Thursday, March 24, 2016

The True Story Of How Batman V. Superman Got Made!

Well, I haven't seen Batman V. Superman: The Dawn Of Justice yet, but the critical consensus so far has been...unkind. I find out this evening.

But...what if...the heroes deliberately made the film bad?!?

Before Gotham City became a hellhole, Commissioner Gordon had nothing better to do than cajole Batman and Robin to entertain the public!
Superman hears and decides to join in. And a certain filmmaker is going to make a big donation to charity for the right to film to show!

But he has an ulterior motive, of course...

Well, over a harrowing three days, every single reenactment goes disastrously wrong!! For example:



No exaggeration--every single stunt goes wrong!! So Zack Snyder Henry Bartle is pretty cheesed!


So much for the orphans!

Of course there's an explanation...


You bastards! How dare you try to make money after legitimately purchasing the right to make a movie!!

D'oh!!!

So, anyway, you can believe that WB deliberately made a Superman/Batman movie that's received critical disdain.

OR you can believe that Kal-El & Bruce deliberately ruined the movie thermselves, so that DC and Zack Snyder would give back the rights, and then the heroes could go on to make the good movie which would make millions for charity. Except, of course, DC didn't realize it was a turkey, and released it anyway.

I know which theory I believe...

From World's Finest Comics #86 (1957)

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Meet The Guardians!!

I know, I know, the classic Guardians Of The Galaxy can be intimidating. They have actual histories that are a bit more complex than "Hey, I fancy myself a rogue! Like me, dammit!" or "I'm a killer, and that's all you need to know!"

Take Vance Astro--there's two of him! What the heck?!?!

Easy peasy:

See?

And what about Starhawk? He's so powerful, but so mysterious...what's his deal?

And what about Martinex? Martinex never gets no love! What's up with him?

See? Lovable guys, all!!

But I hear you protesting--"What about Chris Pratt?"

You got me there...pretty damn dreamy.

Still, Vance Astro got dead sexy as the series went on:

From Guardians Of The Galaxy Annual #1 (1991). Guardians Of The Galaxy #20 is from 1992

The ORIGINAL Guardians!

Hey, it's Guardians Of The Galaxy day!

No, not those wannabes! A goofball, two green-skinned killers, and a Han Solo & Chewbacca knock-off?

Sure, they made a moderately entertaining movie. But if you really have a galaxy that needs saving, THESE are the guys you want:

(Click to embiggen to full excititude!)

Marvel has finally started putting the 1990s Guardians Of The Galaxy series on Marvel Unlimited, so now you can read about the band of heroes who saved the solar system from the Badoon, who thwarted the mad schemes of Korvac the Machine Man, who gave us adventures in the 30th century, who...

I'm just saying, good stuff...

Splash from Guardians Of The Galaxy Annual #1 (1991)

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

High-Concept Pitches, Aftershock-Style!

Part of the decline of Hollywood, or at least so the legend goes, was the loss of attention span of the studio execs. They could no longer be expected to read entire scripts, or even real synopses. The producer/writer/agent/whomever had to make "elevator pitches," i.e. you had the length of an elevator ride to sell the story.

The execs must have gotten even more jealous of their time, though, as those elevator pitches were apparently too long. Now they only wanted high-concept pitches, where you describe your concept as as mash-up of two (or more) other successful projects: "It's like Ghostbusters meets the Beverly Hillbillies, but in 1950s Las Vegas!!" (That idea is copyright me, btw) No wonder so many of our movies are, well, crap now, as studio executive care about nothing more than the pitch, and let people like Max Landis keep writing the finished product.

But the high-concept pitch exists in comics, too...at least when they try to sell the comics to retailers and customers.

A couple of weeks ago, this freebie turned up at my LCS:

Hey, I'll snag anything free!

And it's what you'd expect...synopses of the comics, sample pages, quotes from reviewers. But Aftershock thought that wasn't enough, so for virtually every project, they felt compelled to put, unattributed but in far bigger print than anything else, the high-concept pitch for each book.

Please note, I'm not slamming the books, or the creators. I get and enjoy couple of the books, some just aren't my cup of tea, and some just aren't out yet.

But I just find it amusing that Aftershock's marketing department found it necessary to break almost every single one of there books down to a lowest-common-denominator, "this book is really just concept X + concept Y" high-concept pitch.

Take, for example, American Monster:

Apparently, an interesting synopsis, preview pages, and actual reviews aren't enough to sell us the book. Let's try this:

Sold, I guess?

How about Replica?

I haven't read the book, but I'm willing to wager that it's nothing like this:

What about Insexts?

Gotta dumb it down to attract the fans:

Then there's Super Zero:

In case the actual premise isn't attractive enough for you, well, let's try this:

No, I read the book, and it's really not that in the least.

What about Second Sight?

Hmm, how can we sell this book?

Again, I read the book, and it's pretty good, and really, it's not like that at all. "It's like Silence Of The Lambs and Chinatown on SHROOMS"? That's borderline insulting to the book (although one character does partake of mushrooms, so...)

B.E.K.?


Seriously, you guys have got to stop this...

Jackpot!?


Seriously.

Maybe these are really the high-concept pitches that the creators themselves used to sell the books to Aftershock. But somehow I doubt it.

We grown up readers, Aftershock. You really don't need to dumb down the premises of your books for us. Have your marketing guys calm down a bit, and sell the work, not some two-bit elevator pitch that often has little to do with the actual work.

Unless, of course, you're interested in my new book, which is an X-Files/Gilligan's Island mash-up on steroids, and...

Monday, March 21, 2016

Manic Monday Triple Overtime--Prune Juice, Honey And Powdered Hawk Bones!!

Hey, it's time for another episode of...

In which we prove that, no matter how stupid modern love customs may be, our ancestors were even dopier.

For example, if you have a little tiff with your significant other:

Which just goes to prove that a man would rather do anything--even bathe in goop--than actually apologize to his girlfriend!

Hmmm, prune juice, honey and the powdered bones of a dead hawk...someone get me Proctor & Gamble on the line!!

From Boy Meets Girl #20 (1952)

Manic Monday Bonus--How Ben Grimm Primps For A Big Date!!

Cleanliness is next to Thingliness, or some such, so Ben has to get clean for his big date:

Again?

Damn, the Baxter Building has everything!!

How about when you're done, Ben?

Me, I'd settle for the thirty-second heat dry, but there's some potential here:

Geez, think of the endorsement opportunities here, Grimm!! "I use this moisterizer--just think how I'd look without it!!"

From Startling Stories: The Thing--Night Falls On Yancy Street #2 (2003)

Manic Monday--How Frank Frazetta Saved Us From Drugs

In Boy Meets Girl #20 (1952), Frank Frazetta taught us how we can "stop the enemies of youth":

I will say that I would have been much more likely to turn in dope peddlers to parents, clergy, teachers, police and social service agencies had these message come from this guy:

 Or even these guys:

But 1952 was a little too early for that kind of message!

Sunday, March 20, 2016

Tales From The Quarter Bin--A Timely Reminder!

I don't want any of you to panic...but we're fast approaching the 20th anniversary of...

Will there be parties? A parade? Cake...?

Heroes Reborn 1/2 (sigh) is from 1996

Friday, March 18, 2016

Friday Night Fights--Freaky Friday Style!!

Oh, comics, you can always find a way to make our heroes fight.

In this week's Friday Night Fights, a case of mistaken identity turns very painful.

The Red Skull has used the Cosmic Cube to switch bodies with Captain America--because like every villain who gains absolute control of reality, he wastes the infinite power on parlor tricks!!

Well, Steve goes to the Avengers, hopeful that one of his fellow heroes can help him out of this dilemma.

Nope.












Wow...the Vision really is radder than you think

Spacebooger thinks that, given how often villains pull off body switches, the Avengers really should have a system of passwords or something.

Freaky Friday from Captain America #116 (1969), by Stan Lee, Gene Colan and Joe Sinnott

Now is the time for you to go and vote for my fight! Why? Well, maybe I'm really Stan Lee trapped in snell's body--yeah, that's the ticket!! And only by voting for me can you free me, oh fabulous ones! So go and vote, true believers!!