Hey, Whatever Happened To All Those Superman Robots??

Remember all those wonderful robots Superboy and Superman used to have?

Whatever happened to them?? After being all over the place in the Silver Age, they sort of vanished in the Bronze Age, rarely to be seen again (unless, of course, you want to gratuitously kill some Teen Titans).

But why? I mean, even if you're virtually-godlike Superman, the benefits of a fleet of super-powered robots, identical to you, is nearly incalculable. If nothing else, you can use them to fill in at all the lame public appearances you have to make while you do something useful like save the Earth. They can take care of minor annoyances, like kittens in trees, while you deal with Brainiac and Terra Man.

Perhaps more importantly, they could virtually solve all your hide-the-secret-identity problems. Hell, just have one of the robots permanently assigned to "confound Lois" duty, and you've made short work of 90% of Silver Age secret identity hijinks!!

So why did they go out of use? For a very good reason, it turns out. In World's Finest #202 (1971), Superman discovers that there's a big problem with his robot doubles:


"Attuned to the planet itself"?? What does that even mean, Kal-El??

So much for having "perfected them." Seriously--overpopulation interferes with the proper functioning of your robots? You're no Professor Ivo, are you, Clark?

You "have no choice but to retire" them?? Well, isn't "rebuild them so they work with the planet in its current condition" a pretty valid option? They're already immune to kryptonite, and can fly into the sun--can't you buttress them up against "man-made radiation"?? Find a way to filter/counter the pollution? Upgrade their OS??

Nope, it's time to trash these "good and faithful servants," without the slightest attempt to salvage them.

And don't think we didn't notice that you're blaming humans for your design failures, Kal-El!!

No wonder the robot that gained sentience went berserk and kicked the living crap out of you, Superman...

Manic Monday--Straight Trippin' With The Silver Surfer

So, the Second Kree-Skrull War has just ended (yes, there was a second one...pay more attention in history class!), and not coincidentally, it's also Steve Englehart's last issue on his Silver Surfer run. So the Living Tribunal (as opposed to all those Dead Tribunals, I suppose) shows up to give Norrin Radd a special present:


Because, apparently, Englehart thought that a whiny, self-important, voluntary accessory to mass genocide was worthy of a "moment of godhood." (Have I mentioned that I really don't like the Silver Surfer? I really don't, you know.)

Of course, Radd accepts, so prepare yourself for some serious trippin' from Englehart and Ron Lim:











From Silver Surfer #31 (1989).

World's Finest #202--You Make The Call!!

If you remember sitting through NFL games of the 70s and early 80s, you'll no doubt remember the "IBM Presents: You Make The Call" commercials bits. (My memory tells me that Alcoa, the aluminum company, was the earliest sponsor of the segment, but I can't find firm evidence of that). During a commercial break, IBM would show us a brief clip from an old football game involving some interpretation of the rules, and then challenge us to "make the call" ourselves. After a brief pitch for their computers, they'd come back with the answer.

Well, besides telling us that NFL fans were huge consumers of IBM's PS/1 and aluminum (?), and serving as a subliminal "don't criticize the referees, they do a better job than you could!" message, the bits were fun enough.

So when I saw this blurb on the cover of World's Finest #202 (1971)...

...well, I figured, it's time to revive the "You Make The Call' concept. Because not only is the blurb a tacit admission that DC covers of the era were known for their lack of truthiness. It's a direct challenge to our fanboy whining!!

So observe the cover below (click to embiggen), and prepare...to make the call!!

1) If you read my post last Friday (and there's still time to vote for it!), you know that's not really Superman strangling Batman, that's out-of-control Superman robot.

So, fans, does that count as a "cop-out"? YOU MAKE THE CALL!!

2) Malis, the insane alien robot mummy with a red-sun-energy nuclear reactor for a head (see, I told you I wasn't making it up!) is "commanding" our heroes to fight to the death.

Except, in the actual story, a) he doesn't command anybody, not even the Superman robot, and b) he doesn't even turn up until the Superman robot has beaten everybody. Plus, on this cover, Malis certainly has a better grasp of the English language than he does on the inside, where all he says is "DOOM" and "DOOM TO ALL FLESH."

So, fans, does this count as a "symbolic picture," or a "cop-out," or is it fair artistic licence? YOU MAKE THE CALL!!

3) The cover art is by Neal Adams and Dick Giordano, whilst the interior is art is actually by Dick Dillin and Joe Giella. Cop-out? YOU MAKE THE CALL!!!

I Want This Action Figure

Because I keep my promises...

...BATMAN IN A DUNE BUGGY!!

From World's Finest #202 (1971)

Friday Night Fights--Skynet Style!!

Sometimes, you have to yield to the inevitability that mankind will be destroyed by machine intelligences. And I, for one, welcome our new robot overlords!!

Which brings us to this week's Friday Night Fight. Apparently having apparently gone nuts, Superman has been kidnapping people in some unnamed chunk of Middle Eastern desert, and forcing them to dig up an ancient tomb.

Naturally, this leads Batman to investigate:

And the big reveal?

Yes, it's a Superman robot, who was struck by lightning and gained sentience...and a thirst to put down Kal-El!!

So it's on...and Superman obviously has the upper hand, right?

But just then, Superman is hit a mysterious blast of red sun energy (don't ask):

OK, OK, since you asked, it came from an insane space mummy with a miniature red sun for a head. No, I'm not making that up. And that substantially evens the odds:

Can Batman help??

Nope.

And so Superman Robot 15 defeated all heroes on Earth, and hooked them up to an energy Matrix, while creating more self-aware machines out of liquid metal, and removing the mouths of all humans so they cannot scream, and...

What? Superman and Batman recovered and defeated the robot? We weren't all subjugated by the machines?

Never mind. Boy, I bet Spacebooger's disappointed...

The near robot apocalypse was brought to you by Denny O'Neill, Dick Dillin and Joe Giella in World's Finest #202 (1971).

Now, there's a lot more more to discuss in this comic. So if you're really nice and vote for me, maybe I'll show you, amongst other things, Batman in a dune buggy. So go vote!

If Only Aquaman Had Been Raised In THIS Lighthouse!!

I know this is just a symbolic splash page...

...but goddamn, that is the coolest lighthouse ever!! (click to embiggen to full radness)

From Strange Terrors #1 (1952)

Something About Mary?

From The Untouchables #3 (a.k.a. Dell #01879-27), a guide to women in Prohibition-Era crime:

Wait...1/2 the women in England were named Mary?!? Really? Man, that would make for some madcap mistaken identity comedies!!

But there were many types of "molls." There's the "help-meet" moll:

There's the "it's all her fault because the dame drove him to crime" moll:

Yes, a dame's "never-ending desire for material things" was a justifiable excuse for a life of mayhem and murder!! No jury would convict a gangster held in such a thrall!!

And finally:

So, gangster moll--there are many viable career paths here for you, ladies!!

BONUS: excitement, Elliot Ness style!!

Fox Mulder, CPA!!

From Untouchables #2 (a.k.a. Dell #1286) (1962), the qualifications required to become an actual FBI agent:

Yup, no wusses needed here!

Pre-Super-Soldier serum Steve Rogers--you need not apply!!

Mole Man--out!!

Again, Steve Rogers--right out!!

And finally:

Really? I'm sure Dell looked this up or asked Robert Stack or something...but really? You have to be a lawyer or an accountant (at least in 1962)?!? I guess the accountant thing is a holdover from busting Capone for tax evasion...but Hoover only hired court jockeys or number crunchers?

Make your own X-Files and Fringe jokes below...

BONUS: Elliot Ness showing a law degree and/or commercial experience in accounting in action!