Friday Night Fights--Legion of Super-Pets Style!!

Well, it's the last Friday Night Fights of 2-double-aught-7. How shall we mark the occasion?

I know. With the Super-Pets!!! A little beast-on-man carnage should get us through the holidays!!

Where to start? Well, the Legion of Super-Pets has been lured into leaving the Legion of Super-Heroes behind on Earth, and setting up shop on Thanl, a planet much more appreciative of our animal heroes.

SPOILER ALERT: It's a trick.

Anyway, the non-animal Legion travels to Thanl to convince the Super-Pets to come home. But, Chameleon Boy loses his temper a bit, and:

Well, you DO NOT want to tick off the Super-Pets. Because now, brother, IT IS ON!!





Roll call, anyone?

COMET!!

STREAKY!!

KRYPTO!!

BEPPO!! (This is maybe my favorite comic panel EVER!!!)

PROTY!! (Prepare to have your mind blown!!)



I know, I know...that's the craziest fight ever....

Wait a minute...before we wrap this up....something about that cover seems familiar. Let's take a closer look...

Hey, wait a minute!!

Coppertone, Cosmic Boy...oh my. Only Bahlactus Lad can sort out this mess!!!

The 17th greatest comic fight of all time takes place in Adventure Comics #364, 1968.

Things That Make me Smile--Cosmo

You know why I love comics books?

Because this week's issue of Nova features a dog.

A talking dog.

A talking Russian dog.

A talking Russian dog with a devastating sonic bark attack.

A talking Russian dog with a devastating sonic bark attack fighting zombies.

A talking Russian dog with a devastating sonic bark attack fighting superhero zombies.

A talking Russian dog with a devastating sonic bark attack fighting superhero zombies INSIDE THE FLOATING HEAD OF A DEAD CELESTIAL!!!

Thank you, Dan Abnett, for teaching us the true meaning of the holiday season.

This moment of joy brought to you by Nova #9. Dan, you had me at talking dog.

Prepare a Room At Arkham??

You know, I really hate people who try to do pop-psychological diagnoses based on a complete lack of data...but I kinda wonder about Judd Winick sometimes.

After the Wedding Special, the Titans East Special, and this week's Green Arrow/Black Canary #3, you have to wonder about the guy. Is he such a hack writer that he really can't think of a better way to wrap up a story than killing a hero (or several heroes)? Does he really think that using the same "dramatic" device again and again and again, no matter the fan disdain, seriously makes for a good story?

Or (and this is where I gotta hate on myself for going off the rails, so forgive me) maybe he's working through some terrible personal trauma. Perhaps he has a deep-seated hatred for heroes, and believes they all should die.

It's almost like a Bat villain origin, isn't it? The writer who is forced to work in comics even though he can't stand heroes, and keeps taking out his frustrations on the characters he writes by killing them, until he goes off the deep end and...

I'm sure Winick is a perfectly nice fellow, hack writing aside. All I'm saying is, I'd give him a wide berth if I saw him in a crowded room...

Hi, My Name Is Brian...

...and I'm an addict.

See, the reason there's no comic-related post today is that there's this frustratingly, annoyingly, delightfully addictive game called Desktop Tower Defense, and it has sucked my soul away.

If you value your sanity or free time, don't go there.

Don't say I didn't warn you...

Tales From the Quarter Bin--Beowulf!!

You know, I've looked and looked...

...but I just can't seem to find those nude scenes with Angelina Jolie that I've heard so much about.

What The #$%^--Supergirl Again?!?!

Well, last month I had a few questions about the very confusing debut of Kelley Puckett's run on Supergirl.

Well, here we are one month later, and...well, I'm still confused and still have questions (OK, I confess ,they're more like observations phrased Jeopardy-style).

1. Well, It's obvious that Kelley Puckett isn't paid by the word, isn't it? Between these 2 issues, probably 50 percent of the pages had no dialogue, and another 15 percent had only a single caption or dialogue balloon with fewer than 3 words.


2. Remember how, during Jeph Loeb and Joe Kelly's runs, we learned that Kara's parents had sent her to Earth to, you know, kill Kal-El? How, depending on which author you believed, she was to destroy him to settle a family grudge or protect the universe from Phantom Zone dwellers? Well, not so much anymore.

Maybe Superboy-Prime punched another universe or something, but without a single word, hint or acknowledgement, that's been wiped out of Supergirl's continuity, apparently. Nope, now it was nothing but love between Zor-El & Jor-El, no mention of the Phantom Zone, no family grudges, just "go to Earth and represent Krypton, and take care of Kal."

Look, I'm glad that the stupid "I was sent here to kill you" nonsense is gone. It was dim, and dimly executed. But if DC is going to pretend to have continuity, shouldn't they feel at least obligated to mention that 2 months ago Supergirl's origin was, well, different? Is it OK for a new writer to take over and say, "everything the last guys did never actually happened!"? And if so, don't the readers deserve at least an occasional caption or something? Nope, because under Dan DiDio DC has "wiki-nuity"--whatever today's author says is what goes, and those in the past, forget them, and to hell with the fans who wonder what's going on.

I don't think it's "continuity porn" to at least maintain a consistent origin/motivation story for your hero. DC wonders why they can't attract more casual readers? How about someone who picked up Supergirl 6 months ago not being able to recognize the character if they picked it up today?

Anyhoo, this issue was, in some ways, almost as confusing as last issue. I'm glad Superman and the Green Lanterns finally figured out you could track the ship visually (like, duh! This from a guy with telescopic vision?!) without all that holding your breath nonsense. And I thought the Krypton stuff was nice, albeit completely contradictory to what the past 2 regimes have said (not counting poor Tony Bedard, the unappreciated middle reliever of DC's bullpen). And the insistence on minimal dialogue means we get no real depth to her conversation with Superman about his mother, which should have been the emotional crux of the issue, and is what I wanted to hear more of.

And we still have no idea what direction Puckett is taking this book...

Upon Further Review--Spider-Man

Give the tenor of things in One More Day, I thought I'd best crack open my near mint copy of Amazing Fantasy #15:

Not quite as I remembered it...I'd better flip a couple more pages:

Ahhh, that classic line. Now let's skip ahead a few years to Amazing Spider-Man #121:

Well, that settles it. Peter Parker's behavior in One More Day is completely consistent with how he has dealt with the death of a loved one in the past. Case closed.

It's an Odd Place Inside My Head

So, last night I dreamed that Dick Cheney was using a cyborg to kill the competition, so he could get the next seat on the Watcher's Council. But just as they were about to kill me on the set of West Wing, Wesley Snipes showed up to save me.

Conclusions?

A) Fewer comics before bedtime (as if).

B) Not for the first time, I really, really really wish my dreams were real and my real life a dream. SIGH......

Friday Night Fights--Proportionate Strength of a Spider Edition!!

Tonight, we learn that with great power, comes great ass-whooping:

BAM!!!

Sadly, despite the punch, the Goblin kills Gwen Stacy on the next page. Sigh...

Of course, if that happened today, Spider-Man would run around badgering everyone, feeling sorry for himself, and eventually making a deal with Mephisto to save Gwen's life, if only he agrees to forget Aunt May forever....double sigh...

And howzabout a shout out for Gil Kane? His run on Spider-Man never receives enough appreciation, if you ask me.

You know who else doesn't receive enough appreciation? Bahlactus, that's who--he's so powerful, the devil comes begging to him for deals.

Peter's ultimately futile power punch is from Amazing Spider-Man #121, the beginning of the Bronze Age. And I'm sticking my fingers in my ears and singing while I pretend that none of the Clone Sagas or Sins Past or any of that other nonsense ever happened. Lalalalalalalalalalala....

Wonder Woman--Not Good Enough For the Justice League

Well, once again Mark has beaten me to the punch, as I was getting ready to a post on Wonder Woman's "series of trials" today after I got home from work. Really. Sadly, I was too lazy to actually get to it sooner, so I have egg on my face again. Sigh...

For you youngsters out there, for a few years in the late 60's/early 70's Diana lost her Wonder Woman powers, and became more of a spy/adventuress. When DC finally came to it's senses, she regained her super powers. But she didn't immediately rejoin the Justice League. Nope, instead, in order to "prove herself worthy" of rejoining, she underwent a series of "trials" or labors."

Mark already covered some of this, but there's a few items I'd like to discuss.

A) I haven't read all of these issues, particularly #212, where-in the "trial" began:

Now, DC covers of that era were notoriously..ahem...non-accurate. So until I can find a copy of this issue, I'm asking myself, did Wonder Women really insist on these trials herself? Why? Anyone who has read it, please enlighten me.

B) Regardless of the answer above, I'm a bit bamfoozled: this is WONDER WOMAN!! She really needs to undergo twelve labors to prove herself worthy?? Honestly?? Even if it is her own idea, I mean, you're WONDER WOMAN, Diana--one of the founders (at this point in continuity, at least) of the JLA. Does anybody think that Superman would need to undergo such rigorous tests to rejoin, if he had lost and then regained his powers??

C) And regardless of the above two answers, we have the Elongated Man standing judgement over Wonder Woman? REALLY??!!??

Actually, if you read the issues, it never seems in doubt...every member who monitors her is deeply and whole-heartedly in support of her membership. Still the idea of Red Tornado or Phantom Stranger deciding if Wonder Woman belongs in the Justice League is a bit Bizarro-Meltzer, isn't it? Hmmm....

D) I also should point out that Wonder Woman was bi-monthly during this period, so almost two years real-world time were spent on this idea. TWO YEARS!!! Good Lord, Wonder Woman's "trial" almost lasted longer than the Detroit League!!! Wonder Woman was actually appearing in Justice League issues while these trials were still going on in her own magazine!! (Talk about killing whatever "suspense" there may have been!!)

E) From a real-world, marketing standpoint, I don't know if I "get" this. Was the purpose of this to use "popular" heroes to bolster WW's popularity and sales? If so, these are some odd choices, as many of these JLAers couldn't even carry their own books (or back-up features!) at the time. Really, is Aquaman or Ralph Dibny on the cover going to move many copies? "Hey, Bill, look--I wasn't going to buy this Wonder Woman, but Red Tornado is on the cover!!! Loan me 20¢, quick!!"

And since, for the most part, the guest Leaguers merely narrated, as opposed to interacting with Wonder Woman or fighting bad guys, is that much of a draw? "Hey, let's watch Superman narrate????"

Or perhaps the idea was to attract more male readers to a book starring a female hero. But Black Canary was the "host" of one of the issues...

Whatever the reasoning, having Wonder Woman go two entire years without starring solo on the cover of her own comic book doesn't seem like the best way to build and brand her as an independent seller. It just seems kind of patronizing and desperate, by today's standards.

Then again, in a sense this isn't all that different than the 52,756 gratuitous cover appearances by Wolverine and Punisher over the past 25+ years from Marvel. And if having Batman on the cover begging buyers to read Blue Beetle can save that mag, well, I guess I would be all for it.

E) One final note. This idea of having other heroes on the cover to "introduce" the stories really created a lot of cluttered, awful covers, with no sense of flow or design. Yuck. But even though it is uncluttered, #212 (as seen above) is pretty dang awful. What, the JLA can't afford furniture, or wall-hangings?

The MOST Disturbing Thing I've EVER Seen

This is wrong on sooo many levels:


Yeah, just it's another cheap trinket comic book ad. But check out the close-up (you may want to hide your children):

O. M. G.

Further comments are left to your individual dirty minds.

He'll Always Live In Our Old Comics

Isn't it about time that, oh, Grant Morrison and Jim Lee collaborate on an Evel Knievel comic? I'd buy it...

Bold Fashion Choices--Lois Again!!

So what was the fashionable female Latin American dictator wearing in 1967?

Oh, Lois, whatever will we do with you? Let's take a closer look:

Wow, there's just nothing that can make that outfit work, is there?

I stand corrected...the hat MAKES the outfit sing!!!!!

SPOILER ALERT: Believe it or not, the scene depicted on the cover actually happens: Lois is a somewhere-south-of-the-border dictator, and she does force Superman to execute and artist (and his family!) by firing squad. I'd explain the how and why, but this issue is sooo confusing that it gives me a headache...

...unless it Lois' outfit that is doing that.

In fairness, here's Lois' other fashion choice this issue:

Oh, Lois....

El Presidente for Life Lois' fab gear courtesy of Lois Lane #75, 1967. Vive Lois!!

I Have Too Damn Many Comic Books

Exhibit #1:

I mean, do I really need this in my collection? Really??

Oh, wait a minute...there's a monkey!! Maybe I'd better check this out...

Wow!!

OK, I still have too many damned comic books, but I'm keeping this one...man, a baboon with a dart in the butt...now that's entertainment!!

Carnival hijinks from Gold Key's Adam-12 #8, 1975. How come we don't more TV show comic books these days? Where's our Chuck books, or Criminal Minds, or Bones?

What the #$%^--One More Day

Monstrobot here.

I just want to praise Marvel Comics for discovering new depths of evil.

I refer, of course, to the deliciously abysmal One More Day story line running (ever so slowly)through the Spider-Man books.

Oh, it's not just because the story is abominably bad, and slow, and drawn out, and whiny, and self-pitying, and portentous, and...

And it's evil not only because they're jumping the entire Marvel universe through ridiculous hoops just because the head honcho believes that it's not cool to have your hero in a healthy adult relationship. Thank you for spreading the message that marriage is bad and boring, Joe Quesada.

And it's not one of the 105 other reasons this storyline is evil and diseased (evil note to Quesada: if you want to get rid of Mary Jane, why not just kill her off?? Because you want to give fans hope that they'll be reunited someday...that's the exact same plan as Mephisto, you cheeky devil! You don't even have the courage of your convictions!! How brilliantly evil!)

No, what's really, tremendously, soul-staggeringly vile about this business is that Marvel is charging $3.99 per issue for this. And what does the fan get for that extra $1? Half a reprint.

That's right. You can't even fill the back of the book with a full story. Just 1/2 a story.

And the beauty part? You don 't continue that reprint in the next issue!! Instead, you give them a blurb telling the fan that if they want to finish the story, they have to go buy an omnibus collection!! Yup, kids, you just put out an extra dollar for a comic, and you can only finish the story if you go spend $75 list for a hardback collection. Bwahahahahahaha! Or...you can spend $60 to read it digitally online!!! Bwahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Man, Dr. Doom wishes he could be that evil. Even Mephisto is applauding your vileness, Marvel. You make a humble Monstrobot like myself hang my head in shame at how little real evil I have done.

Well played, Joe Quesada, you magnificent bastard!

Friday Night Fights--Albino Gorilla Style!!

A madman has transplanted his mind into the body of an albino gorilla, and is on a murder spree in Gotham City. What do you think is gonna happen?

Now, despite what you long-time nerds are thinking, this is NOT the Ultra-Humanite that Batman is fighting. No, this is the other DC villain to transplant his mind into an albino gorilla, Xavier Simon. You've never heard of him? Hey, don't ask Jim Starlin questions when he's on a roll!!

How to beat the gorilla? First, Batman needs an equalizer.

Then, let the beat down begin:

And yet, somehow, Batman doesn't finish him?

Nope. So how does the Caped Crusader get out of this one?

Well, he doesn't, really. A private security guard shoots Simon in the back, creating some great sound effects, and a terse thanks from the Dark Knight.

Hmmm, that's not the way we usually end things here for a Friday Night Fights. Kind of a downer, huh? Batman doesn't even beat the bad guy. Whatever shall we do?

Thank you, Batgirl!!

'Twas Bahlactus that killed the Beast, or the albino gorilla, or whatever...

Batman's colossal failure (as well as Batgirl's triumph) is shown in Detective Comics Starring the Batman Family #482. Now if only we could get Batman one on one with the Ultra-Humanite...

Bold Fashion Choices--Lois Lane Edition

Those of you who are sensitive, or easily put into comas or seizures, might want to avert your eyes from what comes next. Because, man, we are dipping back into the '70s for this monstrosity:

I did warn you. Let's go to the close-up, Monstrobot:

Man. I mean, like, wow. Uh, Lois...did you ever think that the reason Superman is running away from you just might have something to do with that outfit you're wearing?? I mean, good golly...no wonder they want to kill you!!

In fairness, the outfit Lois wears inside the actual story isn't quite so hideous (not that that is saying much):

Don't let your guard down, troops: Lois has many more fashion flops that we'll be covering in future days. But this...this has got to be the worst, right?

Your bonus Superman panel of the day:

Superman with an eyepatch...there;s a concept I can get behind.

Lois' outfit, which resulted the addition of several articles to the Geneva Convention in order to ban torture by mod outfit, is from Lois Lane #120, 1972.

It's About Time Somebody Said It

Thank you, Warren Worthington III.

Panels of someone finally speaking the truth to naive super-brat Amadeus Cho appears in Incredible Hulk #111. Now if someone can explain to "Mastermind Excello" that you can't forcibly evacuate the biggest city in the country and destroy half of it without somebody dying, I'll be happy.

The Krusty Defense

From a letter in Superboy #183, 1972:

Talk about your great moments in buck passing!

Somehow, though, I suspect we're going to be hearing this an awful lot from DC writers/editors in a couple of years...

As Krusty said back in Season 1: "Don't blame me--I didn't do it!!"

Things That Make Me Smile--Karkan!!

I know that I've been a little bit cranky around here lately, so let's chill things out with some classic Silver Age silliness, shall we?

I mean, look at it--we've got Superbaby AND gorillas...this is like all my favorite DC hobbyhorses wrapped up into a big nerdgasm!!

Sadly, though, as per usual, the cover lies to us. Superbaby is NOT in this story, and at no point does he fight monkeys. Sigh. I demand my 20¢ back--with 35 years compound interest, of course.

What we do have, though, is what would have been sold to us as an Elseworlds story, had it come up 20 years later (now, of course, it's Earth-17.5). It's an imaginary story, wherein Kal-El spacecraft crashes in deepest Africa instead of Kansas. Whereupon Kal-El is raised by gorillas as one of their own. Yup, they're ripping off Tarzan, Krypton-style. Mommy ape names him Karkan, which was apparently just far enough away from Tarzan to avoid legal action by the Burroughs estate. We pick up the action when teenage Karkan discovers other..um...."hairless ones."

I won't go into great detail on this comic--if you've read or seen ANY version of Tarzan EVER, than you can write this story in your sleep, up to and including where Karkan fights wicked hunters and is eventually lured to join human civilization by the pretty white girl. Yawn...where's Bo Derek when you really need her??

Still, the issue is chock full of wondrous editorial notes, such as:

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you just witnessed the invention of ape font. Still, I would have declared this the greatest comic of all time if they had had the cajones to actually do the whole story in ape language...Also:

See-far power?? It's a good thing he never describes his super-breath! Sigh...where's Grodd when you need him?

Anyway, I suppose I should just share the big payoff with you:







Mmmm, taste that derivative goodness. I warned you--not a shred of original thinking went into this issue. Still...Gorillas!! Superbaby!!! I'll probably get cranky again tomorrow, but for today, all is well in my world. Because Superbaby am king of the apes!!


Wasted potential to be the greatest story ever from Superboy #183, 1972. If only...If only...

Me Am Smart

Well, this surprises me....we'd better dumb this down real quick, huh?

Thanks to Dr. K for the tip.

Be Careful of Who Your Friends Are...

A word of warning to She-Hulk:


Jen, in the tenor of today's Marvel Universe (at least Bendis' portion of it), maybe, just maybe, you might want to be careful of who your bounty hunting partner is...or at least what species:

I can't imagine this would go over too well right now with your superhero buddies, given what's going on in New Avengers (but apparently nowhere else...)

Then again, in the Bendis books, they would spend 5 issues sitting around wondering whom they could trust, and never get around to actually doing anything to check if she was a Skrull, so you'd probably be all right.

And can I get some blogger help here? "Secret Invasion" is the stupidest title for a mega-crossover event ever. I move that whenever we refer to it (as we will have to), we all refer to instead as Skrullapalooza. All in favor?

Cover and panel from She-Hulk #23, where apparently World War Hulk hasn't happened yet, or happened awhile ago, and where Secret Invasion I mean Skrullapalooza isn't on the radar. Do Marvel writers even talk to each other anymore?

Friday Night Fights--Bibbo Style!!

My holiday gift to you, the readers: Bibbo, Superman's biggest fan, beating the snot out of the Joker:

What, you don't believe it? Well, let me follow it up with something even more awesome: Bibbo knocking the tar outta Doomsday:

Oh, man, you guys are sooo cynical.

Bahlactus punches out arch-villains EVERY DAY. In his sleep, fools.

Bibbo's...uhhh...hypothetical adventures are recounted in Showcase '96 #10.

Mystery of the Week

Why is it that Flash and family, as scripted by Mark Waid and appearing in The Brave and the Bold #8...

is soooo much better than Flash and family, as scripted by Mark Waid, in ANY issue of his latest run on Flash??

Just askin'...

DC's Latest Sales Ploy??

Is it just me, or does this cover of Ra's resemble Wolverine just a tad to much for comfort? I'm just sayin'...