Four Busy Years?

Don't get old, kids--they'll really mess with your comics history.

You may remember how very, very much I hate "rolling timelines," as comic creators feel compelled to give us specific dates on origins and events. A well-intentioned attempt to keep things "realistic"--after all, you don't want a 95 year-old Superman running around--is all right as long as you're vague about it. It's a comic book, and if we can roll with "stranger from another planet who can survive our biosphere and has cool powers," than we can roll with a "wink nudge Superman really hasn't been around that long" implication. We get it.

But when the writers feel compelled to give us specific dates?? Oh, dear, that makes us think too much, and the results are never good.

Last time we discussed this, I was stunned by Marvel's (subtle) declaration that Captain America was unthawed during the Clinton Administration.

Well, it's DC's turn now. From this week's Doom Patrol:

Blown up a bit:

Oh, Keith Giffen, you magnificent idiot.

OK, we don't want to think about how old some of these characters are--fine. But why in heaven's name do you feel compelled to stick a ridiculously specific date on things?

Garfield Logan was adopted by Elasti-Girl and Mento (the freshmaker!) back in Doom Patrol #110 (1967).

So, in other words, you would have us believe that every single thing in DC history since that point has actually happened IN THE PAST FOUR YEARS. 43 years of stories, compressed into 4 years.

Every Crisis and Invasion and Final Night and Millennium and Armageddon etc; every iteration of broken-up, reformed/destroyed/reformed/broken up/reformed again/etc of the Justice League; four different Robins...everything happened in 4 years.

And, since Superman and Batman and Wonder Woman took a year off (remember that, anybody? 52? One Year Later? Hello??), all of their adventures now took place over just 3 years.

Yeah, yeah, Zero Hour blahbitty blah Mr. Mind/Butterfly 52 jibber jabber Final Crisis hullaballo...fine, even if you say the Doom Patrol was somehow "re-set" in time, and was "created" much closer to current day...even with that benefit of the doubt, by tying it to Beast Boy, you've tied yourself to New Teen Titans continuity. So everything that happens since 1980--including 15 different iterations of the Titans...has happened in the last 4 years.

So, instead of preserving the illusion, they've just gone and shattered it, making the situation far worse than it was when we just simply ignored such issues...

Sigh...do you see why I hate rolling timelines?