Ben & Jerry & Ernie's

Sally P found this cover very disturbing:

So, really, I have no choice but to share the whole story with you! (You're welcome!!)

It's House Of Secrets, so Abel introduces the story to us...

Oooh, Alex Toth!!

Now, the title of this story sort of gives the game away:

(Script continuity?? What's that??)

[Mark Twain aside: I'm pretty sure that if I found myself transported 1500 years into the past, I wouldn't have memorized millennium-old eclipse table for another bleeding continent. I'm just saying...)

Anyway, mild-mannered ice cream man Ernie Baxter is tooling down the boulevard, minding his own business...



Well, the inevitable happens:


Now, everyone decides that Ernie, commanding his "iron dragon," is an evil wizard there to assassinate King Arthur:

Ernie begs for his life:


Sorry, that line always cracks me up: "What are those words, 'ice cream'?"

Well, Ernie shows 'em exactly what ice cream is:



Well, Ernie's got it made!!

Ah, but these tales of supernatural comeuppance don't work unless the guy being punished is a real dickweed. So even though Ernie hasn't seemed like a good guy so far, being the Magical Ice Cream Wizard Of Camelot has gone to his head:

Oh, Ernie...

(Special note--see that harpist? She's no doubt your great-great-great-great-great-great-etc grandmother, and Ernie's probably your ancestor now. Deal with it.)

Then again, at some point Ernie's truck is going to run out of gas, there will be no more power for the freezer, and the Reign Of The Medieval Good Humor Man will come to an abrupt end. So some alternate career planning is in order.

Unfortunately, the alternate career is the one he was accused of earlier: assassin!

Dear Ernie: even though it is Olden Tymes, you shouldn't speak your dark plots aloud, and maybe check to make sure no one is at the window listening.

So, wait--an ice cream truck guy keeps rat poison--ON THE TRUCK???!?!?! Maybe he wasn't such a good guy before!!

So Merlin scuttles away to tell Arthur, Arthur gives Merlin his permission to take care of the problem, and...

Get ready for a Fleischer/Toth gross-out:




So: Camelot? Cannibals.

EWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!

Ask The Answer Manic Monday #11--Risk Not The Wrath Of The Answer Man!!

You know, it must have been a tough gig to be The Answer Man. You get all of these silly questions you have to answer every week; you get many of those damn questions over and over (and over) again; you're limited by the Twitter-like restrictions of your column's size, so there's no hope of full explanation or discourse; and every week you had to deal with 2,459 "how much is this comic worth" questions.

So it's not surprising that once in awhile, even though he was choosing the questions himself, Bob Rozakis had to vent a bit, let his inner snark out, and give a smart-ass--and occasionally mean-spirited--answer.

Case in point: Flash #284 (1980):

Ah, c'mon, bro, that's not too stupid a question. Give poor Remigio Gomez a straight answer!!

Or, try Secrets Of The Haunted House #25 (1980):

Ooooh, stick the knife in! Since that's probably a kid writing, tearing him up like that seems a bit nasty, no? At least you withheld his name...

So remember--you may ask The Answer Man...but you may not like the answer you get!!

Ask The Answer manic Monday #10--Marvel/Dc Crossover!!

From the Ask The Answer Man column in Action Comics #497 (1979):

Because you're one helluva nice guy, Bob Rozakis. Because you're one helluva nice guy.

Ask The Answer Manic Monday #9--How Big Is Batman?

OK, this might seem like a trivial question from "Taco-Clark (??)," but as per usual, it's made me think too hard:

The Answer Man sort of blows this one off (in Secrets Of The Haunted House #22 (1980)), so I put my mind to it.

Sure, Batman has pushed himself to the peak of his body's potential for physical fitness. But that wouldn't necessarily make him taller.

Whereas Captain America, he's been altered by the Super-Soldier Serum and Vita-Rays. Clearly Steve Rogers is taller than he was. Doc Erskine's work didn't just push him to his body's peak, it pushed him, more or less, to the (non-super-powered) human peak.

So, easy answer...Cap used steroids, so he's taller.

But wait. This is Batman we're talking about. Bruce Wayne is the most obsessed guy on Earth--why in the world wouldn't he use steroids to help pump himself up, if that made him better in his fight against crime??

I mean, if you're Batman, and somebody was killed because you hadn't done everything humanly possible to make yourself the ultimate anti-crime weapon, you've failed, right? At least from his viewpoint. He's all about the mission. And can we believe that a man who would sacrifice any vestige of a personal life, who goes days without food or sleep, who refuses to get proper medical care when there's something going on in Gotham...are we to believe that this man wouldn't ask Leslie Thompkins to shoot him up with some anabolic steroids? He's not worried about being a role model for kids or going to the Hall Of Fame--he's got a mission, he's driven, and he sees any failure as a betrayal of his parents. So again...how could he not juice up?

Chime in, peeps.

Oh, yeah, and discuss whether Cap is taller than Batman, if you're still worried about that...

Ask The Answer manic Monday #8--Battle Of The Century

Peanut Gallery, I need your help with this poser from the Answer Man column in House Of Mystery #277 (1980):

Wow, Bob Rozakis is pretty quick with that answer, huh? No explanation, no reasoning, just a terse "GL."

I mean, sure, Hal's a test pilot, and in some continuities he's ex-military, so maybe there's some basis for assuming he's buff without the ring. And Barry's just some lab rat, a scientist, and we know they're all wusses, right?

Ehhh...I don't know. Particularly in the nu52, Hal's been portrayed as pretty dim and arrogant, and pretty worthless without the ring.

And Barry? He's smart, man. And don't forget his killer instinct (right, Zoom?) I don't think the fight is as clear cut as The Answer Man seems to think.

Chime in, peeps.

Ask The Answer Manic Monday #7--Must-See Comics

From the Ask The Answer Man column in Flash #285 (1980):

You know, I would totally read a series about a super-weakling on Krypton. Seriously.

Ask The Answer Manic Monday #6--Sad Prophecies Come True

From the Answer Man column in Action Comics #503 (1980):

Sigh...you've won, Eugene Tan. Damn you and your 32 year-old wishes!!

(Of course, if he wanted to get rid of the hero Kid Flash, and not just Wally West, well, you lose, Mr. Tan!!)

Meanwhile, from that same month's House Of Mystery #276:

Yes, better we should ask, "What's happened to Wonder Girl?" Or, more specifically, "what's happened to Donna Troy?"

Sigh...

Ask The Answer Manic Monday #5--And You Thought Skip Weeks Were Bad!!

To all of you who were dismayed by the small number of DC books out last week: it could have been worse:

Wow.

Apparently, in the wake of the DC Implosion, DC changed to a twice a month distribution schedule, instead of weekly?

I mean, wow. I never noticed--I was a Marvel Zombie at the time, so as long as my books came out, I very well might never have noticed.

Then again, it couldn't have lasted too long...I'm sure DC soon realized that it was folly to not have anything for the newsstands every other week, when Marvel et al were only too glad to fill those spots. And the direct market was in its formative stages, and would demand weekly product to keep the customers streaming in.

So skip week? Bah!! Back in my day, DC had 2 (or 3!) skip weeks every month--and we liked it!!

Answer Man column from Action Comics #502 (1979)

Ask The Answer Manic Monday #4--Life Was Better Pre-Crisis

From the Ask The Answer Man column in Superman #347 (1980):

No history changing--IT'S THE LAW!!

Of course, said law was revoked by Crisis On Infinite Earths, and several later DC events which explicitly relied on some nefarious people changing history (as a sub rosa way of doing massive resets/reboots/retcons/digging our way out of the mess we made last time).

I'll tell you what: I'll vote for whichever presidential candidate promises to restore the "history can't be changed" rule...

Ask The Answer Manic Monday #3--Ewwwwww!

From The Ask The Answer Man column in Superman #347 (1980):

Let's just be grateful that he didn't ask about other super body parts, shall we?

Ask The Answer Manic Monday #2--Damn Good Question!

It's tough navigating a fictional meta-verse sometimes.

Throughout many DC comics in the late 70s, in the backgrounds of the comic stories you would often see posters advertising the debut of the 1978 Superman movie.

Which led young David Mickus to ask in the Answer Man column of Superman #346 (1980):

Good answer.

Now, other stories always made it clear that, in the DC Universe, Superman approved of, and was a consultant on, that movies and others about him. At other times in-story, we've seen people trying to make a Wonder Woman movie. And I'm sure there's others I'm not aware of.

Of course, that makes one wonder--has anyone in the DCU tried to make a Batman movie? What would it be like, given that the filmmakers wouldn't know any details of his origin? Would Batman care? Would Bruce Wayne buy the studio just to quash the movie (lest it somehow damage his scary creature of the night image)?

And, given the secret identity thing, would Batman (or any other hero) be able to sue, for libel or publicity rights or anything? If Superman wanted to stop a movie being made about him, could he (not by smashing it up, but legally)?

And, most importantly, do they have any "fictional" characters from other universes having comics books, etc, in the DCU? Was there an Iron Man movie? Do they have X-Men comics?

I think about these things too much...

Ask The Answer Manic Monday #1--It Only Took 22 Years To Answer That Question

From the Ask The Answer Man column in House Of Mystery #273 (1979):

Well, the answer's obvious now--#1!! Everything must be #1!! Even if it's already had numerous #1's!! You're lucky that, after issue #1, we didn't immediately renumber it to #1 AGAIN!!! Those #2's are just too inaccessible...

Quick bonus prediction quiz: Will we see any anniversary issue numbers for any of the nu52? Will any of them make it to 50 or (gasp) 100, without being canceled and/or reverting to the old numbering? Discuss...

The Guy Has No Boundries

OK, it's about time somebody made this point about Batman...



And Buscemi does a good Oldman doing Gordon...

I Apologize For This In Advance

Updated for 21st century literary trends:


Sorry.

Thanks For The Nightmares, Joe Kubert

Bad dreams from the Quarter Bin III:

Thanks For The Nightmares, Luis Dominguez!

Bad dreams from the Quarter Bin II:

Thanks For The Nightmares, Frank Robbins!!

Bad dreams via the Quarter Bin I:

Friday Night Fights--Using Your Head Style!!

One of the many lessons that DC has taught us over the years is that war is often weird. (Also, that sports are often strange...but that's another post).

So for this week's Friday Night Fights, let's head back to WWII. G.I. Robot has just been destroyed!! J.A.K.E. #1 (Jungle Killer Automatic Experimental #1--what, you didn't know that?) sacrificed himself to save the Creature Commandos--and the entire Pacific Fleet!--from the terrors of Atlantis II (see, I told you war was weird!!)

The focal point of the whole Pacific theater is now the tiny island of Tattu--control its airstrip, and you have a massive tactical advantage. The Japanese know this, and given J.A.K.E.'s demise, they've decided that it's time to unveil their own secret weapon:

Krakko, the invincible Samurai robot!!

How tough is Krakko?


Well, that's it! Curtains for our marines, right?

No!! It's J.A.K.E. #2, just airdropped to the island!!! (These days, we'd call him J.A.K.E. 2.0, but hey, WWII, right?)

But can J.A.K.E. #2 take on Krakko??



And is J.A.K.E. tough enough to withstand mechanical samurai fury??




Uh...no.

Well, as Krakko turns menacingly on our marines, I guess that's the end of this Friday Night Fight, right?

Hold on...what's this?






Now, that's having a good head on your shoulders! Or...J.A.K.E. was head and shoulders above Krakko!! Or...

Spacebooger just shot me before I could make another head joke.

The cool parts of war that HBO mysteriously left out of The Pacific were brought to you by Robert Kanigher and Fred Carrillo in Weird War Tales #113 (1982).

Now it's time to go and vote for my fight this week. Because seriously--a robot soldier just whipped around his own head like a wrecking ball to destroy a samurai robot. I should win just on the description alone. But J.A.K.E. #2 gave up his head to defend your rights, so vote for one of the other fights, if you desire. But vote.

Good Cover, But...

One of the alternate covers for this weeks Star Trek #3:

Which is too bad, because it's a shame to put such a nice cover on a comic that is merely a virtual line-for-line re-telling of an old Trek episode, The Galileo Seven, with the "new" crew instead of the old.

Seriously, what's the point of the reboot if all you're going to do is re-tell the old stories, without the slightest trace of originality or updating (except for getting to use new character models)?

Bah, I'm a cranky old man...