Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Lois Over Parador

This is not my fault. Blame my loyal readers for the pain you're about to experience.

Back in December, I put up a small post mocking Lois' outfit. But I didn't talk much about the story itself, because I didn't want anyone's head to explode.

Then on Monday, as a lark I posted a letter from a subsequent issue, referring back to that story. I just thought the editor gave one of the patented DC silly answers, and it amused me.

But now EVERYBODY seems to want to know what that story is about. You guys are a masochistic lot.

So prepare yourself for a story that makes less than no sense. A tale, told by Leo Dorfman and Kurt Schaffenberger, that has no beginning, middle or end. A twist that will make your head explode...seriously. So abandon hope, all ye who enter here, because we're taking on Lois Lane #75 (1967), in a tale truthfully titled "The Lady Dictator!"

Once more un to the breach, kidsSomewhat unusually for the day, this was a book-length epic. But that doesn't stop Dorfman (Flounder?) and Schaffenberger from starting in the middle of events, as Superman crashes a pool party. Lois, though, is expecting him:

Superman visits Hef's grotto
All the other women at the pool had 2-piece bathing suits...not modest Lois, thoughIt turns out that Superman has amnesia! Why? We don't know yet! But anyway, Superman found a picture of himself and Lois in his cape, and sought her out. Surely, she will help him remember everything, right?

You're also my obedient love slave...Whaaa? Why would Lois punk her boyfriend like that? Here's why:

This guy is sooo Earth-2 it hurtsYou see, it was Lois who needed the secret identity, because a lame villain named the Maestro has kidnapped her sister, and is forcing her to help in his "Symphony of Crime."

Quick aside: we were always told that Superman couldn't reveal his secret ID, because then all of his friends and loved one would be in jeopardy. But in the Silver Age, weren't Clark's friends the EXACT same set as Superman's? Jimmy Olson, Perry White, Lois Lane...everybody ALREADY knew they were Superman's friends, so hiding that you were Clark wasn't protecting them. And since Ma and Pa Kent were passed away, who the hell was Clark trying to protect??

Anyway, since Lois is being forced to help the Maestro complete his plan (what plan? Where did the amnesia come from? Relax, true believer, we're only 3 pages into the story!), she seals the deal with a dreadful pun, and directs Kal-El to rendezvous with her in a mythical Latin American nation:

Wait until she tells him he's the man of T.O Morrow
I'll avoid the Manzilla jokesWell, when we get there, we discover that the dictator-for-life of Santoro, the famous General Tigre, is none other than Lois herself!!

Method acting, Lois?Santoro could be Spanish for Saint Bull. I'm just sayin'
Confused yet? Good, that might cushion the blow from your head exploding a few paragraphs from now. In an attempt to flatter there fearless leader, a famous artist has crafted a tribute to Lois/Tigre:

Too bad they didn't save this for later issues...Just for fun, let's look at a close-up of how Latin American sculptors dressed in 1967:

Artists are fops in any language, it seemsO...K.....meanwhile, Lois is really getting into her role as dictator, and the peons aren't happy:

Oh, please throw them anyway...Well, it turns out that the statue contained a huge bomb. Which leads us to the infamous panel that led to the questioning letter:

Really...this is the one panel the letter writer objected to...go figureNow, I could have come up with 17 better answers than "he won a one peso raffle," not limited to: A) This particular revolutionary wasn't poor B) it was a family heirloom C) it was stolen D) it was purchased with the coins Lois tossed to the crowd E) the peons pooled their money, because if you're staging a revolution, you damned well need to know what time it is. But no, Mort Weisinger went for the "one peso raffle." Sigh...

Anyway, confused Superman saves the day, and the artist and his family are arrested and to be executed. Yay!

Or not. Lois has no choice but to comply with Maestro's plan (what plan?!?! patience, padawan...) because it's not just Lucy he holds captive, but her parents, too. And he proves to be an early version of the Psycho Pirate, with a keyboard that can project emotions onto people:

Previewing 80's pop music 20 years early

Lucy Lane's O face?You decide which relative's emotions are scariest. Plus, note the foreshadowing. Hey, what about the real General Tigre? Where's she been this whole time?

This plot makes less and less sense every time i read it...Wait a minute...wasn't that Lois' face on the coins and the statue? If she and Tigre don't look anything alike...no, stop thinking, it can only hurt you here.

Now, we're finally getting close to unveiling Maestro's plan. Don't get your hopes up, we're not there yet...but there is discernible progress:

That so belongs in the batcave
Even his own men can't follow the plot..
Every villain's cave has a portable x-ray generatorNow, note some more wonderful foreshadowing:

Gee, will this come into play later??

loius is preparing for her Peter Parker auditionsSo, this whole shebang--setting up Lois to pose as a famous dictator whom she looks nothing like, manipulating Superman's mysterious amnesia--is all to get Superman to x-ray vision a big ass gem, and make things blow up. Why? Hang on, crew, we're getting there...you can't rush Leo Dorfman!!

Back to business. Remember the artist who was to be executed? Well, guess who gets to pull the trigger?

Another Santoran custom: giving loaded weapons to people who can just shoot you and free their familyStunningly, Lois passes the buck to the Man of Steal, who whines like a little girl:

Superman needing a gun is like the Hulk needing one...oh, wait...

Couldn't he just tell her to F off?
Pretty good shot for never having used a gunIt's a fake, right? Nope:

Captions never lieI just have to comment here: even if he does have amnesia, Superman is being a total puss. Is there some reason he HAS to obey Lois' orders? Yeah, he maybe thinks he's evil, but why would puny human Lois be the boss? He's totally whipped...he just whines and whines while doing whatever Lois says...

Now, get ready...we're nearing the exploding head portion of our story. Superman x-rays the gem, and destroys the massing rebel troops.

A DC hero with a code against killing? How 1960s
This is clearly from Lois and Clark's BDSM fantasies
Why, who could this possibly kill??Are you ready for the Maestro's real plan? Brace yourself:

Wait a minute...if he has amnesia, how does he even know he's American?Yeah, because that worked out so well for Cuba...but before Superman can thwart the scheme:

Gold kryptonite? Geoff Johns' approves!!
What a pair of pathetic losersWell, that's it. Superman's a murderer and permanently depowered, Lois helped destroy him, the U.S. is doomed. Game Over!

Uh, no.

Now, I've got to warn you. If you have a weak heart, or recent head trauma, you might want to log off right now. Because this next panel is going to cause intense cranial pressure resulting in a Scanners-like explosion:

?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!??!!?!?!?!?HUH?? WHAT?!?!?! WHO? HOW??? I DON'T----BLAMMMM!

Damn you, DORFMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I did warn you.

Yes, DC back in 1967 gave us the first "flash forward," albeit into a hypothetical future. This story was its own Elseworlds. And so now Dorfman shows us what "really" happened (remember all our foreshadowing):

It's like Wayne's World doing the Scooby Doo ending
Memo to villains: always lock your keyboards
And how, exactly, does Lois have these memories to transmit?
Seriously...this is Superman's woosiest story EVERHey, what about the amnesia?!?! Anyway, Lois' scheme (which conveniently involved making her boyfriend cry) results in a restoration of all things good, and the undeniably turn-on of seeing Lois lead a popular rebellion:

...except those supported by Uncle Sam!!
Am I wrong to think that lois looks ultra-hot here?Afterwards, we FINALLY find out why Superman had amnesia--the Maestro had tried to control him with his "emotion organ" (ewww), but it couldn't overcome Kryptonian invulnerability, and instead just wiped his memory. Yeah, right.

So, all's well that ends well, and--hey, wait a minute!! What about the family Superman shot to death?

They're fairly cavalier about Superman executing them...
We tried to kill you, and now we believe you when you say you're our friend??
Super-aim...this guy has more powers than J'onn J'onzzPhew, that was a close one!!

So, yeah, Chris, the peons/watch problem was hardly the most pressing problem in Lois Lane #75. We had the birth of a new literary device, ridiculously convoluted story-telling, lame cop outs, stunning outfits...You see, when you read about everybody doing drugs in the 60s, this kind of proves that's true, because the readers really had no qualms except about the watch and a bullfighting scene (which I omitted for you, you're welcome). One letter writer did declare "the Maestro is a better villain than Luthor and Brainiac combined."

Don't do drugs, kids. And don't do flash forwards, either.



And if I ever do a post this long again, just shoot me, OK?

8 comments:

De said...

Would 12 cents buy one a kick in the balls back in 1967?

Anonymous said...

Just shoot you, eh? I think you're just hoping for a bag of gold coins. :)

Kyle said...

Is it just me, or did the Maestro look strangely similar to (Captain Marvel's nemesis) Dr. Sivana? In the one closeup shot we see of him (right after Supes offs the peasant artiste), those glasses and that weird smile look almost like a copy of rival Fawcett's arch-villain.

Maxo said...

But ... but ...

Unknown said...

Well now, D.C's teasers weren't the first time superman cried after all.

snell said...

Kyle--yeah, i noticed the resemblance. Coincidence? Or basing your villain's appearance on one who wasn't being published anymore (at the time)?

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I love a woman in uniform.

Awesome write up. This issue does Silver Age DC proud!