Quote of the Week

Well, folks, there's a two way tie for Quote of the Week. Fortunately, both come from the same character in the same comic book. Let's chat with Tovar, the Lava King!

Sounds like a Miller Lite commercial, eh? And Tovar further dazzles us with:

Rolls off the tongue, doesn't it? "Tovar's incredulity is surpassed only by Tovar's rage!" I promise you, I WILL use that phrase at work tomorrow.

By the way, I hope Tovar survived, because I would totally buy a series based on him. Seriously.

Tovar's dialogue gems come from Blue Beetle #22. Perhaps DC should make the book's motto "Blue Beetle--at least one good thing came outta Infinite Crisis, huh?"

One More Post

OK, so I know I've already made my position clear. And you are all probably tired of me ripping on One More Day.

But I've got a few more things I've got to rant about. No more about how idiotic and offensive the general idea was, though. This time I'll focus on how sloppy and abysmal the actual execution was.

A) Does anyone at Marvel have any sense of irony? The last page is a list of testimonials on how great JMS's run on Amazing Spider-Man was...in a story that effectively wiped out what, 85% of the stories he wrote? 90%? 95%?

B) Speaking of which, this is stunning--this is a Crisis on Infinite Earths level of continuity reboot, which Marvel generally hasn't done. Yet it affects only one character. It's as if DC had re-done only Superman's continuity after Crisis, while everybody else stayed the same.

Aside from Harry Osborn remaining alive (which you think would impact all the Goblin stories post-Harry's death, not to mention Norman and Thunderbolts), what about all the myriad Marvel heroes and villains who knew Peter's identity? Did Mephisto wipe out only the grand Super Hero Registration Act revelation of Spidey's secret ID? What about Daredevil, or Venom? Does Norman Osborn still know?

Speaking of which, what about the Civil War? Spider-Man revealed his ID to Tony Stark BEFORE the Civil War...did that still happen? Do the rest of the "New" Avengers still know his secret? Did Spider-man still play such a pivotal part in the Civil War? If he's unregistered and still super-heroing, well, the head of the Thunderbolts and maybe Tony Stark know his civilian identity...so much for keeping Aunt May safe, eh? Or has EVERYTHING been wiped out?

I'm not sure why such an extensive revision of history was needed (and geez, if Mephisto has that much power over time and space, wouldn't he own everybody's soul by now?). Hopefully Quesada will give us a flow chart or something. But just you wait--with our luck it will turn out that all of Spider-man's recent history EXCEPT for "Sins Past" will have been wiped out...

Of course, none of this ridiculously confusing reboot would have necessary had Quesada merely had the courage of his convictions and actually ended the Peter/Mary Jane marriage rather than pretending it had never happened.

C) Just so no one thinks that I'm letting JMS off the hook here, let's note the sheer hypocrisy of his infamous blog post: He was going to take his name off the last two issues of OMD, but he didn't because he "didn't want to sabotage Joe or Marvel..." Fine, except rather than going through with the "silent" protest of removing his name, he publicly calls out Quesada and Marvel on his blog. So that's less sabotaging, JMS?

Also, why is it that whenever JMS writes an arc that proves intensely unpopular with the fans, it always turns out to be the fault of the editors? Just askin'...

D) Hey, Joe Quesada: just how slow do you draw, man? Given the number of panels that were photocopies in this issue, I shudder to think when this storyline would have finished had you actually pencilled EVERY page...

E) Remember the marketing tagline, "What would you do...with one more day?" Apparently, the answer is "Sit around a dark motel room for 24 hours." And judging by the lighting effects on page 10, spend most of that time frozen in one position.

F) Well, at least this means Mary Jane won't turn out to be a Skrull. Doesn't it? Then again, I must admit it would be a very Mephisto-y turn if he saved "Aunt May" only to have Peter shattered when she turns out to be a Skrull. OK, now I'm kind of rooting for that...

G) Remember how a large chunk of Part 3 consisted of Mephisto taking Peter around and showing him alternate versions of Peter? What exactly was the point of that? By showing Peter how unhappy his life could have turned out without Mary Jane, isn't he actually making it less likely that Peter would accept his deal?

And really, was there any reason, besides sucking still more money out of us, to have this be a 4-parter? They could have dumped the reprints (of only half of stories!!) and Handbook pages, condensed down the events of 1 & 2 into one issue, cut out the "Possible Peter tour" and done a little less Xeroxing, and we've got a 2 issue story here. Yeah, it would still suck, but I'd be $8 less broke.

All right, that's enough. I've got to sleep now.

UPDATE: After posting I saw that Caleb had previously posted similar thoughts on OMD, especially my points A & B. Sorry, bro. I promise I didn't steal...just warped minds thinking alike.

An Open Letter To Marvel

Thank you, Marvel.

Thank you for showing us that "heroes" should have the courage to make deals with the devil.

Thank you for giving your readers role models who would rather rather give into temptations offered by the embodiment of evil than deal with a traumatic death, as adults must do every day.

Thanks for teaching us that a whole new, happy life (with only "some small part of your soul" unhappy) is available, if you just make a deal with a powerful evil entity. I truly hope that the next time Dr. Doom or Thanos offer up a Faustian bargain to one of your heroes, they emulate Peter Parker's example and accept it. Because you've taught us that heroes should do the thing that makes them feel better, no matter who offers the deal.

Thank you for showing us that heroes shouldn't resist evil. That when something goes bad in your life, the only alternative is to further empower the most evil being in your universe. That evil is more powerful than a love "that comes along but once in a millennia," and therefore what's the point of us non-heroes trying to resist temptation.

And finally, thank you, Marvel, for taking a hero I had grown up with; a hero who I admired for always persevering, no matter the hardship or tragedy that came his way; a hero dedicated to doing the right thing no matter the temptation thrown his way...thank you for taking that hero and turning him into a whining, selfish, solipsistic, emotionally stunted coward who makes bargains with Mephisto.

Fuck you, Marvel. Fuck you very much.

Tales from the Quarter Bin--Daredevil #118

Dear Gerry Conway (writer) and Roy Thomas (editor):

Let me see..

C-I-U-R-S-C...

R-I-S-C-C-U...

S-C-U-I-R-C...

Nope, that's pretty conclusive: Circus spelled sideways is NOT death.

And no, that wasn't just a cover blurb--it was the story's title:

Just wanted to get that off my chest.

The focus of today's minor rant is Daredevil #118, 1975, which just goes to prove that even after 33 years, I'm gonna rant about trivial stuff like cover blurbs. No book is safe--NO ONE, I tell you...

Bold Fashion Choices--Xmas Edition!

You know, if Donna Troy would wear this outfit a little more often...



...no one would be as concerned with those pesky continuity problems. I'm just sayin'.

Donna Troy plays the Ghost of Christmas Hot in Teen Titans #13, 1968, titled (and no, I'm not kidding) "A Swingin' Christmas Carol." Oh, Bob Haney...

A Very Unspecial Christmas Message

There Are No New Ideas

Remember the halcyon days of last week, when everyone was so excited by the end of the Sinestro Corps War? And how they were especially excited by the notion that not only is yellow the color of fear and green the color of wisdom, but every other color on the ROY G BIV spectrum is attached to an "emotional energy?" And how, sometime in the not too distant future, we're going to end up with seven different corps, with seven different color power ring?

Can I just point out that back in the even more halcyon days of 2000, Mark Waid showed us, in Silver Age 80-Page Giant #1, that back in the good old Silver Age days, we already had seven different color rings.

You see, through a series of events far to long to recap, the villains Lex Luthor, Penguin, Catwoman, Sinestro, Mr. Element, Dr. Light, Chronos, Felix Faust and Black Manta had created the "ultimate weapon" by combining the central power battery from Oa, the Absorbascon, and a piece of jewel Kryptonite. And amongst the uses the put the power to was this:

Yup, 7 different colors of power ring, using the colors of the spectrum. And it makes just as much sense as saying that Indigo is compassion or Orange avarice (meaning it made no sense, but what the hey, right?).

"All of this has happened before. And all of this will happen again."

BTW, why hasn't the "Silver Age" been collected in a trade yet?

What the #$%^--Batman and the Outsiders

A few comments regarding this week's Batman and the Outsiders #3:

A) So the idea of setting themselves up to appear as a gang of rogue heroes or criminals--out the window, huh? When the idiot contingent of the JLA knows you're not bad guys, well, goodbye to any and every idea Tony Bedard set up. Plus, transferring members between teams...pretty good clue to the media and public that everybody is on the side of good.

B) Hey, a great '70s throwback--a deceptive cover!! Man, Canary and J'onn don't even appear in the bleedin' issue. Hell, the Martian Manhunter isn't on EITHER team these days...he did quit the Outsiders in issue #2, right? Obviously, I'm not the only one getting creative direction change whiplash here!! Even the cover artists need a scorecard.

C) Let's go back to this transfer thing. Geo-Force is "transferred" to the Outsiders. Apparently without anyone telling him, or asking him. Nope, just someone blurting out, "Brion, you're an Outsider now. Ta ta."

Now, aside from the general rejoicing in the blogosphere that the sainted JLA is no longer "tainted" by Geo-force's membership (what, he's worse than Vibe? Really?), this whole incident raises some fascinating questions.

• Batman WANTED Geo-Force on the team?


• What, exactly, does the JLA get in return for this "transfer?" (Aside, of course, from the addition by subtraction of improving your team by removing Geo-Force?)


• What, is this the Initiative? Is Geo-Force a draftee, with no choice about where he gets to be a hero? Two months from now, in the middle of a mission, is someone going to tell him, "Brion, you're in Shadowpact now?"


• Is this like sports, where players can be traded for draft picks, or "for a player to be named later?" Does Black Canary get to chose an Outsider to join the JLA later?


• Can heroes be transferred between any two teams? Kid Devil to the Challengers of the Unknown? Enchantress to the Green Lantern Corp? Hourman to the Legion of Super-Heroes? Or is there a "trading deadline," so it can only happen in the first 15 issues or so?


• What about "inter-league" trades? Booster Gold to the Mighty Avengers? Venom to the Injustice Society? Invincible to the Last Defenders? Luke Cage to Dynamo 5? John Constantine to the Suicide Squad? (hey, wait a minute....hmmmmmm....)

Somewhat more seriously, I get that Dixon was asked to take over literally at the last minute, and that he wanted to set up the team members he thought best. But could there have been a more painful, clunky and unimaginative way to accomplish this? Catwoman declares herself a coward and splits? J'onn Jonzz just up and quits because...well, I'm still not sure? A magic wand is waved and now Geo-Force is on the team?

Chuck Dixon, you've blown my mind. Not in a good way, mind you, but it is indeed blown.

Friday Night Karaoke--Chosen One Style!!

Well, once again Bahlactus has abandoned us for a 2-week sabbatical. And you know what that means around here, don't you? Yup, it's Friday Night Karaoke time!!*

Sorry, no Mace Windu this time. But it helps if you imagine Jar Jar crooning this. Now SING, dammit!!

Ani, are you OK
Will you tell us that you're OK

There's a sign at the temple
That he struck you
A lightsaber, Ani
He came into your best moment
He left Force stains on the carpet
Than you ran into the lava room
You were struck down
It was your doom

Ani, are you OK
You OK
Are you OK, Ani

Ani, are
you OK
You OK
Are you OK, Ani

Ani, are you OK
You OK
Are you OK, Ani

You’ve
been hit by
You’ve been struck by
A smooth Jedi Knight

OK, OK, enough....I could do this all night, folks.


"Hey, wait, meesa not done yet!!"

*editor's note: due to a necessary impurity in his brain, snell actually thinks this is funny.

Worst Comic of the Week

OK, it's clearly not THE worst, but it is pretty damn bad, and it's bearing the brunt of my disdain for the annoyingly terrible and inept "Resurrection of Ra's Al Ghul" arc.

Among the...ahem...finer points of this story line, we have:

• Batman donning a ridiculous new outfit, which serves no apparent purpose (other than to justify a new line of action figures/busts)


• Absolutely no communication between the writers/artists, as situations we are shown in one issue do not sync up with what we are shown the next. Another fine example of DC editing in action


• Artwork that makes it difficult to know who is who and is doing what to whom (not helped by several misplaced dialogue balloons). I'm looking at you, Ryan Benjamin...


• Fatuous mischaracterizations of people, especially Robin


• Insipidly inconsistent use of technology, especially for "globe-trotting" Batman. In chapter 2 (Nightwing #138) Dick is able to use an emergency override on the JLA teleporter to travel from a random Chinatown alley in NYC to Wayne Manor. But they have to fly to Tibet? And fly back, and even have a wounded Dick piloting the plane?


• The remarkably unsatisfying and laughable plot device used to end the story line: God intervenes. Seriously. (OK, Rama Kushna, but still). I wish I were making that up. I had thought that DC was no longer in the 1970's "having God save the day" mode--but I guess I was wrong.


• Absolutely no story resolution whatsoever. SPOILER ALERT. At the end of the day, Talia is still off somewhere unknown with Damien, who is still a brat. Robin is apparently never going to even mention again his temptation to work with Ra's or his throw down fight with Nightwing. Dick's not going to mention it, either. Nothing much has changed for Bruce. We did find out that pretty much every male character who has appeared in a Ra's Al Ghul storyline ever is (surprise!) a relative of his, and he's now got a new body. Wow. That was real important stuff there, DC. Really justifies the 7-part crossover.

So, was this the price we had to pay for not having Batman involved in Countdown or Sinestro Wars? Sigh....

BONUS PANEL:

I know you can't tell from artwork (sigh) but the dude up front flying the plane is Dick Grayson. I know Don Kramer is incapable of drawing normal human emotions on faces, but c'mon, now--did Alfred slip Dick some Joker venom or what?

Cover and panel from the regrettable Detective Comics #839. In which absolutely zero detecting is done. I'm just saying...

The Winter of Our Discontent

Wow, Secret Invasion (henceforth known as Skrullapalooza) gets underway in April.

4 months from now. 4 months of waiting for what is essentially a Marvel version of the DC Millennium maxi-series from 20 years ago.

Which means we can look forward to four more months of this riveting type of stuff in New Avengers:

And we can also look forward to four more months of this kind of thing in Mighty Avengers:

Spring has never seemed so far away...

Thing-Ring, Do Your Thing!!

I'm feeling lazy today, so I'll just pass along an...interesting...discussion of what, exactly, the Thing is composed of.

And a reminder: Mystery Science Theater 3000 was (nay, is!!) the best television show ever. And if you enjoyed it, you may want to follow the antics of some of the alum, as the continue to slam bad movies. As The Film Crew, they've got 4 DVDs out from Shout! mocking wondrously terrible movies (Protip: Wild Women of Wongo is, well, hilarious. And bad. And hilarious). At at RiffTrax, Mike Nelson and company sell downloadable humorous commentary tracks you can play along with your DVDs.

This ends our unpaid commercial message.

BONUS PANEL:
Aaarrghhhh!!

Why Don't I Like Green Lantern More?

That's a question I find myself asking a lot lately. Pretty much everyone out there loves the Sinestro War story line, so I hopped on board. And for the umpteenth time, my reaction was, "Meh."

Not necessarily to that particular story line, but Green Lantern in general. And not just Hal Jordan (although that whole get out jail free card on mass murder bit still ticks the living hell out of me). I find I can't warm up to Guy Gardner or Jon Stewart or Gnort or Kilowog or Alan Scott or Kyle Rayner or any of them.

And I'm not sure why. I mean, I would think Green Lantern would be right up my wheelhouse. At least when the Silver Age version started up, it was the most science fiction-y of any strip; he was a charter member of the Justice League; he had a great costume and a visually dynamic power; and damn, that oath was cool.

And yet, whenever I try to come on for a few issues, I find myself bored and dropping it. And again, this is no reaction to recent story lines...it's been that way for my 30+ year comic life.

Maybe it's just a chocolate/vanilla thing.

I'll ponder this, and maybe run some theories by you guys later this week.

Things That Make Me Smile--Superman #330

This is my favorite Superman comic of all time.

OK, OK, it isn't. And it's not even a particularly good comic, at that. Horrendous cover, lame villain, the odd '70s DC pseudo-science, and talky, talky talky.

But the thing is, this issue represented a small step forward for DC, albeit a baby one. You see, people speak about the "Silver Age" and "Bronze Age" as if they were monolithic eras that applied to all comics, or even all comic companies, uniformly.

But Marvel was Bronze-aging it long before DC was; DC had to be dragged kicking and screaming into the 1970s (with some obvious exceptions, such as Green Lantern/Green Arrow). For most of their books, the DC editorial staff's sole concession to being more "modern" was merely to be less completely batshit insane than the '60s, without actually improving the subject matter, and thus, becoming more boring.

But this Superman story showed a glimmer of self-awareness, some ability to look at itself in a meta and self-referential way, that DC hadn't often shown before. Hence, I LOVE this story (even if it is boring as all hell).

What's the first thing that every hack comedian, movie critic, or wise-ass says about Superman? "How come nobody recognizes him as Clark Kent? It's just a pair of glasses!!" Yes, it is a valid point (although no more valid than wondering how a domino mask would hide Robin or Green Lantern's identity). But DC never chose to acknowledge the objection. Until this issue!!

In this script by Marty Pasko ("based on a story concept by Al Schroeder III"!!), we start with Clark asking himself the same damned question!! Wait a minute? A DC hero in 1978 questioning his status quo?? After 40 years?? In a Julie Schwartz book?!?! Wha...?!?

Clark ponders this conundrum as Metropolis is menaced by the Spellbinder, a re-tread one-shot Batman villain from a decade earlier. He's hypnotizing Metropolis citizens into committing crimes for him. So Kal-El takes to the airwaves with gaint-flying TV sets, and uses his powers of super-hypnosis to make them able to resist the villain.



Later, while he's changing back to Clark Kent, he's caught dressing:

Strangely enough, though, it doesn't go as you'd expect:



WTF? Well, in 19,567 expository panels, we learn that people actually physically see Clark Kent differently than the Man of Steel. He gets the Planet court artist to whip up some sketches:

Which inevitably leads to the conclusion:

But that couldn't work, except:

As you may recall, Clark had to make his glasses from the window of the Kryptonian rocket that took him to Earth, because simple Earth glasses always melted when he used his heat vision. So, ipso facto:

And so when Superman super-hypnotized everyone to resist hypnosis, he inadvertently ended (albeit temporarily) the effect that made his Clark Kent disguise work!! Brilliant!!

Now, I shouldn't oversell this story: it's not as if Jimmy Olsen started using heroine or Lois Lane died. But back in the halcyon days of 1978, it was quite the revelation to see DC actually analyze any of their set-ups "realistically," or to seriously answer fan questions rather than dismissing them in a glib letter column response. I mean, the Al Schroeder III who submitted the story concept must have been a fan submitting a story or suggesting one in a letter, right? Actually, yes--here's his homepage, where he's doing online comics these days, and describing himself as a "letterhack" who "met his wife on Julius Schwatrz' Superman letter column!" Damn, I love the internet!

Anyhoo, I don't know that this story was ever mentioned again, or if they picked up the concept post-Crisis. But next time you hear some idiot roll out the hackneyed "How can glasses disguise Superman?" line, just smack 'em down with, "They answered that 30 years ago, schmuck--get some new material!!"

Kontinuity Kop--Countdown (Again!)

Sigh....

Sorry to bitch about Countdown again, but dammit, someone has to, especially when they're screwing up the Legion of Super-Heroes (again).

Now, if Geoff Johns and Mike Carlin want to insist that the Legionnaires we saw in the (terrible) Lightning Saga in the JLA/JSA crossover were really, truly "the original Legion," they can. But that don't make it so. And wouldn't you think that if they were so enamored of the "original Legion" (and who isn't?), they might actually get a fact or two right?

Yeah, you'd think so. But so far, between Countdown and the Lightning Saga, we have:

• Karate Kid calling Luornu "Triplicate Girl." Karate Kid didn't join the Legion until AFTER Computo killed one of her "selves," and thus would never have known her as Triplicate Girl...he would have called her "Duo Damsel."


• Karate Kid and Sensor Girl being in the Legion at the same time. Of course, Sensor Girl was an alias assumed by Princess Projectra, AFTER Karate Kid was killed in the future.

But now we get to the borderline offensive part. From Countdown #20:


Look, my above quibbles can be dismissed as nitpicks. Fine. But in the "original Legion," Luornu is MARRIED to Bouncing Boy!! As in, Superboy #200. As in, well, you know, MARRIED.
This is Mike Carlin defending this in a Newsarama interview:

NRAMA: Okay - the whole Una/Karate Kid little romantic thing...that was...misplaced. What purpose did that serve in your editorial eyes?

MC: Misplaced? Seemed to us it fit their particular situation— explaining why Una would volunteer to stay behind with Karate Kid in the first place... And giving two characters a conflict while apart from their girl and “sisters” back home in the future!

Sigh...not even an acknowledgement that "Una" is on the verge of committing adultery with the husband of another Legionnaire. No mention of Chuck Taine. Or that before Buncing Boy, she was crushing on someone else (shhh...Superboy!). And not even an indication that anyone involved in this tripe has ever actually, you know, read any of the original Legion, or gone back to look stuff up while writing this. Nope, we just wanted to create a dramatic "conflict." Well, if so, why the freakin' insistence that this is the one true original Legion?!? "We loved the original Legion, we want them back, but we don't want them to have the same history or relationships?!"

If there's one thing worse than "continuity porn," it's continuity porn that can't even get the continuity straight. Becuase that just leaves porn. Pathetic and insulting.

BONUS: Kontinuity Kop speculation: Previously, I was sure that "Una" was really all 3 "selves" of Triplicate Girl...being only one was just a subterfuge, and at an appropriate point in Countdown we'd have the "surprise" reveal that she really was Triplicate Girl. While else go through the silly mechanics of having only one self helping Karate Kid?

But the bigamist mooning over Karate Kid so disgusted me, I can no longer believe that it's really ANY aspect of Luornu. New theory: She's really Sensor Girl/Projectra in disguise, again for a suprise reveal...

Friday Night Fights--Legion of Super-Pets Style!!

Well, it's the last Friday Night Fights of 2-double-aught-7. How shall we mark the occasion?

I know. With the Super-Pets!!! A little beast-on-man carnage should get us through the holidays!!

Where to start? Well, the Legion of Super-Pets has been lured into leaving the Legion of Super-Heroes behind on Earth, and setting up shop on Thanl, a planet much more appreciative of our animal heroes.

SPOILER ALERT: It's a trick.

Anyway, the non-animal Legion travels to Thanl to convince the Super-Pets to come home. But, Chameleon Boy loses his temper a bit, and:

Well, you DO NOT want to tick off the Super-Pets. Because now, brother, IT IS ON!!





Roll call, anyone?

COMET!!

STREAKY!!

KRYPTO!!

BEPPO!! (This is maybe my favorite comic panel EVER!!!)

PROTY!! (Prepare to have your mind blown!!)



I know, I know...that's the craziest fight ever....

Wait a minute...before we wrap this up....something about that cover seems familiar. Let's take a closer look...

Hey, wait a minute!!

Coppertone, Cosmic Boy...oh my. Only Bahlactus Lad can sort out this mess!!!

The 17th greatest comic fight of all time takes place in Adventure Comics #364, 1968.