Sunday, February 7, 2010

Be Grateful Because We're Bringing Back Coke Classic, You Morons

[Warning: the premise of this post is based on a strained analogy, and probably errors in fact, and devolves into yet another tumultuous rant. Read at your own risk.]

If you're like me, half of your local comic booke shoppe's shipment accidentally ended up on the other side of the state this week. So, because you had to have something to read, you picked up Siege: Embedded #2.

And if you did, you were treated to this:


Volstagg, armed with a sword, riding a goblin glider and fighting agents of H.A.M.M.E.R. Really.

And I'm thinking, the whole Siege story could have been ridiculously sweet like that. Instead, they gave us this.

It could have been a tale of Asgardians interacting with the wild and woolly Marvel Universe; they could have given us sly disquisitions contrasting the roles of gods and heroes (because, dammit, I can picture Spider-Man and Fandral the Dashing having a discussion about why they're heroes and great power and great responsibility and stuff); a view of how citizens of the Marvel Universe deal with having small g gods amongst them. Seriously, there were a fair number of cool ideas that could have come out of this.

Instead, Brian Michael Bendis et. al. have decided to pretty much ignore that huge potential. The Siege series reduces Asgard and their gods to a mere cameo. Instead, he chose to make this about his pet characters and gratuitous carnage and killing 10,000 civilians just because; and instead of the Marvel Universe vs. the Norse Gods, the story became the worst hero ever created kills a Greek god. Greek!! I thought this was about Asgard...

And now, of course, the series will become pre-ordained exercise in "putting the team back together," as as the Avengers are re-united into one big, happy family...even though none of the conflicts that tore them apart are actually resolved.

And Marvel continues to put out press releases trumpeting the dawning of "The Heroic Age," wherein "a new spirit of hope, courage, and the selflessness at the heart of heroism will rise up." (Here's an example, courtesy of one of these forthcoming reborn Avengers, of how a "heroic" character deals with a minor threat)

You know what the funny thing is? I thought we had already had a "heroic age," where heroes were hopeful and selfless. Yeah, back before Avengers Disassembled, when one of the team's most veteran members went insane and killed several others, often in violent and graphic ways. Damn those bastards!! I'm glad we got rid of them and have a new crew bringing back the Heroic Age...

...wait a minute?!? It's the same guys who got rid of the heroism, and are now claiming credit for bringing it back?!? The exact same guys?!? And we're supposed to be thankful they're returning to a status quo that they deliberately frakked up??

You know what this reminds me of? New Coke [editor's note: at last, a point emerges] [snell's note: shut up]. The brain trust at Coca Cola took away the old formula, gave the world New Coke, and was shocked--shocked, I tell you!!--by consumer and bottler backlash. After a mere 77 days, Coca Cola announced that they were bringing back original Coke...and acted like they were doing us a favor by giving us back what they themselves had taken away...even though it was the exact same clowns switching Coke back. And no one at Coca Cola was ever demoted or fired for the debacle.

Just change the names around...Coca Cola Inc=Marvel, the past few years at Marvel=New Coke, the Heroic Age=Coke Classic. Except, of course, in the world of comic books our long national nightmare lasted 7 years, not 77 days.

And the same guys who took away the original heroic age and replaced it with dismemberment, death, disembowelment, dissolution and decay are now "giving" the concept of heroism back to us...and expecting us to thank them.

You know what? It will probably work. The moral of the New Coke story, according to then Coke marketing VP Sergio Zyman: "Yes, it infuriated the public, cost a ton of money and lasted only 77 days before we reintroduced Coca-Cola Classic. Still, New Coke was a success because it revitalized the brand and reattached the public to Coke." Again, replace the names, you've got the same story...

Who knew Joe Quesada had studied the soft drink wars so closely?


4 comments:

Fanboy Wife said...

Now, how does Pepsi bringing back the recipe that uses sugar factor into all of this?

Anonymous said...

1) Fanboy Wife,
You'd have to ask the character I Scream (or something like that).

2) I don't put much stock in this, but at least they're moving in the direction that Alan Moore said comics need to go, to rebuild heroes now that they've gone on twenty years or more deconstructing the hero after _Watchmen_ had done it as well as it could be done. Maybe, just maybe, heroes can be heroes again.

Erich said...

It's even worse, because Coca-Cola Classic was exactly the same as it had been when they brought it back...the formula hadn't changed at all. Whereas in this case, it's more like "Oops, we lost the recipe...but even though we screwed up this new one, we can re-create the old recipe from scratch. Trust us on this."

snell said...

Actually, Erich, it wasn't exactly the same Coke...they switched from cane sugar to high-fructose corn syrup when the brought back Coke Classic. Heck, if you believe the conspiracy theories, the whole New Coke debacle was deliberate misdirection, just a way to cover up that change (and possibly other changes?). To this day I know people who will swear that Coke Classic isn't the same stuff as the pre-New Coke stuff...