Lois Over Parador

This is not my fault. Blame my loyal readers for the pain you're about to experience.

Back in December, I put up a small post mocking Lois' outfit. But I didn't talk much about the story itself, because I didn't want anyone's head to explode.

Then on Monday, as a lark I posted a letter from a subsequent issue, referring back to that story. I just thought the editor gave one of the patented DC silly answers, and it amused me.

But now EVERYBODY seems to want to know what that story is about. You guys are a masochistic lot.

So prepare yourself for a story that makes less than no sense. A tale, told by Leo Dorfman and Kurt Schaffenberger, that has no beginning, middle or end. A twist that will make your head explode...seriously. So abandon hope, all ye who enter here, because we're taking on Lois Lane #75 (1967), in a tale truthfully titled "The Lady Dictator!"

Somewhat unusually for the day, this was a book-length epic. But that doesn't stop Dorfman (Flounder?) and Schaffenberger from starting in the middle of events, as Superman crashes a pool party. Lois, though, is expecting him:


It turns out that Superman has amnesia! Why? We don't know yet! But anyway, Superman found a picture of himself and Lois in his cape, and sought her out. Surely, she will help him remember everything, right?

Whaaa? Why would Lois punk her boyfriend like that? Here's why:

You see, it was Lois who needed the secret identity, because a lame villain named the Maestro has kidnapped her sister, and is forcing her to help in his "Symphony of Crime."

Quick aside: we were always told that Superman couldn't reveal his secret ID, because then all of his friends and loved one would be in jeopardy. But in the Silver Age, weren't Clark's friends the EXACT same set as Superman's? Jimmy Olson, Perry White, Lois Lane...everybody ALREADY knew they were Superman's friends, so hiding that you were Clark wasn't protecting them. And since Ma and Pa Kent were passed away, who the hell was Clark trying to protect??

Anyway, since Lois is being forced to help the Maestro complete his plan (what plan? Where did the amnesia come from? Relax, true believer, we're only 3 pages into the story!), she seals the deal with a dreadful pun, and directs Kal-El to rendezvous with her in a mythical Latin American nation:


Well, when we get there, we discover that the dictator-for-life of Santoro, the famous General Tigre, is none other than Lois herself!!


Confused yet? Good, that might cushion the blow from your head exploding a few paragraphs from now. In an attempt to flatter there fearless leader, a famous artist has crafted a tribute to Lois/Tigre:

Just for fun, let's look at a close-up of how Latin American sculptors dressed in 1967:

O...K.....meanwhile, Lois is really getting into her role as dictator, and the peons aren't happy:

Well, it turns out that the statue contained a huge bomb. Which leads us to the infamous panel that led to the questioning letter:

Now, I could have come up with 17 better answers than "he won a one peso raffle," not limited to: A) This particular revolutionary wasn't poor B) it was a family heirloom C) it was stolen D) it was purchased with the coins Lois tossed to the crowd E) the peons pooled their money, because if you're staging a revolution, you damned well need to know what time it is. But no, Mort Weisinger went for the "one peso raffle." Sigh...

Anyway, confused Superman saves the day, and the artist and his family are arrested and to be executed. Yay!

Or not. Lois has no choice but to comply with Maestro's plan (what plan?!?! patience, padawan...) because it's not just Lucy he holds captive, but her parents, too. And he proves to be an early version of the Psycho Pirate, with a keyboard that can project emotions onto people:



You decide which relative's emotions are scariest. Plus, note the foreshadowing. Hey, what about the real General Tigre? Where's she been this whole time?

Wait a minute...wasn't that Lois' face on the coins and the statue? If she and Tigre don't look anything alike...no, stop thinking, it can only hurt you here.

Now, we're finally getting close to unveiling Maestro's plan. Don't get your hopes up, we're not there yet...but there is discernible progress:



Now, note some more wonderful foreshadowing:



So, this whole shebang--setting up Lois to pose as a famous dictator whom she looks nothing like, manipulating Superman's mysterious amnesia--is all to get Superman to x-ray vision a big ass gem, and make things blow up. Why? Hang on, crew, we're getting there...you can't rush Leo Dorfman!!

Back to business. Remember the artist who was to be executed? Well, guess who gets to pull the trigger?

Stunningly, Lois passes the buck to the Man of Steal, who whines like a little girl:




It's a fake, right? Nope:

I just have to comment here: even if he does have amnesia, Superman is being a total puss. Is there some reason he HAS to obey Lois' orders? Yeah, he maybe thinks he's evil, but why would puny human Lois be the boss? He's totally whipped...he just whines and whines while doing whatever Lois says...

Now, get ready...we're nearing the exploding head portion of our story. Superman x-rays the gem, and destroys the massing rebel troops.



Are you ready for the Maestro's real plan? Brace yourself:

Yeah, because that worked out so well for Cuba...but before Superman can thwart the scheme:


Well, that's it. Superman's a murderer and permanently depowered, Lois helped destroy him, the U.S. is doomed. Game Over!

Uh, no.

Now, I've got to warn you. If you have a weak heart, or recent head trauma, you might want to log off right now. Because this next panel is going to cause intense cranial pressure resulting in a Scanners-like explosion:

HUH?? WHAT?!?!?! WHO? HOW??? I DON'T----BLAMMMM!

I did warn you.

Yes, DC back in 1967 gave us the first "flash forward," albeit into a hypothetical future. This story was its own Elseworlds. And so now Dorfman shows us what "really" happened (remember all our foreshadowing):




Hey, what about the amnesia?!?! Anyway, Lois' scheme (which conveniently involved making her boyfriend cry) results in a restoration of all things good, and the undeniably turn-on of seeing Lois lead a popular rebellion:


Afterwards, we FINALLY find out why Superman had amnesia--the Maestro had tried to control him with his "emotion organ" (ewww), but it couldn't overcome Kryptonian invulnerability, and instead just wiped his memory. Yeah, right.

So, all's well that ends well, and--hey, wait a minute!! What about the family Superman shot to death?



Phew, that was a close one!!

So, yeah, Chris, the peons/watch problem was hardly the most pressing problem in Lois Lane #75. We had the birth of a new literary device, ridiculously convoluted story-telling, lame cop outs, stunning outfits...You see, when you read about everybody doing drugs in the 60s, this kind of proves that's true, because the readers really had no qualms except about the watch and a bullfighting scene (which I omitted for you, you're welcome). One letter writer did declare "the Maestro is a better villain than Luthor and Brainiac combined."

Don't do drugs, kids. And don't do flash forwards, either.



And if I ever do a post this long again, just shoot me, OK?

What the #$%^--Reporters Desperate to Somehow Ride the Coattails of a Blockbuster

In perhaps one of the least necessary stories ever published by a reputable news outlet:

REAL ARCHAEOLOGISTS QUESTION INDIANA JONES' M.O.

Damn, and I thought that Indy was a 100% accurate depiction of archaeology...

In follow-up stories, the AP will reveal that real MI6 agents question James Bond's methods, actual astronauts question the realism of Flash Gordon, and police officials suggest that maybe, just maybe, CSI exaggerates the role of crime lab technicians.

Sheesh...

Kontinuity Kop--Action Comics Annual #11

All right, all right, what exactly is going on here? Just another egregious case of both a continuity conundrum, and another egregious example of DC letting some writers do whatever they want, no matter what it does to the work of others.

Let's take a quick look at Action Comics Annual #11. Now, it's bad enough--embarrassing enough--that this resolution to the "Last Son" story is appearing MORE THAN ONE YEAR after the previous chapter. Hell, it makes All-Star Superman look like it's published in a timely manner. After much fanfare and hoopla over Richard Donner co-writing this arc, it's gotta suck to have to bail on the story and continue it at some (much, much, much) later date.

But the funny thing is, the rest of the Superman stable was publishing during this delay, and guess what? It doesn't match up at all with how Johns and Donner conclude the arc.

At the end of this story, Lor-Zod (aka Chris Kent), the Kryptonian tyke born in the Phantom Zone and sort of adopted by Lois and Clark, sacrifices himself by going back into the Phantom Zone to seal the breach that is keeping it open. This is clearly a big deal, because Superman gets all broody about it.




Afterwards, Mon-El cannot find any trace of Chris...he's somewhere deep in the Zone, apparently. And in the little character capsules bit in the back of the issue, Johns clearly tells us that Chris is still in the Zone, his whereabouts "remain a mystery."


WAIT A MINUTE!!!During Kurt Busiek's run, haven't we seen many, MANY stories with Chris Kent, set AFTER the defeat of the Phantom Zone invasion? You know, Kal-El gave him a red sun watch, they enrolled him in school, he helped defeat the Daxamites in Busiek's last issue...remember?

Now, there's no way you can suggest that everything we saw in Superman somehow took place between the events portrayed in Action...what, they took a break from saving Metropolis to buy Chris clothes and put him in school?? Even if you were to, somehow, claim that Busiek's Superman stories all took place DURING Last Son, there's no gap, no place where they could have!! And if you want to argue that Chris somehow subsequently escaped the Zone, well, where's that story?? Where's a single line of dialogue, "We're so glad you escaped the Zone?" We never saw it. Busiek apparently wrote his stories from the assumption that Chris would be permanently around, not lost in the Phantom Zone.

It's almost as if nobody at Superman knew how the story in Action was going to end. Which is pretty funny, because both mags had the same editor, Matt Idelson. So which is it, Matt--did you let Busiek write all those stories with Chris Kent when you knew they couldn't happen? Or did you somehow not know that Johns was going to leave Chris lost in the Phantom Zone? Would it be too much to suggest that either way, you resign immediately due to gross incompetence?

No, the sad fact is, right now Geoff Johns is the horse pulling the DC Universe cart, and whatever he says, goes. He IS DC continuity right now, no matter what anybody else writes. What he wants to happen for the Legion is what's going to happen, period, and now it looks like Jim Shooter is being booted off in favor of Johns. Johns has his pet theories about the "emotional spectrum" in Green Lantern, and now much of DC ret-conned to reflect that. He wanted the pre-Crisis Superman back, so he waves his wand and huzzah--with no notice or explanation young Clark Kent hung with the Legion, all colors of Kryptonite are back in play, etc. And if he wants to banish certain characters to the Phantom Zone, well, why the hell should he bother to inform Kurt Busiek, anyway?

Remember...DC doesn't have continuity, it has wikinuity. And Geoff Johns is the one with the eraser.

BONUS KONTINUITY KOP PREDICTION:
Hmmm...Young Chris Kent is trapped in the Phantom Zone for the foreseeable future. Geoff Johns is writing the Legion of 3 Worlds, and probably taking over the regular Legion title. Hmmm, do I smell a way to introduce a NEW Superboy to the Legion, one who is not Clark Kent and thus maybe not subject to the strictures of current legal proceedings?? You read it here first...

Manic Monday--Quick Thinking

From the letters page in Lois Lane #78, 1967:

Nick Fury's Avenger Babies

Hmmmm....too quiet around here...no more Countdown, Final Crisis hasn't started...whatever shall I rant about?

Ahhh, thank you, Bendis.

Let's start with Mighty Avengers #13. For the 3rd consecutive week, Bendis has given us a regular Avengers title in which THE AVENGERS DO NOT APPEAR!!

The pattern is that Mighty Avengers will cover Nick Fury's secret doings doing his time gone walkabout, while New Avengers will look at the Skrull side of things.

I asked this question last week, but let's try again: why is this stuff in the Avengers, and not the Skrullapalooza maxi?? Maybe it's just me, but if you're going to have stories that reveal the backgrounds and characterizations of your main players of your major event, shouldn't that actually APPEAR in that big event? Or if somehow you can't shoe-horn that into your packed series (yeah, right...see below), or maybe as a separate mini-series? Why banish the Avengers from their own books??

Frankly, they should just change the title of Mighty Avengers to Nick Fury's Avengers Babies. Then it would make sense.

I should point out, in Bendis' defense, that in one page here he actually gives Ares' more dialogue and character than in all 12 previous issues of MA combined!! Wow.

By the way, does Fury's plan make a lick of sense? Look, he suspects everyone, so he's collecting "unknown" offspring of super-powered beings. The theory being, that if the Skrulls didn't know they were super-powered, they wouldn't have replaced them.

Huh? A) The theory didn't work so well with Jarvis, did it? B) Wouldn't the Skrulls want to get close to some of the heroes? So even if it wasn't known that Ares' son Alex was Phobos, isn't it possible that a Skrull still replaced him just to get to Ares?? C) Fury's assumption that nobody else knows about his "caterpillars" is dangerously arrogant, ain't it? If Fury can figure out that these kids have powers, why the hell couldn't the Skrulls??

On to Skrullapalooza #2. Sigh.

Here's one of the reasons I'm complaining about all this background taking place in the Avengers. Because NOTHING happens in this issue. Nothing at all.

Look at the plot lines set up in Skrullapalooza #1: fake Pym discombobulating Reed Richards. Not followed up in #2. Agent Brand and the rest of the SWORD agents are about to die in space. Not mentioned in #2. The SHIELD Helicarrier is about to crash into Manhattan. Not mentioned in #2. ALL the Stark tech on Earth is down. Not mentioned in #2, except for Iron Man's armor. There were prison breaks at the Raft and the Cube. Not mentioned in #2. Captain Marvel attacks the Thunderbolts. Not mentioned in #2. Johnny and Franklin and Valeria are being sucked into an exploding Negative Zone. No follow-up.

Yup, from the vast and sprawling epic set up in #1, the ONLY plot line covered is the Avengers fighting the "returned heroes" in the Savage Land. Issue #1 was just a tease, #2 the cold shower.

This might not be so bad, except....

A) It turns into 18 pages (with 3 double page splashes!) of "I'm not a Skrull! Are you a Skrull??"
Talk about padding...
B) Since Leinil Yu cannot draw a competent fight scene, 85% of the time you have no idea of who is doing what to whom.
C) For the second issue in a row, a marauding dinosaur interrupts events. I know we're in the Savage Land, but c'mon, Bendis...we're 2 issues in and you've already run out of original ideas on how to stage things?
D) Once again, Bendis wants us to believe his characters are morons (or, conversely, he can't even follow the premise he's set up). In this issue, we reinforce that when a Skrull dies, they revert to Skrull. Hawkeye and Wolverine and Cage have now seen this several times. Now, given that Hawkeye SAW Mockingbird die, saw the body not turn into a green alien, he knows that she wasn't a Skrull back then. So how can he possibly believe that this one could be real? Not to mention, they know Skrulls can now do powers, including telepathy, so the fact that "Bobbi" knew one of Clint's secrets ain't much proof. And even if you grant that Bendis killed off Hawkeye AND resurrected him just to have him be a complete idiot at a crucial moment, Logan and Luke (the new Heroes for Hire?) should know better. It's very frustrating when the author treats both his characters and audience as morons...

Let's see if Bendis can keep the streak going, and have a dinosaur disrupt another "are you a Skrull" argument in issue #3.

And I still say that, given a Skrull Warship has landed in midtown Manhattan, it's not a "Secret" Invasion anymore...

Krusty of the Week Award--Brad Meltzer!!

Pretty much nothing makes my day more than seeing someone in a position of acclaim hired very specifically to create something (and usually to much publicity and fanfare), and when it turns out that people hate it, they proceed to blame somebody else. "Don't look at me--I didn't do it!!"

From JMS, who has publicly stated that every controversial Spider-Man story he did was really Marvel ediors' faults; to Bendis, who said it was the artist's fault that anyone might perceive the multiple violent S&M-tinged beatdowns of Tigra as misogynist; to the apologists for Will Pfeiffer, who excuse the dreck that was Amazons Attack as not damning becuase it was "editorially mandated." Everyone's got an excuse.

Well, this week, we've got another fine candidate. After ravishing the foundations of the DC Universe in Identity Crisis, author Brad Meltzer is coming back to script a one-shot tie-in to Final Crisis. And, 3 years later, this is what he had to say about Identity Crisis:

"Identity Crisis, for whatever it became and whatever it turned into - so much of it out of my control – is something that I think Dan ran well with it, and I’m still very proud of."

Yup, Brad...it was all DiDio's fault that the DC Universe became a hotbed for rape, brainwashing, spousal murder, etc. It was "out of your control" when you made DC heroes stop being heroes. "Dan ran well with it," you had no impact at all. Hell, you were merely standing around the DC offices one day, and they slapped your name on someone else's script. Yup.

So, for valor above and beyond in avoiding responsibility for what you've created, Brad Meltzer is the winner of this week's Krusty Award!!

Tune in next week, when he blames someone else for that JLA run...

Hey, Wait a Minute--Iron Man Movie

OK, if you haven't seen then Iron Man movie, now's a good time to come back later, because I have a question that's kind of .

So go away. Or, better yet, go see the movie.

Still there? OK, well, after the picture, there be spoilers.

So, despite a pretty tight script, I have ONE FREAKIN' HUGE QUESTION.

As we saw, Tony Stark is captured in Afghanistan, escapes, comes home, announces the Stark Industries ain't making weapons. Stane doesn't like this, and has Tony frozen out by the Stark Board, while selling weapons to terrorist groups. Clear, right?

And after we find out that Stane is a low-life snake (PRO-TIP: don't trust people named Obidiah), it's revealed that Stane was behind the initial attack on Stark, that it was supposed to be an assassination, that he had paid Ten Rings to do it.

OK, wait. Not many people have noticed this, because we knew by this point that Stane stunk. But WHY, exactly, did Stane try to kill Tony Stark earlier??

• Stark was still firmly on board with the "we make weapons to make peace" idea


• Stark was still designing highly profitable weapons systems


• Stark was nowhere near discovering that Stane was selling weapons under the table


• Stark's lifestyle seemed to leave little likelihood that he would become involved in the inner workings of the company

So again, why would Stane try to kill Stark at this point??? After all, if an announcement that Tony wasn't making weapons anymore would send the stock plunging 56 points, what would the announcement that Stark was DEAD, and therefore not making anything, do to stock prices? As we saw, the "chief scientists" Stane had left were, by their own admission, "no Tony Stark."

Now, this is hardly a fatal flaw. We can surmise that Stane had finally grown bored with Stark's act; that Stane knew he wasn't going to get any younger, so if he was going to make a move it would have to be now; that Stane knew with a fat lump of cash from the Jericho sale to the US military, he could weather any financial storm from Stark's death.

Still, this is something the movie should have spelled out for us...a single line of dialogue somewhere is all that it would have taken. And maybe it's in a scene somewhere on the cutting room floor.

But because they didn't (or someone fell asleep at the switch), we're left with the puzzling question of why Stane tried to kill Stark when he was still in Stane's camp.

Bonus spoiler: I 75% expected that it would be revealed that Stane was behind the car accident that killed Tony's parents, as a power play to control the company before Tony came of age. I'm glad they didn't do this...there's an unfortunate tendency in comic book movies to make the villain responsible for EVERYTHING that ever went wrong in a hero's life. It's become a cliche, one the movie makers happily avoided (unless that, too, is on the cutting room floor).

Friday Night Fights--Bibbidy Bobbidy Boo Style!!

OK, let me see the checklist:

New computer fully installed? Check

Files transferred? Mostly

Damned HP computer finally recognizes damned HP scanner? Yup.

Cartoon mice ready? Yup.

Wha??

This week, you see, we take an exciting excursion into the world of Fables. Cinderella, you see, has spent the past few centuries mastering spycraft and martial combat (yes, really). Now, in our mundy world, she has to protect Pinocchio (yes, that Pinocchio) from being captured by agents of the evil Empire of the Fable Lands (look, if you're not reading this book, you're just not gonna get up to speed here, so just roll with it. Plus, READ THIS BOOK!!).

So, unarmed Cinderella, with one arm in a sling, no less, has too take down two skells with guns. Cue the music...take it away, Mice!!

Cinderelly, Cinderelly
Night and day it's Cinderelly

Find the mole, kill the traitors
Undercover, global mopping
And the killing and the maiming
They keep her karate choppin'

She goes on fighting
Till she's very very dizzy
Still they holler
Keep a-killing, Cinderelly

Quite the ballet of violence, eh? Still, there's one cat out there who's worse than two step-sisters and a step-mother: Bahlactus!

Cinderella get her schwerve on in Fables #72, thanks to Willingham and Buckingham. Cinderella will return in Quantum of Solace.

FINAL Final Crisis Preview--Another Tricky Day

Well, the time is almost upon us, when we get yet another DC crisis, this time THE FINAL CRISIS!!

This is no final crisis

This is DC having fun

Even though I've run many, many helpful previews of what I thought might be upcoming in the latest DC cash suck, I can with confidence say that we will not see the Gay Ghost, Jerry Lewis, Gabby Hayes, AAU Superstar, Prez, or Superbaby. Unless, of course, Grant Morrison secretly reads this blog and takes notes. Yeah, I know, bloody unlikely.

No crisis

Getting burned once again

So, what are we getting from the Final Crisis (aka the series that Paul Dini had no idea what it was going to be about so Countdown meandered like a drunken lemur for 52 (ahem 51) weeks)?

Sadly, a strong clue came from DC Universe #0 last week:

Oops. I did that on purpose. Really. Why?

The world seems in a spiral

Life seems such a worthless title

One of the problems with Infinite Crisis (aside from its title being one of the most blatant cases of false advertising since the Neverending Story) was that, to paraphrase my man Winston Churchill, the pudding had no theme.

That it, it was a disparate collection of story threads that really had not a thing to do with each other OR the central story line. Instead of being built from the top down, it felt as if it were built from the bottom up (hence my upside cover--dude, it's a metaphor!!). Let's not start with a the main story and pick out some subplots that tie in well. No, let's throw out all these plot lines--villains teaming up, the Spectre's war on magic, the Rann-Thanagar war, OMAC's--and try to connect them to the main story. Seriously, what the hell did the bloody magic war have to do with anything? NADA.

Just because there's space

In your life it's a waste

And that's what DCU #0 showed us. A bunch of stories that, even if you think they're interesting individually, seem to have no possible relationship to each other, let alone whatever the main thrust of Final Crisis may be. If there is one.

So our big FINAL Final Crisis Preview question: does this pudding have a theme?? or is it one big gloppy mess thrown at the wall to see what sticks? We'll find out soon...

This is no Final Crisis

Just another tricky day for DC

Lyrics adapted from Pete Townshend.

Best reason to bring back Superbaby?

No Time For Love, Doctor Jones

You know, every day it seems there's another reason I'm not allowed to write movies or comics.

Today's reason?
If I were writing the new Indiana Jones movie, I would make the villain turn out to be Short Round, all grown up but incredibly twisted thanks to his experiences in the Temple of Doom. He's out for revenge, and pissed at Indy for ruining his life...

And that's why I'm not allowed to write movies.

Next up: Indiana Jones vs. Goldfinger. C'mon, how do you think Goldfinger got all that gold in the first place? Stealing from archaeological sites, of course...

Gotta Catch 'Em All

In response to my pop quiz yesterday, the uncredible Captain Infinity said, "I think Mark's got the right idea. Stan needs to show up in random movies no matter what it is."

All, but most people forget that Stan the Man has been around forever, and has made many a cameo over the years.

For example, who could forget the classic and hilarious unbilled appearance he made in Citizen Kane?

Not to mention the "don't blink or you'll miss it" scene from The Godfather:

And most people miss this one...you have to look closely:

Stan Lee...comic creator AND movie star!!

I don't have Photoshop, I really suck at art thingies, and I'm gonna get in trouble for this, aren't I?

Manic Monday--True Believer Quiz

True or False:

Any movie with a Stan Lee cameo is automatically better than any movie without a Stan Lee cameo.

Excelsior, mother f#$%^r!!

This message brought to you by the Society for More Stan Lee Cameos

Greater Love Hath No Man...

...than to seem to give his life for his fellow man, but he knows that he's going to be resurrected later, so really, how much love is that, anyway?

Woo hoo, I'm back.

Well, as everyone is all in a furor over the impending (?) return (?) of Barry Allen, I've a couple of thoughts on the matter, as well as DC Universe #0 (aka let's pretend Countdown never happened).

First things first: Despite press releases and much online angst, we actually don't have any real clue or info about how, when, or in what form Barry is returning in. So far, all that we've actually seen is a lightning bolt over a strip club--and what the hell was up with that, anyhow? (editor's note--If you'd been dead 22 years, isn't that the first place you'd head?) (snell's note--good point) Maybe he's going to be some kind of elder, like they did with Billy Batson, maybe he's just going to turn around and sacrifice himself again, maybe it's all one big tease.

So let's chill, and see what actually plays out, shall we?

Which advice I'm now going to completely ignore. Surprise.

Let me echo and amplify things a couple of others out there have said. Kevin said: "...I have to say I'm not crazy about characters like Wally West and Kyle Rayner getting sidelined because somebody wanted more stories with the original guys."

That is so true, because as much as DC wants to play up "legacy characters," current DC policy seems to outlaw more than one version being active at a time. We want Bart Allen to be the Flash? Wally has to be shuffled off to Limbo. We want Wally back? Bart has to die.

And look what's happened to poor Kyle Rayner ever since Hal Jordan was resurrected: lost his book, now he's Ion, now he's not, now he's Parallax, now he's not, now he's a minor supporting character in the Green Lantern Corps, now he's a "Challenger of the Unknown..."

If Barry Allen returns in full human form as the Flash, does anybody seriously believe that Wally West will receive better treatment? They'll slap some stupid costume and name on him (official prediction: Speedforce!) and be relegated to appearing in the Titans book. If he's lucky.

You see, that's the problem with some of these nostalgia-driven moves lately in the DC Universe: these writers want us to respect the glories of the Silver Age, which is fine, but then they turn around and show NO respect for the comics other people grew up with. It's a zero-sum game for them. Geoff Johns wants to bring back Hal Jordan? Fine. But because he and DC editorial didn't give a rat's ass about Kyle Rayner, a character a lot of people loved, has been reduced to the equivalent of a bench-warming utility infielder.

And if they want to bring back Barry Allen? I don't agree with that (more below), but I can be one board for that without too much crying. But I fear that said resurrection, under the current regime, just means they're just going to flush away 20 years of character growth and supporting cast of Wally. Wally will lose his mag, lose his JLA position, lose his supporting cast, and be relegated to appearing in the Titans and an occasional Mark Waid written Brave and the Bold.

Check back in a year and tell me I was wrong.

Meanwhile, there's the whole issue of resurrection itself. Val, as usual, puts it better than I could when she says "It's just that every time you bring these characters back, you undermine the emotional resonance of those original stories surrounding the hero's tragic demise."

Let me add to that, in response to some things others have said (including Morrison himself).

Yes, it is "only" a comic book. Yes, characters in that medium come back from the dead "all the time."

But if EVERY character comes back, EVERY time? If no death is permanent? If the apparent death a characters is used again and again and again as a plot device(hello, Judd Winick), doesn't that drain ANY tension, any suspense, out of a story? Why care if the hero or sidekick is in a jam, if we know any death is just temporary? Doesn't that say there are no consequences to any actions? That therefore, no sacrifice is truly heroic, since there's no real sacrifice?

And doesn't it say something about the unwavering stupidity of comic characters if they don't notice and react to this phenomenon of their universe? "Gee, Lois, every person I've ever known who has died has come back, including me! So I'm not going to bother to rescue you. You'll be back." Go ahead, Grant Morrison, put that line into All-Star Superman, if you really believe that death is too "cruel" too inflict on comic readers.

And as to the idea that "they don't have to die, because they're fictional creations," well, sure. No literature ever has fictional creations die. The Comedian and Rorshach, after all, came back to life in Watchmen. Shakespeare immediately gave us the follow up Hamlet 2.

Oops, bad examples. I had always thought Morrison aspired to make comics, at least in part, a more mature medium. Instead, he aspires to have us wake up to find Bobby Ewing in the shower.

So welcome back, Barry. We've missed you. Too bad your return is going devalue your sacrifice, screw up Wally's career, and render an entire universe to the level of a child's wish to "make it not have happened." But, we're comic readers of the last 20 years, Barry--we'll sacrifice, so you don't have to. Now that's heroism in the 21st century.

Now paging Uncle Ben....

Friday Night Fights--Rearrange the Furniture Style!!

A true black and white comic this week, as we answer the question no one dared ask: what if Alexander Graham Bell invented a special "omnicle" that gave Helen Keller sight and hearing, not to mention superhuman strength and agility?




That's what would happen...

How did Bahlactus burn his hand? Putting the smackdown on you suckas!!

The quiet vibration land of insane violence comes from Helen Killer #1

Thursday Quickies

I have a yearly commitment that means A) I am always away for Free Comic Book Day, with no way to get to any comic shop, and they're always gone by the time I get home, and B) I always miss the opening of the summer kickoff movie, so I don't get to see Iron Man until Sunday, or later. Grrrr....

Said commitment also means no time for blogging, Doctor Jones. I have a Friday Night Fights scheduled to publish on Friday (thank you Blogger-in-Draft). But that's about it. And I'll be so jammed up I may not get to any more substantial posts until Monday. We'll see.

But I can't leave for the weekend without a few quick and thoughtless jabs, can I? And it will make a nice break some some of my more...ahem...epic-length posts recently. So what do we have out this week?

Green Lantern #30:
Many bloggers have asked why is it necessary to have 6 issues to tell the "Secret Origin" of Hal Jordan. There are three reasons:
A) Geoff Johns has a lot of time to kill until he can start Blackest Night.
B) It takes that long to retcon every single aspect of previous GL history so it ties in with your odd color spectrum theories
C) When fully 1/3 of the pages in the book are splash pages, it takes quite awhile to tell a story, bro. Seriously...do we really need a full page splash when Carol Ferris or an unmutated Hector Hammond walks in? Really?

New Avengers #40:
For the second week in a row, Bendis has given us an Avengers issue which features absolutely ZERO Avengers, just flashbacks establishing the background of Skrullapalooza. Two questions:
A) Why isn't this stuff actually IN Secret Invasion? Where it belongs if you seriously want to tell this story (and sell the mega-series to newbies)?
B) Why doesn't Marvel just change the title of the books to "Whatever Bendis Feels Like Writing About This Month"?

Action Comics #864:
So, for the 7th straight issue (that's more than 1/2 a year) Johns has had Superman reduced to a guest star in his own magazine. I'm just sayin'. At least it looks like next issue he's actually getting back to telling, you know, Superman stories...

Unless you're going to make Action into DC Comics Presents, like John Byrne did...

Blue Beetle #26:
Let me assure you that I don't mean this in any Lou Dobbsian way, but...with a series teetering on the verge of cancellation due to low sales, is it at all wise to do an issue all in Spanish? Can you imagine a potential new reader picking this one up? And never coming back?

So: good sign (because DC has enough faith in the book to try something like this) or bad sign (because DC knows the books going to be cancelled, so why not let the creators do something crazy)? I report, you decide.


Legion of Super-Heroes #41:
You know, back in the Silver Age, Shooter's Legion stories were never...this...glacially...paced, were they? Seriously, how many more shots of Lightning Lad bickering with bureaucrats do we need before Shooter believes we understand? How many issues pondering the mystery of the "Destroyers" before the story advances one iota? How many pages of Legionnaires shrilly arguing with one another?

Sigh...it feels as if Shooter is just marking time until Johns takes over (which he's obviously gunning for, with 7 issues of Action dedicated to the Legion, and the upcoming Legion of 3 Worlds).

DC Universe #0:
Well, Dan DiDio in this week's DC Nation boasts "this book is the bridge from Countdown to Final Crisis to Final Crisis." Well, as I asked not 3 days ago, "Anyone care to wager on how much of this gets followed up in Final Crisis? Any of it?"

The correct answer. ZERO. Not a single panel of this ties in in any way whatsoever to ANYTHING that happened in Countdown.

I guess DiDio needs to look up the definition of "bridge." Thanks for raping my wallet for 52 (ahem 51) weeks, DC. I expect my refund any day now.

One final note (for now) on the "big reveal": if you want to have it turn out that the entire book was narrated by a particular character, shouldn't Morrison or Johns actually have had SOME of that narrator's dialogue sound like it could have come from that character's mouth? Because that narrator sure doesn't talk like XXXXXX ever did...

Immortal Iron Fist #14:

Like bacon in comics form.

Now let it be known I will forever pledge my fealty to Marvel if they get Fraction & Brubaker to write an "Immortal Weapons" ongoing...



OK, gotta jet. I'll be back next week, along with some exciting announcements for something upcoming around these parts...hee hee...