All right, it's the last round of the current bout of Friday Night Fights, so it's time to break out the big guns:
That's right, we're going GAARD!! on your asses!!
GAARD!! is probably the lamest villain ever. I mean, just look at the dufus, dressed up like a hockey goalie because...well, because somebody thought it was cool, I guess.
The situation? In an incredibly convoluted plan, Arkon is trying to engineer a massive thermonuclear war between Earth-616, Earth-A, and the "Fifth Dimension," because the energies from such a conflagration will pour through the "Eternal Nexus" and power Arkon's homeworld forever!! (Later stories that present Arkon as noble but headstrong leader neglect to mention this potential triple genocide. Go figure)
The only hope our heroes have is to shut down the nexus, permanently shutting down Arkon's scheme. But it's guarded by GAARD!!, and Arkon has fixed it so only one other person at a time may enter this pocket of hyperspace.
So Reed has equipped Benjy with a set of "skate-like devices" that allow him to skim along "the free-flowing protons and tachyons of hyperspace." ( I told you it was a lame story...) All so he can get a disc-shaped magic-sciencey dingus past GAARD!!, into the Nexus, and implode it.
Only problem? GAARD!!
(See, it's not a hockey stick...it's a Cosmic Sceptre!!)
Well, that's not going well. Fortunately, Reed has arranged a cheat...let's watch!
So Ben wins!! Yet, the tale is not done without some added pathos...
Yes, GAARD!! was the Johnny Storm of Earth-A. I supposed it's better than his being killed in Vietnam, which is what everyone thought happened to him.
No, being GAARD!! is worse. Unquestionably.
Spacebooger wants to remind you all that GAARD!! should always be spelled in all caps with TWO exclamation points, for such is the awesomeness of GAARD!! that mere normal typography cannot hope to portray his sheer GAARD!!ness.
The most regrettable character ever conceived comes from the minds of Roy Thomas, Rich Buckler and Joe Sinnott in Fantastic Four #163 (1975). Matt Fraction, please bring back GAARD!!
Now is the time for you to go and vote for my fight. Why? Do not question GAARD!! Submit!! Now go and vote!!