Friday, August 31, 2018

When Holland Won The Speed Wars!!

From Speed Comics #4 (1940):

Woo, Holland!! Your air advantage will never be overcome!!

Text and art by Larry "Ace" Shaw.

Dial E For Eternity--Wait, Adam Was A Time Lord?!?!?

Strap yourselves in kiddies, because the latest Kid Eternity text piece takes us...



 Some thoughts after page 1:

A) Now, this story is in the exact same story as the tale we covered last time--Kid Eternity tangling with prehistoric creatures and cavemen.

Granted, this one is easily distinguishable, as it involves time travel, and not shepherding a dumb explorer. Still, at the very least this is an editing failure, right? Why not run this piece in another issue, or in the Kid Eternity comic? Perhaps a sign that the text pieces were more of an afterthought than anything else...?

B) After my kvetching about it taking forever for Kid to get involved in these text pieces, BOOM--Kid and Keeper are right there in the first paragraph.

But in keeping with the apparent limitations of the format, there's little time for developing guest stars, or Kid interacting much with any human cast. Heck, it takes a full half page just to get to the "hey, let's do this" stage.

C) Of course if you were a kid with powers over time and space, you'd want to travel back to prehistoric times!! It's pretty obvious!!

And bonus points to the story for being less scientifically illiterate than other of the genre. No cavemen cavorting with dinosaurs here!! And I really wish this story were illustrated, just to see Kid getting treed by an elephant-sized ground sloth!!

On to page 2, were things get very, very weird:


Wait, wait, wait.

Let's start with the minor thing--Kid shouldn't be that awed by our primitive ancestors, as he's summoned cavemen twice before.

Nice descriptions of the "strange man-like creatures," though.

And then came the part that rocks the series to its theological foundations!

Adam!! Yes, THAT Adam!!

So, wait...Adam "regenerates"?? He's a Time Lord?!?!

Doctor Who jokes aside, what the hell does that even mean? "I have gone through many regenerations, as all mankind has..."

Does that mean Adam used to look like these cavemen? But now he "looks modern"?? Does he "change" whenever humanity does? In, say 4258, would Adam have a big head and atrophied limbs? Could Kid have summoned a different version of Adam?!?!

All of which is just dancing around the big question: is this story actually embracing both the Genesis story of creation and evolution?!? Is it actually saying that when man was created, they were "man-like troglodytes?" Or did God (or whoever is in charge of this Eternity business) pull a Celestials, and elevate a pre-existing race of creatures ("the forerunners of the human race") into "modern" homo sapiens?

And if Adam is "modern," why do the cavemen listen to him, or recognize him? Why don't they treat him like they did Kid Eternity?

Man, that's a lot of heavy thought for a throwaway two-pager!!

Staggering theological implications aside, this was the 53rd Kid Eternity story, and the standings are:

Abu 1
Achilles 4
Adam 1
Antony, Marc 2
Apollo 1
Aramis 1
Arnold, Benedict 1
Arthur, King 2
Astor, John Jacob 1
Athos 1
Atlas 3
Attila The Hun 1
Attucks, Crispin 1
Baker, Lafayette 1
Barry's father 1
Barton, Clara 1
Bernhardt, Sarah 1
Bertillon, Alphonse 1
Blackhawk 1
Bluebeard 1
Bolivar, Simon 1
Boone, Daniel 1
Bowie, Jim 1
Boyd, Belle 1
Brady, Diamond Jim 1
Breitbart, Zishe 1
Bucephalus 2
Bunyan, Paul 3
Byron, George Gordon 2
Caesar, Octavian 1
Cagliostro, Alessandro 1
Calhoun, John C. 1
Canary, Martha “Calamity” 1
Cannon, John W. 1
Capulet, Juliet 1
Carden, Foster 1
Carpenter, Daniel 1
Cherry Sisters 1
Christian, Fletcher 1
Clancy, Patrick 1
Cleopatra 1
Cody, “Buffalo” Bill 2
Colt, Samuel 1
Columbus, Christopher 2
Corbett, Jim 3
Crockett, Davy 1
Cronson, Gerald 1
Crusoe, Robinson 1
Custer, George Armstrong 1
D'artagnan 2
de Bergerac, Cyrano 1
de Leon, Ponce 1
de Rais, Gilles 1
Decatur, Stephen 1
Discus Thrower 1
Dockstader, Lew 1
Dracula 1
Drake, Sir Francis 1
Dupin, C. Auguste 1
Edison, Thomas 1
Emery 1
Ericson, Leif 2
Frankenstein's Monster 1
Franklin, Ben 1
Galahad 1
Geronimo 2
Goliath 1
Gotch, Frank 1
Gothicus, Claudius 1
Grant, Ulysses S. 1
Greb, Harry 1
Griffiths, Albert 1
Gulliver, Lemuel 1
Hamilton, Alexander 1
Hatfield, John 1
Hauser, Kaspar 1
Henry, Patrick 1
Hercules 2
Hermann, Alexander 1
Hickathrift, Tom 1
Hickok, Wild Bill 1
Hippocrates 1
Holmes, Sherlock 3
Hopkins, Matthew 1
Houdini, Harry 3
Houston, Sam 1
Hyde, Edward 1
Hyer, Tom 1
Jackson, Andrew 1
James, Jesse 1
Javert 1
Jeffries, Jim 1
Jones, John Paul 1
Jove 2
Khan, Genghis 2
Kidd, William 1
Lafayette, General 1
Lancelot 1
Laughing Cavalier 1
Leander 3
Lee, Robert E. 1
Legree, Simon 1
Leonidas 1
Light Brigade 1
Lincoln, Abraham 1
Lister, Joseph 2
Marable, Fate 1
Masterson, Bat 1
Mercury 4
Milo Of Croton 2
Minutemen 1
Mix, Tom 1
Montague, Romeo 1
Montezuma 1
Morgan, Henry 1
Mulgrew, Jason 1
Murphy, Charles 1
Napoleon 1
Nation, Carrie 1
Neanderthal 1
Neptune 1
Nightingale, Florence 1
Noah 1
Nobel, Alfred 1
Nobody 1
Nostradamus 2
O'Brien, David 1
Oakley, Annie 1
Og 1
Osceola 1
Paddock, Charley 1
Pasteur, Louis 1
Penelope 1
Perseus 1
Pheidippides 1
Pinkerton, Allan 1
Plastic Man 1
Porthos 2
Post, Wiley 1
Prometheus 1
Quixote, Don 1
Revere, Paul 1
Richard the LionHeart 1
Rin-Tin-Tin 2
Robespierre, Maximilien 1
Robin Hood 3
Roc 1
Rogers' Rangers 1
Russell, Lillian 1
Rustum 1
Ryan, Paddy 1
Samson 2
Sandow, Eugen 1
Sayers, Tom 1
Schleyer, Johann 1
Serra, Junipero 1
Siegfried 1
Silver, Long John 2
Skunk, Jimmy 1
Socrates 1
Solomon 1
Steinmetz, Charles 1
Sullivan, John L. 2
Tecumseh 1
Tell, William 1
Thalfi 1
Thor 2
Thumb, Tom 1
Thurston, Howard 1
Tiglath IV 1
Tuck, Friar 1
Tut-ankh-amen 1
Twain, Mark 1
Ulysses 1
Uncas 1
Vercingetorix 1
Villa, Pancho 1
Villon, Francois 1
Vulcan 1
Washington, George 3
Watson, John H 1
Webster, Daniel 2
Xanthippe 1
Zbyzko, Stanislaus 1

NEXT--The only good reporter is a DEAD reporter!!

From Hit Comics #51 (1948)

Thursday, August 30, 2018

In Case You're Lost!!

There's nothing better in a comic than a good old cutaway map/blueprints.

So when they give you a map of Hades, well, you'd better pay attention!

Bonus points for including the pronunciation guide!!

From Sensation Comics #46 (1945)

Gee, I Wonder Why This Relationship Never Worked Out?!?

Spy Ferva Shayne has decided there's only one way to get Wonder Woman out of the way:

Marry her off!!

But how to get her to finally accept Steve Trevor's overtures?

Oh, dear.

So Ferva puts her plan into action!

Well, if a woman breaks into my crib, point two (!) pistols at me, and proceeds to give me romantic advice, I'm damn well going to listen!


And what do you know...it works!!

And Diana Prince isn't the only one impressed by the new Steve...


Oh, Diana...


OK, Steve, now you're getting into creepy territory.

The Amazon is conflicted...


Well, after lots of running around and spy-busting and dance lessons...


Sigh...

Don't ever change, William Marston!

From Sensation Comics #46 (1945)

Wednesday, August 29, 2018

Dial E For Eternity--The Remake Is Never As Good!

Well, I'll just warn you ahead of time--this Kid Eternity story sucks.

First of all, it's essentially a re-run, reusing the exact same premise they'd used in an earlier story.

Secondly, it's told really poorly: confusing art, significant plot developments taking place off-panel, stuff that's never explained, and a crazy rush to finish the story.

And finally, well, we've got a bit of terribly offensive stereotyping.

Still, I set myself the task of documenting every Kid Eternity story, and I can't shirk my duty just because some stories are bad or distasteful. With great blogging comes great responsibility.

Don't worry, though--the next tale is substantially better, even though it is the exact same story (sort of)!!

We begin with young Bill Watkins looking to make his mark in the field of "ethnology":


Now, I know what you're expecting--the hot-shit eager young man rejecting a "stuffy" teaching job, but when he experiences all the dangers out there, he's more than willing to settle for the boring life.

Nah, this story has nowhere near that much imagination.

So young Indiana Jones here goes to Brazil...

The "evil" Brazilian jungle? Evil?!? Really?

And then, for no particular reason, Kid Eternity shows up.

So you've been following him for 15 days...just in case he ran into trouble? Umm...how many folks really needed your help in that time, Kid?!?

Cannibal? Really, Keeper?

Yes, really...


The camp may be "surrounded" by headhunters, but we only ever see this one.

And whom does Kid call upon?

Geronimo!! This is his second appearance...but this time, it's a particularly stereotyped portrayal:

Sigh...

Plus, you're giving us Apaches vs. headhunters...but you never actually show the fight?!? Lame...

Kid explains--mostly off-panel--why he's there:

Fortunately, there's a convenient map?!?

So wait...who made the map? Why didn't they publicize this amazing find more? How can there be a map if "no one has ever found his way up there?"

Then, between panels...

So, for no particular reasons, the bearers just took off. OK.

So after finding the "secret passage":


Yeah, yeah. Kid already found a preserve prehistoric world hidden atop a mountain. What's the big deal about this one?


Uh, Kid, have you ever heard about the birds and the bees? These guys probably aren't millions of years old. They probably just kept breeding.

And what kind of grades did you get, Mr. Ethnologist, to believe "something in the climate" made them immortal?

And then they're chased by the oddest looking dinosaurs ever...



But there's more than just reptiles here...


So, um...a pool of pitch? Why, exactly, are they going to throw this guy into a pool of pitch?

Anyway, this is a job for...

Robin Hood!! This is the outlaw's third appearance, putting him into an increasingly crowded tie for second place.

But what exactly does "my shafts favor neither friend nor foe" mean?!? I would hope that you're not shooting arrows at friends too often! Just shoot the damn cavemen!!

DAAAAAAMN!!

Still, was this story written by a drug-addled chimpanzee? What in the world does "before the others come to life" mean?!? I'm sure it's just an artless metaphor for "before they leap into action," and not "these cavemen aren't alive, but they're about to be!"

See, when you've got a story with Robin Hood shooting cavemen in the chest with arrows, and you have me focusing instead on your indecipherable dialogue, that's a problem.

Then, the least exciting chase sequence in history:



Wow, the tension...

And then there's this...


When your characters are too busy to see the end of a fight with a saber-tooth tiger fighting a giant snake, you're doing your story wrong!

Even better, you didn't set up camp very well, because...

D'oh!!

Well, they wake up in yet another cave:



Wait...YOU HAD A GUN THIS ENTIRE TIME?!?! Why in the hell are you running from creatures and letting cavemen capture you when you have a gun?!?!!?!?!

Anyway, it turns out that cavemen are actually pretty advanced architects!!

They built bleachers?!? A coliseum?!?!

It might be "bigger than six elephants," but that's about all we'll ever see of the creature--rip-off!!!

Look, there's only one page left in the story, so we'd better throw in some quick summons and wrap things up without actually resolving anything!!

Thor!! This is your second summons, even though you look precisely nothing like any version of Thor we've ever seen...


Apollo!! This is his debut appearance!!

And that leaves just one panel to tie everything up in a bow!

You're damn right, Bill! Does anyone believe that Watkins will survive three seconds on his own?

Meh, crappy story. Let's move along.

After 52 stories, the Kid Eternity Summoning Roster looks like this:

Abu 1
Achilles 4
Antony, Marc 2
Apollo 1
Aramis 1
Arnold, Benedict 1
Arthur, King 2
Astor, John Jacob 1
Athos 1
Atlas 3
Attila The Hun 1
Attucks, Crispin 1
Baker, Lafayette 1
Barry's father 1
Barton, Clara 1
Bernhardt, Sarah 1
Bertillon, Alphonse 1
Blackhawk 1
Bluebeard 1
Bolivar, Simon 1
Boone, Daniel 1
Bowie, Jim 1
Boyd, Belle 1
Brady, Diamond Jim 1
Breitbart, Zishe 1
Bucephalus 2
Bunyan, Paul 3
Byron, George Gordon 2
Caesar, Octavian 1
Cagliostro, Alessandro 1
Calhoun, John C. 1
Canary, Martha “Calamity” 1
Cannon, John W. 1
Capulet, Juliet 1
Carden, Foster 1
Carpenter, Daniel 1
Cherry Sisters 1
Christian, Fletcher 1
Clancy, Patrick 1
Cleopatra 1
Cody, “Buffalo” Bill 2
Colt, Samuel 1
Columbus, Christopher 2
Corbett, Jim 3
Crockett, Davy 1
Cronson, Gerald 1
Crusoe, Robinson 1
Custer, George Armstrong 1
D'artagnan 2
de Bergerac, Cyrano 1
de Leon, Ponce 1
de Rais, Gilles 1
Decatur, Stephen 1
Discus Thrower 1
Dockstader, Lew 1
Dracula 1
Drake, Sir Francis 1
Dupin, C. Auguste 1
Edison, Thomas 1
Emery 1
Ericson, Leif 2
Frankenstein's Monster 1
Franklin, Ben 1
Galahad 1
Geronimo 2
Goliath 1
Gotch, Frank 1
Gothicus, Claudius 1
Grant, Ulysses S. 1
Greb, Harry 1
Griffiths, Albert 1
Gulliver, Lemuel 1
Hamilton, Alexander 1
Hatfield, John 1
Hauser, Kaspar 1
Henry, Patrick 1
Hercules 2
Hermann, Alexander 1
Hickathrift, Tom 1
Hickok, Wild Bill 1
Hippocrates 1
Holmes, Sherlock 3
Hopkins, Matthew 1
Houdini, Harry 3
Houston, Sam 1
Hyde, Edward 1
Hyer, Tom 1
Jackson, Andrew 1
James, Jesse 1
Javert 1
Jeffries, Jim 1
Jones, John Paul 1
Jove 2
Khan, Genghis 2
Kidd, William 1
Lafayette, General 1
Lancelot 1
Laughing Cavalier 1
Leander 3
Lee, Robert E. 1
Legree, Simon 1
Leonidas 1
Light Brigade 1
Lincoln, Abraham 1
Lister, Joseph 2
Marable, Fate 1
Masterson, Bat 1
Mercury 4
Milo Of Croton 2
Minutemen 1
Mix, Tom 1
Montague, Romeo 1
Montezuma 1
Morgan, Henry 1
Mulgrew, Jason 1
Murphy, Charles 1
Napoleon 1
Nation, Carrie 1
Neanderthal 1
Neptune 1
Nightingale, Florence 1
Noah 1
Nobel, Alfred 1
Nobody 1
Nostradamus 2
O'Brien, David 1
Oakley, Annie 1
Og 1
Osceola 1
Paddock, Charley 1
Pasteur, Louis 1
Penelope 1
Perseus 1
Pheidippides 1
Pinkerton, Allan 1
Plastic Man 1
Porthos 2
Post, Wiley 1
Prometheus 1
Quixote, Don 1
Revere, Paul 1
Richard the LionHeart 1
Rin-Tin-Tin 2
Robespierre, Maximilien 1
Robin Hood 3
Roc 1
Rogers' Rangers 1
Russell, Lillian 1
Rustum 1
Ryan, Paddy 1
Samson 2
Sandow, Eugen 1
Sayers, Tom 1
Schleyer, Johann 1
Serra, Junipero 1
Siegfried 1
Silver, Long John 2
Skunk, Jimmy 1
Socrates 1
Solomon 1
Steinmetz, Charles 1
Sullivan, John L. 2
Tecumseh 1
Tell, William 1
Thalfi 1
Thor 2
Thumb, Tom 1
Thurston, Howard 1
Tiglath IV 1
Tuck, Friar 1
Tut-ankh-amen 1
Twain, Mark 1
Ulysses 1
Uncas 1
Vercingetorix 1
Villa, Pancho 1
Villon, Francois 1
Vulcan 1
Washington, George 3
Watson, John H 1
Webster, Daniel 2
Xanthippe 1
Zbyzko, Stanislaus 1


NEXT--Madam, I'm Adam!!

From Hit Comics #51 (1947)