The Root Of All Evil

Sometimes, when reading old DC comics, you stumble upon a truth so frightening, that you fear the Men In Black will come knocking on your door to drag you away just for discovering.

Well, as far as I can tell, there's a chance that even I could be the "New Man Without Fear," so consequences be damned. The savage truth of the DC Universe?

Roller Derby is the root of all evil.

Hmmm, wait...that green tunic with the white symbol...the dark sleeves ending at the forearms...could it be??

Nah...

Anyway, we previously discussed how roller derby was dirty in Metropolis. Well, it's even worse in Central City.

Barry Allen goes out to meet with Iris, but much to his chagrin, he discovers the first Iron Law Of Evil Roller Derby Stories:

Female reporters always try to infiltrate a roller derby team!

Sadly, poor, delicate Iris is no match for...Kolossal Kate Krusher!! (No, I'm pretty sure the KKK initials were not a coded message from Cary Bates)

But as Iris drifts off into unconsciousness, she thinks she sees:

Barry, being a metahuman whose fought aliens dozens of times, of course immediately rejects Iris' "hallucinations." He dismisses them out of hand. Gee, no wonder so many people wanted him to return from the dead...

Ah, but when a mysterious, "impossible" earthquake strikes Central City, centered on the stadium...well, then the Flash will investigate.

And what does he discover? The Second Iron Law Of Evil Roller Derby Stories:

The roller skates are always cleverly disguised devices of evil!! And they're integral to the aliens' master plan:


Yes, Roller Derby is actually destroying the Earth!!!

But, fortunately for our beleaguered homeworld, Flash trips up the aliens with the Third Iron Law Of Evil Roller Derby Stories:


The bad guys skates can be used against them!!

Yes, skating the opposite direction will somehow undo the alien whatcha-hoosit. Well played, aliens...great plan.

But still, it is rather cool to see the Flash moving so fast he can make ten pairs of skates keep moving clockwise.

Clockwise...so traveling counter-clockwise in a circle or oval constantly will destroy the Earth? Oh my god, aliens run NASCAR!!! Hurry, Barry!!!

Barry Allen rips the lid off of alien-run Drew Barrymore movies in Flash #211 (1971).