Friday, October 17, 2008

Friday Night Fights--Killamazoo Style!! was inevitable. Having the theme of Ladies' Night for Friday Night Fights has lead me to present the one thing I swore I would never write about:

That's it--I've sunk as low as can I goLois Lane doing roller derby.

Oh, Gerry Conway, what hath thou wrought?

OK, so Perry White, once again deciding that reporting on actual news events in the biggest city in the world is somehow beneath the Daily Planet, sends Lois Lane undercover to investigate roller derby.

Man, it hurts just to type that.

You see, the Metropolis Rockets advertise themselves as "The Fastest Roller Team in the World!" But Perry asked some experts, and they say that the Rockets actually skate faster than is "humanly possible"!!!! So he sends his best investigative reporter undercover to figure out how.

Meanwhile, after Lois makes the team, obviously tragedy has to happen. Out of nowhere, one of her teammates suddenly starts skating out of control--lethally so:

That really doesn't seem like a 'KROOM' now, does it??Lois' investigation uncovers the shocking fact that the Rockets...(wait for it) use motorized skates!!

Man, that is sooo a Kirby type inventionYes, somehow, with no noise or exhaust, these super-jet skates propel the Rockets faster than normal roller derby competitors!!! However, the other Rockets don't want this fact revealed, 'cause then everyone would know they're cheaters, you see. Of course, violence ensues.

Roller derby is even more compelling behind the scenes!!Uh-oh...Lois is outnumbered now. However will she escape?

If Geoff Johns works Klurkor into the New Krypton storyline, I will never criticize his Superman stories againOh, that's right, back then she was still leaning of the Kryptonian self-defense art of Klurkor. Her and Shang-Chi.

Fortunately, fictional martial arts work pretty well:

Lois is indeed a bitch on wheelsAnd as always seems to happens in these stories, the real killer makes some innocent statement that Lois decides proves she's guilty. This killer, though, don't know from no Klurkor:

Luthor in drag?What results is the killer trying to get away on a motorcycle. Well, that may work against normal reporters, but not against award-winning reporters who happen to have a pair of rocket-powered skates!! The result: PAIN!!

Outrunnig a motorcylce? Really? Those are some skates...
Ladies and gentleman--the birth of Rollerball!!!Oh, Lois, is there no fake sporting event you can't turn into a front page story??

Oh, and I suppose I'd best reveal my secret shame: my home town has its own roller derby team, the Killamazoo Derby Darlings.

Sigh...Bahlactus, can you ever forgive me?

Lois' high-kickin', rocket skatin' crime solvin' adventure comes from Superman Family #198, 1979.


Sea-of-Green said...

Oh, Folded Soup has GOT to see THIS! :-D

snell said...

Should I be frightened?

FoldedSoup said...

Good Grief!!

OK, I need to own that. Thanks!

And your Derby team has nothing on mine! Bring it, Holmes!

FoldedSoup said...

HEY now... are you callin' my sport FAKE??!?
I dare you to say that to you local hometown derby girls... betcha they challenge you to put on a pair of skates and try to keep up at a practice with them.

Kat Ekizm
Treasure Valley Rollergirls

snell said...

Treasure Valley? Dare I ask what the treasure is? (Besides potatoes, that is?)

Menshevik said...

Eeehn, the Springfield Spitfires would wipe the floor with them (vide Simpsons Comics #146).

BTW, it's "what hast though wrought". [/grammar police]

snell said...

Well, given that the phrase was a statement directed at Gerry Conway directly rather than a third party, I felt perfectly justified in using "hast," which is second person singular. (If I had phrased it "what hast Gerry Conway wrought," which would have made it third person, I would gladly concede your point).

Ah, archaic grammar smackdowns...that's what the internet is for!!

Siskoid said...

We had a roller derby, but it burned down.

Now it's just used for Pagan worship and the occasional Gladiator home movie.

It's like a mini-Roman Coliseum!

FoldedSoup said...

Ack! Who let her on my account!

Those Derby girls.. I tells ya...

Seriously, though. Go see a bout whenever they put one on. For about $10, you get a whole mess (and, it is a mess. But a fun one.) of entertainment. It's part smack-talking posturing, part 'waiting to see the car wreck,' part carnival, part bad theater, and part hockey fight.

Oh, yeah... and tough chicks on skates. That doesn't hurt.

(And 'Treasure Valley' refers to Boise and outlying areas. But yeah.. the team is Pirate themed because of that. Ar.)

Carol said...

Shop at so you can be as hot as a derby girl!

Carol said...

Shop at so you can be as hot as a derby girl!

Menshevik said...

Getting further into geek mode -

What is so remarkable that an electric motor would not have an exhaust? Or that it is comparatively quiet?

BTW, you wrote "what hath thou wrought" in the original post, not "what hast thou done". And of course in the third person it would properly be "what hath Gerry Conway wrought". BTW further, I notice that conforming to proper internet grammar and orthography smackdown procedure, I myself made a stupid mistake in my own correction - misspelling "thou" as "though". Oh, I love the feeling of egg on my face in the morning...

Unknown said...

Roller derby is very very real. It may not have been a serious sport back when that comic was created, but in it's modern rebirth it has shifted from theatrics to real competition. If it wasn't real, I wouldn't be sidelined with a torn ligament, messed-up cartilage and a bruised patella. I'm going through intense physical therapy right now and may have to have surgery to repair my left knee. It happened when my team took on the Chicago Outfit in July, and I've been told by the doctor that it'll be March before I can skate again.

In June, we played the Killamazoo Derby Darlins, and let me tell you, they have excellent strategy and an amazing team dynamic. You should be proud of your home league. They beat us in June, and in March, they're coming to Rockford for a rematch against the Rockford Rage All Stars. I pray to the derby gods that I'll be able to return to skating by then!

The whole issue of roller derby not being taken seriously as a sport is one that I'm very passionate about. I don't want to write a book here, so I'll link to the post I wrote on the topic:

By the way, you should check out the Women's Flat Track Derby Association at You can find the official rules for roller derby there. You'll notice that nothing is staged, and it's a much more complicated sport than you might think.