Thursday, July 17, 2014

But What Are Identity Protection Plans 1 Thru 6?!?

Hey, it turns out that taking that job at the Daily Planet was a good idea, as Clark Kent gets a hot scoop on a breaking disaster!

But how to get away from work?

Well played, Mr. Kent. But you can't leave us like that! The existence of "Identity-Protection Plan 7" implies the existence of 6 other identity-protection plans!! What might they be?!?

Identity-Protection Plan 1: Put an "OUT TO LUNCH" sign outside your office door.

Pros: Not suspicious--everyone eats lunch!!
Cons: Only works at lunchtime.

Identity-Protection Plan 2: Leave a suicide note on your desk, and the window open.

Pros: Pretty effective--Superman would never kill himself, so good cover!
Cons: Only works once.

Identity-Protection Plan 3: Lock office door, play tape recording of...ummm...vigorous sexual activity taking place.

Pros: In the Silver Age, you're pretty safe, as no one in Metropolis would be a Peeping Tom.
Cons: Well, maybe Steve Lombard would try to peep...also, Lois would go off on one of her investigative frenzies to find out who Clark's new girl is...

Identity-Protection Plan 4:  Lock door, put up sign saying "Emergency Nap," play tape recording of snoring.

Pros: Everyone loves a good nap.
Cons: Steve Lombard is no respecter of naps. Perry White would not be amused.

Identity-Protection Plan 5: Tell everyone you have a doctor's appointment.

Pros: HIPAA keeps co-workers from asking too many questions.
Cons: Use it too often, everyone thinks you have cancer, backfires by getting you too much attention.

Identity-Protection Plan 6: Go around all day complaining of intestinal distress. Then leave shoes visible under bathroom stall door, play tape recording of your moaning plus disgusting intestinal distress sounds.

Pros: Pretty much foolproof.
Cons: Will get you awful nicknames.

From Action Comics #421 (1973)

1 comment:

Mista Whiskas said...

It's funny that Superman became so powerful that for a long time most of his stories were about incredibly convoluted challenges to keeping his secret identity. It's like the comic should have gotten some kind of anti-GLAAD award for ingenious stories of how one could keep in the closet, metaphorically speaking.