My New Years Resolution? To Read The hell Out Of This Comic!

I don't want to accuse BOOM! of reading my mind...

...but it's as if this forthcoming series has been specifically designed for me:

2014: the year of umlauts over the letter K!

Oh, Marvel, I can't believe you missed this opportunity...

Manic Monday Triple Overtime--Do You Have A Bay Window?

It's New Year's Resolution time, campers, so you've got to ask yourself some hard questions:

"Bay window"??

Why do I fell the "Keep on their feet" sounds a little bit like a sexual euphemism...?

What the hell is a "Chevalier," you ask?

A male girdle. The ad tells you that you need a male girdle.

I'm still puzzled by this bay window business...what is it with you 1950s people and your goofy slang?

And just in case you missed the uncomfortable detail...

...the "detachable pouch" has me very worried.

Ad appeared in Space Action #1 (1952)

Manic Monday Bonus--How Many Quatloos In A Dollar?

We all know that the most important part of any science fiction epic...

...is translating your alien currency units into dollars. How could we possibly enjoy the story without an editor's note giving us this important fact?!?

That's why Star Wars sucks--because we're never told how much the 17,000 credits promised to Han Solo translates to in American currency! What lazy storytelling....

From Outer Space #22 (1959)

Manic Monday--The Golden Age Version Of Demolition Man

The future is closer than you think...

(Please note: that's 2042, completely different than the 2032 of Demolition Man...)

Wow!! A golden age with no crime, no war, no human suffering! What could possibly go wrong?

Gamma rays. Of course it's gamma rays.

Still, Dr. Lavelle has cured death! I mean, that's a good thing, right?

But Lavelle has to push things...

So they go to a tomb where a famous person has famously been preserved...

Hmmm...waking up a long dead villain...not at all like Demolition Man...

Yay!! Elimination of free will to control crime--not in the least reminiscent of Demolition Man!!

Ha, ha, a future with no guns--100% unlike Demolition Man!!

Famous last words...

Surprise!! A revived murderous scumbag will still be a murderous scumbag!

The villain wakes up more villains to help him--one trillion percent unlike Demolition Man!!

Yes, it's that easy.

See, the future is so perfect and peaceful, they can't deal with crooks with no knowledge of modern technology! Even if the mobsters are 120 years out of date, simple firearms can baffle and conquer the planet. Again, no resemblance at all to Demolition Man...

See:

D'oh!!!  

You may have noticed my subtle hints that the movie Demolition Man completely ripped off the premise of this comic story. (Sure, sure, probably a "coincidence"....) But in the one deviation this story has from Demolition Man, there's no Sylvester Stallone to wake up to take on Cullen. So the entire world will fall to a couple of guys with guns...

However will the goombas be stopped?!?

The answer? Evil people are evil (and stupid):

And they all kill each other. The end.

No, really!

The moral of the story--put yourself in suspended animation, or die and perfectly preserve yourself right now--and make sure to have a gun in the cryo-chamber/coffin. Because the future is entirely made up of wimps, and one guy with a gat conquers all!!

From Weird Tales Of The Future #1 (1952)

The Final Fate Of The "Original Writer"

Exciting science is afoot---IN THE FUTURE!!

Wait...what?!?

Geez, in the future he gets so cranky they send him to the moon? That's probably a bit of an over-reaction...

From Weird Tales Of The Future #1 (1952)

Life In The 80s Was Pretty Cushy!

And how do we know that life in the 1980s was pretty cushy?

Just ask the Shield!

Man, that is the high life...laying there alone in your motel bed (while in costume, no less!), drinking that delicious cup of instant coffee, watching old movies on a 19" television...all you need now is a Miller Lite to sip while playing with your Rubik's Cube, and you're totally gnarly, dude!!

A couple of quibbles, though...

This same story tells us that Shield "disappeared" in 1948 (but he was really just in suspended animation, because if you're going to rip off Captain America, let's go all the way, right?).

Well, Milton Berle did become the permanent host of Texaco Star Theater in 1948, so maybe we could let that slide.

However...the nickname "Uncle Miltie" wasn't used until 1949, when Berle himself coin the term on the air as an ad-lib, which then caught on and became popular. So how could the Shield be calling him "Uncle Miltie" in he was gone since 1948?? ?? (Yes, I actually researched that. Yes, I am an idiot.)

And in the rude surprises department...

Oh, poor Shield...The Brooklyn Eagle went under in 1955.

Still, a new Brooklyn Eagle began publishing in 1996, so just wait 12 years, and you can finally begin that job hunt.

And while the Dodgers are long gone, you can enjoy the sports exploits of the exciting and not-at-all overpaid and over-hyped Brooklyn Nets!!!

From Mighty Crusaders #9 (1984)

Friday Night Fights--A Tiger?!? In Africa?!? Style!!

Are you ready?

YAHHHHHH!!!

Now that you're awake, it's time to use this week's Friday Night Fights to retain my status as the number one Google result for "Man-on-animal action."

It's the jungle, and some idiots get themselves cornered by a tiger...

Fortunately, Lord Greystoke happens to be swinging by...

Damn straight!!

Spacebooger, like Monty Python, asks, "A tiger?!? In Africa?!?" But this isn't Africa...it's an uncharted island settled by ancient Mayans, and a ship carrying zoo animals crashed there, and...oh, don't worry, it's just Tarzan.

Tarzan kills a tiger with his bare hands thanks to Joe Kubert (script and layouts) and Franc Reyes (finished art and inks) in Tarzan #242 (1975)

Now is the time for you to go and vote for my fight. Why? Hello--Tarzan killed a tiger with his bare hands!! What more can you want?!? So go vote!!