Wednesday, February 28, 2018

How Brainiac-5 "Invented" The Time Bubble!!

Look, you didn't really believe that the Legion of Super-Heroes' Brainiac-5 invented the Legion's "time bubble" all by himself, did you?

Nope! Today our special investigative report reveals the startling truth!!

Our tale begins in Kid Eternity #2 (1946), when Kid Eternity confronts criminal Dr. Marko, working on his latest invention:


Gee, this all seems familiar to me...

After the Kid thwarts the evil scientist's plans...


Say, about 1,000 years in the future?!?!

Say, the 30th or 31st century?!?

Where a certain green-skinned scientist "knows how to use its vast powers"?!?!?!

Now, of course Brainy would never admit that a fully functional time machine just appeared on his doorstep one day, and he merely claimed credit for it. Especially since the "Time Bubble" was invented by a mere 20th century human--and a criminal, at that. And double especially since it was sent to the future by a supernatural being from the afterlife.

Of course, if he were being rational, Brainy would realize that it was impossibly coincidental that a time machine identical to the one he "invented" just happened to be thrown into the far future and never turned up anywhere else.

Case closed.

All of which goes to further my case that Kid Eternity should join the Legion Of Super-Heroes...

Dial E For Eternity--Civil War II!!

I know we shouldn't pick on him too hard because he's a kid and all,but sometimes Kid Eternity is just pretty damn stupid.

We start as Kid meets someone famous in Eternity...

Ulysses S. Grant!!

And so begins the exposition dump...

Now, the obvious solution should have occurred to you by now. Just hold that thought, though, as Kid has some more background to batter us with...

Well, that was easy enough!

So Grant accompanies Kid and Mr. Keeper to Earth. And it is total war!!


Anyway, a surprising amount of 1946 plantation employees are able to recognize Ulysses S. Grant on sight...maybe their were all paid in $50 bills?

See what I mean?

Surprise--Dale is a butthead, and doesn't cotton to talking things out...

So how to help the wounded?

Florence Nightingale!!

And then we learn the danger of sending a military man in as your negotiator: he sees every problem as having a military solution!

You've just made things worse, Kid!!

Surely Dale will surrender, in the face of such a threat?

No, because Dale is a butthead.

Still, rather than try to reign in Grant, Kid does about the stupidest things he could do...

Robert E. Lee?!?!

Oh, dear.

Clearly, in modern times Lee is a much more...controversial...figure than he was in those days. Indeed, back then many chose to portray as a noble warrior in a noble lost cause. Some even argued that Lee was greater than Lincoln, as this snippet from Superior Stories #3 (1955) shows:


Today, of course, that tide has shifted for many, and Kid probably wouldn't get away with summoning Lee.

Not to mention of course, by bringing in another super-general, you're just going to increase the fighting and bloodshed!

Great. What are you going to do now, Kid?!?

Abraham Lincoln!!

Well, Lincoln has a good idea--have Kid use his powers the way he should have in the first place!!

Foster Carden!!

Look, Kid, this is the second time you've faced a similar problem, and not thought of this until the end. Can we make a rule? If some knowledge from a recently deceased person could solve the problem...THE FIRST THING YOU SHOULD DO IS SUMMON THAT PERSON!!

Anyway, Abe's very presence is enough to stop everyone from fighting!

Yeah, Abe has star power!!

And Dad resolves everything.

And so begins the long parade of Civil War reenactors back to Eternity...

Well, that's the 20th Kid Eternity adventure...let's look at our standings so far:

Achilles 1
Antony, Marc 1
Atlas 2
Attila The Hun 1
Barry's father 1
Bernhardt, Sarah 1
Bertillon, Alphonse 1
Blackhawk 1
Boone, Daniel 1
Bunyan, Paul 2
Byron, George Gordon 1
Caesar, Octavian 1
Canary, Martha “Calamity” 1
Cannon, John W. 1
Carden, Foster 1
Cherry Sisters 1
Clancy, Patrick 1
Cody, “Buffalo” Bill 1
Columbus 1
Corbett, Jim 1
Custer, George Armstrong 1
de Leon, Ponce 1
Decatur, Stephen 1
Dockstader, Lew 1
Don Quixote 1
Emery 1
Galahad 1
Grant, Ulysses S. 1
Greb, Harry 1
Griffiths, Albert 1
Hercules 1
Hickok, Wild Bill 1
Holmes, Sherlock 1
Houdini 2
Hyer, Tom 1
Jackson, Andrew 1
Jeffries, Jim 1
Khan, Genghis 1
Kidd, William 1
King Arthur 1
Leander 1
Lee, Robert E. 1
Lincoln, Abraham 1
Marable, Fate 1
Mercury 3
Murphy, Charles 1
Napoleon 1
Nation, Carrie 1
Nightingale, Florence 1
Noah 1
Nobody 1
Osceola 1
Paddock, Charley 1
Pheidippides 1
Pinkerton, Allan 1
Plastic Man 1
Porthos 1
Prometheus 1
Robin Hood 1
Russell, Lillian 1
Samson 2
Sandow, Eugen 1
Schleyer, Johann 1
Solomon 1
Sullivan, John L. 1
Tell, William 1
Thor 1
Thurston, Howard 1
Tiglath IV 1
Tut-ankh-amen 1
Twain, Mark 1
Vercingetorix 1
Washington, George 1
Webster, Daniel 1
Zbyzko, Stanislaus 1

NEXT--Pogo the one-eyed cat?!?

Tuesday, February 27, 2018

The Deadliest Prank!

We all love the Prankster, right? A mostly harmless goofy genius, who uses his talent for gags and practical jokes to befuddle and bewilder Superman (and make some coin for himself in the process)?

What everyone forgets, though, is that in his first appearance, Prankster was as bloodthirsty as the Joker!

The Prankster's boys have been pulling jobs all over Metropolis (and getting away with it thanks to Prankster's cleverly-planned escapes). He's trying to amass enough money to finance his "Big Job," but his underlings want to cash out now...


After successfully pulling off the "big job"--and it really is quite a clever scheme--it's time to split the loot!

Well, Superman has disguised himself as one of the thugs, so he saves Lois and the rest.

But lethal gas!?!? Prankster is no fun doofus--he's a mass-murdering pyscopath!!

Things were rougher than we thought in the Golden Age, is all I'm saying.

From Action Comics #51 (1942)