Wednesday, June 6, 2018

Dial E For Eternity--High Finance And Heel-Biting!!

This is a weird story.

We start, not with the usual Kid and Keeper lollygagging about, but with the oddest version of Strangers On A Train that you'll ever see:

So, in the 1940s, people begging for dimes would gladly become hit-men at the drop of a hat. Also, it was ridiculously easy to hire someone to kill you if you were too squeamish for suicide.

It's at this point that our heroes become involved, because BOOKKEEPING!!

Oh, boy, do I have questions.

We haven't discussed the theology of Eternity for awhile, but how the heck does this work?? We know that everyone is destined to die at a certain time. Sure, Kid was taken 75 years early, but that was because of mistaken divine interference.

So, if it is predestined, how can Dan Doldrum die 40 years early? Is "the book" only a suggestion? Does everyone who has a little brush with peril get this kind of excited attention? Can anyone die "early"? Is there lots (and lots) of heavenly intervention to keep the "records" accurate?

Or is it all predestined, and Doldrum would have survived anyway had Kid not taken an interest?

Food for thought, as Kid gets there a bit late:

But that's OK, because...

Leander!! Congratulations, guy, this is your third summons! Who would have thought!!

So why does Doldrum want to shuffle off this mortal coil?


Whatta whiner!!

Not to worry, though, as Kid call upon...


And, she's into this post-death Tinder kind of thing!!

Kid Eternity--immortal panderer!!

But Dan is still not satisfied!!

Fine, whatever!

John Jacob Astor!!

Now, from his clothing, I'm assuming that this is the first John Jacob Astor (1763-1848), America's earliest multi-millionaire, and not one of his descendants, like his great-grandson John Jacob Astor IV, who was also mega-wealthy, and died on the Titanic.

Now, I'm not sure how much I trust a guy whose been dead for a hundred years to give me modern investing advice, but hey, all's well that ends well!!

Well, that's our story kids! Once again, we---

What?!? That was only 4 pages?!? 11 more to go?? WTF?!?!

Obviously, my concern about Astor's advice was wrong because Wall Street has a new darling:

Cleopatra, being the jealous type, makes sure his secretary isn't too attractive!

Uh, Dan, "pyramiding" isn't a good term to use in describing your finances...

Not everyone is pleased with Doldrum's successes:

Fortunately, they know the most aptly named assassin ever!

Mr. Grenade?!?

He acts quickly...

But Doldrum is out, and only Molly is the office...

...which sends all of Eternity into another tizzy!!

Again?!?! WTF??

And also again, Kid is late...

Fortunately, there's another obscure solution:

Tom Hickathrift, character from English folklore!!

Well, Grenade tries again...and it turns out that he's the crappiest damned hit-man ever:

Thalfi!! Servant of Thor who was barely mentioned in the Eddas!! But he did get in a foot-race with Thought itself, so...

I said he was almost as fast as Thought!! C'mon!!

But Grenade does lead everyone back to his bosses, because as we covered earlier, WORST HIT-MAN EVER.

Gee, I wonder why they mentioned that "sound-proofed" detail.

It turns out our villains had a devious master plan!

Oh. They were going to sell short. Which...isn't particularly illegal. At all.

Ah well...

Now wait. Just a few week ago we had a story wherein Kid couldn't summon anyone from within a sound-proofed room!! What gives??!!

Maybe it's just a shitty job of sound-proofing. Or maybe The Powers That Be fixed that little flaw in Kid's powers. Whatever, let's give a warm welcome to:

Achilles!! Congratulations, big guy, this is your 4th summons, putting you into a tie for the lead along with Mercury!!

Unfortunately, while Achilles makes short work of most of the punks...

...this is the second time in a row the bad guys have taken advantage of Achilles' well-known weakness. So allow me to repeat:


Also...he bit his heel?!?! Biting?!?! Ewwww....

But one man can stop them from escaping!

Tom Mix!! (And yes, he was dead by this time)

And so all's well that--

WHAT?!?! We still have 3 more pages?!?! Dammit!!

What plot complications are left?!?

Well, that will do it, I guess!

But at least he still has Cleopatra, right?!?

Nope, she's gotta get back to the big beyond. And to convince her:

Marc Antony!! This is his second appearance!!

Goodbye, glamorous love!!


Yes, the guy who agreed to kill him returned the money. The honorable hit-man!!

The moral:

Moderation in all things!! Financial success--but not too much! A pretty girl friend--but not too pretty!!

And the most important thing of all?


This was the 35th Kid Eternity story, so our standings are:

Achilles 4
Mercury 4
Atlas 3
Corbett, Jim 3
Leander 3
Antony, Marc 2
Arthur, King 2
Bunyan, Paul 2
Cody, “Buffalo” Bill 2
D'artagnan 2
Ericson, Leif 2
Hercules 2
Holmes, Sherlock 2
Houdini 2
Milo Of Croton 2
Porthos 2
Robin Hood 2
Samson 2
Sullivan, John L. 2
Washington, George 2
Abu 1
Aramis 1
Arnold, Benedict 1
Astor, John Jacob 1
Athos 1
Attila The Hun 1
Attucks, Crispin 1
Baker, Lafayette 1
Barry's father 1
Barton, Clara 1
Bernhardt, Sarah 1
Bertillon, Alphonse 1
Blackhawk 1
Bluebeard 1
Bolivar, Simon 1
Boone, Daniel 1
Breitbart, Zishe 1
Bucephalus 1
Byron, George Gordon 1
Caesar, Octavian 1
Cagliostro, Alessandro 1
Canary, Martha “Calamity” 1
Cannon, John W. 1
Carden, Foster 1
Cherry Sisters 1
Clancy, Patrick 1
Cleopatra 1
Colt, Samuel 1
Columbus 1
Cronson, Gerald 1
Crusoe, Robinson 1
Custer, George Armstrong 1
de Leon, Ponce 1
Decatur, Stephen 1
Discus Thrower 1
Dockstader, Lew 1
Dracula 1
Drake, Sir Francis 1
Dupin, C. Auguste 1
Edison, Thomas 1
Emery 1
Frankenstein's Monster 1
Galahad 1
Gotch, Frank 1
Gothicus, Claudius 1
Grant, Ulysses S. 1
Greb, Harry 1
Griffiths, Albert 1
Hatfield, John 1
Hauser, Kaspar 1
Henry, Patrick 1
Hickathrift, Tom 1
Hickok, Wild Bill 1
Hippocrates 1
Hopkins, Matthew 1
Hyde, Edward 1
Hyer, Tom 1
Jackson, Andrew 1
Javert 1
Jeffries, Jim 1
Jones, John Paul 1
Jove 1
Khan, Genghis 1
Kidd, William 1
Lafayette, General 1
Lancelot 1
Laughing Cavalier 1
Lee, Robert E. 1
Leonidas 1
Lincoln, Abraham 1
Lister, Joseph 1
Marable, Fate 1
Masterson, Bat 1
Mix, Tom 1
Mulgrew, Jason 1
Murphy, Charles 1
Napoleon 1
Nation, Carrie 1
Nightingale, Florence 1
Noah 1
Nobody 1
Nostradamus 1
O'Brien, David 1
Og 1
Osceola 1
Paddock, Charley 1
Penelope 1
Pheidippides 1
Pinkerton, Allan 1
Plastic Man 1
Prometheus 1
Quixote, Don 1
Revere, Paul 1
Richard the LionHeart 1
Rin-Tin-Tin 1
Robespierre, Maximilien 1
Russell, Lillian 1
Rustum 1
Ryan, Paddy 1
Sandow, Eugen 1
Schleyer, Johann 1
Siegfried 1
Silver, Long John 1
Skunk, Jimmy 1
Socrates 1
Solomon 1
Tell, William 1
Thalfi 1
Thor 1
Thurston, Howard 1
Tiglath IV 1
Tut-ankh-amen 1
Twain, Mark 1
Ulysses 1
Uncas 1
Vercingetorix 1
Villa, Pancho 1
Vulcan 1
Webster, Daniel 1
Xanthippe 1
Zbyzko, Stanislaus 1

NEXT--Lin-Manuel Miranda wishes his version of Hamilton were this good!!

From Kid Eternity #5 (1947)


Smurfswacker said...

Kid Eternity also secretly summoned BURNE HOGARTH (not dead then), who provided all those nifty swipes of semi-naked guys in action.

George Chambers said...

BAMBO! Best sound effect lettering job ever.