Friday Night Fights--Not A Chance In Hell Style!!

All right, it's time to kick off a new bout of Friday Night Fights, and we're going to do it with a doozy.

Even though there's no way in hell that it could actually happen that way.

Firelord, former herald of Galactus, possessor of the Power Cosmic, able to fly into the heart of a blazing sun, is going to take on...Spider-Man.

You see, Firelord has come to Earth because he had a craving for pizza (seriously). Unfortunately, a bunch of idiot New Yorkers decide that he's a mutant, and they attack him. Firelord is about to kills the dummies, when Spider-Man intervenes.

Not a good move, because now Firelord has decided he must avenge the dishonor of such a lesser being touching him. So he's chasing Spidey all over New York City, destroying as he goes.

Now, look--it's Spider-Man. Versus Firelord. Proportional strength of a spider versus power to move meteor swarms. Spider-speed and reflexes versus a ability to move faster than light. No contest, right?

Well, Peter Parker sure gives it a game try. He tricks Firelord into running into a subway train head-on:

Miraculously, no innocent passenger is hurt in this lame-brained stunt.

Next? Webhead tricks Firelord into a building about to be demolished:


That doesn't work. Duh. So he tries throwing chunks of building at the dude:

Fail again. So, let's up the stakes: Spider-man tricks Firelord into blowing up a gas station:


Unbelievably, this gas station was in the middle of "over a square block of abandoned housing"--because that's where gas stations are always operating--so again, miraculously, no civilian even had their hair singed by an explosion that Spidey was sure could stop a former herald of Galactus. Yeah, right.

Well, now Spidey is out of tricks, and trapped in a wide open area. What's he gonna do?

You don't mean?

Yes--Spider-Man is going to try and defeat a being with power equivalent to the Silver Surfer--by punching him.




And guess what--it works!?!?!?

Wow, that's mighty...unlikely. Really?? I mean, seriously?? Peter Parker took down Firelord?!?

I know, I know, he's "wearing" the symbiote, so he's stronger than normal, and maybe symbiotes are like kryptonite to cosmic-powered Xandarians, and maybe he was secretly possessed by Captain Universe, and...

Nope, I'm sorry, I just can't believe it. And neither can Spacebooger. You might as well suggest that Stilt-Man had a chance against Thor...

Even Tom DeFalco, Ron Frenz, and Bob McLeod had to know it's kinda bull@#$% to think that Spider-Man could beat Firelord in Amazing Spider-Man #270 (1985).

Hey, here's a special bonus for you kiddies: Roger Stern, John Buscema and Tom Palmer's version of the exact same fight from Avengers #258 (1985) (which somehow appeared 3 whole months before the version in Amazing Spider-Man...great scheduling, Marvel!!).

Now, Spacebooger wants you to vote: so vote, dammit.

Mismatch of the Millennium II

Several months ago I presented what I termed the Mismatch of the Millennium--Thor vs. Stilt-man. Yes, that Thor and that Stilt-Man. Admittedly, I was a little too harsh on what was basically a just a silly late 1970's story (as Walt Simonson himself pointed out to me in a very nice email).

Of course, there have been other terrible mismatches in Marvel history. Today it's time to look at one of those. So I'll be much more polite about this Mismatch of the Millennium: Iron Man vs. Kraven the Hunter.

Now, this was 1964, when Iron Man wasn't the effectively omnipotent Extremis-wielding manipulator of governments that he is today. No, in 1964 he was still dependent upon his chest plate for survival (and still whining about it every chance he got). He was constantly worrying about running low on power, because his foes had a nasty habit of jumping him right after he'd done something strenuous and right before he'd had a chance to recharge. When powered up, he was tough...but he wasn't able to maintain his charge even as long as my sucky wireless mouse, which needs new batteries every 5 minutes. So, unlike today, back then Kraven vs. Iron Man wasn't necessarily an automatic laugher.

So, how will 1964 Iron Man fare against Kraven the Hunter??



Uhh...that long. 3 whole panels (plus the drag off). Considerably less time than a man on stilts lasted against the God of Thunder (6 pages?!?!).

Of course, that was part of the fun of early 60's Marvel--Stan could have anybody show up in anybody else's book and they'd have fun with it (that whole bit with Kraven was just the set-up for a "Chameleon tricks Iron Man into fighting Captain America for a whole issue" story). Back then, we didn't need no stinkin' "Acts of Vengeance" to have one hero's foes fight some other hero...they just showed up!! Sometimes a cameo, sometimes a full issue...anything could happen. Remember the buzz when Nick Fury showed up at the end of the Iron Man movie? Well, that kinda stuff was happening EVERY MONTH back then. A wild and woolly place, that early 60's Marvel...

Kraven's sad attempt to join the big leagues took place in Tales of Suspense #58 (1964). Of course, that fight wasn't exactly suspenseful, so maybe the mag should have been re-titled Tales of Ass-Whoopin'.

Mismatch of the Millennium

Ladies and gentleman, children of all ages, preeeeesenting the most lopsided and ill-conceived superhero battle of all time:

Your eyes do not deceive you, dear reader: Thor vs. Stilt-Man. The Norse God of Thunder versus a nerd in a suit with hydraulic legs. The Avenger who can go toe-to-toe with the Hulk, against a loser who regularly thrashed by Daredevil. Thor, who had left the Avengers not much earlier because he felt he was too strong to hang with mortals, battling a guy on freaking stilts.

Oh, Len Wein tries really, really hard to sell this, pumping up Stilt-Man's rep beyond all imagining. They gave him an adamantium stilt suit this time, for example. Ohhhhh, scary. Listen to Stilt-Man's inflated sense of self:


Oh, no, not a "man who change his very height with the speed of thought!!" Why, that would make him nearly as powerful as Ant-Man!!

OK, wait a minute--battling a living god MAY be beyond you? You're Stilt-Man, for chrissakes!! You couldn't handle Black Widow!!

And after a 6-page battle (SIX PAGES!!!!), Thor finally remembers he's the God of Thunder, taps his hammer on the ground twice, and fries Stilty with lightning. Easy peasy (finally!). Yet somehow, Thor, who has fought Hercules, Ares, Iron Man, Hulk, Silver Surfer, etc, etc., feels the need to give Stilt-Man some mad props:

A mighty foe? A MIGHTY FOE?!?!?! By Odin, what the Hel are you talking about, Thor? Stilt-Man couldn't give Volstagg a tough time!! Who's next on your "mighty foe" list: The Owl? The Chameleon?

What is especially baffling...you may have noticed the cover blurb pimping "Stilty's new partner!" Who, on the last page, is revealed to be Blastarr!! Len Wein, you have Blastarr waiting in the wings and you send Stilt-Man on as the warm-up act???

Truly a puzzling choice of villains. Len Wein was his own editor on Thor at the time, so it was apparently all his decision to have the God of Thunder a) fight Stilt-Man, b) have Stilt-Man give Thor a tough time, c) use an awful lot of dialogue to convince us that Stilty was actually a threat to Thor, and d) feature this battle on the cover (no doubt a vast boon to sales..."Hey, Billy, loan me 35¢ quick...Thor is fighting Stilt-Man!!"). Despite having the entire Marvel Universe to choose from, this was his choice?

Wein had done some interesting things in his 2+ year run, but clearly he had run out of ideas on what to do in the mag. His run ended 2 issues later.

Oh, and you probably can't tell it from those scans, but the interior art is by young Walt Simonson, in his first stretch as regular Thor artist. Walt's signature style was still evolving, and was buried under very heavy inking by Tony DeZuniga.

OK, I know I've over-reacted here...but good gosh, Thor vs. Stilt-Man???

So, anybody out there have their own nominations for Mismatch of the Millennium?

The New England Patriots versus the Arizona Cardinals of super-hero battles is from Thor #269, 1977.