Wednesday, August 29, 2018

Dial E For Eternity--The Remake Is Never As Good!

Well, I'll just warn you ahead of time--this Kid Eternity story sucks.

First of all, it's essentially a re-run, reusing the exact same premise they'd used in an earlier story.

Secondly, it's told really poorly: confusing art, significant plot developments taking place off-panel, stuff that's never explained, and a crazy rush to finish the story.

And finally, well, we've got a bit of terribly offensive stereotyping.

Still, I set myself the task of documenting every Kid Eternity story, and I can't shirk my duty just because some stories are bad or distasteful. With great blogging comes great responsibility.

Don't worry, though--the next tale is substantially better, even though it is the exact same story (sort of)!!

We begin with young Bill Watkins looking to make his mark in the field of "ethnology":


Now, I know what you're expecting--the hot-shit eager young man rejecting a "stuffy" teaching job, but when he experiences all the dangers out there, he's more than willing to settle for the boring life.

Nah, this story has nowhere near that much imagination.

So young Indiana Jones here goes to Brazil...

The "evil" Brazilian jungle? Evil?!? Really?

And then, for no particular reason, Kid Eternity shows up.

So you've been following him for 15 days...just in case he ran into trouble? Umm...how many folks really needed your help in that time, Kid?!?

Cannibal? Really, Keeper?

Yes, really...


The camp may be "surrounded" by headhunters, but we only ever see this one.

And whom does Kid call upon?

Geronimo!! This is his second appearance...but this time, it's a particularly stereotyped portrayal:

Sigh...

Plus, you're giving us Apaches vs. headhunters...but you never actually show the fight?!? Lame...

Kid explains--mostly off-panel--why he's there:

Fortunately, there's a convenient map?!?

So wait...who made the map? Why didn't they publicize this amazing find more? How can there be a map if "no one has ever found his way up there?"

Then, between panels...

So, for no particular reasons, the bearers just took off. OK.

So after finding the "secret passage":


Yeah, yeah. Kid already found a preserve prehistoric world hidden atop a mountain. What's the big deal about this one?


Uh, Kid, have you ever heard about the birds and the bees? These guys probably aren't millions of years old. They probably just kept breeding.

And what kind of grades did you get, Mr. Ethnologist, to believe "something in the climate" made them immortal?

And then they're chased by the oddest looking dinosaurs ever...



But there's more than just reptiles here...


So, um...a pool of pitch? Why, exactly, are they going to throw this guy into a pool of pitch?

Anyway, this is a job for...

Robin Hood!! This is the outlaw's third appearance, putting him into an increasingly crowded tie for second place.

But what exactly does "my shafts favor neither friend nor foe" mean?!? I would hope that you're not shooting arrows at friends too often! Just shoot the damn cavemen!!

DAAAAAAMN!!

Still, was this story written by a drug-addled chimpanzee? What in the world does "before the others come to life" mean?!? I'm sure it's just an artless metaphor for "before they leap into action," and not "these cavemen aren't alive, but they're about to be!"

See, when you've got a story with Robin Hood shooting cavemen in the chest with arrows, and you have me focusing instead on your indecipherable dialogue, that's a problem.

Then, the least exciting chase sequence in history:



Wow, the tension...

And then there's this...


When your characters are too busy to see the end of a fight with a saber-tooth tiger fighting a giant snake, you're doing your story wrong!

Even better, you didn't set up camp very well, because...

D'oh!!

Well, they wake up in yet another cave:



Wait...YOU HAD A GUN THIS ENTIRE TIME?!?! Why in the hell are you running from creatures and letting cavemen capture you when you have a gun?!?!!?!?!

Anyway, it turns out that cavemen are actually pretty advanced architects!!

They built bleachers?!? A coliseum?!?!

It might be "bigger than six elephants," but that's about all we'll ever see of the creature--rip-off!!!

Look, there's only one page left in the story, so we'd better throw in some quick summons and wrap things up without actually resolving anything!!

Thor!! This is your second summons, even though you look precisely nothing like any version of Thor we've ever seen...


Apollo!! This is his debut appearance!!

And that leaves just one panel to tie everything up in a bow!

You're damn right, Bill! Does anyone believe that Watkins will survive three seconds on his own?

Meh, crappy story. Let's move along.

After 52 stories, the Kid Eternity Summoning Roster looks like this:

Abu 1
Achilles 4
Antony, Marc 2
Apollo 1
Aramis 1
Arnold, Benedict 1
Arthur, King 2
Astor, John Jacob 1
Athos 1
Atlas 3
Attila The Hun 1
Attucks, Crispin 1
Baker, Lafayette 1
Barry's father 1
Barton, Clara 1
Bernhardt, Sarah 1
Bertillon, Alphonse 1
Blackhawk 1
Bluebeard 1
Bolivar, Simon 1
Boone, Daniel 1
Bowie, Jim 1
Boyd, Belle 1
Brady, Diamond Jim 1
Breitbart, Zishe 1
Bucephalus 2
Bunyan, Paul 3
Byron, George Gordon 2
Caesar, Octavian 1
Cagliostro, Alessandro 1
Calhoun, John C. 1
Canary, Martha “Calamity” 1
Cannon, John W. 1
Capulet, Juliet 1
Carden, Foster 1
Carpenter, Daniel 1
Cherry Sisters 1
Christian, Fletcher 1
Clancy, Patrick 1
Cleopatra 1
Cody, “Buffalo” Bill 2
Colt, Samuel 1
Columbus, Christopher 2
Corbett, Jim 3
Crockett, Davy 1
Cronson, Gerald 1
Crusoe, Robinson 1
Custer, George Armstrong 1
D'artagnan 2
de Bergerac, Cyrano 1
de Leon, Ponce 1
de Rais, Gilles 1
Decatur, Stephen 1
Discus Thrower 1
Dockstader, Lew 1
Dracula 1
Drake, Sir Francis 1
Dupin, C. Auguste 1
Edison, Thomas 1
Emery 1
Ericson, Leif 2
Frankenstein's Monster 1
Franklin, Ben 1
Galahad 1
Geronimo 2
Goliath 1
Gotch, Frank 1
Gothicus, Claudius 1
Grant, Ulysses S. 1
Greb, Harry 1
Griffiths, Albert 1
Gulliver, Lemuel 1
Hamilton, Alexander 1
Hatfield, John 1
Hauser, Kaspar 1
Henry, Patrick 1
Hercules 2
Hermann, Alexander 1
Hickathrift, Tom 1
Hickok, Wild Bill 1
Hippocrates 1
Holmes, Sherlock 3
Hopkins, Matthew 1
Houdini, Harry 3
Houston, Sam 1
Hyde, Edward 1
Hyer, Tom 1
Jackson, Andrew 1
James, Jesse 1
Javert 1
Jeffries, Jim 1
Jones, John Paul 1
Jove 2
Khan, Genghis 2
Kidd, William 1
Lafayette, General 1
Lancelot 1
Laughing Cavalier 1
Leander 3
Lee, Robert E. 1
Legree, Simon 1
Leonidas 1
Light Brigade 1
Lincoln, Abraham 1
Lister, Joseph 2
Marable, Fate 1
Masterson, Bat 1
Mercury 4
Milo Of Croton 2
Minutemen 1
Mix, Tom 1
Montague, Romeo 1
Montezuma 1
Morgan, Henry 1
Mulgrew, Jason 1
Murphy, Charles 1
Napoleon 1
Nation, Carrie 1
Neanderthal 1
Neptune 1
Nightingale, Florence 1
Noah 1
Nobel, Alfred 1
Nobody 1
Nostradamus 2
O'Brien, David 1
Oakley, Annie 1
Og 1
Osceola 1
Paddock, Charley 1
Pasteur, Louis 1
Penelope 1
Perseus 1
Pheidippides 1
Pinkerton, Allan 1
Plastic Man 1
Porthos 2
Post, Wiley 1
Prometheus 1
Quixote, Don 1
Revere, Paul 1
Richard the LionHeart 1
Rin-Tin-Tin 2
Robespierre, Maximilien 1
Robin Hood 3
Roc 1
Rogers' Rangers 1
Russell, Lillian 1
Rustum 1
Ryan, Paddy 1
Samson 2
Sandow, Eugen 1
Sayers, Tom 1
Schleyer, Johann 1
Serra, Junipero 1
Siegfried 1
Silver, Long John 2
Skunk, Jimmy 1
Socrates 1
Solomon 1
Steinmetz, Charles 1
Sullivan, John L. 2
Tecumseh 1
Tell, William 1
Thalfi 1
Thor 2
Thumb, Tom 1
Thurston, Howard 1
Tiglath IV 1
Tuck, Friar 1
Tut-ankh-amen 1
Twain, Mark 1
Ulysses 1
Uncas 1
Vercingetorix 1
Villa, Pancho 1
Villon, Francois 1
Vulcan 1
Washington, George 3
Watson, John H 1
Webster, Daniel 2
Xanthippe 1
Zbyzko, Stanislaus 1


NEXT--Madam, I'm Adam!!

From Hit Comics #51 (1947)

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