Slay, Monstrobot of the Deep!!

How NOT to remake a high-spirited, swash-buckling action serial:

A) Have 80% of it take place on Earth in a boring small town

B) Set Mongo in a basement somewhere (with railings!) The dimmer the lighting, the better!

C) Have the first 45 minutes be a slow, lame X-Files knock-off, up to and including making Zarkoff a Lone Gunmen

D) Have the first alien we see be a frakkin' Borg rip-off, and then have him do a T2 ripoff with Mom on the phone, WITH THE EXACT SAME TIP-OFF THE T1000 GAVE JOHN CONNER!!)

E) Have Ming be a boring ass businessman...controlling Mongo with hauling fees for water?!?! That's J.R. Ewing, not Ming the Merciless

F) Have our "hero" do nothing particularly heroic the whole movie

G) DON'T HAVE A BLOODY HAWKMAN IN THE WHOLE THING!!

H) Keep using the Queen music the in commercials but not in the actual show

I) Hire lots of Canadian actors who say "aboot"

J) Make all your female leads look exactly alike, so you can't even tell when they pull the old concubine switch

K) Make the whole thing stupider than the stupidest stupid thing in Stupidsylvania