Manic Monday--Back To School With Superboy!

Since many of us are starting school again today (weather permitting), I thought we should take a look at what Superboy has to say about hitting the books again:

Oh, no, it's super-dickery.

And how badly can Kal-El disrupt the school day?

Now, not only was Superboy under the influence of red kryptonite here, this was an imaginary story where he was under the influence of red kryptonite. So that's double cheating, frankly.

Don't worry, when the red K wore off, Superboy felt so bad that he exiled himself to another planet. Really.

So the moral of our story? Hell if I know...Enjoy school!

From Superboy #134 (1966).

The Best Buddy Team Since Lethal Weapon?

Look, right now Valiant seems to have the market cornered on all the "buddy act" comics...Quantum And Woody, Archer & Armstrong...not a lot of other good ones out there right now, especially after Robin bit the dust.

But there is one team that Marvel has been sitting on--for decades--that might be the mightiest comic book duo of all time:

That's right--it's long past time we had a continuing Thor & Man-Thing comic!

"One is an Asgardian thunder god!
The other is a muck encrusted mockery of a man!
Together--they fight crime!!"

(Yes, I know that "muck encrusted" is Swamp Thing's bit. Too bad. Deal with it!)

See what a great team they make? The book practically writes itself!!

Think of the story possibilities!!
*A Volstagg/Man-Thing meeting!
*Because he's not truly human, Man-Thing is able to pick up Mjolnir...and becomes transformed into Thor-Thing!
*Don Blake continues Teds Sallis' research into the super-soldier serum!
*Howard The Duck guest appearances!
*Loki burns at the Man-Thing's touch!!

Sadly, though, it was not to be...

Still, there's no reason that Marvel Now Again couldn't revive the idea...(BTW, see that first panel...I'm betting "much encrusted" is just a lettering "typo," and it was supposed to be "muck encrusted." Just sayin '...)

Or, even better, what about a Man-Thing/Black Bolt team-up book, which would consist entirely of second-person narration captions, and no word balloons??

This is why I'm not allowed to write comic books...

From Thor #317 ( 1982)

We've Blown Up 99 Planets, But Earth Isn't One Of Them!!

You guys can keep your Darkseids and your Monguls.

Superman's greatest villains? These guys:

Who the?

You see, some folks become better people when their homeworld is destroyed. These guys? They became super-dicks on a universal scale:

Really? You got a raw deal, so you're going to kill hundreds of billions? WTF, super-dicks?!?

I mean, it's good that you found a hobby and all, but...

So they succeeded in offing 99 worlds, which puts them far ahead of petty death-dealers like Mongul and Darkseid. And you never even heard of them!!

Superman manages to escape before they flip the switch, and, in what even Kal-El admits is "super-super-luck,"...

D'oh!!

I sure hope Death of the Endless is waiting for the super-dicks to arrive, to explain how blowing up 99 planets isn't exactly what she wanted from worship. Marvel's Death, however, would continually taunt Thanos with this: "How many planets have you blown up for me, stone-face?!?"

[Fact: if this story were published in the nu52, it would be revealed that the first world these guys destroyed was Krypton...]

From Action Comics #326 (1965), as reprinted in DC Special #21 (1976)

Friday Night Fights--One Hand Tied Behind His Back Style!!

Look, everyone knows that Conan can kick your ass.

But can he do it with only one arm? Tonight's Friday Night Fights answers that question.

King Conan has had his sword stolen from him, so he's going undercover to infiltrate the gang of thieves responsible.

Let's watch:

Well, that was easy. Almost too easy...

What?!?

Boo. Yah.

Spacebooger wonders why, if Conan is king, ne can't find a decent pair of pants...

We can only imagine the damage Conan could do with all his limbs thanks to Doug Moench, Alan Kupperberg and Ernie Chan in King Conan #11 (1982)

Now is the time for you to go and vote for my fight. Why? Because I haven't won yet this year, that's why!! So go and vote!!

The Most Annoying Character In War Comics History

Weird War Tales #91 (1980) tells us of the guy you most want killed first in the Norman invasion of England:

Wait a minute...we need a closer look:

Taillefer is an actual historical figure, although the term "jester" probably isn't quite right the right translation of his title.

But he did juggle his sword, which no doubt didn't make the people standing near him any too comfortable.

As to the singing?

Bob Haney is vamping a bit here...instead of this doggerel, Taillefer recited (sang?) the epic French heroic poem The Song Of Roland.

Whatever he sang, the guy seems sufficiently annoying that I'm sure even some on his own side were hoping he'd be the first to go...and he was!

Dude, that doesn't even rhyme!! Booo!! Terrible death song!!

[By the way, this was a "weird" war tale only in that a) Haley's Comet was an omen, and b) Harold supposedly broke an oath sworn over the bones of a saint, which caused him to be cursed. Those are just barely asides, though, as the tale is just and excuse for Haney and Tom Sutton to go all 1066 on us...]

The Comic That DC MUST Publish Next

The single biggest miscalculation in DC history?

In a letter published in Weird War Tales #91 (1980), Barbara Long of Blue Springs, Mississippi writes in about how a character who had appeared in a prior issue bore a resemblance to another DC character...

Now, I don't have the issue in question, and I can't find a picture anywhere, but let's just go with the notion that the creature in "Freed From The Depths" looked like Jimmy Olsen as Turtle Man.

But in his reply, Paul Levitz blows it big time:

What?!? "You won't be seeing [Jimmy Olsen] in this comic"?!??! Oh, Mr. Levitz, what a tragic error!

I'm telling you, if I were in charge of DC tomorrow, the next nu52 title would be Jimmy Olsen: Weird War Correspondent. (OK, you can call it Weird War Tales Starring Jimmy Olsen, or some such trademark extension scheme).

Think of it--Death (the host of this war horror anthology) somehow tricks Olsen into taking his place, and Jimmy keeps bouncing from era to era, having to cover weird war stories, as he hopes in vain that the next time-jump will take him to a time and place where Superman can hear the signal watch...

Admit it--you would buy the living hell out of that comic, wouldn't you? Especially if Jimmy encountered the Creature Commandos or G.I. Robot, or if he ended up in this story:

Are you listening, DC? Jimmy Olsen's Weird War Tales--make it happen!! (Especially as you're not doing anything particularly interesting with Olsen right now, anyway...)

BONUS: Of course, maybe the "turtle creature" was this guy. That could make this spring's movie very interesting....

Happy...Uh, Maybe Not So Happy...New Year!

Let's celebrate a Happy New Year with Happy Comics!

Gee, Pop doesn't seem very happy at all...

Well, the fox may be happy...

Definitely not happy!!

Not only not happy, but positively distressed!!

OK, that's not just not happy, but his life is probably in danger!!

One more try...

Guaranteed not to be happy!!

I guess this happiness business is trickier than I thought. I'd best do some more research...

Anyway, Happy New Year, everyone!!