Manic Monday Bonus--Take That, Supernovae

Bob Haney rating celestial phenomena:

Really? The solar eclipse is "the universe's most awesome occurrence"??

Screw you, black holes, pulsars, wormholes, nebulae, stellar and planetary formation, giant hands from the future causing the birth of the multiverse, and Superboy moving dozens of planets to the other side of the universe! You're all punked by a simple syzygy!!

Note: I'm willing to bet I'm the only comic blogger in the world who is using the word "syzygy" today. That should at least get me a cookie, or something.

From Brave And The Bold #64 (1966). Yes, I know the "Superboy pulls dozens of planets" story came after this one. Manic Monday is no place for nit-picking (unless I'm the one doing it).

Manic Monday--But How Do They Get The Helicopters Out?

I know you've all wondered what was inside of those mysterious skyscraper headquarters of those nefarious 1960s criminal organizations. Well, thanks to Brave And The Bold #64 (1966), we got the answer for you (click to embiggen):

If you'll note, the building is "on stilts"--there is no first floor. So how, exactly, do they get those howitzers and helicopters and vehicles out of the upper floors without being seen?

I am glad they have an entire floor dedicated to "Crime Class." Because a criminal mind is a terrible thing to waste...

The Adventures Of Batman And Marcia

People are all aflutter about nuBatman and nuCatwoman having steamy, kinky nuSex in the nu52.

Well, it's not the first time Batman has had a girlfriend. No, not Bruce Wayne--Batman!

You see, once upon a time, Gotham City obviously didn't have enough of a nightlife to entertain bored playgirls:

Just as obviously, there's not a lot of crime in Gotham tonight, because this is a job for Batman!!


And there's only one cure for her:


And severe public humiliation is very effective, because the very next night:


Ah, to hell with Robin--this was the birth of a beautiful partnership, as the Caped Crusader and his pistol packin' mama take on Gotham's criminal element:

And of course, two such gorgeous and rich people can't work closely together without...falling in love!

Unfortunately:

Because GCPD has nothing better to do than deliver Dear John letters...

And now, the saddest Batman panel of all time:

Awww...flash forward, a few years later, when a mysterious lady is about to be killed by a mob hitman using bow and arrow:


Yes, Batman can lasso an arrow in mid-flight. (Don't tell Ollie!)

Of, the woman is revealed to be...


Oh, what a joyful reunion.

Except...she's really a super-villain (complete with henchmen!) who's teaming up with Eclipso to frame Batman for...oh, just look:

But she's really just doing it to protect her dad from the international criminal organization CYCLOPS, and...

HANEY!!!

This was, sadly, Marcia Monroe's only appearance, as Queen Bee (no, not that Queen Bee) or as herself. Hey, Grant Morrison, since "every story counts" in your grand Batman theorem, I expect to see her turn up in Batman Leviathan.

From Brave And The Bold #64 (1966), as reprinted in Super-Team Family #5 (1976)

Self-Awareness Saturday--Journey Into Mystery #630

I unreservedly acknowledge that this is probably just me and my warped perceptions...but it sure seems that, in this scene in this week's Journey Into Mystery #630...

...that maybe, just maybe, Kieron Gillen might be making a wee bit of a veiled comment on the lameness of the Big Bad in Fear Itself, and the way he was pretty much unnamed, unexplained, and uncharacterized throughout the series.

I'm just sayin'.

At Long Last

All right, hard drive reformatted?

Check.

Scanner re-installed?

Check.

The insanity of comic books?

CHECK.

So I guess we're back in action!

Technology Will Destroy Us All!!

Right now my computer is alternating between being evil and being stupid...

...so, as I reformat my hard drive and begin the arduous process or uploading my back-up and re-installing all my programs, I beg forgiveness from my loyal readers.

More fulfilling posting should resume this weekend.

When You Least Expect It

Sorry, gang--catastrophic computer failure. Posts should return to normal in a couple of days.

How Tony Stark Met Your Mother

Decades before Barney Stinson created The Playbook, Tony Stark was the master of schemes to get more than his fair share of women.

For example, many readers in the 1960s wondered:

Oh, you naive younglings. The answer is so obvious:

Ahhh, "The I'm Dying So I Can't Commit (For Your Own Protection)." A classic. What woman could resist? Hell, that's even better than "The Ted Mosby".

From Tales Of Suspense #55 (1964).

One More Day, DC Silver Age Style!!

It turns out that Peter Parker isn't the only comic character who turns to deals with Satan for marital purposes.

Lois Lane has gone to see her former college boyfriend perform as Mephistopheles in touring production of Faust. Which leads to the following bit of idle chit-chat:

Well, we all know that idle chit-chat is the devil's best friend, as later that night:






Uh-oh.

Well, after continuing to prove his bona fides by making Superman propose and unpropose and propose yet again, "Satan" reveals to the audience that he is really...

Yes, Kal-El, every random conversational metaphor, even if obviously not meant to be taken literally must be punished firmly!! What a tough life Lois must lead, with her every utterance subject to the Kryptonian thought police:

Lois: I could kill for a burger right now.

Superman: What a rash thing to say! Lois must be taught a lesson!!

But what about those purprted souls of Scarface Malone and his gang?

Yes, because the Kandorian Emergency Squad exists at your beck and call to help you pull pranks on Lois.

Continuing the stunt, Superman/Satan offers Lois a way out:


Uh-oh...hoist on your own petard, Man Of Steel!!

It turns out that by this time, Lois has sussed out that it's really Superman ("Satan's" handwriting on that contract, you see, was identical to Superman's. And of course Lois had memorized what Superman's handwriting looks like). So she's sticking it to the guy:

Man, even the Kandorians are mocking you, bro.

Fortunately, Silver Age authors realized that married heroes were anathema, with no good stories to tell (except for imaginary ones). So Lois lets him off the hook:




Oh, man, Leo Dorfman used Satan to set up a super-marriage, and then tear it apart, all in the same 10-page story! Eat that, Quesada!!

From Lois Lane #41 (1963), as reprinted in Lois Lane #86 (1968).

Manic Monday--The Ultimate Evolution Of eHarmony

In an Imaginary Story, Lana Lang has been stranded in the future, where she encounters Superman's descendant, Superman VI (The Undiscovered Country?). And let me tell you, Supes VI (The Return Of The Jedi?) moves quickly:


What? The old "Love Detector" pick-up line? What's next, Supes VI (Jason Lives?), pulling out your Female Body Inspector card??

Except, in the future, that Love Detector scam really works!

So, in the future, every single female is automatically assessed as a potential mate, before you've even talked to her? You've come a long way, baby!

Actually, I think there's already an app that can do that on the new iPhone...("Siri, find me a mate, and then make me glow blue.")

Ah, isn't instantly falling for the identical great great great grandson of the man you've been stalking for years always the basis for a healthy relationship? Especially when you've got "science" to back you up!!

From Lois Lane #36 (1962), as reprinted in Lois Lane #86 (1968).

Manic Monday--What's In A Name?

In an Imaginary Story, Lana Lang has been stranded in the future, where she encounters Superman VI (The Undiscovered Country?), as he relates his family tree:

Wait a second...let's zoom in here:

Mrs. Lois Superman?? Mrs. Lois Superman??

OK, this was a 1962 story, so there wasn't much of a chance of her keeping the Lois Lane name.

But couldn't they come up with something better than Mrs. Lois Superman?

Mrs. Lois Kal-El...no, that's not quite right. Mrs. Lois-El? Nope...ummm...did anybody ever call Lara Mrs. Jor-El or something? Hmmm...

OK, help me out, Peanut Gallery: what would you call a super-powered Lois Lane who married Superman in 1962?

From as Lois Lane #36 (1962), as reprinted in Lois Lane #86 (1968)

Bold Fashion Choices--Child Abuse

While the recent X-Men: Schism series revolved around the morality of making soldiers out of young mutants, the series ignored the biggest danger of allowing teens to be X-Men: the costumes!!

Travel back with me to a time when young Kitty Pryde designed her own super-hero outfit (Warning--NSFHE (Not Safe For Human Eyes)):






And leave it to Magneto to make the realization it took Wolverine 30+ years to come to:

Kids should never design their own costumes!!

(Oh, and obviously, Wolverine's right, the X-Men and New Mutants never, never EVER sent teens into combat...except for every issue ever.)

Panel from Uncanny X-Men #149 & #150, art by Dave Cockrum, Josef Rubenstein & Bob Wiacek and Glynis Wein.