I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends

Hmmmphh...long, stressful weekend. I think I'll just hang out with my friends.

Oh, wait...I don't have any friends? Than I'll just have to make one:


Frankenstein will be by new friend...at least until he grows substantially taller than 2 feet, and goes on a killing spree...

No, I have no idea why or how this weekend has become unofficial Frankenstein weekend here at Slay Monstrobot. Blame the quarter bin, blame the quarter bin...

Three Words To Live By

Folks of my generation remember the greatest PSA of all time:



Well, as effective as a weeping Native American was...

...just think how much more effective the ad would it have been had it featured...

WEEPING NAZI FRANKENSTEIN!!

That would have stopped littering quick...

You know, if I had to explain why I love comic books in only 3 words, "weeping Nazi Frankenstein" just might do it...

Weeping Nazi Frankenstein is from Invaders #31 (1978).

Friday Night Fights--Edgar Winter Style!!

For this week's Friday Night Fights, we bring you a tale of terror that can only be titled:

Yes, that's right...a Nazi Frankenstein. I'm going there.

Cap and Bucky are in the Swiss alps, investigating the mysterious dealings of Doctor Basil Frankenstein. They're tearing through some Ratzis like usual:

When...



Yup. It turns out that Basil is a descendant of that Frankenstein...and as a loyal Nazi, he's making monsters for the Third Reich. Monsters who can kick ass:


Oh, he may not want to fight, Cap...but he's still whooping on you pretty good.


And the capper?

Nazi Frankenstein who can only say "Sieg heil" might be my newest favorite thing ever. Except, of course, for Spacebooger, who always A #1.

Now get off your butts and go vote for somebody (preferably me, but hey, it's a free country) in this week's FNF, OK?

Don Glut (!), Chic Stone(!!) and Bill Black bring us the greatest fill-in story ever in Invaders #31 (1978).

Speaking of Frankenstein, I've long thought that this should be our new national anthem:



It'd be a lot cooler rocking out to this before ball games...

Counting Chickens Before The Eggs Are Even Laid, Let Alone Hatched

From Dynamite's May solicitations:

Kevin Smith's Green Hornet #3

Kevin Smith's Green Hornet #1 Foil Cover

The Green Hornet Strikes #1

Kato Origins #1: Way Of The Ninja

Kevin Smith's Kato #2

The Green Hornet: Year One #2

Those each have at least two covers, some have 5...

I'm just saying, the Dynamite guys are asking retailers to commit to an awful lot of shelf space for something that hasn't even had a first issue yet. What if The Green Hornet bombs? What if readers don't dig on it? Is Dynamite that sure GH (and Kato, of course) is going to be such a success?

Seriously, we're barely three months in and we have not only two spin-off series but also TWO series for the sidekick? Since when did Green Hornet become equal to Batman in popularity???

Then again, it's nice to see someone willing to slug it out with Wolverine for the title of Greatest Number Of Pointless Ancillary Magazines Per Month...

And yes, for the record, I'll give it a fair shot (especially Matt Wagner's Year One...but really, Matt...for this you're not giving us Mage Book 3?!?).

Real Mature, snell

It's not just me, right? Admit it--you see this cover:

And you think:

Damn, I'm a laugh riot.

Anyway, Golden Age doofus Captain Triumph has to face the terror of Mr. Pointer, a villain who can kill--just by pointing at you!!


Not just, people, either...



He killed a dog?!? Oh, man, now it's on!!

And how, exactly, does Mr. Pointer pull off these seemingly impossible murders?



That's right...a special glove that shoots out needle-sharp icicles made out of FROZEN POISON.

Dang, that's actually pretty cool.

Mr. Poison appeared in Crack Comics #61 (1949)

Hoarding

Something just occurred to me.

Marvel purchased Malibu Comics (reportedly just to get their hands on Malibu's coloring studio...go figure). There were some stumbling attempts to integrate Malibu's books with Marvel's line, but that just sort of faded away. It's been well over a decade since any of the Malibu characters have seen the light of day.

Meanwhile, Disney purchased Crossgen for a piddling $1 million dollars (reportedly just to get the rights to Abadazad). Aside from some reprint collections, it's been 5 or 6 years since Crossgen characters appeared anywhere.

So, now that Disney has acquired Marvel, the Disney/Marvel behemoth controls all the Malibu and Grossgen works...and is doing nothing with them.

Obviously, this is a vast oversimplification, as there is undoubtedly a labyrinth of corporate law, creators' rights, and Odin-only-knows how much gobbledy-gook that, at the very least, is a hindrance to seeing an Ultraforce ride at Disneyworld or a Way Of The Rat/Spider-Man issue of Marvel Team-Up. And, of course, a number of Malibu & Crossgen's book probably aren't worthy of revival.

But as Marvel puts out its 19th Wolverine and 15th Deadpool book each month, just remember--they could be giving you something different. Instead, they're hoarding all these characters and universes, just to keep giving you the same old same old.

Use 'em or lose 'em, Disney/Marvel. Use 'em or lose 'em.

Manic Monday--A Reason To Sell Salve

We're all used to those wonderful comic book ads from days of yore, when companies routinely circumvented child labor laws by getting children to go door to door hawking their products for them, in exchange for some cool-looking-but-doubtlessly-chintzy "prizes."

None, however, gave us as important a justification for giving up summer days to sell salve as Cloverine did:

In close up:





I'm not sure what's more noteworthy here:

*The surprise symbols over the gorilla's head
*The beads of worry sweat from the gorilla (because he obviously is deeply afraid of these rugrats)
*The fact that Judy and Jim went to the zoo armed (or were they just on patrol nearby? Maybe this is Star City or something)
*The fact that the adults are grateful that these kids came to the zoo armed, and congratulating them
*That the zookeepers apparently have no means whatsoever of pacifying escaped animals, relying on the kindness of wandering armed children to bail them out from many lawsuits
*Why does Judy get the bow and Jim get the gun?
*What if evil children sold the salve, and got weaponry? Not every kid would be as civic-minded as Judy and Jim...

Still, despite the many questions, there's no arguing the premise: sell Cloverine White Salve, because someday you might have to take down a raging jungle beast in the heart of your town.

And, yes, you can still get Cloverine White Salve today, but thanks to the wonders of the internet, you don't have to wait for some kids to come around and pound on your door.

This ad appeared in Scotland Yard #3 (1955)

Allez Cuisine!!

From the back-up story in Avengers Vs. Atlas #2, by Scott Kurtz and Zach Howard:


So...an ancient Chinese dragon, eating dumplings--made from rare sea creatures--that can only be prepared by evil chefs.

Damn, Iron Chef must be a bitch in the Marvel Universe.

Nom, nom, nom...

Delusions Of Grandeur

In Justice League Of America #134 (1976), we find out that Ralph Dibny has a rather inflated opinion of his fighting prowess:

Now, granted, this is pre-Flames-of-Py'tar Despero, who was more of a mind-power and manipulator baddy...but he's still Despero, who at this point had taken on the entire Justice League--solo--a number of times.

In fact, in this very issue, Elongated Man has seen Despero take punches from Wonder Woman and Supergirl without going down. And yet...

I'm trying not to laugh at the dead guy here. But come on, Ralph...did you really expect your "best punch" to succeed when Diana's and Kara's weren't sufficient? That's cute, but you're not in the JLA for your punching power.

[Aside: if he's still dead. Like most of the revived JLAers in Blackest Night, Geoff Johns has completely forgotten about him, which is pretty amazing because while the turgidly paced 8-issue series has only enough story for 4 issues, Johns has tossed away the only interesting part of the whole premise in order to pad things out with stupid ring games. Oh, well...]

By the way, am I the only one out there who seriously prefers chess-playing, brain-manipulating Despero...

...to the "Hulk Smash" steroid-abusing Despero, who can stand up to simultaneous punches from Superman and Captain Marvel?

Maybe it's just me, but I liked him more as a unique, wonky, could-only-have-come-out-of-DC's-Silver-Age villain...

...than as the dime-a-dozen retrofitted-because-super-strong-characters-are-easier-to-write-than-mind-characters 1980s onward version:

Ahh, it probably is just me...

Friday Night Fights--ALIEN-ATOR Style!!

OK, this one's gonna need a little bit of explanation...

Half of the Justice League (Hawkman, Superman, Flash, Batman and Green Lantern) are kidnapped to the future--the year 25,673!!! There they must rescue the human race from--THE ALIEN-ATOR!!

Who dat? The Alien-ator is "a being from a timeless world." His (its?) modus operandi? He transforms inhabitants of an era into "aliens," so he will be able to "exercise control" over them and "dominate" their world. [For the record, we never meet, or even catch a glimpse of, the Alien-ator. Who, or what, he is remains a mystery to this day...hint, hint, DC]

Well, the good guys win by battling their captors and releasing "chrono-kinetic" energy, which makes everybody human again. Hurray!! But upon returning to 1965:

Uh-oh...the Alien-ator did an end around, and has converted the rest of the JLA into aliens (the dude you can't place, because he has no costume, in Snapper Carr)!

And Hal Jordan proceeds to jinx things by being an arrogant ass:

Oh, Hal, you idiot...the Alien JLA start to mop the floor with the "human" JLA (only 2 of whom are human, but shhh...)(and J'onn already was an alien, so...stop, mustn't think, this is 60s DC):



Click on this to embiggen the Silver Age butt-whoopin':

Oh, you want specifics? Alien Aquaman has his fishy friends hunt up some sunken kryptonite, and:


Hal Jordan likes to bag about the three-ways he's been in, but I don't think he'll be telling anybody about this one:

Batman gets it from both ends:

Flash has his vibrating abilities turned against him:

So Hawkman is the last man standing flying. He tries a cute tactic, but it's sandwich time for him, too:


The "human" JLA was completely crushed by the Alien JLA. And note, the Alien JLA used teamwork to win, which is something the Silver Age JLA never ever learned to do. Gee, maybe the aliens are superior...All hail the Alien-ator!! All hail...

Damn it...in the very next panel all the chrono-kinetic energy heals the alien JLA, and everything is back to status quo. Somehow, I suspect Spacebooger is responsible...

Gardner Fox, Mike Sekowsky and Bernard Sachs prove just how lame the Silver Age JLA was in Justice League Of America #33 (1965). All hail the Alien-ator!!

And all you readers...please go to the Friday Night Fights site, and vote for the winner. I won't even be upset if you don't vote for me. Remember: if you don't vote, the Alien-ator wins!!