What, No Terra-Man?!?

So, in Superman #682 (Triangle #6 of the Meet the New Krypton, Same As the Old Krypton saga), Supergirl, her parents, and a bunch of other Kandorians have made a decision in the wake of Doomsday's attack:

After our brush with Doomsday, we wanted to know we were safe from others who might attack us to get to you. Your foes are no longer something you have to deal with.

So they dash around gathering up Superman's foes, from prison, from Arkham, from just hanging around...and plop them into the Phantom Zone.

I have no real problem with the general concept. But you know what bothers me? Look at what we get:

From bottom left clockwise we've got Parasite, Silver Banshee, Bizarro, Toyman, and Prankster surrounding Mon-El.

This is what Superman's rogues' gallery has come to? Really?!? I mean, seriously, we barely even rise to the level of Spider-Man's deadly foes here. Prankster and Toyman?!?

(Note--since Luthor and Brainiac are both held by a secret military agency wanting to destroy Superman, they're no doubt shielded from the Kandorians' senses. Still, you'd think that given their experiences with Brainiac, they'd storm the Pentagon et al until they found him...why wasn't he goal #1??)

I've said it before, and I'll say it again--Superman has the lamest rogues' gallery out there.

Special note--after this panel, where a band of Kandorians breaks into Arkham to seize Toyman:

I'm going to be really cheesed off if Batman doesn't get involved in this rigmarole rather quickly with his secret stash Kryptonite...oh, wait, we're supposed to pretend that we believe Batman's dead, aren't we...)

Art Adams' Avengers Babies

Things I did not realize, example #370: Apparently, Ms. Marvel is only 10 or 12 years old.

Oh, wait, I guess not:

Baby-faced yet gravity-defying Carol Danvers brought you courtesy of Red Hulk #8 and Art Adams

Friday Night Fights--CHUGGA-RRUMPH Style!!

If we are to present bombastic battles bursting with scintillating sound effects, we need go no farther than Walt Simonson and his rapturously riotous run on The Mighty Thor.

Case in point: Loki, lord of lies and god of evil, has managed to tap a great power source and transform the God of Thunder in an Asgardian amphibian, to wit: A FROG. However, much to Loki's chagrin, Thor the frog has regained Mjolnir, and has been transformed into THE FROG OF THUNDER!!


Fear not, Marvel minions, this will be no quick battle, as Loki's malevolent magicks are quite capable of sound effects of their own:

To no avail, however, as the transformed Odinson show why no one--NO ONE--may trifle with the Thunder, even in frog form:



Meanwhile, the valorous Volstagg has been questing for the source of Loki's new found power. And, in what was surely a well-planned attack, the Lion of Asgard destroys the engine of evil with the most cacophonous avalanche in history--and it all starts with a "splic!"


How will this effect the Asgardian anura?

All back to normal!! "Shkrrasspp!" indeed!!

Yet all evidence of Loki's perfidious plot is now destroyed!! How shall the newly restored Thor deal with his sinister step-brother? Why, by giving him exactly what he wants, of course!!

And lo, thus ends another of Loki's sinister schemes--not with a bang, but with a KCUNK!!

Even Spacebooger must tremble at the fury of the Frog of Thunder (although he surely won't admit it!!)

True believer, the amazing action you've seen (and heard) here is courtesy of Thor #366 (1986)--written, drawn, inked, and probably personally delivered to newsstands by Walt Simonson, master of onomatopoeia!!

Rapturous Joy

From Dan DiDio's interview at Newsarama today:

The big question is where Geoff Johns and Gary Frank are going. They will be doing Superman: Secret Origin as a miniseries coming up later in the year...They’ll be doing the definitive origin of Superman as we’ve seen it all take place, and incorporating the changes that we’ve seen or suggested since Infinite Crisis.

Because the world hasn't had enough origin and early life of Superman stories yet...especially "secret" ones.

But if Johns ties in the various colors of kryptonite into his "emotional spectrum" theories, I might be on board.

On a conspiratorial note: interesting that DiDio calls out the changes "since Infinite Crisis." Hmmm, no mention of Final Crisis, eh? Should we infer that means there are no continuity changes coming as a result of FC?

We Interrupt This Broadcast

Can't post, busy cooking...

Bold Fashion Choices--Robin!!

From the center of Batman #259 (1974):

Uh-oh, this can't be good...

Oh boy, user-generated content that we can use free of charge to pad out our page count!! These 100 pages issues can be tough to fill...

Well, let the carnage begin...lets see what a "modern 'teen-age' image" looked like as portrayed by kids in 1975:

Remember kids--condoms can break!!

What if Robin became an Aquaman villain?!?

Entirely too happy...

Looks like a rejected Miracleman character.

Disturbing...

VERY disturbing...

I especially like Dick's porn star moustache in this one. Way to go, Carol!!

Still, I think we can agree, they're all better than this:

or this:

Manic Monday--Exclesior!!

For those who need the numbers, click for the readable version:

Stan's Soapbox, the complete collection of Stan Lee's columns from the Bullpen Bulletins pages through the years, is out...available from your local comic book shoppe or your finer online comics retailers.

I mean, you probably don't really need this, but it's published by Hero Initiative, which means the proceeds are going to a fine cause. And you must know someone that would enjoy this as a Christmas present...

I'm no salesman....we'll let The Man talk for himself.



So face forward, True Believers, shell out those shekels, and wallow in the mists of nostalgia.

Sunday Quiz Time

Actual quiz from the pages of Batman #262 (1975):

Ha ha, drive you Bats!! Get it?!?

You know,it's the 21st century...shouldn't the GCPD get, I don't know, Bat-texting, or Bat-IM's??

How many damn circuses were travelling through Gotham in those days??

I gotta say, I would plunk down money right now for a tale of Mr. Batzptlk!

Ace is the place with the helpful hero hound??

Of course, there's been another since then...but I was out of comics at that moment, so I have no idea of the title of her debut story...

Wow, DC really did assume that readers didn't know a damn thing about Batman, didn't they?

I make this pledge publicly--when I win the lottery, I'm going to build an exact replica of the 60s TV Wayne Manor, complete with Shakespeare bust that opens a bookcase and batpoles to the basement.

Well, I hope you passed the quiz. And there's no send off I can give you as appropraite as the one they used in the comic:

Comics I Wish I Had--Lois Lane #96

October, 1969:

Just look at that!! Look at the villain's get up!! Check out Lana's mini-skirt, and Lois' faux-1920s hideous mini-skirt get-up!! The gambit of making the potential reader guess what the "girls" are saying!! The above-the-logo teaser asking you to "Weep for Lois Lane's Baby!" Of course, there's no way the comic could live up to such a great cover...is there? (...unless it's secretly a ploy by Kal-El to set up a little menage a trois with the LL girls...)

Oh, what are the ladies saying, you ask? I'm thinking that it went a little something like this:

Too bad, Supes...it was nice knowing you.

Friday Night Fights--Groinatological Style!!

Well, if you guys know me, then you know there's no way we're getting through a whole bout of Friday Night Fights without a little bit of Master of Kung Fu action.

I'm sure we've all been in this situation--you're wandering through the Swiss Alps, when a crazed sumo wants to have a word or two with your hot secret agent girl friend:

Well, this is gonna go down just like a Street Fighter match between Ryu and E. Honda, right?


Uhhh....not so much.

Time to make a stand, and go to plan B. The stand:

And what's plan B?

OUCH right in the baby-maker!!

Oh, Shang-Chi, that was so cruel. And how do you finish off the chump? With a CHUMPT!!

Remember--just because you're named "The Rising and Advancing of a Spirit" doesn't mean that you can't smash an evil sumo in the gonads. You are still Fu Manchu's son, after all...

But don't try that move on Spacebooger--because his are made of iron!!

Painful-just-to-read scrotum attack from Master of Kung Fu #46 (1976) from Moench, Gulacy, and Pablo Marcos.

Things That Make Me Smile--Taureau!!

It was a pretty crappy day at work...So what do I turn to for a smile? That's right...

Taureau the Minotaur!! He wears a beret!! He has a mime as a sidekick!! In the catacombs beneath Paris!! He asks people riddles!!

Ah, my day is better now!!

Taureau and company from the still surprisingly-good Doctor Who: The Forgotten #3. Thank you, Tony Lee and Stefano Martino, for making us love again!!

Born in Arizona?!?

From DC's February solicits:

BATMAN CONFIDENTIAL #26 Written by Christina Weir & Nunzio DeFilippis Art and cover by Jose Luis Garcia-Lopez & Kevin Nowlan From the late ’60s Batman TV show comes King Tut making his first comic-book appearance in Gotham City ever in part 1 of a 3-part arc! A trail of murders involving museum executives and the mysterious riddles left behind lead Batman to suspect an old foe is back at work. But the Riddler is safely locked up – and not too happy that someone has stolen his M.O.! On sale February 11 • 32 pg, FC, $2.99 US

Do you know how happy this makes me? I'm thinking it'll go a little something like this:

It's Like Christmas In February!!

Ha ha ha, because it is!! Check out the new Marvel solicits for February, wherein after being absent for more than two months, an actual issue of Fantastic Four is being solicited. And look, it's a Christmas story--being published in February--maybe!! Ha ha ha!!

FANTASTIC FOUR #564 Written by MARK MILLAR Pencils & Cover by BRYAN HITCH Dear Readers, you have our word that nothing this lame happens inside this very special Christmas issue. Yours sincerely, Mark and Bryan. Part 1 (of 2).

So, let's check our scorecard. Millar promised that the FF wouldn't run late. Back in August of 2007 he told CBR, "I just handed in our tenth issue last week and Bryan is just finishing the fourth. So, we're in good shape." And people actually believed that.

So...August of 2007...the claim is 10 issues written, 4 penciled (or, rather, "just finishing").

Reality check. November 2008. #561 will (in theory) hit the stands tomorrow, a mere two months late (the Marvel November solicits called for issue #563 to be out by now...). This will be the 8th issue of their run published, and they've already skipped two months. Despite having 4 issues penciled 15 months ago, apparently Hitch has only been able to get 4 more done in the intervening time?!?

Let's start the wagering, shall we? What's the over/under for when #565, part 2 of the "very special Christmas issue," actually appears? I'm willing to bet June...or maybe I'm being to optomistic...

Manic Monday--So You Think You Can Sing And Dance?!?

A little something to help you get through a gloomy November week:

Uhhhh....OK.

From Avengers #178 (1978). Don't try to understand...there will be some explanation of this madness next month...

Friday Night Fights--Bucky Style!!

Just when I thought that we'd have to do something else with our Fridays...

Friday Nights Fights is back, and since this time it's the KA-POW!! version, we'll be getting soundtastic for the next 12 weeks.

First up, the all-new, all-different Captain America and the Falcon are taking out some A.I.M. goons. Hey, Advanced Idea Mechanics, here's an advanced idea for you: maybe it's time you pathetic losers gave up on A.I.M. and joined a real organization!! Seriously, you guys never win even so much as a minor skirmish!! If it weren't for Modok, you cats would be about as threatening as the Yancy Street Gang!!

Let's give Sam Wilson first blood, shall we? Hey, Sam...what's whack?

That's right, show those beekeeper mo fos who's in town!

Cap's turn. Hey, Cap, what's your favorite 80's group? (And, what is whack?)



One more: Falcon, what's the sound of henchmen bowling?!?

STEEEE-RIKE!!!!

Fare thee well, Bahlactus. Hail to our new ringmaster, Spacebooger!!!

Now I'm off to see Quantum of Solace a few times more...

Panels from Captain America #38 (2008) by Brubaker and Epting.

The All New, All Different Final Frontier

Oh, Uncanny X-Men #141, is there no segment of pop culture beyond your reach?!?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not Jean-Luc!! Somebody stop the madness!!

Editor's note: snell is founder and president of STOPUX141 (Stop The Onslaught of Pastiches of Uncanny X-Men #141).

Whither Bond Comics?

In keeping up with the James Bond theme this week, let's talk about Bond comics. In yesterday's post, I questioned why, oh why we didn't have any ongoing Bond comics.

Well, just today Newsarama published an interview with Alan J. Porter, author of the newly published James Bond: The History of the Illustrated 007, which examines the history of James Bond comic books and comic strips. It turns out that there have been 145 stories--some adaptations, some original--over the years, in over 20 countries. U.S. publishers have included DC, Marvel, Eclipse, Dark Horse, and Topps. One thing Porter notes in the interview is:

Perhaps the most surprising thing to me from a historical perspective is the fact that outside of the British newspaper strips no-one has every managed to successfully publish a Bond comic on a sustainable basis. For whatever reason, Bond has had a very patchy career in comics.

It's hard to say why. You'd think that the market today could sustain a Bond comic, given the critical and commercial success of things like Criminal and Queen & Country. And you'd expect someone to try more or less continuously, as with the Star Trek licence--it's jumping from company to company, but usually someone is publishing Trek...so why not 007?

Maybe the rights are too expensive, or maybe the Fleming estate is too difficult to deal with...hello, don't you guys like money, as Chris Sims would say?!?

But speaking of Star Trek...Hey, GITCorp...remember the great job you did with the Star Trek DVD-Rom, gathering all the comics that had been published by diverse companies and gathering them into one beautiful little package? Looks like the James Bond comics might be ripe for such a treatment...

Manic Monday--Countdown

This is going to be kind of a low content week, because...



Things are ramping up to a fever pitch over on my Bond blog, I Expect You To Die, as we await the U.S. debut of the latest 007 epic, Quantum of Solace. So as rearrange my schedule in order to view QoS as many times as humanly possible next week, and get my Bond posting up to speed, comics will be on a little bit of a back burner.

I won't be completely absent, but don't expect the usual post-a-day until next week.

Meanwhile, c'mon over and check out the Bond blog, if you care to.

Question: why the hell don't we have an ongoing James Bond comic book? Someone get to work on that...

Expiration Dates

To celebrate the tenth anniversary of Jason Todd's death, in 1999 Fred Hembeck, in his Dateline @!!?* column for CBG, had a similar contest...readers could call in to vote whether or not Fred was killed. I don't know whether this was the actual result, or just Fred having fun...but he was killed.

Anyhoo, he gets a call from Maggie Thompson, telling him why his newly dead status will be a boon for his column:

Uhh...about those interviews, Fred:

Barry Allen? No longer dead.
Bucky Barnes? No longer dead.
Hal Jordan? No longer dead.
Thomas and Martha Wayne? Unclear, until Grant Morrison gets around to clearing up the red herrings he's managed to cast around in Batman R.I.P.
Most any citizen of Krypton? Well, at least 100,000 no longer dead.
And of course, Jason Todd--most emphatically no longer dead.

Interesting, isn't it, how flexible that which was once untouchable canon has become in the past decade. I'm just sayin'...

Panels from The Nearly Complete Essential Hembeck Archives Omnibus, of course.

Coming Attractions

I don't know...is this really a good movie for little children??

Just askin'.

I Apologize For This In Advance

Sometimes my brain is one weird mo fo.

Weird, but brilliant, as I have stumbled upon a multi-billion dollar idea, if only DC will listen to me.

So yesterday I'm at my fine local comic shop, and I happen to glance over at the markdown bin. The comic that caught my eye was this...

...but the side of the bin covered most of the cover, so all that was visible was this portion...

Now, maybe it's because of the deep green background, maybe it was due to the fact that I had a cold coming on and was hopped up on goofballs, or maybe I'm just insane. But what my brain thought it saw, for just a second, was this:

That's right: G.L. Joes!! The infantry troops of from Oa!! What a brilliant concept!!

Just picture this:

Winnage!!

And whom would the G.L. Joes fight?

Why, Sindestro, of course....

So DC, start saving your shekels!! When the G.I. Joe rights come up for bid again, you can snatch them up, and make roughly one gazillion dollars on comics, toys, cartoons, t-shirts...and I ask only a small consulting percentage for giving you the idea for THE G.L. JOES!!!

snell has a really really bad cold, and obviously isn't thinking clearly. On his behalf, the editors sooooooo apologize.

Cranky Old Man Says:

Since it's apparently de rigueur that every comics blog must comment on the election results, please allow me to note the following.


Many people seem to think that January 20th will bring this:



While many others believe that day will result in this:



Whereas the sad truth is that the likely result will be this:



Same old, same old.

Excuse me while I get back to comic books....

What The F#$%--Mad Libs??

It's fun to look at the internet searches that lead people to this blog...what kinds of honey attract the best flies, as it were?

So it is with great pride that I can report that I am still the #1 Google result for "man-on-animal action." And based on one measly entry, I maintain my status as the #2 Google result for "Batman RIP ending," which is pretty funny since my single post on the topic was basically a joke. And I single-handedly put the term "Al-Haqeed" onto Google...

But sometimes, you folks worry me. The latest search term:

"gay hypnosis hulk superman story"

Uh.....OK.

So, since Google found zero sites that contained all those search terms together, there's a primo opportunity for someone out there to write a fanfic with at least one guaranteed interested reader. Have at it.

But nobody tell Jeph Loeb, OK? Because while I have no problems with a gay hypnosis hulk superman story, a gay hypnosis RED HULK superman story would just be wrong.

And just because I'm in a silly mood today:

I Heard The News Today, Oh Boy

Something familiar about this news story...

Good question, Batman.

Now, this is pretty transparently a gimmick set-up for a relaunch of some type. Last week, Dan DiDio was going on about how the "Battle for the Cowl" is going to be a huge thing for the Bat titles, how it's all about "generations and legacy," "sidekicks and other characters that inhabit Batman's world."

Even under normal circumstances, the likelihood that these 3 Bat-related comics, whose sales are pretty much mid-range, would be canceled simultaneously is win-the-lottery unlikely. But given that these guys are all going to be involved in the Battle for the Cowl, it seems clear to me that this is a stunt, and March or April will see relaunches (perhaps preceded by some one-shots/mini-series, as happened with the Outsiders relaunch).

But hey we're all talking about it, so as a publicity stunt it worked, right?

Manic Monday--YUBIWAZA!!

From the pages of X-Men #12, 1965 (sorry for the poor quality of the scans--old + tiny type = not so good, sometimes):

Ta wubba who?

Oh, yes, a previously unheard of yet nigh unbeatable bit of Asian self-defense...but why should I trust occidental N.J. Fleming to teach me this?

Phew. Thank heavens they mentioned that she was both pretty AND Japanese, or I wouldn't have believed it!

But what kind of situations could I ever need Yubiwaza for?

Oh, yes, that happens to me every week. But if Yubiwaza is so good, why haven't we heard about it before?

Damn those samurai for hoarding secret defense strategies!! Thank god a bunch of pre-adolescents now have access to the ancient martial arts secrets!! Thank you, N.J. Fleming!!

The Voice of Magic Taco

The closing credits to the greatest film in human history--The Poke of Zorro:


And here's what else was in theaters at the time:

We Interrupt This Broadcast

Can't post--busy laughing...