Manic Monday--CHUGGA-MOTA!!

Have you ever wanted to

Because haven't we all had dreams of being Keanu Reeves or Dickie Dauntless??

Than what you need is

How does it work??

Wait, what's that one part again??

Oh, yes, on my tricycle!! Because making a tricycle sound souped up would certainly make me "the envy of every kid in the neighborhood!"

Everybody--send in for your Chugga-Motas now!!


Advertisement from Suzie #73 (1950).

Strange Sports Stories

No, not DC's Strange Sports Stories, but Marvel's. More specifically, synergy in action.

You see, the Disney-owned ESPN The Magazine "asked" Disney-owned Marvel Comics to have their artists do some Marvel superhero themed "covers" for each NBA team, as part of their fall basketball preview issue.

And it's really good to know that while Joe Quesada cannot bring himself to draw quickly enough to publish the comics he draws--such as One More Day or One Moment In Time--without lengthy delays, he can sure whip off huge cover drawings for his corporate masters on deadline. I guess it just goes to show that, in the current Marvel hierarchy, Kobe is more important than Spider-Man.

But enough grousing. It's actually a pretty cool idea, must of it is fun, and I'd love to see it done for other sports (and I'd love to see some DC characters and artists brought in, but that's pretty unlikely.

Here's a few of them I have a snarky comment or two on, as I whip out some sports fu. (click to embiggen the images):

Art by Kyle Baker. Uhhh, did anybody bother to fill in Mark Cuban about Hank Pym's history before he agreed to this? I mean, if I were a multi-billionaire team owner, I might have qualms about being portrayed as a wife-beating frequently-insane joke of a scientist. Than again, given the way his Mavericks always shrink in the playoffs, maybe Ant-Man is appropriate...

Art by J. Scott Campbell. See, this is one reason I hate the NBA. Rather than enjoy what they have in front of them, the fans and the media usually choose instead to focus relentlessly of what might happen 9 months from now, endlessly debating hypothetical personnel moves that may never actually happen. Rather than sit back and enjoy one more year of getting to watch this star play for Denver, the focus is already on "Oh my god Carmelo is probably leaving in July, how can we possibly enjoy a game in October with this knowledge weighing on us?"

Which makes the choice of an angsty X-Men cover to pastiche particularly appropriate. I suppose we can just be grateful they didn't choose Days Of Future Past...

Art by Kalman Andrasofszky. Man, this would so make me a fan of the Bucks if it were really their line-up.

Hey, NBA, EA Sports and Marvel--there's my million dollar idea--an NBA Jam type game, except instead of NBA stars, you fill it with comics books characters hooping it up!!

I'll expect those royalty checks to start rolling in any day now...

Art by Alex Maleev. The idea of Michael Jordan as Nick Fury has just made my tiny little mind explode. Now if only they had decided to come up with what the initials B.O.B.C.A.T.S. actually stood for, I'd give them real props...

Art by Gerald Parel. Another case of perhaps not telling your subject the full story of the guy you're presenting him as. Sure, new New Jersey Nets owner Mikhail Prokhorov is a Russian billionaire whom people expect to make a huge impact on the league. But the devourer of worlds, ender of life as we know it? Those billions didn't bring in any big free agent talent...Besides, come on, guys, Galactus wouldn't be fronting no 12-70 team...

Art by Sean Chen & Mark Morales. Really? The Pistons as a bunch of Doombots?? I mean, a Victor Von Doom-created team would sure as heck play a lot better (until they met the Globetrotters...) than this crew does. This would have been much more appropriate to the "Bad Boys" days.

Still, in my head I can hear The Palace announcer introducing "Joooooeeee Doooooommmmars" every night...

Art by John Romita and Tom Palmer. Checkmate, you young turks. Great image, best of the bunch.

Still, this is a good opportunity to give a message to (most) Cleveland fans: Dudes, you're not the only team to have ever lost a player. Man up already. I'm just sayin'...(Sorry, Spacebooger).

They've Animated My Dreams

On last night's episode of Batman: The Brave And The Bold, they included this story:

AND this story:

They had a character reading aloud from this comic book:

...and proceeded to launch into adapting this story:

(albeit with Bat-Mite in the Mr. Mxyzptlk role).

Oh, yeah, and they introduced this character:

Yes, Joker-Mite.

All in one half-hour.

Grant Morrison says "every Batman story counts." These guys mean it....

Friday Night Fights--Gladiator Style!!

You know what I don't do enough of around here for Friday Night Fights?? Golden Age comics, that's what!!

So let's check out how one particular fight directly lead to the U.S. Of A. winning WWII. Seriously!!

Alan Armstrong, Spy Smasher, has gone to Rome to stop the Nazis from finding Leonardo da Vinci's hidden plans for "the greatest weapon conceived by man."

Seriously. Spielberg, Lucas, it sounds like you owe some royalties to Spy Smasher. Jonathan Hickman, you get a pass, because I'm grooving on your stuff.

Anyhoo, Spy Smasher gets himself caught (oops), and is prepared to face a firing squad. But this is Mussolini's turf, and apparently Il Duce went to the S.P.E.C.T.R.E. school of enemy elimination:



Just great. And if you weren't sure who was behind this cock-eyed plan:

Ahh, the Axis of Stupid. First up is the lion:




Don't wince...that joke was new and original in 1942!! Golden Age!!

Someone needed some courage there...Next up--big Nazi goon!!




Good triumphs over the Axis again!!!

Anyway, Spy Smasher escapes (by hijacking a charging elephant--seriously!), finds the hidden plans in a skull in the catacombs, and hightails it home. Hurray!!!

And what, exactly, was Leonardo's greatest invention of all?!?!

Dude. That is either the biggest storytelling cop-out of all time, or the most brilliant plot twist ever. Maybe both at the same time.

And somebody please help me convince Spacebooger that what Spy Smasher found were Leonardo's plans for the atom bomb. Because that would be about the most awesome thing ever. And 150 gazillion times than The da Vinci Code...

The course of WWII was changed forever in Spy Smasher #8 (1942), writer unknown, art by Emil Gershwin.

Now, go and vote for this fight, and I will also reveal Leonardo's secret recipe for egg salad that Spy Smasher also recovered...

Setting The Bar Low

Green Lantern screenwriter Greg Berlanti recently opined why that movie is going to be so great:

It definitely has slightly lighter elements, but the thing that gives it its gravitas and its weight that no other superhero film really has—maybe except for all the way back to Donner's Superman—is the space opera element and how much of it takes place in space. That's something I don't think people are expecting or have seen in a movie like this before.

Not to be too harsh here--a guy has a right to try to puff up his movie, after all--but help me out, guys. Was the "gravitas" of Richard Donner's Superman best expressed by Otis walking along screwing things up to the "Oafish Idiot" theme music? Or was that gravitas at its height when Valerie Perrine begged Superman to save Hackensack, New Jersey? Perhaps that "weight that no other superhero film really has" came from Luthor murdering a Metropolis police detective in cold blood and then the film immediately ignoring that for his comedy real estate scheme (which was such a great idea they recycled it for Superman Returns).

Yeah, The Dark Knight had no gravitas or weight compared to that.

Look, people--the Richard Donner Superman is one of the more overrated things, ever. That doesn't mean it's not good--something can be good but still be overrated. Hey, it's a fun movie, the first half is great, Chris Reeve is awesome. But is pretty much falls apart in the second half, when the camp rises past the flood level, the tonal shifts give us whiplash, and that unforgivable ending. Yet a whole herd of folks--including most of the leadership at DC these days--have lionized that film to the point where it's apparently considered the Citizen Kane of superhero movies.

SPOILER ALERT: It's not.

So, what are we to make of the fact that the Green Lantern script writer believes his film is going to be better than any other superhero film because it's more like Superman: The Movie?

Maybe Carol Ferris will get to recite "Can You Read My Mind"...

No Particular Reason

Sometimes you just have to drop whatever post you had planned and give your readers...

A STAR TREK SUPER-FREAKOUT!!!!

Cover of Gold Key's Star Trek #30 (1975), art by Albert Giolitti

Well, It Makes As Much Sense As "3X2(9YZ)4A"

Emil Gargunza's cousin (henceforth known as Young Gargunza) has captured Dickie Dauntless and hooked him up to a brain-scanner:


Bold plan. But while Young Gargunza is off running errands, Dauntless escapes, and as Young Marvelman, comes up with a clever scheme to thwart the evil scientist:


So Young Gargunza, unsuspecting, proceeds to deduce Young Marvelman's "magic word" from the wrong brainscan:


Really? That's kind of...long and complex, isn't it?

Anyway, Young Gargunza tries it, and...

Sadly, it turns out not to be a super-powered chimpanzee:


Fortunately, there is a cure (surprisingly enough, it's NOT just saying the same phrase again):

OOJAH CAPIVVY??? Really????

Man, these books are nuts. Gotta love 'em!

SPOILER ALERT: The formula doesn't work. Believe me, I've tried. Still, if you want to turn yourself into a big monkey, try saying "Abracadabra-πr²÷H2O Eeny-Meeny Miny-Mo Hey Presto-Stop-Go Hackwacky" aloud as often as you can today. There are worse ways to spend a Tuesday...

From Young Marvelman #100 (1955), as reprinted in Marvelman Family's Finest #4 (2010).

Manic Monday--The Truth About Atlantis

Folks, here at Slay Monstrobot, we're all about improving the classical education you all are so sorely lacking in.

Earlier this year, I used time-traveler Flip Falcon to repair many of our misconceptions about Amazons. Today, the Marvelman Family is going to help us understand the truth about Atlantis.

For reasons that we really shouldn't dwell upon, Marvelman, Young Marvelman, and Kid Marvelman have traveled back in time to uncover the truth of the Atlantis legend:

Hmmm....well, where can it be?

Well, yes, that's true, but...

Now wait a minute!! Just because a legend has become "distorted" over the centuries doesn't mean that the actual truth is the 180-degree polar opposite of the legend!!

Oh, wait, yes it does:


Tanatlis? Really?

Well, that's conclusive--legends are just Bizarro versions of the truth!! As Marvelman pounds into our head again at the end:

Hey, wait--how did they know that Atlantis didn't sink??

Ahhhh....Atlantis=Australia. Well, they both start with A, so...

So, Micky Moran, can you pound home the moral one more time, please??

Thanks, Micky.

The Marvelman Family's expertise in folklore/mythology came in handy in Marvelman Family #10 (1957), as reprinted in Marvelman Family's Finest #4 (2010).

Would you like to know how many times I typed "Miracleman" instead of "Marvelman?" Every. Damn. Time. Grrr.....