Friday, October 31, 2008

Friday Night Fights--Kimota Style!!

If this is indeed the final Friday Night Fights, let's not go out with a bang, or a whimper, but a crushed larynx.

If you're the wife of Mickey Moran, and an ugly beastie is attacking while he's otherwise occupied, well, you're in trouble:

Pushy Amway monster...But don't lose heart--it's a Miracleman Family, you see, and someone special is watching over you:

Those gloves...
Clingy women
Ewwww
Beautiful yet disturbing? Yup.Ladies and gentleman, Miraclewoman!!

Of course, Bahlactus don't need no magic words to shift into whupass overdrive...hail to the chief, suckas!!

Throat crunching action from Eclipse's Miracleman #11 (1987). My god...you mean it's been over 20 years?? Jesus, I'm old...

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Pop Quiz

Q: How many reaction shots can you get onto one page of a comic book?

On a per-panel basis, your best comic value of the weekA: Too many.

Good gosh, it's like watching a Spielberg movie--convince the audience of how awesome your next shot is going to be by showing the audience lots (and lots) of shots of people gazing in shock/awe at something. And then do it again.

Do you think that maybe--just maybe--the readers got the idea after the first 3 or 4 panels? Well, too bad, because we're going to keep on going until we run out of page.

Really, James Robinson and Renato Guedes--if you're having problems coming up with enough stuff to fill up your page count, drop me a line. I've got a million ideas. And none of them involve a full page of over 30 people just standing around and gawking at something off screen.

P.S. It would help the effect if you actually had them looking in the same direction.

Momentum-stopping crown scene courtesy of Superman #681 (a.k.a. Triangle #2).

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Raindrops Keep Falling On His Head...

Most people have either forgotten, or were never aware in the first place, of the huge limitation the Human Torch had on his powers back in the day.

You see, not only could he stay aflame only for a much shorter period of time than he can nowadays, not only could he not burn as hot...but he had a weakness that makes Green Lantern's vulnerability to yellow look kind of macho:

What about snow, Johnny?! What. About. Snow?!?Yes, study those weather maps, Johnny..."Hey, Reed, I can't help fight Galactus today, there's a low pressure center forming over Albany and..."

You realize, of course, that this makes the Johnny Storm's greatest enemy none other than:

That hot dog is about to dieBut you already knew that, didn't you?? We all remember that famous scene when Mr. Roker had the Torch as his prisoner:

The most frightening villain EVERYou know the best part of all of this?? Doctor Doom probably could have beaten the Fantastic Four a long time ago if he had just thought to attack them when it was raining!!

Roker 1, Doom 0Sorry, Victor....

The Human Torch's public admission of his weakness came in the "Fantastic Four Feature Page" in FF#9 (1962).

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Reed Richards Solves The Economic Crisis

Folks...enough worrying about credit crunches, regulation of hedge funds, or twenty point economic proposals. Because if any man can out think Alan Greenspan or Ben Bernanke on the issue, it's Reed Richards!

What, you say he has no economic experience? Au contraire, my friends. Back before many of us were even born, Richards and company had first hand experience with the mortgage crisis:

Should have gotten fixed-rate...And it's not just a misleading cover:

Perhaps John McCain will buy up their bad mortgage...Egads, how in the world did the Fantastic Four get into such dire financial straits??

Now we have to superhero until we're 70!Ouch...we're feeling your pain, Reed.

But why can't the FF turn to the experience of other superheroes to find a way to raise capital?

Stan Lee, stickin' it to The Man (before he became The Man himself)Oh, yeah, right. (Of course, in fairness, the JLA's first HQ was in a goddamned cave in Happy Harbor, Rhode Island...I guess Manhattan real estate prices were a bitch in both universes...).

So how did the FF get through their liquidity crisis?

Why...it's so simple...and won't cost the taxpayers $700 billion dollars!!Ah, of course...

Now, it turns out the "S.M." in "S.M. Studios" stood for Sub-Mariner...when he heard they were broke, Namor actually went out and bought a movie studio (with "undersea riches") just so he could offer the FF a movie deal and entice them into a series of none-too-impressive death traps (SPOILER ALERT: all the traps failed). But he lived up to his bargain, paid 'em the money, and made the movie:

Of course, we had to include Von Doom on the space flight, and change his origin, and make a terible looking suit for the Thing, and...So there's the solution to our "crisis": everyone should just make a movie of their lives for a million bucks each!!

Hey, does the Sub-Mariner still own that movie studio? Hmmm....

Bonus Disco Era Addendum: In the 1970's, Reed had a plan to make sure this little setback never happened again:

What we all want from superhero comics--legal documents!!Man, can you imagine how much the IPO for Fantastic Four Incorporated would have gone for? It would have made Google look like a penny stock!!

But Reed, you've gotta get better lawyers, because that charter is kinda whack:

Really, whose idea was that silly clause?? Roy!!D'oh!!

Well, at least in got Luke Cage into the FF for a few issues...

Ye olde times shots from Fantastic Four #9 (1962). Ye less olde times segments from Fantastic Four #168 (1976).

Monday, October 27, 2008

Manic Monday--More Jobs Lost To Technology

As we continue onwards into this technological age, America has to come to grips with the need to properly train our workers so they can be gainfully employed in an era of the internet, flying cars, and moon colonies.

This is hardly a new problem, though, as we take a look at job concerns circa 1964:

That's right, despite what you here about American students falling behind in math today, the situation didn't seem to be much better in 1964, as the average student was so clueless we had to rely on comic book ads to give the populace any mathematical proficiency.

Disclaimer...not actually as easy as 1+1=2Yes, in you can solve this "tough" equation, you can get a high paying job in "this atomic age"--working alongside Einstein no doubt.

Yes, your friends will certainly be surprisedYes, because society gives so much prestige to math whizzes...

The most boring party EVER"Social" arithmetic problems? Because apparently, doing blindfolded math problems was the Pictionary of the early mid 60's.

Timed mathematics will be the next Olympic eventMy gosh, those times...eat our dust, Mark Phelps!!

Of course, it's too bad for everybody who sent in their $2.98...within a decade, all of that "E-Z Math" skill that produced prestige and self-confidence and and higher pay and better jobs would be rendered obsolete by the calculator.

The desperate plea for improving America's work force appeared in Avengers #4 (1964).

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Ripped Off Again

From the Where's My Flying Cars? Department:

Where's the moon babies?!?!D'oh!!

Bad prediction from Gold Key's Star Trek: The Enterprise Logs #4 (1976)

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Final Crisis: Submit--The Corrected Version

After yesterday's stunning announcement, I thought that I would get the jump on the trade and make the correction for Grant Morrison:

You're welcome.

Now excuse me, I have to go re-alphabetize all my Beyoncé albums...

Friday, October 24, 2008

Friday Night Fights--Mystery Guest Star Style!!

This week's Friday Night Fights, sadly, contains no roller derby. Instead, we get a special mystery combatant. No, I'm not spoiling anything--it's right there on the cover!!

70's DC covers--required by law to contain at least two questionsSo who is the precocious youth kicking the crap out of the Lad of Steel?? Just wait for it...

Our story starts when our little titian-haired moppet is drowning at summer camp. Fortunately for her, Clark Kent is one of the camp counselors, and:

Nerd alert:swimming with glasses?!?!Her older brother, also a counselor, decides she needs to be punished, and she's pretty damned grumpy about it.

Pouting leads to super-powers!!Oh, that's right, this is Silver Age DC, so of course Clark just happens to be carrying one of Mordru's captured magic crystals in his cape pocket, and just happens to be walking by exactly when our mystery guest makes her wish:

This kind of shit happened every single day in the Silver Age...Later, as the counselors play the "let's scare the shit out of the young 'uns by pretending to be ghosts game," our little girl suddenly manifests great power...

My sisiter--she's hot!!...but without great responsibility...

She really hates CIA agents...Fortunately, the chump she walloped was Clark, so he's OK. This little girl, though, is holding her own against the Kryptonian teen:

Hey--kicking is no fair!!
Clark says that to all the girls...
Think hard, Kal-El, she's kicking your assFortunately, Kal figures out the deal, throws the crystal into the sun (if that happened today, someone would run and do a nineteen-issue arc about an evil villain intercepting the crystal before it reached the sun and becoming incredibly powerful, and killing some of Superboy's relatives in the process)...and poof go her powers.

But wait--who was that girl??

Uh...Superboy, could I borrow that crystal again for theKilling Joke?!?
That's right...a prepubescent Barbara Gordon kicked Superboy's ass. Come to think of it, that would have been a better way to end Infinite Crisis...

Of course, Bahlactus saw that twist coming, because he's seen it all!!

The adventures of Superman when he was the Beaver took place in Adventure Comics #453 (1977). Can you believe that DC isn't currently publishing anything under the title of Adventure Comics?!? What a waste of a venerable title...

Thursday, October 23, 2008

The Secret Ending To Final Crisis--Revealed!!

Not a dream--not a hoax--not an imaginary story!! The final resolution of Final Crisis:

Barry, it's Chinatown!
What is this, the end of Superman II?
That's right...Barry Allen will simply run around the world and kiss every human being, freeing them from the anti-life equation!!

C'mon, he's the freakin' Flash...like he's not fast enough to do that?

(Of course, since Grant Morrison has already re-used this own time travel cliché of having the Flashes accidentally overrun their own time and end up in the future after the bad guys have won, there can be little doubt that the real resolution will be yet another time travel cliché: Since the bullet that killed Orion and precipitated everything was fired from the future, in issue #7 they'll find out who fired it and use the mystery Metron/Anthro/Tattooed Man glyph to prevent it from being fired...so everything will be reset, except for those continuity changes Morrison and DC want to make.

All in all, I'd prefer to have Barry Allen running around kissing everybody...)

Question: Why don't the Flashes hop back in the timestream to before "the day evil won," and, like, warn everybody and help?? Uhh...

Question: If the anti-life equation is "a mathematical proof that Darkseid is the rightful master of everything in existence," shouldn't it include, you know, math?? "Loneliness+alienation+fear+despair"? That's a Cure song, not an equation...

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Captain America Movie Preview

Well, not so much a preview, as a look at all the tidbits we have, now that the new Hulk DVD is out plus lots of idle speculation.

We all know about the "alternate opening" on display in the 3-disc version, where we see Captain America and his shield embedded in the Arctic ice. It should be noted that Hulk's little rampage breaks up that bit of glacier, rather like Namor's did back in good old Avengers #4.

We also now that Tony Stark has Cap's shield--or at least a version of it, as it looks unfinished--in his lab in the Iron Man movie.

(Let me add that these tidbits look much better on the screen, particularly in HD, than they do in these screencaps.)

Now, we have no way to judge the relative time frames of these movies. Since we don't know when Hulk's North Pole smashing took place, there's really no way we can say whether or not the shield the Hulk sets loose is the one Stark has...perhaps recovered by the military and turned over to Stark for testing when he was still doing weapons research? Or, is he simply trying to recreate what once was (supposedly) lost?!?

But there's a couple of more hints we can dope out about this universe's super-soldiers from some tidbits in a couple of deleted scenes on the Hulk DVD.

The first takes place after they lose the Hulk in Brazil, and General Ross has to brief his superior, General Greller (whose part ended up entirely on the cutting room floor). Ross apparently hadn't fully informed Greller of what was going on, and he berates "Thunderbolt" Ross: "Are you telling me another one of your Super Soldier experiments has gone haywire? Is there anything that came out of that program that didn't turn into a mess?!?" Hmmmmm....

Next up, we have a greatly expanded version of the scene where Ross tells Blonsky about the Super Soldier program.

Blonsky: You said that (Banner) wasn't working on weapons, right?
Ross: No.
Blonsky: But you were, weren't you? You were trying other things.
Ross: One serum we developed was very promising. But it didn't pan out...or, it did, but it was unstable. It made subjects unstable. We were refining it, but then...Al-Haqeed happened. All those pictures at the hearings, Congress lost its nerve and they killed it.

Double hmmm...

And of course, there's the not-deleted bit at the end, where Tony Stark tells Ross, "I hate to say 'I told you so,' General, but that Super Soldier program was put on ice for a reason."

Now, if that wasn't a coy reference to Cap being frozen in a glacier...triple hmmm...

We've been told the Cap movie will be set in WWII...but we don't know if it all of it will be. We don't know for sure that Cap will be frozen then, or even if it's "the" Captain America up north we see in Hulk.

But we do know that, at some point, Ross made some more "unstable" super soldiers, and then something fairly horrific happened at Al-Haqeed. Perhaps we're borrowing the character of Nuke from Miller's Daredevil run, an insane and out-of-control super soldier experiment gone awry.

And would Ross have kept such a failure "on ice," that is, in suspended animation, rather than kill him? And could he get loose and face a revived Cap, either in the Cap or Avengers movie??

Lots of hmmm.....

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

F-less January

The January solicits are out for both Marvel and DC. And there's something missing.

First up, we note that on the Marvel side, for the second month in a row the Fantastic Four is absent from the solicitations. Nothing for December, nothing for January. So much for Millar & Hitch's promise to never miss a month. Guess since you can't sell that idea off for yet another "SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE," it doesn't get your full attention, eh Mark? (For the record, there was something for December called the Fantastic Four Cosmic Special, with no creators or plot listed, so there was some thought that there was going to be some tie-in to Skrullapalooza that Marvel wouldn't reveal yet. Nope, they just announced, it's a one-off special by Carey Bates and Bing Cansino).

The Fantastic Four. The World's Greatest Comics Magazine. No issues in December or January. My soul hurts.

Meanwhile, on the DC side, January features no issue of the Flash. Apparently, December's "conclusion" to the "This Was Your Life, Wally West" story is also the conclusion to this run of the Flash...if Final Crisis ever finishes, then Geoff Johns will start his Flash: Rebirth series (and since Final Crisis #7 is solicited for January 28th, one million quatloos says it's gonna slip at least until February...remember when these summer crossover events happened, well, during the summer?!?).

So, no Flash in January. No Fantastic Four. I'm not sure when (if ever) was the last time both those mags were missing in the same month...January's gonna be a long, cold month...

Monday, October 20, 2008

Manic Monday--One Scene, Two Artists:

The final panel of Master of Kung Fu #40 (1976), by Paul Gulacy:

The first panel (after the splash page) of Master of Kung Fu #41, by Sal Buscema and Mike Esposito:

#41 was a fill-in issue, but it used the end situation from #40 as a framing sequence for what was a flashback story. For full disclosure in comparison, the Gulacy panel was about double the size of Buscema's.

No commentary offered here...I just thought it was interesting to see how too very different artists handled the exact same scene.

And lest anyone make unkind remarks about Sal's work...just let me note that Marvel probably NEVER needed to do a fill-in because Mr. Buscema couldn't get a book done on a monthly schedule, whereas Mr. Gulacy was rarely able to go more than 3 or 4 issues within having to have a fill-in, usually by Sal Buscema, or Ron Wilson, or Keith Pollard...

Sunday, October 19, 2008

The Spy Who Face-Kicked Me

What do you do when you have the rights to Sax Rohmer's pulp villain Fu Manchu, as well as the right to the TV series Kung Fu?

Why, combine them, of course!!

In a move that made absolutely no sense but ended up working brilliantly, Steve Englehart and Jim Starlin created Shang-Chi, Master of Kung Fu, in Special Marvel Edition #15. Let's give Fu Manchu a son, raised by monks to become the ultimate fighting machine--but that same upbringing causes him to reject his father's evil, so we'll have joins up with Fu's old nemesis, Sir Denis Nayland Smith of Scotland Yard, to oppose him.

It was a ridiculously wonderful conceit, and Special Marvel Edition quickly changed its title to Master of Kung Fu (well, technically..."The Hands of Shang-Chi, Master of Kung Fu"...try to file that sucker).

The early run on Master of Kung Fu was all Fu Manchu, all the time. Not that there's was anything wrong with Fu Manchu. He was pretty damn evil, and the fact that he was Shang-Chi's father made for some great conflict.

But when both of the character's creators bailed on the title after a mere handful of issues, Doug Moench was thrown to the lions (after 1/2 of an issue written by Gerry Conway). While Moench seemed to immediately have a good grasp on Shang's character, the instability--seemingly a different artist every issue, no longer range plan on what was going to be done with the character--resulted in a string of stories that, well not bad, stank with a certain deja vu. Gangster tries to kill Shang to curry favor with Fu Manchu; Fu has a plot in Florida, so our cast goes there; Fu has a plot in South America, so we go there; Smith sends Shang to investigate a supposed Fu lair in London, Chi's half sister was starting a war against Fu...

We were caught in a Fu rut. Not to mention, the series was starting to get some blowback for the "Yellow Peril" stereotype that some thought Fu perpetuated.

Well, finally Moench and Paul Gulacy got their ducks in a row, and the blurb at the end of #27 promised a "dynamic new direction!" #28 came out, and it was a fill-in (surprise--it was Gulacy, after all!), and once again promised a "dynamic new direction!" for the next issue. And this time, we got it.

That new direction?

Chi...Shang-ChiKung Fu James Bond.

That's right, 30 years before Fraction and Brubaker gave us "Kung Fu Billionaire," Moench and Gulacy decided to take the odd hybrid character of Shang Chi and plop him down into a wonderful homage/hybrid milieu of Ian Fleming.

Suddenly, Nayland Smith and crew, who had been identified nebulously as working for Scotland Yard, were at MI-6, in Her Majesty's Secret Service.

Suddenly, instead of going after Fu Manchu, they were going after insane megalomanical billionaires like Carlton Velcro:

Evil billionaire...checkVelcro, from his luxurious mansion in a French Mediterranean grotto (seriously), was secretly the world's biggest heroine dealer. Except, it turns out, he was using that front as a front in his quest to obtain and sell nuclear weapons to the highest bidder!!

Of course, Velcro's mansion was insanely luxurious...

Villains love their lady-filled pools...with a hidden underground death fortress that took Ken Adam's set designs for Bond and turned the dial up to 11.

He has to be a billionaire just to heat that place!!The new master villains Shang would face usually had dementedly colorful henchmen (conveniently, most with martial arts motifs):

Obvious jokes avoided, because Chris Sims has already made them
Kitten With A WhipAnd the arcs usually ended, as Bond movies must, with exploding complexes:

Pyrotechincs are much more affordable on the comics pageA minor character who had been introduced earlier, Clive Reston, was made prominent in Chi's supporting cast. His distinction? While they couldn't come right out and say it, Moench would drop hints every issue that Clive was both the son of James Bond and the great-nephew of Sherlock Holmes:

Careful...don't give the lawyers anything they can latch onto
OK, I never said the hints were subtle...Gulacy even tried to draw him as a hybrid of Sean Connery and Basil Rathbone...

And as always, there was still plenty of kung fu to be found:

Better than ANYTHING in The Man With The Golden GunAnd you know what? As silly as it sounded, this new direction once again worked brilliantly. Since they were already operating in a comic book universe that had established an immortal devil doctor with indecipherable super science was trying to take over the world, the Bond pastiches fit in perfectly, with no further suspension of disbelief required. And because the comics page didn't require special effects to show outrageous things, Moench and Gulacy were able to take the whole "super British spies fighting global threats" thing in directions and too extremes that weren't possible (then) on screen.

And sitting at the center of this, the calm eye as the hurricane of nuttiness raged around him, was Shang-Chi, placidly philosophizing about how abhorrent violence was as he face-kicked henchmen and helped James Bonds' son blow up killer satellites and stop insane robot-double building madmen.

Fu wasn't gone forever...but now, when he reared his evil head, it was an event, even a surprise...which made him that much better...after all, who wants Doctor Doom to appear in every issue??

It was crazy, it was wonderful. And sadly, it will likely never be reprinted, as Marvel allowed the Rohmer rights to lapse, which means that any story containing Fu or Nayland Smith is out of bounds..and that was almost all of them.

Maybe someday, Marvel will take the truckload of cash they've sucked from us with Secret Invasion and buy back the rights, at least for reprints. And maybe, someday, someone will have another brilliant brainstorm about how to reinvent Shang-Chi yet again, in another genre-smashing mode that works despite expectations (hint--Heroes For Hire, whatever your strengths, you didn't cut it as a Shang-Chi vehicle).

Final note: I discovered that the first time I mentioned his name I had mistyped it as "Shag-Chi," and the spell-checker didn't object. Hmmm...

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Same As it Ever Was

From the Jest For Fun page in Gold Key's Star Trek #1 (1967):

From the Jest For Fun Page in Gold Key's Star Trek #9 (1971):

Keep trying, kids...eventually you'll find the magic color combination...

Speaking of Star Trek #9:

Vulcan has metrosexuals, tooWhy Mr. Spock, you do know how to accessorize!!

Friday, October 17, 2008

Friday Night Fights--Killamazoo Style!!

Well...it was inevitable. Having the theme of Ladies' Night for Friday Night Fights has lead me to present the one thing I swore I would never write about:

That's it--I've sunk as low as can I goLois Lane doing roller derby.

Oh, Gerry Conway, what hath thou wrought?

OK, so Perry White, once again deciding that reporting on actual news events in the biggest city in the world is somehow beneath the Daily Planet, sends Lois Lane undercover to investigate roller derby.

Man, it hurts just to type that.

You see, the Metropolis Rockets advertise themselves as "The Fastest Roller Team in the World!" But Perry asked some experts, and they say that the Rockets actually skate faster than is "humanly possible"!!!! So he sends his best investigative reporter undercover to figure out how.

Meanwhile, after Lois makes the team, obviously tragedy has to happen. Out of nowhere, one of her teammates suddenly starts skating out of control--lethally so:

That really doesn't seem like a 'KROOM' now, does it??Lois' investigation uncovers the shocking fact that the Rockets...(wait for it) use motorized skates!!

Man, that is sooo a Kirby type inventionYes, somehow, with no noise or exhaust, these super-jet skates propel the Rockets faster than normal roller derby competitors!!! However, the other Rockets don't want this fact revealed, 'cause then everyone would know they're cheaters, you see. Of course, violence ensues.

Roller derby is even more compelling behind the scenes!!Uh-oh...Lois is outnumbered now. However will she escape?

If Geoff Johns works Klurkor into the New Krypton storyline, I will never criticize his Superman stories againOh, that's right, back then she was still leaning of the Kryptonian self-defense art of Klurkor. Her and Shang-Chi.

Fortunately, fictional martial arts work pretty well:

Lois is indeed a bitch on wheelsAnd as always seems to happens in these stories, the real killer makes some innocent statement that Lois decides proves she's guilty. This killer, though, don't know from no Klurkor:

Luthor in drag?What results is the killer trying to get away on a motorcycle. Well, that may work against normal reporters, but not against award-winning reporters who happen to have a pair of rocket-powered skates!! The result: PAIN!!

Outrunnig a motorcylce? Really? Those are some skates...
Ladies and gentleman--the birth of Rollerball!!!Oh, Lois, is there no fake sporting event you can't turn into a front page story??

Oh, and I suppose I'd best reveal my secret shame: my home town has its own roller derby team, the Killamazoo Derby Darlings.

Sigh...Bahlactus, can you ever forgive me?

Lois' high-kickin', rocket skatin' crime solvin' adventure comes from Superman Family #198, 1979.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Don't Forget!!

Shang Chi, Master of Kung Fu, reminds you:

Fact: you're getting welts upside your head just from looking at this!!Friday is Take Your Nunchucks To Work Day.

Well, OK, it's not...but are you going to argue with him??

Moench, Gulacy, Adkins, and the son of Fu Manchu argue for the most important holiday we don't yet have in Master of Kung Fu #39 (1976).

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Things That Make me Smile--Five Rounds Rapid

What's the absolute coolest thing ever?

Space greyhounds? Maybe.

Space greyhounds driving giant mechanical spiders? Closer.

Space greyhounds driving giant mechanical spiders that fire laser beams?

They put my dreams on paper...Yeah, that's about right.

From IDW's delightful Doctor Who: The Forgotten #2

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

If This Were An Olypmic Event, I'd Watch More Often

From Avengers #16 (1965), we see Captain America demonstrate the lost art of "combat gymnastics."

Combat gymnastics, you ask?

We start with Cap and Rick Jones pulling up to an Avengers Mansion teeming with media, (as rumors of a new Avengers line-up have been flying..but Cap doesn't know that yet):

Isn't there a members only entrance? A secret underground parking area?Well, of course, Cap can't mingle with the common man, especially the media, lest they ask him about watching videos on YouTube. So, instead of using some more subtle entry way, he decides to make the most ostentatious entrance possible:

Try that with a 2008 car, Cap...Ladies and gentleman--combat gymnastics!!

What--you say it was just a man using a car hood as as springboard, and didn't involve either combat or any actual gymnastics? Oh ye of little faith--listen to Cap describe it:

All Avengers business must wait for Rick Jones to finish parking the carDo you hear what Captain America said? "Dangerous" "difficult" and "art!" Dudes, this is already so much cooler than regular gymnastics!! Take that, Nadia Comaneci!!

Uhhh...not so much. Do we really believe that Cap just stood around outside the conference door waiting for Rick? Or that, despite the showing off, that Mr. Jones made it in through the throngs just as fast as Cap? Hmmm...

And once they get inside:

Too bad I'll kill them all and eliminate all mutants in the near future, dear brotherOh, Cap, you botched the dismount!! After all that talk of mastering the dangerous art of combat gymnastics, you're ready to toss your cookies just from being thrown up in the air??!! No medal for Cap, I'm afraid. (Then again, maybe he was just nauseous from being touched by Hank Pym....)

Still, if they did have combat gymnastics in the Olympics, the super-soldier serum would have Cap seriously failing the drug tests. So Batroc would probably end up with the gold...Damn you, France!!

Still, we shouldn't pick on Cap too much. It's tough when your new sidekick is always comparing you to his old hero:

The Hulk always called the next dayCaptain America: Rick Jones' rebound hero.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Manic Monday--How To Lose Friends And Family

I've seen many an odd sales scheme advertised in old comic books: Grit, seeds, greeting cards, Nigerian lottery (oops, wait, that wasn't comic books). But I'd never seen this one before:

This looks much more labor intensive than GritClick on it for a larger version. Yes, Mason Shoes (from Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin!!) expected kids to go out and schlep their shoes for them. On Saturday mornings, no less!!

And here's a great way to ensure a lot of hastily-pulled-closed curtains and "gee, I guess nobody's home" results:

Dammit, it's Jimmy and those damn shoes again. Pretend we're not home!!That's right, harass your friends and neighbors on their days off, by trying to sell them footwear.

But man, I could really use that extra $20 a week...

Ad culled from The Avengers #16 (1965). No New, no Mighty, no Dark, no West Coast...just THE Avengers, dammit. The Old Order Changeth, my friends...

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Too Complicated?

You hear it said that by some that comic book continuity is a barrier to new readers...that the long, complicated back story on some titles is too impenetrable to the newbie, and drives them away.

How true is this?

Obviously, continuity can get ridiculously over complex. In any given X-Title, you might encounter 3 or 4 different heroes from different alternate futures, or alternate pasts, or heavens knows what. Ye gods, thanks for the migraines, Chris Claremont.

However, other forms of serial fiction have multi-decade back stories that, alternate futures aside, makes Spider-Man look like Richie Rich. Yet somehow, The Guiding Light (for example) seems to pick up viewers every year who manage to navigate the complexities of who is really whose daughter.

And even when Marvel creates a whole new line featuring old characters in brand new continuities, ostensibly to become a better gateway for new readers, eventually that continuity gets complex, too. As someone out there said (forgive, I forget who it was, let me know and full credit will be extended), once you have Ultimate Cable and Ultimate Stryfe, haven't you lost the mission for a simpler entryway?

Here's another way to look at it--were the comics of ye olden days really less complicated? Let's take one personal anecdote--me.

One of the very first non-kiddie comic books I ever owned was Marvel Triple Action #10, a 1973 reprinting of Avengers #16, from 1965. My recollection is that my grandparents purchased it for me at some flea market. It had no cover (which is just as well, because it turns out to be one of the more hideous and misleading covers ever...Sorry, Gil Kane).

This was my first exposure ever to even the concept of the Avengers, let alone an actual story. We all know this issue...it was the first big Avengers line-up shakeup, ever. Here's the original cover:

Much better than the Skrull version, or Zombie version, or Ape version, or...Now, just look at that...look at all those characters on that cover. Obscure villains, villains and characters from other comic books...and look at the inside:

Best. Comic. Title. EVER.No recap, no roster page, no introduction...just a "hey, if you weren't here last issue, you'll catch up. C'mon!"

The first two pages of the comic present you with the heroes, only one of whom is identified by name, and the Masters of Evil, only one of whom is identified by name. The reader was expected to know who all these cats were. And if not, follow along and figure it out!

Meanwhile, we take a quick visit to Captain America:

That's how cool Cap is...he buries his fallen foesA scene entirely based on something that happened in a previous issue, which I hadn't read...with absolutely no background on Cap. or why his battle with Zemo (whoever he was) was so important, no introduction of who the heck "Rick" is...what any of the back story was. Yet somehow I kept reading.

Then, back in NY:

Damn these company-wide crossovers!Thor leaves, off-panel (!), for some unexplained crisis. Go read his book if you want to know!! Then Hawkeye shows up out of nowhere...

Cue flashback panel style!!We get a decent flashback to his past appearance in Tales of Suspense...Then the Avengers go and try to recruit someone called Namor...who?

How dare they not stop everything to give me the complete history of this character!!Then two weird looking people in hideous costumes show up, requiring us to know X-Men history...

I tremble at those costumes...And then we see a collage of villains, most of whom are a complete mystery to a new reader:

Jack Kirby's Parade of Evil Faces!!And yet...despite the fact that the issue was almost entirely based on past events I hadn't read; even though to truly appreciate everything going on you had to have a working knowledge of the Avengers' history, and the X-Men, and Iron Man, and Thor, and who those villains are---none of which I had ever encountered; even though the issue was as "hung up on continuity" as anything could be in Marvel 1965...I still enjoyed it, and wanted to read more.

Did I understand everything? Hell no. But it was a good tale, entertainingly told, and Stan and Jack did a decent enough job filling me in, so as I went along I was never lost--just curious. Oh, at 10, I was no Amadeus Cho, and I didn't 100% understand everything that was referred to. But I figured out enough to enjoy the story, and the characters, and to want to know more.

Sometimes, I think, we underestimate newbies. I think people are a hell of a lot more willing to come in media res into a storyline than we give them credit for. We assume that if they don't know as much as we do, they can't possibly enjoy and appreciate what they're reading--at least not as much as we do.

And for some people, sure. But those same people would likely have been as put off by Avengers #16, from "simpler" times. As for the rest? The human mind, especially kids', are amazing things, and are capable of filling in blanks on their own, and wanting to know more about a universe. People did start watching Dallas in season 5, and somehow survived not knowing every detail of past seasons, and even became fans. People did start reading Robinson's Starman, one of the more continuity-involved series ever, and their heads didn't explode.

Sometimes, I think, we latch onto "too complicated a continuity" as a convenient excuse to explain why comics don't sell more. And it's true, some creators make their stories far, far too complex for newbies to easily jump onto. And some creators are overly obsessed with continuity navel-gazing. But somehow, those seem to be the books that sell the most, year after year.

Far more important than "too complex" is "is the story well told" and "are the characters any good" and "does this intrigue the reader enough to want to read more?" You don't need to know the history of the Golden Age and the first Crisis and Zero Hour to enjoy a JSA story, if it's done well. But sometimes, I think, we ourselves do just as much to scare newbies aways, with our "oh, the back story is too complicated for me to explain, so you wouldn't enjoy it."

As a 10-year-old I got thrown into the deep end of an Avengers story that referenced at least 20 other comic books and didn't try to hold my hand by dumbing everything down for newbies. Let's give other newbies the same benefit of the doubt, instead of assuming that they're incapable of figuring things out as they went along. I figured it out, and so can they.

Friday, October 10, 2008

If There's One Thing Better Than DC Baby Talk...

...it's Star Trek baby talk:

Good rocks, we keep!Oh, not the old "radiation makes everyone age backwards "chestnut.

Well, be they Scots or Vulcan, kids say the darndest things!!!

Ladies and gentlemen, JJ Abrams Star Trek babies!!
Scenes likely not too different than the JJ Abrams Star Trek movie are from Gold Key's Star Trek #42 (1977).

Thursday, October 9, 2008

7 Lessons From Action Comics #870


We're going to spoil some things here, folks. And even though every single moment of the Brainiac story arc (except the fact that Geoff Johns was going to come up with yet another new and mutually exclusive origin for Supergirl) was completely predictable from the very first panel, it's too early in the week to talk about these things without a SPOILER ALERT.

Even the "huge surprise" at the end was telegraphed ten ways to Sunday thanks to the mind-numbingly obvious junior high honors English symbolism strewn throughout all 5 parts. But out of courtesy, I'm flagging SPOILER ALERTS here in a fairly huge way. OK?

So after the picture of Braniac drawn to look exactly like Lex Luthor (?) the SPOILERS commence. OK?

(By the way, when Lex Luthor shows up in Action, will Geoff Johns/DC make Gary Frank draw him to look exactly like Gene Hackman? Just asking...)

OK, after this next picture, SPOILER ALERT:

Luthor as Beast Boy


LESSON #1 FROM ACTION COMICS #870: Geoff Johns is so enraptured with the Richard Donner Superman, he had to kill Pa Kent unnecessarily so the continuities would match up better in his head.

Then again, if he keeps to the model, Kal-El can just fly backwards around the world, turning back time, to save Pa...

LESSON #2: Guess they should have let Pa Kent drink that beer on the last cover, eh? He'll never get a chance at another one...

LESSON #3: If Superman doesn't unnecessarily go into space to hunt Brainiac, Pa Kent would still be alive. Let's start heaping on the guilt, shall we? Because that's how I want my Superman: Peter Parker-style neurotic...

LESSON #4: Superman will take a beaten foe and grind his face into the mud with his boot:

Kal-El: now as nasty as Wolverine or the Punisher!!That's Truth, Justice and the American Way, Geoff Johns style!! (For the record, this was before Pa Kent died, so don't use that as justification for Superman suddenly mocking and humiliating fallen foes...) Seriously now...is this how Superman would act?

LESSON #4: Ma Kent is so spoiled (and stupid) from having a super-son, she doesn't even call 911 when her husband has a heart attack:

Don't you even have a damned JLA communicator? Call Kara? Anything?!?!Before you say anything, note that as far as she knew, Clark was still deep in outer space, so even if Smallville has the worst ambulance service in the history of history, it's still got to be better than calling for someone who's light years away.

LESSON #5: Whatever you might think of Gary Frank's art, his ability to draw likenesses is NOT one of his stengths. So whoever's edict it was to draw the Man of Steel so that he looks exactly like Christopher Reeve, please stop. Because Frank's just not good at it, and we get ridiculous results like this:

Christopher Reeve constipated

Christopher Reeve letting out a super-fart (with sound effects)

Christopher Reeve worrying about an IRS audit

Christopher Reeve looking at a cute, cute puppy

Look, DC, if you want a tracer, hire Greg Land to draw Action. Otherwise, let Gary Frank be Gary Frank. It's embarrassing.

LESSON #6: Brainiac is stupider than Jupiter. If Brainiac's missiles are capable of causing supernovas, why does the one he fires at the Kents only blow up a house, and not even singe two people standing ten feet away?!? Why the hell not fire one of your supernova missiles at Smallville, or at least something nuclear? Some revenge, dimwit...you just got lucky with a heart attack.

LESSON #7: Geoff Johns really can't go more than a few issues without whacking someone, can he?

But other then being wretchedly predictable, being morbidly obsessed with death, being morbidly obsessed with a version of Superman from a movie 30 years ago, making no sense on its own terms, and denigrating the character of Superman, the story didn't completely suck. Just mostly.

Thus endeth the lessons.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

This Cover Must Be Captioned

Not precisely a comic book (it's one of those comic/record combo that I never was privileged to own as a child), but granted an automatic bye into the final round of competition for the worst comic book cover ever:

Sir, do you know the odds of successfully navigating an asteroid field??Not only does it have a bad juxtaposition of photographic and art elements...not only does it feature those abominable uniforms from Star Trek: The Motion Picture...not only are the captions and logos careless placed about the cover with no regard for background or color, making them hard to read...

...but for a children's book, the poses invite all sorts of naughty captions. Such as:

YOUR REAR DEFLECTOR SHIELDS ARE DOWN, KIRK!!

or

HERE'S YOUR CAPTAIN'S LOG!!

or

MUST...CAPTURE...TRIBBLE...ON...KIRK'S...HEAD!!

OK, that one wasn't really naughty...but it was still fun.

Play along at home, and give us some captions for this cover (naughty or not, your choice).

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Strangely Enough, No Flashdance Reference Is Made In This Post

On the off chance DC ever gets around to actually publishing another issue of Final Crisis, I really hope Grant Morrison can find the time to work this in:

DC just doesn't make house ad they way they used to...What in the world could this be??

So aggressively mod it single-handedly started the Summer of LoveYes, the Maniaks. Back in the goddamn crazy hippie days of 1967, DC actually tried their own Monkees, by giving three issues of Showcase (interrupted by an issue starring Binky!!) to a (presumably) wacky band that went around having (presumably) crazy adventures while presenting the world with some (doubtfully) authentic hip teen culture.

How hip? Check this out:

Seriously...Woody Allen!!Yes, Woody Allen had a cover appearance on a DC comic book (incidentally, the very same DC title that Barry Allen debuted in...coincidence? I THINK NOT!!).

The capstone? All 9 Maniaks stories (3 per issue) were written by E. Nelson Bridwell.

There, your mind just exploded, didn't it??

So, I've never actually read any of these (presumably) insane stories, but given my affinity for faux comic book rock bands, I really really want Morrison to have them show up at the end of Final Crisis, singing the Final Crisis Theme Song while getting on Darkseid's nerves with their swinging melodies. With Woody Allen along for the wackiness.

Because man, that would so much more interesting than Sonny Sumo...

House ad swiped from Green Lantern #54 (1967), which features Green Lantern getting his ass kicked by a man in an iron lung. Seriously. I'll tell you about it someday...

Monday, October 6, 2008

Manic Monday--Superman Is A Dickweed

It's been said before by others, doubtlessly better, and it will be said again...but sometimes Superman was the biggest dickweed in the multiverse. Case in point: Action Comics #252 (1959), the debut of Supergirl.

The first panel of the story, while not exactly an example of dickweedery, is a head-scratcher:

Dammit!! Some girl is cribbing my act!!It's odd enough that Superman would automatically assume that a flying youngster in a super-costume" must be an illusion, since by this point he had met more than one super-powered female. Heck, we had already established that as a youth, Superboy had met the Legion. Even given non-existent 1950's continuity, it's an odd reaction.

Anyway, Superman soon discovers that he and Kara are related--cousins!! And there was much rejoicing!!

Emphasis on 'perhaps'So, it's "the happiest moment in Superman's life," so obviously, he'll let Kara come and live with him, right? Not so fast:

No, that would crimp my bachelor lifestyleUhhh...yeah...because that's why Bruce Wayne kicked Dick Grayson to the curb, and Ollie Queen told Roy Harper to hit the road...oh, wait, they didn't do that, did they? Your secret identity "might be" jeopardized by a new ward or long-lost cousin coming to live with Clark Kent, when it didn't bother those other guys? You couldn't be bothered to make the same effort??

Well, that's OK, it's still the "happiest event of Superman's lonely life. " Kal-El, you're not alone anymore, surely you've found a loving family for her to live with while she helps you fight crime, right? That's his "great idea for her future life," right?? Not so fast:

Unfortunately, child labor is now illegal, but life should still be particularly unpleasant for you hereOh. So you're so overjoyed to see her, you forbid her to use her powers and stick her in an orphanage. AN ORPHANAGE!!

So, as you see, Superman was basically a Dickensian villain...his long-lost relative shows up, and rather than inconvenience himself in the slightest (or share the spotlight in the slightest), he sends her away to be warehoused with the unwanted children. Rather than giving her the benefit of a loving home, as he had, he institutionalizes her. Instead of letting enjoy a career as a super-powered teenager, like he did, he arbitrarily forbids her to use her powers until "someday."

Superman: you, sir, are a dickweed.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Friday Night Fights--Tantu Style!!

Well, look who we have here. Just in time for her mini-series, and in time for her prominent role in the latest JLA epic, we here at Slay Monstrobot have decided to hop on the bandwagon. So here's Vixen, in her debut 28 years ago (feel old?).

In Metropolis, Superman is trying to stop someone from hijacking a shipment of furs, when:

Rao is Kryptonese for 'frak'Now, surely Vixen couldn't take on the Man of Steel, could she?

So a bull elephant COULD knock you back? So much for strong enough to move planets, etcWell, I guess she can. And just to prove that Superman is, well, a man, he does take the time to remark on her physical appearance while getting the snot kicked out of him.

Sge's notrhing like that old fat cow Wonder WomanOh, poor wittle Clark got scratched (SPOILER ALERT: the Tantu totem is magic). Now, if this story had happened in the 60's or early 70's, a whole subplot would have spun off about Clark somehow having to hide the fact that he had the same scratches as Superman, lest Lois Lane find out his secret identity. None of that nonsense for Gerry Conway, though!!

Anyway, after a trip to Africa, and under cover reporting, and poaching, and smuggling, and zzzzz, Superman and Vixen hook up (not that way!). He goes on to deal with the manly task of coralling stampeding elephants...

Who'd have 'thunk' it?While she takes off to stop a fat guy with a pointed stick.

wait--I only slew guilty beasts, like Scar from the Lion King...Wait a minute...maybe she just stood toe to toe with Superman...but can she handle A FAT GUY WITH A STICK?!?

The Kingpin stole my shtick!!
Noisier than Monica Seles at Wimbledon...
Victory by heart attack!!Well, I guess she can. Carry on, Vixen!! I don't advise you, however, to try that "scratching with magic claws" stunt on Bahlactus...he'll laugh while busting you up!!

Mari McCabe beats up a fat guy with a stick...oh, and Superman, too...in Action Comics #521 (1981).

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Anatomy Lesson...

...Ed Benes style. Hey, let's start off a conversation by focusing on one of our female members' groinatological area:

Ha! Match that, Lohan! Hey, that was neat. How about a pointless close-up of their chestal areas!! That'll really illustrate the conversation well!!

No way are those real, Jefferson...No, I did not cut off the panel in my scan...that's all Benes' framing there...

It's amazing...it's a 4-page long conversation (?), and Benes' perspective and angles jump around like a hyperactive chimpanzee on Red Bull. People are turned different ways in consecutive panels, close-ups are randomly interspersed with long shots...just looking at it again gave me vertigo!!

So thank you, Ed Benes, for giving us close-up of heroes' clothed private parts. Just because.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Coming Soon From the CW

Everybody's favorite quasi-network, the CW (the same boneheads who canceled Veronica Mars) has something special planned for us.

Just as we have Smallville, focusing ad infinitum on a young Clark Kent who was never Superboy and pouted around like he was part of the cast of Roswell, now the CW is "readying" another can't miss series: The Graysons, which will "follow the world of Dick "DJ" Grayson before he takes on the iconic Robin identity and aligns himself with Batman." Man, I can smell the circus already!!

Since I just know this will be great (please, please please make young Harvey Dent his best friend/rival while constantly giving us ponderous hints to a future you'll never have the balls to show us!!), I'm thinking, why should the CW stop there?? Here's some more ideas:

Rogers: The depressing adventures of skinny Steve Rogers in depression era NY, long before he became Captain America!! His best bud: wacky immigrant trouble maker "Red" Skullinski.

Poor Little Rich Boy: The adventures of Garfield Logan before he became Beast Boy. Surprise: even back then, his favorite color was green!!

Oh, That Savage: The heartwarming adventures of the Neanderthal teenager, before he became immortal and outlived his entire species. Think of it as a caveman 7th Heaven!!

The Osterman Files: The life and times of John Osterman, apprentice watchmaker and nuclear physicist, before he becomes Doctor Manhattan. Bonus: Alan Moore can whine about it and put curses on it, all the while cashing the royalty checks from the increased graphic novel sales the project generates!!

Give me a call, CW...I've got a million of them...

Just Askin'--Dear Abby??

From Supergirl #34 (which launches the the 29th "new direction" since the character was resurrected):

Ah, Lois, way to put journalistic integrity ahead of personal feelings!
Cat Grant, folks, modeling the new 'Power Girl' line of ridiculously inappropriate work attireSo, the Daily Planet puts "Dear Abby" on the op-ed page? Man, Metropolis is such a cow town...

(and before anybody comments that maybe Cat was just ignorant of where Dear Abby appears in the Planet--Cat is the Planet's "Arts and Entertainment correspondent" ((read the credit for the story on page 1 of the comic)), and since that's where just about every big city paper puts the advice column, she should know if it appears there. So either Cat Grant is so incredibly stupid that she doesn't know what features appear in her own section, or the Daily Planet is a cow town paper that prints Dear Abby on the op-ed page, right next to the garage sales ads and recipes. I report, you decide.)