Thursday, May 9, 2013

Tales From The Quarter Bin--Yes, This Really Existed

The Quarter Bin is a glorious thing, providing many an entertainment for dirt cheap. But she can also be a harsh mistress, "rewarding" you with the most painful comics ever made. This is one of those.

1987 was a heady time, as the success of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles led to a boom of "indy" publishing, as anyone with a pencil and a Xerox threw themselves headlong into making comic books. You didn't even need Kickstarter!!

And while there were some fine comics made, Sturgeon's Law still applied, and there were mountains of crap. And most craptacular were the attempts to recapture the glory of TMNT. All you had to do was title your book Adjective Adjective Adjective Animal, and you were set to flood your crap into comic stores. Oh, there were Cold-Blooded Chameleon Commandos,  Adolescent Radioactive Black-Belt Hamsters, Pre-Teen Dirty Gene Kangaroos...yes, those are all real.

But perhaps the grandest of them all?

Yes, Sultry Teenage Super-Foxes.

Yes, that really existed.

Created by Rich Buckler (!) and Chris Wojkiewicz, scripted by David George, penciled by Wojkiewicz, this little turd bomb was published by here today, gone tomorrow Solson. And boy, does it suck!

Let's begin our story...
Yup, 4 sultry foxes, home from boarding school, get to spend summer an air force base. Yay!!

Well, actually, yes, because as the caption makes clear, the ladies have one thing on their mind: virile men!

Let's switch to the villain of our tale...

See, she's called Madame Rotunda because she's kind of rotund...get it?!? Anyway, she attempts to use dark magic to contact her dead child, and gets possessed by an evil demon:

"Pounds and years melt away"--man, if people knew demonic possession could make you so hot, everyone would try it!!

Meanwhile, it turns out that Jasmine's father is a scientist at the base, experimenting on using "eldritch energies" to transmute matter. Except the damned government is about to cut off funding!! So obviously...

Yeah!! We're doing it for science, right?, we're doing it because it's a great way to get boys...

No, it doesn't kill them, it transforms them!!

See, a machine that can turn dog feces into gold (literally) somehow transformed the young ladies into "Earth's avatars," with, surprise, power over earth, air, fire and water:

Well, at least we got some super-heroes out of the deal, right? With great power comes great responsibility, and all that?

Yes, we received awesome let's go impress the boys!!

Sadly, the book only lasted two issues...but I'm certain that Fox is probably looking into the movie rights...

So remember the dangers of surfing the Quarter Bin--someday you're going to get stuck with crap like Sultry Teenage Super-Foxes. Beware!!


Siskoid said...

So it basically laid the groundwork for such books as Lady Death, Tarot and the titillating rest.

SallyP said...


notintheface said...

Gary Brodsky's got a LOT to answer for.

-3- said...

It was Pre-Teen Dirty Gene KUNG FU Kangaroos.
That makes all the difference, eh?