Marvel 1985 Week--Avengers #253

Sometimes you get an issue that's merely station-keeping...that essentially is just padding, killing time until the scheduled wrap-up for the storyline. If this issue were from the 21st century, I'd say they were "writing for the trades." But it's not the 21st century, it's 1985:

First, apologies...I've already dealt with this issue a bit before, during The Vision Is Radder Than You Think Week. I'll try not to make this a re-run...but, well, there's not a lot going on in this issue.

Our creators?

We're towards the end of a fairly long arc. The Vision was immobilized by a mysterious forcefield, even though his mind still worked. Starfox (really--Starfox was an Avenger!! True!!) came up with the idea of hooking up the Vision to Isaac, the sentient computer that ran Titan. Bad move.

Isaac, you see, did repair the Vision...but he also increased the Vision's computer intelligence, gave him the ability to subtly influence peoples minds, and convinced the Vision to take over the world. Damn intelligent computers!!.

To that end, Vision became Avengers chairman; influenced people to accept is leadership; managed to get a cooperative line-up of Avengers; established the West Coast Avengers, as a way to expand his influence; and lobbied for a position on the president's Cabinet. He's sent the Avengers off on manufactured missions to keep them busy, and when Dane Whitman (the Black Knight) comes on an unscheduled visit, Vizh locks him up. And now he's ready to use the Comfy Chair of Doom to take over all of Earth's computer networks (such as they were in 1985).

So there's a lot on our plate, here, right? No time for meandering, right? We start out by...

Watching Mockingbird stop a boat of drug runners.

For 3 pages.

Nothing against Mockingbird...but she's not even a member of the East Coasters..she's West Coast, dawg. So why, with so much ready to boil over with the Vision storyline, do we spend 3 pages watching a West Coast Avenger busting up a drug boat?

Well, let's allow Stern and Hall their indulgences. Things will pick up soon, right?

Nope. Next, two pages of a scheduled West Coast Avengers meeting. So pressing is this business that Tigra is doing exercise on the computers:

And Wonder Man debuts his newest super-suit (which, to be fair, is a damned sight better than his safari jacket get-up).

And no business is actually transacted at this meeting, as Hawkeye just stands around fretting that everybody is late. Seriously, none of this has anything to do with anything!!

So, 5 pages in, and not only not a single bit of plot advancement, but not a single appearance by the actual stars of the book.

Now, some of this is understandable pimping of a new franchise. This took place soon after the end of the West Coast Avengers initial mini-series, and soon before their continuing series kicked off. The Westies also guest-starred in several issues of Iron Man during this time frame. So, Marvel was trying to pump them up before their permanent debut. Fair enough.

So, things are going to get better, right?

No.

Vision had sent the Avengers proper out to roust the Blood Brothers at a supposed Thanos outpost. The Avengers whooped them easily enough last issue. And now...we spend 4 pages of watching them clean-up the base.

Seriously.

Well, OK, we do spend a few panels on our heroes pointlessly demonstrating their powers:


And Hercules has to cobble together some new togs after his got trashed in the fight:

And the rest these 4 pages are spent wondering how to imprison the villains, and the army thanking the Avengers for being there, and...nothing. A whole lotta nothing.

OK, we're now 9 pages in, we haven't even seen the Vision, our plot hasn't advanced one iota. Are we ready to get things started yet? Yes, here it comes...



Two pages of exposition!! Two entire pages of watching a hologram of the Vision's head explaining all of the back story to a man held captive in a tube!! Two pages!!! Of course, nothing in the prior nine pages could have been cut or put aside to make room for this, right? Right?!?

So now, 11 pages in, it's time for...

THE COMFY CHAIR OF DOOM!! Yes, we're going to watch the Vision sit in a chair. Whoo-hoo!!

Even Isaac is getting bored with this pacing:

So the Vision enters the (1985 version) of cyberspace:

And takes over the world!! (Finally!)

But there's one fly in the ointment: Quasimodo!!

Quasimodo--the computer created by the Mad Thinker that became sentient!! The Silver Surfer created a body for him!! But he was evil!! His mind was trapped in the Soviet computer systems!! Another full page of exposition!!

Finally, somebody in this issue does something:



Meanwhile, Dane tries to use his psychic link to the Black Sword to free himself:

...which is just an excuse for: SHATNER-ACTING!!

(Eventually, this works before he bursts a blood vessel. Sadly, it takes 2 full pages. But...at least it's two full pages of SHATNER-ACTING!!)
Then, through means completely inexplicable and nonsensical:

Vision somehow casts Quasimodo's intelligence out of the Soviet computer networks and into outer space. Huh?? Is that what happens to my files when I empty the recycle bin??

Anyhoo, the Avengers East and West begin to suss out that something isn't kosher in the Vision's deli:

And as they fly back to NYC, the Vision clues them in:




And there's the end.

That's it. A 2-page battle with Quasimodo...2 pages to take over the Earth...and 18-pages of absolutely nothing. Stopping a drug boat, exercise, fashion, exposition, flexing, and just generally nada.

Now, next issue was Bob Hall's last on the title. And I wonder if something like "let's stretch out the storyline so it coincides with his last issue," or "John Buscema isn't ready to take over yet, vamp for another issue" was at work. Just uniformed speculation on my part. But Roger Stern usually managed to move his stories along with a bit more alacrity...and when you actually read this one, you can't help but feel overwhelmed by the sense of time-killing and padding. Or stretching out one more issue so the story would fill a trade.

Which, by the way, is not to say anything bad about Bob Hall's art. Considering that he has to draw a bunch of people standing around talking, he does a fine job...and his "disembodied" Vision and Quasimodo are especially well-taken.

Back in the day, I remember being a little cheesed off at paying 60¢ for this issue. Little did I know how well I had it. Fact--60¢ in 1985 adjusts, after inflation, to $1.21 in 2010 money, not $3.99. Someone at Marvel owes me a lot of money... (Yes, yes, I know...please spare me the nit-picky comments about paper, printing, blah blah. Trust me, I know. Don't harsh my mellow here).

ELSEWHERE IN THE MARVEL UNIVERSE:

Marvel's other non-mutant team of the day:

Well, maybe not exactly non-mutant. The membership at this point consisted of The Beast, Iceman, Angel, Moondragon, Gargoyle, Valkyrie, and Cloud. So, half the team is mutants who were just hanging around waiting for X-Factor to start up, an ex-Avenger, two Defenders long-termers, and one of the lamest characters ever. I'd say what an odd line-up, but really, what does that mean in the context of the Defenders?

Two points of note: first, it's cool to see a bitchin' Mike Mignola cover of Gargoyle fighting a Lovecraftian beastie. That could be re-purposed to Hellboy pretty easily.

Second, the Defenders would be cancelled within a year.