Tales From The Quarter Bin--Meeting Of Legends

So I'm digging through the quarter bin, and I find this:

Wait a minute:

Why the hell didn't anyone tell me this comic existed??

Now, let me tell you something: Beowulf was one weird-ass comic book.

How weird? Writer Michael Uslan and (most of the time) artist Ricardo Villamonte were crafting an odd, genre-bending riff on everybody's favorite freshman English poem, Beowulf.

How genre-bending? Well, after a detour into Hell, Satan (yes, Satan) sends Beowulf on a quest for the magical ingredients (the venom of the "black viper," the "zumak fruit") that will enable him to beat Grendel. Oh, and it also turns out Grendel was working for Satan, too, so maybe he shouldn't have been trusted.

Along the way, Beowulf encounters Atlantis, Ulysses and a minotaur on Crete, von Daniken-style Sumerian space aliens, and heaven knows what else. Oh, and in the last published issue, Grendel kills Satan and takes the throne of Hell.

I know what you're going to say--"I never read any of that in ninth grade!! Those timelines don't make sense!" Well, you see, there's a reason for that--because Beowulf was editing history:

Oh, and leave out the parts about the aliens...You see, the poem Beowulf was authored by a shape-shifting wizard who sent Beowulf after Grendel for mysterious reasons of his own.

But this issue? It takes crazy to a whole new level. We start with Beowulf and crew wandering through some unnamed desert on their quest for the zumak fruit. And, in one of those completely understandable cases of mistaken identity, a cadre of scimitar-wielding, turban-wearing mystery men attack.

Why? Because they assume that Beowulf and crew are really Vlad Tepes and his Transylvanian troops. Because, after all, you often saw Transylvanian warriors in horned helmets, loin cloths, and leopard print bikinis:

(Then again, you probably didn't see many actual Scandinavians wearing that either, but just roll with it.)

After several pages of pointless battle and death, we discover the identity of our mystery assailants:

Yup, for reasons unclear, Dracula is going around some unnamed desert hunting the Lost Tribe Of Israel. I told you this was nuts.

And it gets nutsier--after a few minutes of conversation, we hop back to Daneland, where Grendel and Satan are having a workplace dispute:

So, as a goodwill gesture, Satan teleports Beowulf and a couple of homies back to Hrothgar's mead hall, so we can have a preliminary bout of hero versus monster.

Interlude--the true origins of American idioms, chapter 1:

Grendel shows up, and pulls a Sentry/Ares thing on one of Beowulf's men, comics code style:

Then, Satan teleports Beowulf back to the desert. Don't ask me...just roll with it. Anyhoo, that's exactly when guess-who shows up?

Oh, Vlad, you're so predictable...

Interlude--kids would be a lot more interested in history if only their teachers would tell them the truth:

For the record, she's from Sweden. Because there are lots of Swedish amazons named Nan-Zee.

Finally, we get to the main event:

But we experience a shocking battelus interruptus:

But why? Could it be...SATAN?!?!


Oh, great...Beowulf is responsible for creating vampires. Smooth move, hero.

Interlude--prayers of the lost tribe of Israel:

Next issue:

Grendel versus space aliens.

Like I said, insane comic book. Sadly, it was canceled after issue #6, in the DC Implosion, before they put out enough issues to justify a Showcase Presents. But if you were to put out a trade, DC...guys, I would be all over that.