You'd Think Proctor & Gamble Would be Marketing This...

The best part of being Lex Luthor is, you can make up any damn nonsensical malarkey you like and call it "science."

The worst part of being Lex Luthor? Being too dumb to actually get rich with your scientific discoveries.

For example, Lex is serving out his life sentence, but he's especially overjoyed to get breakfast this morning. Let's watch...

No one could guess "Luthor's amazing scheme," because it has nothing to do with the physical properties of reality as we know it...

Yes, THIS REALLY HAPPENED!!

Take mouthwash, orange juice, aspirin, and two parts of a radio, stand in front of a loud horn, and you're invisible!!

If fairness, only Luthor knows the crucial details--pulp, or no pulp? Buffered aspirin, or not? Minty, or Listerine?

Still, once again, we're left with the conundrum, "Why be a crook when you could just patent this shit and make a squajillion dollars?"

But instead of marketing his incredibly cheap and easy invisibility potion--and what would various governments pay for that little gem?--this is how he chooses to make his living (and what he was in prison for):

Oh, Lex...You could spend $1.59 at Walgreens for all the ingredients to a highly-marketable invisibility potion, or you can spend $28 bajillion on "giant sun spheres" that have to cost far more than you could ever "rob."

Alls I'm saying is, maybe you need to ad an MBA to your list of evil degrees...

From Action Comics #355 (1967)

THIS REALLY HAPPENED--Lest We Forget

You might want to remove the children from the room...(go ahead, I'll wait)

...because we've got to flash back to a terrible time in our history, a time when we had apparently lost all control, a time when...

...well, a time when this happened:

Yes, THIS REALLY HAPPENED.

This is how Marvel wanted to portray Thor in 1996. This is what they wanted the cover of Thor #500 to look like. And yes, that's Amora the Enchantress. Because that's how goddesses dressed in the 90s.

As terrifying as it is, let's zoom in as little:

Ye. Gods.

Never forget, my friends, lest we doom ourselves to repeat the past.

Ri¢hie Ri¢h's In¢eption

Cobb and his crew had a really tough time trying to plant an idea in this billionaire's subconscious:

Oh, wait, this wasn't a dream--THIS REALLY HAPPENED!!!

Nope, not a dream, just a mysterious coat of arms and some wishing cookies that Wendy The Witch baked lead to Ri¢hie and Casper going back in time to save his ancestor from a barbarian invasion and make sure his family ended up owning the oil fields there...

Mmm, am I sure that wasn't a dream...?

THIS REALLY HAPPENED--Spider-Spectre!!

And then there was the time the the Archangel Michael declared that the Spectre no longer fit in in the new forgiveness-based post-Jesus world, so he exiled him "to another belief system" (that's a direct quote!):

THIS REALLY HAPPENED!!

Now if DC would only bring us the Scientologist Spectre...

From Spectre #0, 1994

THIS REALLY HAPPENED--Blasters!!

And then there was the time that the Dominators gave Snapper Carr super powers (he could teleport, but only when he snapped his fingers!), and he formed a pretty lame super team, and they gave him his own book:

THIS REALLY HAPPENED!!!

Now, I'm not sure what the point of rebooting your whole damned universe if you're not going to bring back Snapper Carr and The Blasters. In the Third Wave, maybe?!?

THIS REALLY HAPPENED--Kill-Derby!!

As we deal with a wave of violence in sports today, we find that, as per usual, Jack Kirby predicted it all. Or, as we like to say in these parts:

THIS REALLY HAPPENED!!!!!!

Yes, Captain America had to participate in...KILL-DERBY!!

Why? Well, it's a long story (MadBomb, anyone?), but the bottom line is:

True, we cannot let the shield participate in something that will make it a symbol of shame...uhh, please nobody tell 1976 Cap about Civil War, OK??

So, to rescue the shield, Cap and Falcon have to join on of the teams in the sport of the future (no, not kickboxing):


Motorized skateboards? OK, but what else does this sport bring us?




So, yeah, lots of rampant devices, and death, and cheating. Still...

...Kill-Derby is still slightly less violent than the NHL...