Monday, July 13, 2009

Manic Monday--Marketing Geniuses

Seriously: this is your big pitch to get people to buy your DVD?

Don't push the fact that here's a live-action movie of a classic Marvel hero (which was actually a tiny bit better than its critical reception indicated). Don't push the bonus features or extra footage.

Just say in a Beavis voice "Huh huh huh huh....it's got a girl in it." It's not only sad, it's also crappy marketing. If "Stare All You Want" is the best reason you got, why buy the DVD when I can "stare" at scads of free pictures on the internet?

And she's not even that scantily clad...Pathetic.

"Stare All You Want." Someone actually got paid good money to come up with that...

These ads appeared in assorted marvel comics in 2003.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

The Day Commissioner Gordon Crapped His Pants (Probably)

It was a quiet night, back in 1976...when out of the blue:

That "15 times deadlier" statement has not been evaluated by the FDA.

Yes, the Signalman is possibly the ultimate third-tier villain ever, yet DC thought making a big deal out his presence on the cover would inspire increased sales amongst kids who weren't even born when last the guy appeared.

This time, however, he gets lucky, and cold-cocks the Dark Knight from behind. Sadly, Signalman is still playing my 1966 TV series rules, and neglects Modern Batman Villain's #1 rule: When you have the Caped Crusader Unconscious, SHOOT HIM IN THE FUCKING HEAD IMMEDIATELY.

I will give Signalman this much, though...at least he comes up with a cool death trap:

One million candlepower? Sheesh, I wonder if on slow nights, Gotham's Finest use it to heat up their lunches or something. Anyway:


Well, Batman being Batman, he manages to free a hand, and mere nanoseconds before Commissioner Gordon flips on the signal:

YOW!!

All I'm sayin' is, I hope Jim Gordon hadn't had a big dinner, if you know what a mean.

SPOILER ALERT: Batman goes on to beat the bejesus out of Signalman.

"Signalman Steals The Spotlight" (get it? GET IT?!?!) is from by Detective Comics #466 (1976)Len Wein, Ernie Chan, and Vince Coletta.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Speed Round!!

Bullet Point Saturday!!
  • From Stan's Soapbox in February 2000 issues:

Funny how May never mentioned these relatives for 45 years...What, you mean the idea of Spider-Man spending pages lusting after his "hot cousins" didn't come from Stan?? Next thing, you'll be telling me that Stan didn't invent the idea of Spidey cracking oral sex jokes every issue, or Bullseye killing rats with his boogers...

  • You remember earlier how we were discussing Marvel's "rolling timeline" and exactly when Captain America was defrosted? Well, here's a tidbit from before the timeline started rolling, in Captain America #183 (1975):

By all means, cover the speaker's mouth with a caption boxPretty definitive, eh? 1964, the start of the Vietnam war...which I guess means either a) In the Marvel Universe Bill Clinton was president in 1964, or b) Cap waited 30 years to become an Avenger. Ohhhh, I hate rolling timelines...

  • Speaking of that issue, Nomad is looking for the Falcon, who's been missing for 3 days. And he can't find him anywhere. So Steve Rogers' master plan?

Oh, Nomad, you racist bastardYup...if you can't find your black partner, just go ask another black man. Oh, Steve Englehart, you idiot...

  • Final note on that issue: as a youth, Frank Robbins' artwork freaked me out a little. 30+ years later, it still does:

Officail villain of the University of South Carolina!
Seriously, Robbins was drawing things from other, unearthly dimensions
  • WORST. BATTLE. CRY. EVER.

The saddest thing you'll read todayAnd no, Fabien Nicieza, having a self-referential caption where Genis acknowledges that it's a lame battle cry doesn't excuse using it in the first place.

That was from Captain Marvel #4 (1996). Just to prove it really was the 1990s:

Not enough pouchesOh, Ed Benes, you were such a Image-wannabe back then...

  • Dear DC:

The danger of fixating on movies you saw as a child...Superman I & II were not that great. Really. Get over it. Try some original ideas. You don't need to turn the whole Superman universe into the Cult of Richard Donner.

cc: Bryan Singer and Warner Brothers...

P.S. No, this doesn't mean I'm going to do a review of Superman Returns...

  • In the live-action Green Lantern movie, can we please please PLEASE have the Guardians of Oa played by Muppets? Because I really want to see Ryan Reynolds getting bossed around by Muppets... Or how about a CGI duplicated Deep Roy?? Oompa loompa doompity doo--we've got another mission for you...
  • Vertigo's The Unwritten is simply ridiculously good, and more people should be reading it/talking about it.
  • Just because....SPEED CHESS!!!


Friday, July 10, 2009

Friday Night Fights--Samurai P.I. Style

For tonight's Friday Night Fights, we're turning to Nightwing!!

No, not that Nightwing...this Nightwing!!

That's right, samurai and bionic P.I.'s Colleen Wing and Misty Knight. See, they formed a P.I. agency known as Nightwing Restorations, and....well, enough explanations--let's just let Black Sabbath take us the rest of the way (with slight editing):

Nightwing has stirred, and taken to flight
The silence is over, they've shattered the night

No other hunter has the power or the grace
They are the master of this place

Tell every creature of the night
The kill is around the bend

So listen my friend
Nightwing flies again

It's said they comes for those whose souls are weak
and call their name upon the wind

The night is cold and thick with mystery
Oh I can feel their beating wings

Life ain't for giving and forgiving ain't free
No soul will rest while the hunted run free

So tell every creature of the night
The kill is around the bend
listen my friend
Nightwing flies again

Spacebooger has bionic parts--but you'll have to ask him which ones they are...

Chris Claremont and Marshall Rogers gave us these panels in Deadly Hands Of Kung Fu #32 & #33 (1977), as reprinted in Daughters of The Dragon Deadly Hands Special #1 (2005).


Lyrics and video below:


Lyrics | Black Sabbath lyrics - Nightwing lyrics

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Golden Age idol--Mark Swift And The...What The #$%^?!?

Next up on Golden Age Idol, a sure-fire winner:

Yup, Mark Swift and the....huh?

O...K...

Curious way to...um...phrase things. Surely they didn't keep that title throughout the series??

O...K...

So what the hell was the deal, anyway?

Sorry, I know that's tough to read. Mark Swift was really the sidekick in these stories, an orphan who lived with grade school teacher Rodney Kent. Mr. Kent also "discovered the amazing principle of time travel in his spare time." Geez, I guess teachers are underpaid.

So this grade school teacher went into his basement and whipped up...uh...a....

Time retarder.

Man, I really can't go on here. Time retarder? What the #$%^?!?

Now look--you've upset Paula:

Sorry, Mark Swift, you're rejected. Get out.

Mark Swift And The Time Retarder ran in Fawcett's Slam-Bang Comics and Master Comics in the early 1940s.


Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Hey, Remember That Time...

...when the Fantastic Four consisted of the Thing, the Human Torch, Ant-Man, and the Silver Surfer?!?

No, I didn't think you did...

Really, it happened back in Silver Surfer #95 (1994).



Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Best Cover Ever, Or BEST COVER EVER?!?

Shadow Annual #1 (1987):

Although to be completely honest, I do prefer the alternate color scheme used in this house ad:

The Shadow, first by Howard Chaykin, then Andy Helfer and Joe Orlando (!), then Helfer and Bill Sienkiewicz, then Helfer and Marshall Rogers, and then Helfer and Kyle Baker, was the most underrated and most unjustly forgotten series of the late 1980s. Bitter fruit, indeed...


Monday, July 6, 2009

Manic Monday--Homework

Here's a task for you guys:

Get started, will you?? I expect some progress by tomorrow.

Oh, and if you finish that:

No TV or comics until you guys finish, OK?

P.S. I don't necessarily trust their grasp of numbers here:

Methinks they forget to include the word "prime."

Simple chores from Adventures Into Darkness #13 (1954). See, Wertham was wrong--the true horror of 50s comics wasn't horror, it was MATH PROBLEMS!!!


Sunday, July 5, 2009

This Is My Riddler

You can have your super-smart Riddler; you can have your "reformed" private detective Riddler; you can have (and keep) your Jim Carrey Riddler.

But as for me...this is my Riddler:






Because everybody needs an incompetent goofball in their rogues' gallery...even The Batman.

Extra bonus footage: Nigma being bumfuzzled by the Question:





Oh, Eddie...

The Riddler meets Philosophy 101 in The Question #26 (1989) by Denny O'Neill, Bill Wray and Malcolm Jones III


Saturday, July 4, 2009

Cap/Nixon

What better way to celebrate our nation's birth than with Captain America? And even better, how about the time Cap killed the U.S. President??

Let's set the Wayback Machine for 1974...

Is it me, or does the big guy look like Agnew?A battle on the White House lawn? What in the Sam Hill is going on here??

OK, not the flashiest dressersWell, that's a nice re-cap. Who's bringing us this hard-boiled political thriller?

Our creatorsAhhh, Sal Buscema...that's 70s Marvel, all right.

Who is (are?) the Secret Empire? They're an offshoot of Hydra, and they're attempting a naked coup to take over the good old U.S. of A. They run around in hoods with numbers on them (thus violating Snell's Rules For Villains #1--don't let your minions wear masks, because then it's way too easy for the good guys to pose as your minions).

Yeah, they run around with overly convoluted plots involving "atomic annihilators" and mutant-powered flying saucers (seriously!). And they have the worst battle cry ever:

Alliteration obviously wasn't the best way to goBut actually, they've come closer to achieving their goals than Hydra or AIM ever got. They've successfully framed Captain America for murder, and have S.H.I.E.L.D. and the Avengers hunting him down; they've kidnapped most of the X-Men; they've successfully positioned villainous henchman Moonstone as America's new favorite and most trusted hero; they've planted atomic explosives in every major American city; and they've infiltrated the highest levels of the U.S. government.

Still, the big question is, who is the secretive Number One?? Steve Englehart has been dropping hints the past few issues:

Political commentary? In a comic book?The Committee To Regain America's Principles (CRAP) sure sounds an awful lot like Richard Nixon's Committee To Re-elect The President (CREEP), which was heavily involved in the Watergate scandal.

That was why he lost to KennedyHmmm...I've got to work on my villainous gestures...

Anyway, #1 lands his mutant-powered flying saucer on the White House lawn!!

Couldn't you have just saved some $ and pulled up in AMC pacers? You already have nukes, why do you need to impress with a saucer?
I'm restraining myself from the obligatory 'Number Two' jokeAnd then they use the "hero" Moonstone to make the case that they're unbeatable:

Seriously, America bought this pussy as a hero?And then the big threat:

Shouldn't you have waited until the explosives were actually planted to make the threat?Ah, but of course, Captain America isn't putting up with such nonsense:

Now we'll never know how he was going to finsih that sentence!!"The invisible government become visible?" (Well, technically, "visabaaaaaaaaaaaaaa") Hmmm...

But you just DID describe it!!Oh, and Cap kicks Moonstone's arse, too...

Thank you, SalJust in time for the villains to all turn on each other in a nationally televised confession-fest:

Oh, if only they could keep their mouths shut...
Higher ratings than the final episode of M*A*S*HWell, that's it, then...all's well that ends well, right?

Wow, that was easier than I thought it would be...
D'oh!!Uh-oh...Number One flees into the Oval Office, and...

Uhh...Secret Service, anyone? Marines??Yes!!

Well, duhWhaa????

Frost/Nixon, the action versionHuh??

This never happened on West Wing!!!!!!!!

Yes, ladies and gentleman, Steve Englehart just had Richard Nixon commit suicide right on the comics page.

Interestingly enough, since this issue was coverdated July 1974, it was probably on the newsstands in May, and probably actually scripted in March or April, if not earlier. Which means that almost 6 months before Nixon resigned, Englehart had him "resigning" much more permanently.

Yeah, it was "subtle" (snort), but this was pretty bold stuff for a Code approved book in 1974, when you still (theoretically) weren't supposed to show authority figures in a bad light, and suicide was frowned upon. And attacking a sitting president was pretty radical for conservative comic books companies of the day.

These events, of course, led to Steve Rogers giving up the Captain America identity and becoming--NOMAD!!

Broody, broody cap
Not until he gets a MySpace page...SPOILER ALERT: It didn't take.