age version of Futurama:

From Fantastic Worlds #7 (1953)

Manic Monday--There's Always Work At The Post Office!

So, dear readers, the question has arisen: what is the toughest and shrewdest crime fighting agency in America? The FBI? DEA? ATF? U.N.C.L.E.?

No, no, no and no, you silly geese...

Ha!! Bet you didn't see that coming!!

In today's case...

So, wait...registered letters are just laying around in an open box where any goomba can reach in and grab them?!?

Fortunately, the U.S. Postal Inspection Service is on the job!!

Wait...not even a single lead?

Howz about...he's stealing figure out where they're being cashed and work from that end?

Howz about, I dunno, checking the postmark on the bleeding letter?

Howz's a registered letter, right? Those are supposed to be tracked, right? Even in 1948, you must know what postal branches they go through, right??

Howz check for fingerprints on the envelopes? He's not wearing gloves...

Nope, they're right. Not a single lead. But that won't stymie the U.S. Postal Inspection Service, nosirree. See, our unnamed agent has a plan!

Wait...this is a "small" Midwestern town, but it has six post offices?

And so...

An agent who picked the silliest method possible when there must have been abundant clues! Thank heavens for the United States Postal Inspection Service!!

From Real Life Comics #44 (1948)