Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Bold Fashion Choices--What If The X-Men Had Even Crappier Uniforms?

Some What If's have the most terrifying consequences. For example...

Well, yes, bad things do happen. The Fantastic Four, Hulk and Daredevil are depowered, Thor never returns from Asgard, Iron Man goes alcoholic way earlier and dies, blah blah blah.

But the real tragic consequences of this tiny change in the timeline is that the X-Men end up in the worst damned costumes you've ever seen.

I know--given that the X-Men started with the worst costumes ever designed by Jack Kirby, and given that they've spent the subsequent decades going through bad costume set after bad costume set, you're probably saying, "Gee, snell, How bad could they possibly be?

Pretty bad.

In this reality, Xavier spent years digging himself up from the bowels of the Earth, so Magneto gathered most of the mutants together for self-protection. And either because of Magneto's terrible costume sense, or the lack of Xavier's design aesthetic, get stuff like Angel and Beast dressed thusly:

Or Colossus dressing like it's RenFair day...

And yes, that's a little soul patch he's wearing there:

The Scarlet Witch stays precisely the same, in her original bathing suit/evening gown hybrid and Quicksilver mostly does, except for these 1950s sci-fi style shoulder fins:

Jean Grey? Hey, it's still RenFair season!


Ah, but Cyclops...let's start from the rear, shall we?

The front is not any better (the color register was off on this page...the costume is the same blue as above)...

Nothing says Scott Summers like "lightning bolt pointing to my crotch!"

And then there's the helmet...

That helmet...

Now, the art in this issue was by Vince Mielcarek. So maybe he designed these costumes. Or perhaps author Kurt Busiek gets the blame.

Then again...

...the cover is by Jim Lee, and we all know what happens when we put him in charge of redesigning costumes for alternate universes...

What If? #13 is from 1990, as if we couldn't tell.

4 comments:

SallyP said...

Gah!

Mista Whiskas said...

How can Colossus grow a soul patch through his metal skin?

snell said...

I would expect that he grew it in human form, & it still shows (after a fashion) when he armors up, just like his normal hair on his head. But, we never see him in human form in this story, so I guess you'd better ask Uatu...

David said...

Vince Mielcarek's brother here. Jim Lee gets the blame. Vince bitched that he had to draw these crappy costumes.