Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Tales From The Quarter Bin--G.I. RAMBOT!!

You know, I probably spend too much time picking on 1990s comics books, while not giving enough attention to 1980s.

So, with that in mind...what happens when G.I. Joe, Rambo, and Transformers all squished together?

The answer goes a little something like this:

Some unspecified time in the future, you see, even though we're still enemies with Russia, all of our wars will be fought by remote control robots and war machines:

That doesn't suit Randolph "RAM" Stewart, America's last "real" soldier, who pines for the days when war was "the ultimate intimacy," when he would "never take a single life without that man first seeing into his eyes..." Yeah, uh, real nice there, Ram.

Anyway, in this future, Ram is relegated to menial tasks while nerdy Poindexters fight the wars via long-distance:


Well, these bloodless, impersonal wars really irk Ram, so when it becomes clear that America might be losing the war, he steels a mothballed super-weapon, and takes off for the battlefield:

Yup, he's gonna go A Taste Of Armageddon on their asses!!




And how is one mere man kicking the living crap out of all those awesome war machines?

Ah, he's "too small for their sensors to see." So, not particularly well-designed war machines.

Anyhow, once the press gets wind of this, well, Ram is a hero!!

Yes, Ram has completely changed the face of war!!

Oh, not back to mere men carrying guns and all. Nope, because re-using the strategy that actually worked would be crazy. Nope, the Army, and Wexley Industries (who manufacture "70% of all military contracts") have decided to "utilize the human factor again" by creating...


And G.I. RAMBOT is no mere mini-mecha. No, he also transforms...


Still, G.I. RAMBOT is not quite ready for prime time...

Two years? Yeah, as if a real man like Ram is going to wait two years!!

In the least unpredictable twist ever, he steals G.I. RAMBOT to take the fight to the Russkies immediately. But it turns out that Wexley has been arming both sides, and they have their own G.I. RAMBOT...to be continued?

Sadly, no, as G.I. RAMBOT #1 (1987) was the only issue. Wonder Color Comics, along with its cohort Pied Piper Press, came and went like the wind. The late 1980s were a boom and bust time, with tiny publishers popping up like weeds, and then dying at the first frost...

Still, someone must own the rights to G.I. RAMBOT, so we can still hope for a rebirth...? Naahhh....

1 comment:

natewinchester said...

HOW IS THIS NOT A MICHEAL BAY MOVIE?

Actually how this didn't becomes an 80's toyline is beyond me...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/M.A.S.K.

Oh uh never mind.