Thursday, January 24, 2013

Ask Monstrobot--Who's Afraid Of Dinosaurs, Anyway?

Dear Monstrobot:

As a red-blooded American male, I have to ask--why is everybody so scared of dinosaurs?

I mean, Jurassic Park was cool and all, but those micro-brained, tiny-armed losers couldn't even survive a simple extinction event! How could they ever hope to succeed against a whole speices of extinction-events--mankind?!?


Dude: You are an idiot.

Now, for the record, I'm not a dinosaur. I a robot monster (or a monster gets confusing sometimes). So I really don't have a dog in this fight.

Still, I think one thing is crystal clear: you humans would get your ass kicked pretty hard.

Now, earthly experiments to prove this are difficult, as man and dinosaur never co-existed, no matter what Michael Crichton and Stephen Spielberg tried to sell you.

Fortunately, there are other little playgrounds where we can test your ridiculous hypothesis. Take, for example, Sirius, the Dog Star (well, technically, on a planet circling that star--human comic book writers have always been kind of dim about the correct designation of astrological bodies).

Very full-of-himself American scientist Zeke "Pussycat" Jones hopped aboard a "satellite" to answer a distress call. And what did he find?

Now you're in for it, Jones!!

Ah, we have to love that patronizing attitude--putting down women AND everyone on Sirius in one word balloon!!

Ah, but he will learn:

Man, this guy really, really needs to be slapped.

And then, he completely rips off The Hunger Games:


It's only a temporary solution, though, as the dinosaur army begins its final assault!

And as for mocking their tiny arms?


Fortunately, Pussycat Jones is a scientist (sort of). And since Sirius, despite having the means to steal satellites and transmit messages to Earth, has not invented air flight (or explosives!!), he use good old Earth know-how to scuttle the dinosaurs!

OK, genocide is definitely cheating.

Still, now I think you know why all the bees on Earth are vanishing--the dinosaurs are serreptitiuosly taking them out, clearing away the only obstacle blocking their big return.

So, in brief, prepare to die, humans.


From Forbidden Worlds #36 (1955)


Unknown said...

What was the dust that only killed dinosaurs but not humans (and presumably nothing else as they would have to eat etc)?

Bet it was superstingoreptiphobic dust. What else?

Gary said...

Man, that picture of the dinosaur reacting to the bee stings deserves to become an internet meme all of it's own!

snell said...

Sorry, I wasn't clear, Chris. Pussycat decided (using science!), that the dinosaur wasn't merely allergic to bees, but that the bees were poisonous to all dinosaurs! So he had the Sirians kill all their honeybees, drain their glands, do a chemical analysis, and then synthesized enough "bee extract" to wipe out the reptiles.