Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Finding The Next Guardians

Well, if the Guardians Of The Galaxy film proved one thing, it's that Marvel can make a film out of pretty much any of its properties, no matter how obscure. If you write it well and direct it well (and advertise the living hell out of it and give it a bitchin' soundtrack), people will come.

And the (modern) Guardians comic proved that if you just take a bunch of random, underused characters (ahem LOSERS ahem) who really don't have any relation to each other and throw them together, that can work. A more successful version of the Defenders, it seems.

So I'm going to help Marvel find it's "next Guardians," the C and D characters who will rack of a few hundred million at the box office.

And to make it a challenge, I'm only going to use characters who've starred in Marvel Premiere and Marvel Spotlight, because that's a key breeding ground for losers.

Let's start with this guy...

...and his sister:

People keep forgetting that Disney owns Satan (at least, Marvel's version!)

People keep saying, "Demons are the new zombies," whatever that means. Well, if it's true, the Marvel Cinematic Universe is primed to take advantage, with a brother/sister act that makes Pietro and Wanda look like Sugar & Spike.

Next up:

I know, I know...but people said a talking raccoon would never work, either. Bonus: it recaptures the Mantlo/Giffen magic of Rocket! Bonus: hundreds of "They made a Woodgod movie before they made a Wonder Woman movie" tweets.


Look, if Marvel is going keep making their movies 3D, they might as well get meta about it, right? Plus, his origin is a prime opportunity to work Skrulls into the MCU...


Oh, come on, just look at that! It's already a damn movie poster! Sci-fi sword and sorcery werewolf?!? That's higher than high concept--it's brilliant!


Let's out-obscure Star Lord, shall we? A blind bounty-hunter from an alternate future who uses a golden mechanical falcon named Ulyssess to see?!? Think of all the "bird's-point-of-view" shots the director could indulge himself with!

So that's our new Guardians: Son Of Satan and Satana, Woodgod, 3D Man, Man-Wolf, and Monark Starstalker! Hmm...what shall we call our new franchise? The Defenders? The Champions? Whatever, it's money in the bank!

Wait, you say...what about this guy?

Sorry, even Marvel couldn't make a good film out of this guy...


SallyP said...

That...that is certainly an eclectic bunch of characters!

art.the.nerd said...

Hey! Why are you dissing Jack of Hearts? I always thought he was criminally under-used and criminally cliche'd simultaneously.

Comicsfan said...

This is just crying out for a graphic of all the characters together in a lineup, you know. :)

Jason Atomic said...

Son Of Satan for the win! i'd love to see a Manwolf movie though they may have to call him "Stargod" as Manwolf most likely falls under the control of Sony & their Spidey license... just as 3D man would be out because Skrulls are fantastic Four baddies :(

snell said...


You might think so. But then again. they were able to use Ronan and the Kree in GotG, and they were just as much FF-based as the Skrulls...