Sunday, June 8, 2008

Good News, Bad News

A quick look at what last week hath wrought:

Bait and switch cover alertDetective Comics # 845:

Good News: Hey, look, Batman is actually doing detective work!! In Detective Comics, no less!!

Bad News: 6 pages of watching Batman have online chats? SIX pages?!? SIX?!?!?! Hey, Paul Dini, this isn't Countdown...you don't need to pad that much (or do you??)!

Is Stark dancing there, or what?Invincible iron Man #2:

Good News: Hey, look, Matt Fraction has introduced a really cool looking news superhero team!!

Bad News: D'oh!! They're dead already!! They went under more quickly than The Order!!

More Good News: Iron Man's conversation with Thor. Was JMS taking notes?

New Format? More Pages?? How about More Often??Criminal #3:

Good News: Man, this book rocks.

Bad News: I want more now!!

More Bad News: Why aren't more people reading this? C'mon, folks!! You say you want more non-superhero comics...well, here it is!!


Prfemise of the bokk: every singel person in the Marvel Universe is stuoid stupid, stupidAvengers/Invaders #2:

Bad News: The book really kind of sucks.

Good News: You're going to see actual Avengers, both New and Mighty, here...and that's more than you can say for any other Avengers book for the past few months (and likely the next few, too).

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Alternate Universe Issues?

Remember that bit from comedian Patton Oswald's blog 3 months ago?
Brian’s already let me read the first three issues of SECRET INVASION, which is Marvel Comics’ big summer dust-up.

After COUNTDOWN and CIVIL WAR, I was going to take a break from these big summer crossover thingies. But this SECRET INVASION...holy shit.

This is not a big, disposable, multi-issue donnybrook. This is a blitzkrieg from page one. Bendis basically worked out a remorseless, nothing-but-business tearing down of the Marvel Universe. And it’s clear the story has been set up...for...years. And the deaths are treated so off-handedly, with no appeal or remorse -- and this is three issues in.

So far, each issue has also ended with a shit-your-pants, ’Wait, what in the FUCK?!" moment...after, of course, about three or four what-the-fuck moments tossed off during the course of each story. As it stands right now, someone’s holding a possible key to stopping the Skrulls, and it’s the LAST person in the Marvel Universe you’d want with that info. And no, it’s not Dr. Doom.
Well, after reading the first three issues myself, I'm a wonderin'...when do we get to read the same 3 issues Oswalt got to? Because I sure haven't seen the same stuff he's talkin' about...

Friday, June 6, 2008

Friday Night Fights--Valley of Elah Style!!

Let's get a little bit old school this week,shall we?

It's like Justin Timberlake vs Kimbo Slice...but better!!!
Which is why slings were banned by the Geneva convention
ALWAYS end your decapitation scene with a joke!
Ewww...that Bible could get pretty graphic, couldn't it? Where was Frederic Wertham to protect us from that? Huh? Huh?

Ain't no sling gonna take down Bahlactus!!

Decapitation theater brought to you by Larry Gonick in his brilliant Cartoon History of the Universe, Volume 4.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Tales From the Quarter Bin--NasCubs!!

Some days, the quarter bin is like a trip to all your nightmares. Case in point:

Must..resist...gag...reflex!Ladies and gentlemen, please take a closer look at NasCubs #1 (1991):

I've never heard of these clowns before...'offical?'
And closer still:

Putting Richard Petty in here is like putting Wolverine in a marvel book...instant sales!!Well, the cover certainly doesn't lie, as we follow the incredibly cute NasCub plans to become the official mascots of Nascar by stalking Richard Petty:

Annoyingly calm in the face of Satan's minionsSo, let's meet the NasCubs!!

Safety?? I guess he should have had a talk with Dale Earnhardt Sr...
Physical fitness by driving in circles for 6 hours...
Nasacar without trash???
OK, guys, you'ree getting away from our key demographic, here...
No, drugs, just lots and lots of moonshine!!Will Richard Petty fall for the sepia-toned propaganda of cute animals who drive dangerous cars?

Apparently, Nascar uses Ye Olde Times scrolls for officail announcementsDamn, he fell for it! oh, wait, I'm supposed to be rooting FOR these demonic creatures...

Diabetics just went into comas...Watch in terror, as Nascar is assimilated by cuteness!!

No one slames a door like Richard Petty!!
Now, off to our orgy at Wonerland Ranch!Let's take one more look at those cuties!!

The abyss gazes alsoJust for the record, someone at the comic shop made a reference to the quality of the lettering in this fine title, and suggested that it tied in somehow with the alleged literacy levels of Nascar fans. But not me...I didn't say that...

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Back To the Drawing Board

Not that I would ever pick on a kid who wrote into DC with a suggestion for a hero to use in Dial H For Hero, but there's a reason most of them never became professional comic writers:

Duo Damsel merges with Color Girl...
OK, so if there's nothing red or purple around, you're helpless?
Convenient plant life...
Throwing giant apples at dinosaurs, or narrating porn??
So, that's a 10-year-old girl wearing that outfit--I feel dirtyNothing personal against Dino Prince of Cincinnati...but pretty much every reader submitted hero for Dial H in that era came across as someone who would be rejected in one panel by the Legion of Super-Heroes in their tryouts. Heck, most of them come across as the rejects who wouldn't even make it past the Day 1 auditions to make it to the big try-out. They'd lose to Arm Fall-Off Boy.

That's the metaphor I've been looking for...reader-created Dial H heroes are the William Hungs of the comics world...

snell picks on children because of Superboy #33 (1982).

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

A Mind Altering Experience

I sincerely believe that if every single human on the planet watched this entire video every single day, within a month we'll all have achieved utopia.



Prove me wrong...

Monday, June 2, 2008

Manic Monday Bonus--Geography Lesson 2

From the intro page to Immortal Iron Fist #15:

For the 'Perfect Strategy Mind,' he makes an awful lot of mistakes in this storyLet's look at that subtitle again:

A tiger? In Africa??Memo to Matt Fraction: Usually, the phrase "Dark Continent" refers to Africa, not Asia. And as 100% of this story takes place in Asia (China, India, Burma, and K'un-L'un on Earth), I'm not quite sure the title actually is, you know, accurate.

Unless Asia is now the Dark Continent. Or unless you mean "Miraculous Travels to the Dark Continent" in the sense of searching the deep corners of the soul or some such folderol. In which case, never mind.

Great issue otherwise, though.

Manic Monday--Geography Lesson?

Wherever you go, there you areLooks like somebody needs GPS...

From Incredible Hulk #180 (1974), as reprinted in King-Size Red Hulk #1 (4 days ago).

Bonus: The best Super Bowl commercial EVER:


Sunday, June 1, 2008

Bait and Switch

And GL is the cover boy because why??
Well, there's a lot that's been written about Final Crisis #1 already. And given that there's 6 more issues and about a billion spin-offs yet to go, it would be very premature of me to comment too much on where the story is going. Because frankly, I haven't the foggiest.


Oh, and I do mean a billion spin-offs. In this week's DC Nation column, Final Crisis editor Eddie Beganza lists 8 of them, and he doesn't even mention Brad Meltzer's DC Universe: Last Will and Testament. He does include 2 I hadn't seen mentioned before, Final Crisis: Submit, and Final Crisis: Submit. So they're still coming up with new ones, and probably more will come to light in the next few months.

But I digress. What I wanted to opine about today was one thing that became abundantly clear while reading FC #1: Grant Morrison either didn't read Countdown and Death of the New Gods, or he doesn't give a flying fig about what happened in there.

If the former, well, lucky him. Countdown was execrable, and DoNG was at best underwhelming (hell, its story didn't even finish in #8, but continued into Countdown).

But we were told, time and time again, how important and vital events in those two series were, how they would be the lynch pin of what would happen in FC, how they were laying the foundation for what would come later.

Uhhh...not so much. Morrison not only contradicts what happened in those two series, but also what happened during his much-lauded run on JLA.

One of our universes is missing!Case in point #1: The Monitor flitting about the "celestial fountain of interlocking universes" says that Universe 51 no longer exists. The Monitors exile 51's Monitor Nix Utoan for that.

Except, of course, 51 wasn't destroyed. Or, rather, it was recreated by Nix Utoan in Countdown #9. Yeah, the Earth-51 was ravaged by the Morticoccus virus, experiencing the "Great Disaster," and became the universe that Kamandi takes place in. Countdown spent an interminable 3 issues setting this up and explaining it. But Earth-51 still exists. The Universe 51 was not lost. Morrison either didn't know or didn't care.

Because hal hasn't been paying attention for the past 30 yearsCase in point #2: The New Gods. Let's start with Hal Jordan and John Stewart playing CSI: Green Lantern.

Does Jon Stewart seriously believe that Hal Jordan doesn't know about Darkseid? Really? THE ultimate baddy in the DC Universe forever, and Jon acts like he's talking to a rookie GL. Patronizing much?

How about Superman? He's always been closely linked to the Forth World. What does he have to say on the topic?

Amnesia plagues the Justice LeagueLook, Kal-El just spent 8 issues hanging around with ALL of the New Gods. During Countdown #2, Superman and the entire JLA sat on the sidelines and watched as Orion and Darkseid battled to the death. Orion and Barda were actually MEMBERS of the JLA during Morrison's run. Mister Miracle was a member during the JLI days. So why, exactly, is the Man of Steel acting like no one has heard of these guys before? "Guardian archives describe?!?!" How about "Remember that fight we just watched a couple of weeks ago?" or "Remember when Orion was a member?"

Now, I'll grant the need for some exposition dump in this launch of the new mega-series. But why pretend that these New Gods are strangers? Just very clumsily done, unless Morrison has already re-written continuity before the series has even begun.

And maybe he has. From a Q&A with Dan DiDio at Wizard World Philly this week:
Q: Was Death of the New Gods essentially, immediately retconned in that many of the gods were shown alive, albeit in a different form, in Final Crisis #1?

DD: “Death of the New Gods was a celebration of Kirby. A chance to say goodbye, and give them a proper send off. But it all makes sense as Final Crisis unfolds. Both the New Gods and Seven Soldiers will factor in to the events of Final Crisis.”
DiDio back in October sold us DoNG as "a story that we at DC have been building to for some time" and the series where "all your questions will be answered, and you will not be disappointed." And it's resolution was really the only point of the entire 52 (ahem 51) issues of Countdown. But now, it was just a "celebration of Kirby," apparently no more in continuity than "Whatever Happened To the Man of Tommorow."

Yeah, this all might be explained away in the upcoming 95 issues of Final Crisis. But you and I know it won't. Morrison's so powerful right now, he doesn't even have to be consistent with book that he's already written., let alone something written by Jim Starlin or Paul Dini.

Again, not that those storues were any great shakes. It's DC's right to do it that way, but it's disrespectful the the readers who bought and read the earlier mags, and disrespectful to the creators of those other mags.

Saturday, May 31, 2008

Resumé

Jim Salicrup wrote the introduction to The Nearly Complete Essential Hembeck Archives Omnibus. From the little bio paragraph at the end of the intoduction:

Jim Salicrup gets a bio, and Stan Lee doesn't?Wait a minute...let's look at one sentence again:

"...known for editing the best-selling Spider-Man #1."

Really?

Because when people talk about the sales frenzy surrounding Spider-Man #1, the first thing they mention is Salicrup's editing

Salicrup edited THE HELL out of this comicBilly: Dude, I just got a copy of Spider-Man #1!!
Jimmy: Winnage! Isn't that the one that was edited by Jim Salicrup??
Billy: You know it is!! I've almost completed my collection of Salicrup-edited comics!
Jimmy: Hey, didn't somebody famous write or draw that, or somethin'?
Billy: Oh, who cares about that...just check out this editing!!
Jimmy: Whoa!!

Apologies to Jim Salicrup...I just felt like being a dick today, I guess. But you've got to admit, it's a silly line in the bio...

Hoarded Treasure

Despite all the Grant Morrison, despite the Starman omnibus, this was the best new release this week:

Keen eye, funny drawings...who needs more??Ahhh, big-city-phone-book-sized goodness...

But, despite the 900-page size, this book is correctly titled, and it is only "nearly complete." Missing is all the work he did for Marvel and DC. The Marvel Age pieces, the Daily Planet strips, Fred Hembeck Destroys the Marvel Universe, Fred Hembeck Sells the Marvel Universe, the Fantastic Four Roast, etc.

Now, look, Marvel and DC. This long-unseen material isn't making you any money just sitting around in your vaults. So now, while the Hembeck iron is hot, why not republish this stuff, in trade or omnibus or essential or whatever? You could make some money, and please some fans at the same time.

Or better yet, what about commissioning some NEW work from Hembeck?!? Because, heaven knows, the DC & Marvel universes could certainly use some levity these days. An ability to laugh at themselves has been missing from these companies for awhile (Eliopoulos and Sumerak's Franklin Richards strips being an obvious exception).

Friday, May 30, 2008

Friday Night Fights--Man's Best Friend Style!!

In Metropolis, when dog bites man, it's still a story. At least with this dog, and this man.

Clark and Lois are out walking Krypto, when who decides to show up in Metropolis, but big, bad Mongul. But Krypto is having none of that!!

Clearly, Mongul knows little of the Legion of Super-Pets
Dogs with heat vision=troubel for cats
Yes, Lois, Mongul's biggest crime is that he's a jerk who hits dogsWell, Superman and Mongul tussle for a bit, when Kal-El decides to play fetch with Krypto:

Really, this clown is going to take on the whole Green Lantern Corps??
Kids--don't try this at home with your pets
Nice shot of Mongul's butt, Dale Keown
No, you're supposed to piddle on trees, not destroy them, Krypto!
Mongul objects to that treatment:

My, what big teeth you have, Mongul
My, what a tiny waist you have, LoisUh-oh (better hide your eyes if you're the sensitive type):

Garfield's nightmare
OuchWho let the dogs out? Bahlactus let the dogs out...

The reason why no veterinarian would dare to neuter Krypto is from Superman #170 (2001).

Thursday, May 29, 2008

You Call Him "Doctor" No, Doll-face!

Elsewhere in the Monstrobot empire...

My Bond-movie-a-week blogging really hits its stride today over at I Expect You To Die!!, with a waaaay-overlong analysis of the first James Bond moive, Dr. No.

Bat-Monk

Sometimes you pass from obsessive to anal to something else entirely:

Next...Batman obsessively checking to make sure he locked the batmobileThe questions this raises:
  • Batman had to "insist" on making the table level? What, was one of the JLA planning on making it not level? Why? This was an issue for some reason?

  • Superman says that Batman "already knows" the table is "perfectly level." I can just see him taking out his Bat-laser-level before every Justice League meeting, double checking that no nefarious no-goodnick has put the table one micron out of balance.

  • Really, Batman, what difference would it make if the table weren't perfectly level? JLA headquarters are destroyed every 3 months, anyway...
Maybe it shouldn't be Batman R.I.P...it should be Batman OCD.

Batman tells us too much about his mental state in JLA 80-Page Giant #3, 2000. And if you enjoyed laughing at Batman's hangups, try watching Monk on USA...where it's OK to laugh at mental disease!!

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Who's Not There?

Yesterday my pal Siskoid, as part of his Encyclopedia Week, took a look at JLA Secret Files and Origins #1 (1997).

Just by coincidence, I had read this exact comic on Sunday, having recently purchased it out of the quarter bin. He posted before I got to say what I wanted...but I promise I'm not ripping him off or riding his coattails.

He showed you Phil Jimenez's two-page spread of all of the official Justice Leaguers over the years. Me, I wanted to show you the spread with all the villains:

That's a heapin' helpin' of evilAnd, because I love you guys, here's the legend (click for readable size):


I really didn't have any huge point to make here. I just wanted to point out that, here at the height of the Grant Morrison/Mark Millar run on JLA, we have a huge spread featuring pretty much anyone the Justice League has ever fought...Irwin Teasdale? Seriously? Uberbot?!?!

Yet despite that, no trace of Libra in there.

Again, no point, I just found that interesting...