All Of This Has happened Before, And All of This Will Happen Again!

A new magician is taking the country by storm!!

Well, what's next for the great Zemu?

Wait...

This all feels familiar, somehow...

But there's more to Zemu than meets the eye:

YOW!!!

By the way...what the hell?

See, all of his magic was just advanced Saturnian science!!

Fortunately, Doctor Droom (later retconned into Dr. Druid, for reasons I never understood...) is on the case:

Earth is saved!! Well, at least one state in the US. of A. is saved (California, right? It had to be California!)!

But then we get the moral/info dump:

See, this is why the Droom/Druid thing never made a lot of sense. Droom explicitly rejected magic. Meanwhile, Druid, by his very name, was all about the magic. Sure, he still had the mental abilities, but they were "activated" for him by the Ancient One, and he used "Druid magic rituals," and summoned Celtic gods, and used relics created by Agamotto. Droom was Scully, Druid was Mulder.

Anyway, always check to see if the politician making fantastical promises is really from Saturn, is all I'm saying.

From Amazing Adventures #3 (1961)

Tales From The Quarter Bin--The True Origin Of Modern Art!!

It's 1962, and Joshua Carstairs is the hottest thing on the modern art scene!!

Some people are a teensy bit jealous, though...

Ah, but why rely on talent, when you can rely on...CRIME!!!

Fortunately, our jerk overhears a telling conversation:

Well, when he breaks into the home, and forces the locked door...

Oh, tragic irony!!

The pencils and inks in this story, by the way, are Gene Colan, who rocked even then.

"Hey, my kid could draw that!" is from Strange Tales #97 (1962), as reprinted in Weird Wonder Tales #21 (1977). I deliberately cut out the parts in the '77 reprint where the art was altered to work in Dr. Druid, because Marvel was trying to make Dr. Druid happen back then. You're welcome.

Manic Monday--This One's From The Ladies

I've made no secret of my belief that Doctor Druid was clearly THE WORST AVENGER EVER!!

But I'm apparently not the only one who feels that way. There's a back-up feature in Avengers West Coast Annual #4 (1989) by Mark Gruenwald and Amanda Connor (!!), where-in The Wasp and She-Hulk "rate the hunkiness" of every male Avenger ever (up to that point, of course) on a 1 to 10 scale.

Yes, seriously.

Anyway, when they get to Anthony Druid, well, they're pretty darn harsh:

That's worth blowing up. Janet says:

And Jennifer adds:

Ouch. Harsh, ladies!

So, proof positive: Doctor Druid was the worst Avenger ever. Case closed.

Oh, since you're no doubt curious, here's their rankings of the other Avengers, with the Wasp's opinion denoted by a W and She-Hulk's by an S:

Thor: W 10, S 10 (Jan: "Godhunk of Thunder")
Iron Man: W 9, S 7 (but Jan knows what he looks like under the mask, Jennifer doesn't...)
Captain America: W 10, S 8 (Jan: "Human beings can't get any yummier than him")
Quicksilver: W 6, S 4 (Jan: "A real Sean Penn type")
Hawkeye: W 8, S 6 (She-Hulk: "He's got a cute tush")
Hercules: W 7, S 10 (She-Hulk: "Herc is even hunkier than Thor, and he really knows how to party!")
Black Panther: W 9, S 8 (Jan: "Talk about animal magnetism!")
Vision: W 3, S 1 (She-Hulk: "Toasters are fine, but who'd ever want to marry one?")
Black Knight: W 7, S 5 (She-Hulk: "A bit of a stiff.")
Falcon: W 7, S 5 (Jan: "He's got a subtle coolness.")
Wonder Man: W 8, S 7 (She-Hulk: "Those eyes of his really turn me off!")
Starfox: W 8, S 6 (She-Hulk: "You never know if you like him as much as you think you do, or if he's manipulating you.")
Namor: W 6, S 8 (She-Hulk: "I wish the rest of the Avengers had his taste in costumes!")
Reed Richards: W 9, S 4 (Wasp: "I've always had a thing for brainy older men who smoke pipes")
Gilgamesh: W 7, S 7 (Wasp: "He has to do something about that silly name and his taste in clothes.")
U.S. Agent: W 3, S 5 (Wasp: "There's something off about him...")
Quasar: W 6, S 6 (She-Hulk: "Younger guys may be Cher's cup of tea, but not mine.")

They don't rate the Swordsman because he's dead...they don't do Hank Pym because Jan would feel weird rating him, and ditto for Jennifer not rating her cousin the Hulk. That's everybody, so...

Hey, wait a minute!! Where the hell is Hank McCoy?? Where is the Beast!?! What, you ladies can't rate his hunkiness? Why not? What's going on here?!? Nobody better let Bully know about this egregious oversight!! (And please, no furries jokes.)

They also skip Moon Knight, but, you know, meh, I've got no problem with that...

Friday Night Fights--Dr. Dickweed Style!!

Oh sweet Aunt Petunia, it's that time again--Friday Night Fights!!!

As victor of the last bout, I've got to bring my A-game now, because everyone is gunning for me.

But since I can never top Sharktopus or Godzilla versus the Mega-Monsters, I've got to stretch out in new directions, to find some of the weirdest, oddest, most "What the..?" fights imaginable.

Which brings us to the greatest fight no one EVER requested: Ghost Rider versus Dr. Druid.

Really.

Yes, the motorcycle-riding spirit of vengeance in a knockdown fight to the finish with the man who would go on to become the worst Avenger ever (your mileage may vary).

Why? Well, in reality, it's because it's 1977, and Marvel characters ALWAYS fight when they meet. It's the law.

In story terms, though, it's because for some unexplained reason, Druid has become obsessed with hunting down Ghost Rider, have determined (again for unexplained reasons) that he is "a creature of Satan who must be driven from this world" whom Druid (yet again without explanation) has "sworn to destroy."

So Druid show up, and forces Johnny Blaze to transform in front of all his friends and co-workers, revealing his identity and making Blaze a pariah. And now Ghost Rider is gonna kick his ass:


But wait--Dr. Druid reacts by...taking control of a tree!!


Obviously, not the brightest move against a guy who is on fire, right? Well, how about fisticuffs??





Well, that's all, right??

No!! Johnny Blaze relents, and doesn't crush Druid's skull!!

Is the good doctor swayed by this act of mercy?? Hell, no!! He just resorts to--cheating (of a mystical nature!)!!





What a turn-around!! Doctor Druid comes off the mat to wipe up the floor with Johnny Blaze!! Sure, Blaze was extending him mercy...sure, Druid had to resort to magical trickery, but a win is a win, right?

As a denouement, let's ask the question--how big a dickweed is Doc Druid? Let's watch as he opines to himself (while revealing his disturbingly form-fitting costume):


So...just to be clear...you attack the man without knowing whether or not he's truly evil (because, obviously, you couldn't have read his mind BEFORE the fight); you reveal his nature to everybody, screwing up his life; after he tries to end hostilities (which you started) you cheat and beat the crap out him...and you don't even stick around to apologize? You just leave and hope that he can put his life back together after you wrecked it??

Colossal. Dickweed. Even Spacebooger has to agree on that point!!

The Battle No One Demanded was brought to you by Jim Shooter, Don Perlin and Sam Grainger in the pages of Ghost Rider #26 (1977).

Now, you might not want to vote for me this week--but Marvel just brought Druid back to life in the pages of Dead Avengers...and I have it on good authority they're going to keep him alive unless you vote for me. And we sure as hell don't want that!!