Things That Make Me Smile--Flaming Carrot

Flaming Carrot in general, and this cover in particular:

I-AM-FASCIST-MAN!!!

Well, by now most of us have checked out the teaser trailer for Iron Man.

The following is from a DC panel at the Baltimore Comic Con, as reported by Newsarama:

Are there plans for any comic books where the bad guys win? Shooter: "Are you reading them lately? They win all the time."
Waid then joked, "Iron Man for instance. That would be one."
The fan said, "I thought Iron Man was a good guy." Waid replied, "Yeah, I did too."

You've got to wonder: did Jon Favreau have any idea when he signed on for this that Marvel was about to make Tony Stark one of the most despised "heroes" in the comics world? Did they warn him?

And perhaps the ultimate question: what impact will transforming Iron Man into a murdering, civil right abridging, politically manipulating, arrogant bastard will have on ticket sales among one of the movie's key audiences--the comic readers??

It's really cool they used the song, though.

DC Has Always Hated Its Fans

As much as we looove to pick on DC's current editorial staff for being non-responsive to the needs and desires of its fans, it all fairness I have to point out:

It's always been that way.

Presenting a letter from Jimmy Olsen #121, July 1969. This letter has not been edited by me in any way.

Wow. The editor just called the guy "dumb." Not just dumb, but emphasized dumb. In a public forum, he dissed a faithful reader.

How dare Alan Williams of Albany, NY write in questioning the accuracy of anything written in Jimmy Olsen?

Who knew Mike Carlin was editing letter columns back then...? DC, holding fans in contempt for 70 years and counting!

***

On a more personal note, this is my 50th post. Woo hoo! Props to myself for (unexpectedly) having the discipline to actually do this every day. And extra bonus props to those who've been reading, and commenting. I'll keep trying to get better. Now if only DC and marvel would make the same promise...

Final Crisis Preview--Super****

As we continue to approach the newest, latest reboot of the DC Universe, I've continued to try to put forward useful suggestions. You know, ways to improve the DC universe, and characters to revive who could add some spark and sizzle. I've already offered ideas on reviving a lost chivalrous hero of the past and restoring the ancient DC tradition of comics starring comics.

But now I have my most important suggestion...a way for DC to overcome its biggest current problem. Right now, DC isn't allowed to mention the word Superboy in any of their comics, due to some...legal difficulties. Now, this causes a lot of problems, especially since they're trying to use Superboy-Prime as a villain in the Sinestro Corps story. Not to mention that they've been running circles around themselves with "young Superman" references while trying to re-retcon the "original" Legion of Superheroes back into Superman's life.

My solution to this problem?


Yes, that's right, Superbaby. Superboy may be verboten, but there's no lawsuit against Superbaby, the lovable adventures of Clark Kent as a Kryptonian toddler!!

Look, all of the Superbaby stories were ret-conned away post-first-Crisis. So just as we've decided to restore the "Clark Kent went to the future and hung with the Legion" stories to the canon, well, we can (and should!) do the same with all of the Superbaby stories.

Besides, who doesn't love stories with super-powered, grammatically deficient toddlers?

C'mon, DC, this will work....

Bonus Freudian panel of the day:


All images from Superboy #130. Go ahead....sue me.

Olsen Vs. Superman Week--It Was Only a Dream!

There's only one way I can end Olsen Vs. Superman week. I mean, there's lots and lots (and lots) more I could share with you...but the only true, perfect way to end the week is:



My friends, that might be my absolute favorite cover ever. EVER. It just so perfectly encapsulates so many things I love about late Silver Age DC: the attempts to be hip (while disapproving of of such hipsters), Jimmy's resentment of authority figures, the amazing title...this cover sends me into paroxysms of glee. Chris Sims has Rom, I have Hippie Olsen's Hate-In!! Even the blurb in the first panel of the story is perfect--perfect!!--as middle-aged white collar writers try to capture the "lingo" of that baffling youth culture:


Anyhoo, our sordid tale gets started when Perry White assigns Jimmy a hot story:


Jimmy's method-dressing gets him with Guru Kama, but wait--the guru is really a hood hiding out from the police!! What are the odds??

Realizing he's stumbled into a goldmine by having Superman's "best friend" in his commune, he convinces Jimmy (and the other hippies) of the power of dreams. And because Jimmy Olsen is the dumbest lad on God's green Earth, he can't tell the difference between when he's dreaming and when he's not:



So what is the first thing Olsen does in his "dream?": That's right, aggravated assault on his employer!



Well, things continue in this vein for several pages, as Jimmy uses his "dreams" to avenge himself on Perry, Lucy Lane, Superman...Now, most of us, if we had dreams about hurting those closest to us, we might become a tad bit concerned. But not Jimmy, as the "guru" eggs him on.


Sure, why not kill my best friend in my dreams? So Jimmy gets a box full of kryptonite marbles that he has in his souvenir room (?!) and makes up a bunch of kryptonite love beads for his hippie cohort. The inevitable result?


Fortunately, Jimmy comes out of his solipsistic haze long enough to spot a clue that maybe, just maybe, he's not dreaming (Gee, you think??). Which leads us to this panel, which I teased last week:


And of course, we have to have Kal-El deliver the stern moral:


Superman solves the culture wars. Beautiful.

And so ends Olsen Vs. Superman Week. This week we've learned that best pals constantly turn on each other; that it's OK to fool your buddies into thinking that you're dying; that it's OK to abuse or kill your friends, as long as it's only a dream; and that DC was certain that sold comic books, because even when that stuff didn't actually happen in the story, they'd put it on the cover. But most importantly we learned this:


Jimmy Olsen is a big big baby.

Jimmy Olsen's Hippie Hate-In took place in Jimmy Olsen #118. It's my scene, and it freaks me out, baby! Speaking of which, Jimmy as a baby is from Jimmy Olsen #78

Friday Night Fights--Olsen Style!!

It's Olsen vs. Superman week here at Slay, Monstrobot, so we've got to keep the theme running, don't we? Of course we do!! So here's Jimmy Olsen kicking the living crap out of Superman!


Boff! Whamo! Splatt (with two "T's"!) Krak! Thud! Oh, yeah!!!

OK, I'm obliged to note that a) It wasn't really Superman, it was a thug dressed up like Superman; and b) Jimmy was under the influence of Maximo's "psycho-gas."

But don't let that make you think that Jimmy can't hold his own!! Because when Jimmy finally gets his chance to take down Maximo, leader of Assassins Anonymous, he pulls the same ass-whooping:


Lesson: Don't mess with a red-head.

Hong Kong Bahlactus, number 1 Superguy has commanded, we all obey.

Jimmy's sound-effects laden fighting skills courtesy of Jimmy Olsen # 103. Don't make Olsen angry. You wouldn't like him when he's angry.

Olsen Vs. Superman Week--Murder Most Foul!!

We should point out that, while Jimmy Olsen is Superman's Pal, he is not Clark Kent's Pal. As is demonstrated by:

Well, this scene really does happen!! Jimmy kills Clark (or so he thinks), and tries to conceal the crime. And he's ready to use the "gamma weapon" on Supes.

Of course, this is DC, so there's an excuse that let's Jimmy off the hook for killing Clark--he was controlled by Parallax!!! Oh, wait...no, he thought Clark was Maxwell Lord...no, wait...

No the real story here is that a secret criminal "assassination gang" is forcing Jimmy to work for them. How secret??

SPOILER ALERT: We eventually learn the organization is named "Assassins Anonymous"...I guess there was no real need for all the secrecy, huh?

Anyway, they use both mind-control gas AND an electronic mind-control set of laurel leaves (?!?!) to brainwash and control Jimmy. They send him to the Daily Planet, because Clark has hidden in his desk a list of "secret kryptonite caches." Question 1: why???? Question 2: if it's so secret, why does everyone, even the criminal element, know that Clark has the list??

Clark walks in on Jimmy rifling his desk, and:

Now, a nanosecond after shooting Clark, Jimmy's brainwashing wears off. You'd think he would do the responsible thing, and alert the authorities and Superman. After all, he wasn't in control of his actions, and in DC good guys are never responsible for their bad actions.

But never forget, Jimmy Olsen is a selfish, cowardly bastard who tries to hide his crime like a 6-year old who broke the lamp:

Way to man up, James Bartholomew Olsen. Of course, Superman tries to get Jimmy to 'fess up:

So, does Jimmy lay it all out for the Man of Steel? What do you think?

But a sudden pang of "conscience" makes Jimmy change his mind. He instead sends Supes off into the death-trap AA has prepared for him, involving a sexy French scientist, a time machine, kryptonite, and the abominable snowman (please, don't ask, you're better off not knowing).

So let's sum up: under mind control, Jimmy murders Kent. No longer under mind control, Jimmy doesn't immediately seek justice for Clark, or turn over the AA, or stop the plot against Superman. He just tries to protect his own skin. He's even seriously tempted to kill Superman just to cover his tracks!!

Fortunately for all, through an elaborate counter-plot involving finger-tapping Morse Code, a felt-tip pen, a fake circuit burning out, and double exposure (please don't ask) Jimmy and Dr. Sex Kitten eventually save Superman and foil the AA. And apparently, Jimmy is going to win the Pulitzer for being a murderous, cowardly bastard:

As a final question, just what would that "gamma weapon" have done, anyway:

Oh, man, they had this and gave us that craptacular story instead??? What a rip-off...

This full-length epic was presented in Jimmy Olsen #103. Clark never stopped looking over his shoulder afterwards...

Olsen Vs. Superman Week--I Promised You Monkeys

If there is one thing we have learned during Olsen Vs. Superman Week, it is this:

When Jimmy turns on Kal-El, the consequences are pretty steep: murder, torture, the unmasking of Clark Kent. But Superman is the Ashton Kutcher of this relationship. Whenever he turns on Jimmy Olsen, it's almost, well, a mild-mannered punking. "Sorry, Jimmy, you have to live in a slum. Ha ha!" "Sorry, Jimmy, someone else is my best pal now." No death, no torture...just a (relatively gentle) tweaking.

Which brings us to:


My oh my.

Allow me to assure you, this scene actually happens. Really. 100% accurate. I'm in heaven!

Now, I'm not going to go into too much depth about this story. I don't think we need a deep examination of the story's...um...outdated views of Africans. Suffice it to say:

• Once again the Daily Planet has an apparently unlimited budget, as they send both Clark and Jimmy to "cover the background story" of a "jungle epic" that is being filmed in Africa.


• The local tribesman worship Bruna, the ape, as a goddess.


• After viewing King Kong, Bruna is inspired to save Jimmy and take him as a mate.


• Whenever Jimmy tries to get away, Bruna goes berserk.


• After witnessing Superman's strength and flight, the villagers decide that "with such powers, he must be the greatest witch doctor in the jungle!"


• The local witch doctor is sick, so the chief asks Superman to perform the wedding ceremony for Bruna and Jimmy.


• By getting Bruna to view another movie, wherein a gorilla throws a man off a cliff, they trick her into throwing her off a cliff, and Superman catches her, and everyone goes home. LOL!
  

So that's it. Lame, occasionally offensive, and fairly inconsequential. But "The Bride of Jungle Jimmy" (or at least the cover they chose to use) reinforces this dichotomy: when Superman acts out, he's just a prankster older brother. When Jimmy acts out, he's a selfish homicidal maniac.

Which leads to tomorrow: MURDER MOST FOUL!!!

Spine-meltingly great cover from Jimmy Olsen #98, December 1966. Remember, if you marry a monkey, get a pre-nup. Jungle lawyers are tough.

Olsen Vs. Superman Week--When the Covers Are Lies

Earlier during Olsen Vs. Superman Week I discussed how, despite being "pals," a healthy percentage of stories turned out to be Jimmy Olsen trying to bring down Superman, or Superman trying to punish Jimmy. These two characters constantly expressed a fair amount of resentment towards each other, and I wondered if maybe this was a very real "other side of the same coin" to the reader identification character Jimmy is.

Sure, every reader wanted to be Superman's pal. But, apparently, a substantial number also felt that one or the other needed to be taken down a peg; either Superman was too perfect or Jimmy too obnoxious. Why else would the editors keep running these stories, and keep making them the cover stories?

In fact, even when the stories involved NO Olsen vs. Superman at all, DC still ran covers portraying the stories as such. That must mean these covers moved issues, right?

Example one: Jimmy Olsen #135, January 1971.


Great cover. But the flipping scene never happens...not even close!!

This was one of the earliest of the Kirby issues, the one that introduced Cadmus, and maybe the editors had no earthly idea how to market such oddness. But the cover is so completely unrepresentative that I had to read it twice to make sure I hadn't missed something. Specifically:

• There is no Jimmy attacking Superman, at all



• The title of the story is the "Evil Factory," but it's not Jimmy's; it's talking about Cadmus



• We do see some miniature-clone type Supermen (along with Olsens and Newsboy Legionnaires), but they're controlled by Darkseid's droogs, and they never attack Superman.
  

In other words, the cover is almost as large a lie as possible while still maintaining some shred of connection to the story. When they don't know how to sell it, the editors default to convincing the public that it's an Olsen Vs. Superman story.

Example two: Jimmy Olsen #109, March 1968.

What the cover bills as a "shockumentary" is really an imaginary story. Sigh. But even worse, the scene the cover depicts doesn't actually happen! It's just a dream that the imaginary Luthor has!! A dream in an imaginary story. This is an extra silly story. Basically, "several years ago," Luthor uses a time viewer to see that Jimmy Olsen will become Superman's pal, and instead he contrives to rescue Jimmy from an accident so Olsen will become Luthor's pal, and help him to unknowingly destroy Superman. This involves hypothetical identical twins, sisters with psychic powers, and both Luthor and Jimmy behaving so stupidly that you hope that this was the first universe consumed in the original Crisis.

But in the story, Jimmy never turns on Superman, never schemes to unmask him, never becomes evil. Luthor just tries to arrange it so Jimmy unknowingly and accidentally kills Kal-El. Only in Luthor's odd three-panel extraneous nightmare does Olsen turn to evil. SO it was an even more imaginary bit in an imaginary story!!

So of course, since those are the panels that are least representative of the story, one of them is chosen for cover glory. Because apparently, kids loved to read about Olsen Vs. Superman.

By the way, they're both great covers, but LIARS!! LIARS!!

Bonus panel: this is only an imaginary story, I know, but what exactly is Lex revealing to us here? Too much information....

Olsen Vs. Superman Week--Superman's Revenge

OK, so I lied about the monkeys coming today. Later this week, I promise. Meanwhile...yesterday we looked at what a dickweed Jimmy Olsen could be to his supposed pal. Today we visit what happens when Superman abuses the friendship:

Once again, we have a cover that's completely true. This scene actually occurs (more or less), and isn't a dream or a red kryptonite hallucination. Which leaves us with one conclusion--Superman is a jerk.

For reasons beyond the ken of mere mortals, Perry White has assigned Jimmy Olsen to do a major expose on Metropolis' slums. This is kind of interesting, because a) Perry gives the same assignment to Lois Lane 6 months later, and b) unlike Lois' trip to "Little Africa," when Jimmy investigates, the "slums of Metropolis" are occupied by 100% white people. Hmmm...

Anyhoo, after Clark declares that Jimmy's story is soooo good that "it could mean the Pulitzer Prize," Perry White shows he skipped a couple of days of journalism ethics class:



Despite Perry kow-towing to The Man, Jimmy is undeterred, and takes his own life savings ($300!) to rent an apartment in the slum. He plans to write a book, and a "publisher friend promised to print it!"

But, Jimmy is a pretty big pussy. Despite the fact that this "ghetto" is filled with lily-white old folks, groovy college kids, and no minorities whatsoever, he freaks out, and commits the single most unjustified use of the signal watch EVER:

What next? "I can't find my remote control...Zee zee zee zee?"

Well, Superman does show up to help, although he can't help making a snide remark about Jimmy's living conditions:


Now, maybe Kal-El is a bit peeved at Jimmy calling him for no good reason. But when Jimmy asks for help, Supes shows what a petty dweeb he is:

OK, so you only help Jimmy out when he consults with you on what projects he does? C'mon, dude--Jimmy is trying to expose a slum lord and help people improve their living conditions (which is more than you're doing), and you refuse to help because he didn't get the Superman seal of approval?? Even after you, as Clark, praised him for how important this story was? Oh, Superman, you've crossed over into dickweedery, haven't you?

Now, I'll grant you, this is better than the cover, which implies Superman is punishing Jimmy for being a "wise guy" by forcing him to live in a slum. But not much better. Jimmy's taken on a hard and icky case, and the Man of Steel can't be bothered to get his fingers dirty (see below).

Even worse, Superman "carelessly" exposes Jimmy to great danger:

Smooth move, Man of Tomorrow! Fortunately for Metropolis' downtrodden, Jimmy perseveres. Without any help from Superman, he gets gets kidnapped, has his head shaved (!), and tracks down and exposes "Mr. Squeeze," the mysterious slum lord. But in the end, Superman swoops in and tries to claim all the glory.
So, to summarize: Jimmy writes a story Clark seems to be jealous of; because Jimmy doesn't "consult" with Superman first, Kal-El refuses to help him out; and only after Jimmy does all the hard work does Superman actually do anything to help anyone. Verdict: Dickweed.

I must note though, that Superman usually isn't as big a dickweed as Jimmy. When Jimmy goes Hal Jordan on Superman, it's usually major and life-threatening: revealing his secret identity, helping villains kill him, murdering Clark Kent. Superman's betrayals are usually much milder, and involve leaving Jimmy in embarrassing situations or treating him like dirt. And then there's the monkeys...

Today's humiliation of Jimmy comes from Jimmy Olsen #127, March 1970. True Fact: this issue was the inspiration for the show Good Times.

Bonus panel with inside mouse-over joke only for MST3K fans:

Olsen V. Superman Week--Jimmy Is a Dickweed

We all know that one of the reasons for Superman's Pal Jimmy Olsen was to provide some identification for the younger reader--let them feel that, even young, disrespected and powerless, they can contribute to Superman's success.

But man o man, armchair psychologists who spend too much time reading Jimmy Olsen stories quickly realize that there is also a huge undercurrent of tension, resentment and thinly-concealed hatred between these two "pals."

So let's start off Olsen vs. Superman Week with one of the more egregious examples of Jimmy being a colossal dickweed:



Yup, this story really happens, and the cover is 100% accurate. It starts as Superman is saving the world from some space-termites, when:

Unfortunately:


Things don't look good for our Pal Jimmy:
Now, in no big surprise, Jimmy manages to stage a miraculous recovery. But, dickweed that he is, he decides to use his illness to betray his "best friend":
Now, obviously, this kind of behavior should immediately disqualify you the position of "Superman's Pal." It's bad enough to pretend to be dead without letting your friends know you're alive. But to pretend to be dying, and use that to extract your best friend's most precious secret, for personal gain--well, that's dickweedery*, pure and simple.
Of course, Jimmy maybe has some reason to treat Superman like this. After he checks out of the hospital, he observes this:
So, Superman definitely earns some of Jimmy's dickweedery* this issue. Unless there's some contractual clause that requires the position as "Superman's Pal" to be filled at all times, why in the world couldn't he have waited until after Jimmy's funeral to replace him?? And "I've had my eye on you as a replacement??!!" The context of the story makes clear that all of this happens during a 1-day period. Does that mean that Supes was planning on replacing Olsen even before this incident?!?! We'll never know, and we're left with one of the greater DC mysteries...what ever became of Carl Bentley, Superman's Best Pal In Waiting??

Anyway, Jimmy can't wait to twist the knife:

Yup. "Sweat, you Benedict Arnold." Of course, Jimmy was going to betray you even before he knew you were going to bertay him, so I guess you both suck, huh?

Now, in a series of page-filling coincidences both tedious and unbelievable, Jimmy comes to believe that Superman has been lying to people all day. So when we get to the big TV show:


D'oh!!

What an ethical swamp we have here. Jimmy recovers from an illness, but pretends to be ill to get a big scoop by punking his best friend! But it turns out Jimmy's best friend couldn't wait for him to die, and was going to replace him!! But then Jimmy reveals that he's still alive, and makes his pal sweat as he pledges to reveal the secret to the world! Jimmy then, somehow, manages to "deduce" that he was wrong, so he can't go through with the unmasking. BUT it's not because he is convinced that the unmasking itself is wrong--he just believes he has the wrong info!! Meanwhile, despite a narrow and undeserved escape, Clark laughs and laughs and leaves Jimmy to twist in the wind. And thanks to unbelievably stupid "deduction" Jimmy makes, none of these issues are at all resolved

Zoinks! This is what passes for friendship in Silver Age DC?? Yes, yes it is. Friendship back then was merely a seething cauldron of hatred, resentment, gamesmanship, trickery and humiliation. Only random chance, chicanery, coincidence and stare decisis kept men folk from devolving into constant physical battle and, probably, cannibalism.

And that's just day 1 of Olsen Vs. Superman Week. Tomorrow: monkeys!!

All panels from Jimmy Olsen #121, 1969. 

**"Dickweedery" is copyright 2007 by Slay, Monstrobot of the Deep. No, it's not a swear word. Feel free to use it in front of your mom.

Great Moments in DC Science

From Green Lantern #6, 1961:


Hmmm....maybe it's because this is a reprint, but the monster does sort of look yellow to me. Anyhoo, it turns out there's a really good reason why Hal Jordan's ring can't effect this (apparently) non-yellow beast:


Oh, where to start? It's not enough that you had to give your hero a fairly ridiculous weakness, like yellow. A color. Whatever. But apparently, that wasn't enough, and by issue #6 they were having to invent things like "infra-yellow" in order to make enemies that GL couldn't beat in 3 pages. Infra-freakin'-yellow. An entire nation of youth is drowned by scientific illiteracy.

Still, it's better than the "yellow is the color of fear" crap they've given us this decade.