When You Combine Civil War 2 & Planet Of The Apes, We All Win!!

This post that you're about to read...well, it just may change you're mind about Superman, and re-think everything you know about movie blockbusters, and...well, you'll see.

Some members of the Time Patrol have arrived in the present day, asserting that Superman will become evil in the near future, and go on to destroy the 40th century!

So they go all Minority Report/Civil War II, and convince Batman and Robin to capture Superman, and put him on trial for pre-crimes before the United Nations!!

And what a testimony it is!!

Uh-oh!

Yup, that's evil, all right!

But the worst is yet to come!

Wait--what was it? What happened?!?!

And Batman, how could you betray your buddy?!?!

YYECCHHH!!!

And what was so terrible?!?!

Yes, future evil-Superman will create the Planet Of The Apes!!!!!!!

That may be the best sentence that I have ever written.

Well, the court allows Superman to fly to the future to check it out for himself:

Which means, conclusively and 100% canonically:

Superman: "I will turn the Earth into a world of apes!"

OMG, this is the best story ever!!

Well, that's it, folks, we now know the sad future of Superman, and...

What? This is a Silver Age story? There's a big twist coming? Oh I doubt--

Never mind.

See, it was all a plot by Brainiac and Luthor to trick Batman into giving Superman a kryptonite lobotomy, except they would secretly substitute Luthor's Maligno-Ray for the laser, so Kal-El would really turn evil and join the two for a reign of terror through time and space.

Yes, that was their plan.

[Please, please PLEASE don't ask how Superman and Batman sussed out the villains' disguise. Please. Just don't.]

But, if it was all a hoax, what did Superman and Batman actually see on their trip to the 40th century?!?

Wait....

You're burying the lead here, guys--in the 2000 years from now, they'll still be churning out Planet Of The Apes movies!! I imagine two blocks over, they're making Transformers CCCIX!

Which leads us to the the most fantastical thing of all:

People in the DC Universe actually liking and respecting super-heroes?!?!?!? What a bunch of naive fools...

From World's Finest Comics #183 (1969)

Tales From The Quarter Bin--Hey, Archie, Revive This!!

As Archie Comics struggles (again) to find any success with the Red Circle (a.k.a. Black Circle) super-hero comics, it's probably a good time to recall that they have this guy is their stable:

Super Duck started as one of those not-uncommon funny animals parodies of Superman et. al. Just an anthropomorphic fowl who took some special vitamins and became super. Familiar, huh?

However, whether it was the end of the war, or fear of lawsuits, Super Duck quickly became just another funny animal book, the super powers and/or parody all but forgotten:

He was still named Super Duck--I don't think he ever got another name besides "Supe"--but he wasn't any kind of hero anymore. He wore lederhosen and hard Donald-like stories.

When I say Donald-like, it's a case of one of the sincerest forms of flattery available. Supe got a nephew who lived with him (Fauntleroy), a never-happy girlfriend (Uwanna--yes, that was her name!!), and a world seemingly designed to abuse him whenever possible.

Here's a typical story from Super Duck #20 (1948):

Yes, Uwanna is very disturbing, both in design and in character.

Anyway, the non-super adventures of Super Duck lasted for 17 years, until late 1960. His stories were fairly regularly reprinted in various Archie publications for years, and he's actually appeared as a fictional comic character within some Archie stories, as well as occasionally actually interacting with the Riverdale gang via magic.

Well, as Archie continues to fail to find any kind of traction with their repeated attempts to restore their super-hero line, well, they could do worse than give new life...to Super Duck!!

Maybe Mark Waid is interested...

How To Break Into The Comics Biz!!

During her Chicago days, one of the other residents in Linda Danvers' apartment building had the bad fortune to to be a young actor with a side job as a courier for a corrupt businessman:

John Ostrander?!?!?!

Yup, it's THAT John Ostrander!

See, writer Paul Kupperberg was friends with Ostrander, who at the time was a young Chicago actor whose was just beginning to break into comics with a couple of gigs for First.

So Kupperberg decided to give his buddy a role in the comic he was writing. Of course, one of the perks of putting a friend into your comic book is that you can rag on him a little bit:

SNAP!!!

Plus, that irresponsibility gets him kidnapped and beat-up by super-villains:

Of course, Ostrander would escape the clutches of The Gang, and go on to co-create Amanda Waller, write the post-Crisis Suicide Squad, and all sorts of other stuff,

Thus, in answer to the question "how do I break in to comics?," the answer is a) know someone in the biz who will actually put you into comics books, and b) live in the same building as Supergirl!

From The Daring New Adventures Of Supergirl #4-5 (1983)

First Draft of The Latverian Inauguration Address?!?

Doom is having some mood swings today...

More to follow on January 20th...?

From Marvel Super-Heroes #20 (1969), as reprinted in Giant-Size Super-Villain Team-Up #1 (1975)

Manic Monday Triple Overtime--Merlin Was A Terrible Magician!!

I know we all have this image of Merlin as a Gandalf-like figure, doing major sorceries while manipulating the future of England.

But the truth of the matter is, Merlin was more like this:

Card tricks?!?

Pulling rabbits from hats?!?!

But there was a greater magician at Camelot:

Herbie!!

Herbie, you see, had traveled back in time to get dragon tears, a necessary ingredient in Leonardo da Vinci's secret super-rocket fuel, so the U.S. could beat the Russians to the moon. Typical Tuesday for Herbie...

Merlin doesn't take the presence of a superior magician lightly:

Man, Merlin, whatta dick!

From Herbie #1 (1964)

Manic Monday Bonus--Doom Is Down With Alternative Energy!!

It looks as if someone is more environmentally conscious than we would have thought!

Thanks for the tax credits, Obama!!

From Giant-Size Super-Villain Team-Up #2 (1975)

Manic Monday--The Real Reason We Stopped Going To The Moon!

Because after this happens a few times...

...recruiting new astronauts gets pretty difficult!

Cover from Unknown Worlds of Science Fiction #5 (1975), by "Puigdomenech."

Herbie Popnecker Invented The Apple Watch!!

Herbie's dad really doesn't think much of him...

Ahh, but as per usual, Dad is ignorant of Herbie's secret life.

For example:

Herbie was getting text messages on his watch 50 years before anyone had "smart"watches!!

A quick trip to Washington D.C....

Well, it makes more sense than the way certain other presidents are picking their ambassadors...

Oh, and Herbie has a way with the ladies!

This has been your reminder that the United States Of America had a First Lady named Lady Bird. (OK, it was just a nickname...)

From Herbie #1 (1964)