Two Words

It turns out that every biological, physics, and other scientific question in the universe can be answered with two words.

We start with a mysterious disease plaguing Gotham City. But the mysterious pathogen can't be cured. Why? Because it's "too small" to see with the "most powerful electron microscope in the world," so they can't tell which anti-biotic to use.

Wait a minute, you're saying...that's not how medical treatment works.

Two words, readers: Bob Haney.

So they call in Superman. Why?

Wait a minute, you might protest--that's not how electron microscopes work!! Two words: Bob Haney.

And what does Superman see?


Wait a minute, you exclaim. That's not how microbes work!! Two words, old chums: Bob Haney.

Well, the doctor decides that the only way to kill these "microbes" is to shrink down apply toxins directly to the "germ people", so as to avoid damaging the victims' cells.

Wait a minute, you proclaim! That's not how medicine works. Two words, dear readers: Bob Haney.

But even if they get really really small, the plan wouldn't work, because...

Only atomized particles can be put into a solution to be injected into the human body? Really? Two words: Bob Haney.

So, they call in the Atom, and have the most insane plan ever to make this work:



So the "force field" created by Superman's super-clap will reduce Atom to a powdery molecular form of himself? Yeah, this never happened on House--but House was never written by Bob Haney!!

And you know what?



The stupid plan works! Next step:




I know, I know, it makes not a lick of sense on any level. Just repeat to yourself: Bob Haney.

Meanwhile, Batman is out trying to find the "Typhoid Mary" who has been infecting everyone. And he discovers that each victim had been kissed by Miss Gotham City!!

Unfortunately, Miss Gotham City kicks Batman's ass pretty thoroughly:

Which leads the world's greatest detective to one inescapable conclusion:

Yes, I know that conclusion makes absolutely no sense, and has absolutely no logic. But you know which two words I'm going to say here, don't you? Bob Haney.

And Batman goes on to prove his theory by losing another fight to her, and watching her fall for absolutely no reason onto the third rail in the subway:


Proof?? PROOF?!?!

Now, if you're curious how a microbe turned into human-sized Miss Gotham City, and why her anti-bodies are super-tiny and look like hairy Martian cavemen, and how the heck does a microbe get voted Miss Gotham City anyway, you've come to the wrong book, people, because Bob Haney doesn't dwell on details! (Oh, there is some nonsense about some rock from space--that were "millions of years old, before the Earth formed"--but it's best not to worry about that, because no explanation is really forthcoming)

So it turns out the dunce doctor has completely misdiagnosed everything, and Atom is about to kill the anti-bodies that are actually saving the girl's life! How to stop him??

Well, Superman uses his Kandorian shrink ray to miniaturize himself, but he can't get as small as Atom. But time is running short, and Superman has no time for a microscopic search. So, flying into the girl's body...


Yes, the girl is in critical condition, but Superman squeezes her heart so it beats in Morse Code, sending Atom the message.

Two words, folks: Bob Haney.

You know, people like to talk about how bizarrely fun Axe Cop is, being plotted by a 5-year-old and all. Well, I'm not taking anything away from Axe Cop, because it is great, but Bob Haney has that kid whooped. Because Bob Haney could come up with more bizarre and insane ideas in one issue than a thousand 5-year-olds chained to typewriters and fed only Pixie Sticks and Mountain Dew could come up with in a decade.

All of Bob Haney's teachers and professors hung their heads in shame at their failure to impart basic rules of science to him when they read World's Finest #236 (1976)