Monday, January 4, 2016

Manic Monday Triple Overtime--Variety Is The Spice Of The Fantastic Four!!

Isn't it time that we all asked ourselves:

I mean, cosmic rays are finicky things, right? Who knows how they can effect people if you just tweak one angstrom here or one cosmic filament there?

So let's get started. What if they all had the Human Torch's powers?

Now remember, the true purpose of What If? is to show that every possible outcome is worse than Marvel-616, so we can never complain. "Hey, we gave you the best possible story--stop whining, or we'll show you how it could have gone!"

With that in mind, during one of their earliest battles, all of that flame gets a little bit out of control. And...

Well, dead babies are pretty bad, so:

Hmm, Sue in a nunnery, no Captain America, no Sub-Mariner...I'm pretty sure this world died from Doom or Galactus or the Kree-Skrull War...

Next: What if they all had Reed's stretchy powers?

Well, Sue and Ben decide that those powers are just too damn icky and stupid to ever use...

...while Johnny has kind of the wrong attitude:

And so?

Wait--they never used the powers? Ever? Not even when the remote is sitting across the room?

Well, this world is probably doomed, too...

Now, What If everyone became Things?

Ben is no surprise, although he has already evolved to his later look...

Reed is some kind of brute...

...which is clever enough, because the Reed Richards of Counter-Earth became The Brute.

Johnny because kind of a sloppier, meltier early version of The Thing...

And whither Sue?

She becomes Sue-Thing!!

I suspect we should call foul on this, but hey, alternate reality. And so there's only one thing to do:

So, without Reed's intelligence or any of them to act as heroes (and no Cap), this universe pretty clearly doesn't live past, oh, 1966.

Finally, what if they the all got Sue's powers?

Well, actually, they kind of split up Sue's powers. She can still turn invisible, Reed can turn other things and people invisible, Ben can project invisible force fields, and Johnny can turn intangible.

What??!?! FOUL!!! (Shhh...alternate universe). Anyhow, they all end up working for S.H.I.E.L.D. (how? why? FOUL!!!!), and they kind of crush Doctor Doom in his first attack:

Well, this universe just might have a chance of survival!

Still, 3 out of 4 universes seem headed for tragedy. So it's a good thing they all got separate powers, right?

Final verdict? All four universes, no matter their differences, are still better than that terrible, terrible Fox movie.

From What If? #11 (1990)


Mista Whiskas said...

Useless? Stretch powers are common in super hero continuities because they have so many uses.

snell said...

Despite lots of spiffier powers out there, I don't think a single day goes by when I don't wish that I could stretch for something...