Tales From The Quarter Bin--Tarzan Vs Sharks, Second Attempt

You may recall last month how profoundly angry I was at this cover...

 ...as the interior story didn't even have a single shark in it, let alone Tarzan fighting one to rescue a damsel fair.

Well, Lord Greystoke has a shot at redemption now:

They can't bait and switch me like that again, can they?!? We'll see...

Tarzan and a motley group have been marooned on an uncharted island, and discover a lost tribe of Mayans there!!

Now, Joe Kubert isn't making this stuff up--he's just adapting Edgar Rice Burroughs' Tarzan And The Castaways, which sadly does not involve a crossover with Gilligan. Because man, that would have been great!

Anyway, Tarzan rescues a Mayan woman, Itzl Cha, from being ritually sacrificed, even though she was kind of down with that. Later, as her tries to rescue their group's inevitable blonde beauty from being next on the chopping block, he ends up captured. And because he refuses to love Itzl Cha and run away with her, she turns on him, and demands Tarzan be punished for preventing her own sacrifice.

Hmm...still not a lot of sharks, here...but on to the ceremony:

Whoa...an extinct volcano full of sharks?!? Now we're talking!!! (And take that, Blofeld--the lost Mayans have just upped the game on volcano hideouts!!

So we are finally going to get Tarzan versus sharks, right?

Yes, it's going to happen!!

Uh-oh, what's this...?

OK, now he can avenge her, right? Now it's full-on Tarzan versus sharks, right?!? Right?!?

D'oh!!!

Tarzan #243 (1975)...you are dead to me!!!!

All a boy wants is Tarzan versus sharks...(sob)...is that too much to ask? (sob)

Follow Me As I Waste My Life

Hang on, guys--we're going down the rabbit hole here...

If you've been here long enough, you know how obsessed I am with comic book geography, and comic book movie geography. I'm the idiot who will spend hours on Google Earth trying to find the Batcave with data from one half-glimpsed frame in The Dark Knight Rises. Hours!(Spoiler alert--it's under Universal Studios!!)

So when Tony Stark gives us his freakin' address, you know I'm going to completely waste a day or three tracking this down.

Start with this clip from Iron Man Three:


Dude...you gave you street address to a major terrorist. That is so bad-ass!!

Or is it?

Because it turns out that there is no "10880 Malibu Point" (or "Pointe" or "Pt") in ZIP Code 90265. Google Maps gives us the disappointment:

There's a number of 10880s--Malibu Colony Rd, Malibu Pier, Malibu Crest Drive, Malibu Canyon Road. There are a number of other eponymous roads in Malibu--Malibu Road, Malibu Country Drive, Malibu Cove Colony Drive--not a lot of imagination from the city planners, it looks like--all of which are in different ZIP codes or have street numbers far above or below 10880.

So we're stymied, right?

Hahahahaha, you know not the depths of my obsession. Let's turn to the bonus materials that came with the awesome Marvel Movies Briefcase...namely, Tony Stark's bio sheet:

(Now, before you ask, 200 Park Avenue is a real address, and that is the correct ZIP Code. No, Avengers Towers is not really there. Yes, of course I spent hours researching this. Sigh...)

Anyhow, we should look at his California address from the S.H.I.E.L.D. data:

Yes, there is a Cliffside Drive in Malibu. No, there is no 39 Cliffside Drive...the street numbers are all in the 20,000s.

And that ZIP Code? Obviously not California. So where is it from?

People, there is NO 56677 ZIP Code. It does not exist. (56676 and 56678 are in Minnesota, of all places...but 56677 doesn't exist!!)

And now it all begins to make sense! Obviously, S.H.I.E.L.D. has been providing Stark with fictitious addresses, fake locations, to help deter attacks from terrorist warlords and evil think tanks and the Soulfather and whomever!

So when people have complained that Tony Stark was crazy to give out his address like that, well, crazy like a fox!! It was all a trap, trying to draw the Mandarin to a fictitious address!! And that just shows how clever his organization was...because they found Stark anyway, at his real address!!

Damn, I am a loser...

Manic Monday Final Countdown--The Ironic Twist!!

All right, let's recap!

Billy Foster is such a weakling, he makes Don Knotts look pumped up!

But he's tuned to "itinerant lecturer" and nutball Harold Hill Dr. Osgood, who convinces Billy to use his "faith in your own abilities" method to make himself stronger (and play trombone, presumably)!!

But at the same time, Jupiter, the plantation owners of the solar system, have run out of labor to operate their "huge machines," and their civilization faces collapse. And Earthlings are too weak to do the job! Fortunately, their top scientist has invented a ray that can increase a human's strength 10 times, so they'll be suitably slaves!! And the go to Earth to surreptitiously test it!

Let's watch as the plotlines converge:

And how does Billy use his new found power?

Yow!!

Must be a pretty slow news day.

Hey, but at least the incredibly shallow young woman is finally attracted to him!! Yeah, that'll work out well!

And apparently, it was a slow news week...

What--he's a huckster?!? Who'd have thought?!?

Well, Billy uses his strength to thwart the Jupiter dudes, so all's well that ends well, right? That wraps up our story, and--

What? I promised you a surprise twist? OK, here you go:

WHAT?!?!?!

 Well, that certainly fits our comic book definition of irony!!

Wow, from cold fish to fiancee in about 10 minutes!! Maybe we should all try the faith method to make ourselves stronger/handsomer/smarter/whatever...

Thus endeth the tale...

From Forbidden Worlds #69 (1958)

Manic Monday Triple Overtime--Meet The New Boss

Jupiter is the 1% of our solar system!

But they have a big problem...they're running out of proletariat to exploit:

Or, they could invent better machines...or, they could do the work themselves. That, though, was apparently not an option:

Yay, we've committed genocide against 2 planets! Let's go for a third!! But how??

Well, you could use that ray on yourselves, and do your own work...

Nah, what was I thinking?

Well, I think you can see how this is going to tie into our tale of weakling Billy Foster. But can you forsee our amazing twist ending??

To be concluded...

From Forbidden Worlds #69 (1958)

Manic Monday Double Secret Probation--Itinerant Lecturer?!?

When last we left Billy Foster, he was bemoaning the fact that he was a 98-pound weakling who couldn't get a job or attract a woman.

Well, instead of exercising, or taking steroids, or hanging around smaller people so you fell bigger in comparison, Billy just mopes on the street corner. Until...

"Itinerant lecturer"?!?!? Yet another job my high school guidance counselor never bothered to tell me about!! Perhaps it's not too late--I'll just get a tent and a soap box, and travel from town to town, lecturing to any who will listen... [editor's note--in the 21st century, we call it blogging, or going on news talk shows. Get back to your story...]

OK, well Dr. Osgood (Dr. Oz?!?) has a tale to tell:

Well, yes, "natural strength could never have accomplished those great feats"--because they're mythical--they never happened!! And if they did happen, well, it wasn't natural strength, it was borrowing powers from the gods.

So your analogy sucks rocks, Dr. Osgood...not to mention you're starting the self-help industry a couple of decades early.

But Billy seems eager to try this "faith in your own ability." Will it work? Stay tuned...

From Forbidden Worlds #69 (1958)

Manic Monday Bonus--Billy=Charles Atlas?!?

You know all those damned Charles Atlas ads that used to fill our comic books?

Well, it turns out that the scenario was pretty real--at least according to the lead story in Forbidden Worlds #69 (1958).

Billy, you see, is a pretty weak guy, and...

See? In the rugged 1950s, if you weren't a manly man, you couldn't hold a job, and the dames weren't interested.

(For the record, Charles Atlas ads came first--they started appearing in funnybooks in the early 1940s...)

So how does Billy solve his problem? Well, this is a science fiction comic book, so I'd expect a science-ficitional solution--and no, it's not Flex Mentallo. Stay tuned...

Manic Monday--Jupiter Is For Lovers?!?

We all now about the famous "red spot" of Jupiter. But until now, I never knew...

...that it was heart-shaped?!?

What else has NASA been covering up?!?

From Forbidden Worlds #69 (1958)

The Inevitable Result Of The X-Games And Insane Amounts Of Energy Drinks

The future (or past?!?) fate of Shaun White:

Great Caesar's Ghost, why hasn't someone made a movie of this 1958 cover?

New Contest: Two Words, Ten Letters, 2015

On Formspring, Tom Brevoort spilled a bean or two about Marvel's future plans:

If all goes as planned, our big storyline for 2015 will have a title that’s two words long, ten letters in total.

Well, then, game on. Two words. Ten letters. Go!

I, Marvelman

It might take that long to actually clear up the rights tangle.

But it's a great name for a series, right?

Of course, the question then becomes, how exactly does Marvelman fit into the Marvel Universe? Does Doctor Gargunza know Dr. Doom? Does Mike Moran work at the Daily Bugle? Or would this just turn into another Sentry-level clusterfrak?

Darth Vader

By 2015 Disney will have given the Star Wars comic(s) to Marvel. And why not be ambitious about it? An Exiles team leaps into the Star Wars universe, and inadvertently brings Vader back to 616. Ah, the ensuing havoc. Especially when it turns out that The Force is...

Hey, it makes more sense than having Norman Osborn run things during Dark Reign...

Malibu Wars

Marvel will finally resolve whatever the pesky contractual problems are, and revive the Malibu Universe, and integrate it into Marvel-616. Black September II, dawg!!

ROM Revived

Speaking of intractable rights problems...

Well, it's late, that's all I've got. Your turn now.

Big storyline. Two words. Ten letters. GO!!!

Friday Night Fights--Ten Rings To Rule Them All Style!!

Hey!! Iron Man and the Mandarin are in a movie right now!!

So I guess that makes this an apropos time to break this out for Friday Night Fights:

Awww, yeah!!

No preamble, no explanation--just fight, dawgz!!

And...he's out!!

Spacebooger is pretty sure Robert Downey Jr. smacked Ben Kingsley around like this backstage during the filming of Iron Man Three...

Ten rings don't rule them all in Iron Man #100 (1977), by Bill Mantlo, George Tuska, & Mike Esposito.

Now is the time for you to vote for my fight. Why? Because you don't want to know where the Mandarin kept his 11th ring....So vote!!